Settling into a care home.

[Kerry50996]

My Dad was diagnosed with LBD in January this year although it has been obvious that he has dementia at least 4 years prior to this.
He has moved into a care home in Wales so my Mum can visit, although she hasn’t been able to yet as she has broken her right arm in a fall.
I live in N.Devon and for the last 2 years my Dad has been in and out of hospitals but nothing medically wrong has ever been found.
He has now been there for nearly 2 weeks. He has lost all Mobility ( he says) and refuses to walk. He rings us for an hour at a time at least twice a day complaining about everything. The food is awful but he never seems to have enough. He hates the people there, the other residents and the staff. He has deliberately mangled a sensor mat, shouted at a resident. He is selfish, demanding and bullies the staff. I have listened to conversations between Dad and staff when they don’t know I’m listening and they sound SO patient and respectful towards him despite him being demanding and bossy. He has rung the police on a number of occasions and they’re getting fed up of him wasting their time. He has also called for a taxi, who knows where he got the number for one!
I realise that the excessive hunger and paranoia are probably dementia related. He also wets himself and soils himself on purpose and pretends to fall over and then blames staff for leaving him there.
The reason for this post is , I’m just wondering how long it takes for a person to get used to a care home. I really don’t think the staff are negligent. I looked into this care home very carefully, visited first , read reviews on carehomes.co.uk and read the care homes latest (glowing) inspection report, dated July 2023. They are listed in the top 20 care homes in Wales and have won annual awards for the last few years. I’m at my wits end with this and don’t know what to do next!
When he left the hospital he was walking with a zimmer frame and an ambulance ride later he was ‘immobile’
This is a residential care home , specialising in dementia but it isn’t a nursing home and my Dad is taking up all the carers time and needs constant supervision.

 

[canary]

Hello @Kerry50996

It usually takes a good couple of months for someone to settle in a care home, although it can vary. Im guessing this is still early days for your dad.

Im rather concerned about this phone. Its not good that he is spending so long on it as it makes it harder for him to trust the carers and settle. It also doesnt sound like it is doing him (or you, or your mum) any good and its concerning that he is phoning the police and taxis.
I think it would be good to remove the phone - perhaps it could get broken and have to be taken away for repairs

As for the rest of his behaviour - its not uncommon for people with dementia and if they have experience of dementia they will have seen it all before, so dont worry about it.

 

[Kerry50996]

Hello @Kerry50996

It usually takes a good couple of months for someone to settle in a care home, although it can vary. Im guessing this is still early days for your dad.

Im rather concerned about this phone. Its not good that he is spending so long on it as it makes it harder for him to trust the carers and settle. It also doesnt sound like it is doing him (or you, or your mum) any good and its concerning that he is phoning the police and taxis.
I think it would be good to remove the phone - perhaps it could get broken and have to be taken away for repairs

As for the rest of his behaviour - its not uncommon for people with dementia and if they have experience of dementia they will have seen it all before, so dont worry about it.

The manager of the care home isn’t happy about the phone either and wants to remove it and just have planned calls to specific people instead, using the phone in the care home and with them dialling the numbers. My Dad will go ballistic I know if they remove his phone. He sees it as a fundamental right as a human being that he have it. I’m scared it might just make everything worse, although I totally agree with its removal in principle.

 

[Kerry50996]

The manager of the care home isn’t happy about the phone either and wants to remove it and just have planned calls to specific people instead, using the phone in the care home and with them dialling the numbers. My Dad will go ballistic I know if they remove his phone. He sees it as a fundamental right as a human being that he have it. I’m scared it might just make everything worse, although I totally agree with its removal in principle.

 

[canary]

My Dad will go ballistic I know if they remove his phone.

Tell him "love lies". When the phone needs charging up tell him it wont charge, or surreptitiously remove the SIM card and tell him it is going for repair, but in the meantime the staff can phone people up for him.

If you cant get the phone off him Id say its all going to come to a head soon and the care home may decide he cant stay there.

 

[Kerry50996]

I agree. I’ll see if the staff can do that. Trouble is, I’m 4 hours away from where he is and can’t just pop in and do these things myself. My Dad was never an easy man even before he had dementia and has an air of entitlement and prejudice towards others who know less than he does, which of course is everyone now! 😳
My life hasn’t been my own for the past 2 years and as I have POA as well, my husband and I have been doing everything for my Mum and Dad, with them never being grateful and just complaining about everything I try and do. I don’t know how people can live with parents with dementia. My husband and I are so stressed out, anxious and exhausted with it all I dont have the mental capacity to deal with anything else, not even my daughter who has just been left by her husband with a 3 year old. I feel guilty about not being able to help her more but I just don’t have the energy for anything these days. I’m 64 years old and just want some peace.

