****** siblings who do nothing to help
- Thread starter Buckles
- Start date
My sister does absolutely nothing to help my dad is so frustrating but she keepsvtelling me her weekends off are precious.
It seems to happen in so many families.
Some family members are quite selfish, some are in denial and some are protecting themselves from the upset of dementia.
There may be other reasons but it still boils down to the fact there are too many families where one person is expected to shoulder all the responsibility for care.
Welcome @Locket. I hope the support here from other members helps.
So is your time. There is no priority of preciousness just a selfish attitude towards another human being doing her best. Tell your sister to stop making excuses and shoulder some of the responsibility.
Quite right Peter. It does seem like other peoples time is more precious than ours and I’m sure that you know that I’m speaking from the other side of this debate but it still hurts.
Slightly different in our case. My mum and I are the closest ones to my gran, we are over twice a day at least four times a week, used to be seven before we found a carer, do the shopping, clean the house, make her food, take her to appointments etc. I've taken her out to a social group we both go to (when I have time off work), and been told I can't sit next to her because her friend sits there. Spent hours waiting with her for the ambulance when she fell, stayed 22 hours in A+E when she had her stroke before being relieved and so on, and so forth. But she tells everyone that we don't spend any time with her and we're in and out within 5 minutes.
She has other relatives who come by once a fortnight, and take her out for food. They do live further away, and work as well to be fair. But guess who's favourite?
She has other relatives who come by once a fortnight, and take her out for food. They do live further away, and work as well to be fair. But guess who's favourite?
I envy the people who siblings disappear tbh. My half brother is much older and retired. He has his eye on the cash ( there isn’t any £6k a month for nursing home will do that ) and niggles complains and agitates with other family members. Thankfully I have the social and welfare POA and he cant do much. I spent a lot of time at first making myself ill trying to keep every thing calm. Decided to just cut Him out. It is bad enough watching Alzheimer’s eat the person you love alive. That leaves no time for other peoples behaviour. It’s hard but just cut contact altogether. I say to my hubby that when my mum has died I will never have to see him again. That is what Alzheimer’s will do but you have to live on and be well and able to care for your loved one. They can take care of themselves.
Oh this is the thread I need today! My brother has just told me that he doesn’t want to do a video call with my mother (late stage Alzheimer’s, became a widow last week) as he finds it so hard to see how she doesn’t recognise him! Oh crikey, I nearly said, that’s been hard for the past 2 years then and probably why he hasn’t called…(Apparently, speaking to her on the phone is also very depressing…)
In a way, I’m kind of happy that my mother who adores/adored her son, isn’t in a position to understand how he’s turned out.
Bring me a cod anyone. X
In a way, I’m kind of happy that my mother who adores/adored her son, isn’t in a position to understand how he’s turned out.
Bring me a cod anyone. X
I have my daughter with me now staying for a few days. I asked about the difference between her ( she loves her mum and makes the effort) and her brother ( who hardly contacts) and she just said he’s a lazy so and so and it’s too much effort to get emotionally involved. Perhaps it’s as basic as that.
Any way we’re nearly off to see her mum and we’re going again on Sunday. Fortunately there are no issues over money, inheriting anything, apart from bit and pieces round the house. My finances are settled and it’s fair shares for all on my death ( if there’s any left after trying to paying for all the rising bills)
Any way we’re nearly off to see her mum and we’re going again on Sunday. Fortunately there are no issues over money, inheriting anything, apart from bit and pieces round the house. My finances are settled and it’s fair shares for all on my death ( if there’s any left after trying to paying for all the rising bills)
Yes I have 3 brothers , I look after mum as my children are grown up and I am divorced. But just getting them to visit is like getting blood out of a stone. They complain about things I haven’t done if they do come and expect a meal or refreshments as if I am free to wait on them too.
Yes this is all too familiar. Before dad's illness my brother and his partner used to turn up for a curry but after diagnosis this gradually became less. So many things could have been done like giving me some respite, gardening or taking us out for a meal etc. The best thing to do is not to expect anything and make your own arrangements.
MaNaAk
So true - similar with us, they expect you to do everything, want the money, interfere where its not needed and make life harder than it has to be - we no longer have contact with our invisible either - he's comes over to see his mum PWD (40 min flight from Gatwick) once a year, sends birthday cards that I think he has hanging around in a draw - one said happy 21st then made a joke inside it -does he not remember she has Alzheimers and would not get the supposed joke or could he not be bothered to go and get a better card! His kids have already had their money and have never bothered about her since! The invisibles will always put themselves first.
I don’t have siblings so although I don’t have the stress of disagreements or people not helping being an only child can feel a very lonely place. I’m thankful to have a very supportive husband as I feel there’s a deafening silence. once someone is diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.
I know what you mean about that deafening silence.....and, for me it feels like the same with other struggles which do not have a resolve point in sight - when things get harder you can feel more on your own. I also suffer chronic pain, also hard to deal with, unknown, hard for others to understand - and it actually feels all wrapped up in the angst I feel about my critical, invisible sibling and coping with the emotional turmoil connected to my mother's dementia and health. Like you, I am also grateful for a supportive spouse.
My sister lives with dad and mum, who has Alzheimer’s. She is doing everything that she can to block help eg from Age Uk, and other agencies. She is rude, doesn’t pass messages on. It’s a nightmare and really bringing me down.
I really cannot understand why my brother chooses to be so nasty with me. It is like he resents not being involved in Mum's care and knowing what's going on. At the same time he wants to be able to please himself and be answerable to no-one so that he does not have to fit in and co-operate in the care which is required for Mum (like spending some time with her). . None of this is, in his mind, his responsibility. He wants control but he doesn't want to be involved. I find him hurtful but it is easier for me to try to operate without him.