 

[canary]

Take a step back from your dad and maybe block his number.
Let the care home deal with it.
xx

 

[DollyM1]

Kerry,
This sounds a bit like my father! He has been in a home since last November and still moans about it. He went in for 2 weeks respite but never came out. When he first went in he had the sole use of a landline with the handset in his room. Family and friends have over the months had periods when we would be bombarded with calls overnight (despite an Alzheimer’s clock next to the phone telling him not to use it at set times), then he started dialling 999. The home now disconnect the phone, as when they tried to take it away he became very upset and angry, making him even more of a trial to deal with. On occasions he has been known to reconnect it himself, so now we unplug our own landline overnight so as not to be disturbed.
Last night there were 3 voicemails from him asking me to call but he is unable to find the words to tell me what about.

 

[Kerry50996]

Kerry,
This sounds a bit like my father! He has been in a home since last November and still moans about it. He went in for 2 weeks respite but never came out. When he first went in he had the sole use of a landline with the handset in his room. Family and friends have over the months had periods when we would be bombarded with calls overnight (despite an Alzheimer’s clock next to the phone telling him not to use it at set times), then he started dialling 999. The home now disconnect the phone, as when they tried to take it away he became very upset and angry, making him even more of a trial to deal with. On occasions he has been known to reconnect it himself, so now we unplug our own landline overnight so as not to be disturbed.
Last night there were 3 voicemails from him asking me to call but he is unable to find the words to tell me what about.

Kerry,
This sounds a bit like my father! He has been in a home since last November and still moans about it. He went in for 2 weeks respite but never came out. When he first went in he had the sole use of a landline with the handset in his room. Family and friends have over the months had periods when we would be bombarded with calls overnight (despite an Alzheimer’s clock next to the phone telling him not to use it at set times), then he started dialling 999. The home now disconnect the phone, as when they tried to take it away he became very upset and angry, making him even more of a trial to deal with. On occasions he has been known to reconnect it himself, so now we unplug our own landline overnight so as not to be disturbed.
Last night there were 3 voicemails from him asking me to call but he is unable to find the words to tell me what about.

Kerry,
This sounds a bit like my father! He has been in a home since last November and still moans about it. He went in for 2 weeks respite but never came out. When he first went in he had the sole use of a landline with the handset in his room. Family and friends have over the months had periods when we would be bombarded with calls overnight (despite an Alzheimer’s clock next to the phone telling him not to use it at set times), then he started dialling 999. The home now disconnect the phone, as when they tried to take it away he became very upset and angry, making him even more of a trial to deal with. On occasions he has been known to reconnect it himself, so now we unplug our own landline overnight so as not to be disturbed.
Last night there were 3 voicemails from him asking me to call but he is unable to find the words to tell me what about.

 

[Kerry50996]

I have had a long talk to the owner of the care home this evening and she wants to go through the correct channels and involve Dad’s social worker in the decision to remove his phone as it is a deprivation of liberty my Dad says. Although he has dementia he is still quite high functioning in some areas , especially when it comes to what is legal and reasonable. He is saying he will report the care home to the Welsh Inspectorate for care homes for torturing him.
He says the staff go out at night and leave him alone in the lounge for hours on end and are drunk and on drugs when they return and staggering around everywhere.These are people in their 40’s mainly with families so I know this is very unlikely. He is so inventive and detailed with his tales though that he introduces a very small element of doubt in my mind. He says they force him to walk, tip him out of his wheelchair, land on top of him laughing, twist his leg until he screams with pain etc. He will then go on to say things like there is water coming up under the floor, he has 2 bedrooms and wants to be in ‘the other one’ and there is a 5’ hole in the middle of the room. Some things are obviously not true and hallucinations and paranoia are a big feature of his dementia along with delusions and confabulation. He suffers more with this than memory loss. I feel bad enough that he is in a care home in the first place. I want him to be as happy as possible but now he has introduced an element of doubt in my mind, albeit a very tiny one. How can we ever know what really goes on. Sorry to ramble on but I find when I start to let it all out, I can’t seem to stop!
My Dad is 94 and has just been saying he wants to die for at least the last 2 years and threatening suicide...with a rusty knife no less! He is the sort of person who wallows in self pity and has always been very negative and puts a dampener on everything and brings everyone else down with him. I can’t help but agree with him. He would be better off dead as I know he isnt enjoying what little life he has left.