Many of you will know I joined this forum when my mum needed more support.
However issues have been rumbling on a while with MIL, she is 94, living on her own in a bungalow, 200 miles away. She is supported by 3 friends, distant cousin L, friend L and friend P.
I've chosen the title as we are barely involved in supporting MIL, but OH is the only family in the UK that does.
She has no dementia diagnosis, OH has his head in the sand over that one to even consider it, but I'm pretty certain this is the cause of the current issue. Based on knowledge gleaned on here I suspect dementia has been present for a few years, although slow deterioration, gave up driving after reversing once too often into friends cars a few years ago.
She currently has a carer for 2 hours every morning to help her get up, no SS assessment. I spoke to distant cousin L and she said she didn't think she'd let SS across the threshold, which is a shame when being in Scotland some element of the morning support might be free. She agreed to the carer on the basis that she does need support to get up, she does have mobility issues and the carer helps her get up and wash, helps her with breakfast, and provides some company (MIL isn't aware this is the purpose of the visit). She is and will always be self funding and was persuaded that AA would cover the carer costs, which it does in part.
In mid July we got a call from friend L who thought she needed an afternoon evening carer, but was refusing to countenance this, and therefore pay for it. This apparently came about because friend P called round (door either unlocked or key safe used) and MIl was snoozing in her chair and woke up very disorientated, not recognising P. Cousin L says she goes into kitchen and makes a cup of tea and chats and this wakes MIL up slowly and 'brings her round'.
OH has put off visiting to talk her into carers, partly because he talks to her on the phone and she seems ok (I'm assuming she is in host mode) and partly he had an awful childhood, mainly caused by his father and hasn't got much desire to visit (we have normally visited annually with the children for xmas - and never more than twice a year - recent visits have been there and back in a day as OH finds any longer too much).
There has recently been a major health scare with OH's sister who is resident in the US which seems to have sent MIL into a spiral of anxiety. MIL was a GP, and prior to that an A & E registrar, unfortunately, whilst she retired in the early 90s her medical knowledge seems to have retreated to the 60s - according to cousin L - who is a retired consultant (oncology and then palliative care). This means she can't comprehend that the issue is a relatively routine op with very low risk of side effects, as in the 60s if the issue was discovered at all, it would have been likely inoperable. MIL has gone into full panic mode, phoning all her friends, and generally being a bit of a nuisance, flapping she should really be travelling out to the US etc. OH after explaining it in several phone calls to her, has got cross with her, and told her to stop flapping, which she has denied - as she isn't aware really of her reaction. SIL has tried to explain it as well.
Both OH and SIL just think it is their mum being a bit over anxious whereas I see this as part of her continued pattern of decline.
OH is planning to visit at the weekend (subject to buying diesel) and talking to her, to tell her what she needs. I have tried gently to talk to him, but he is just dismissive. Most of the issue is the poor childhood but no understanding of dementia isn't helping. I think eh is going to tell her she needs the afternoon carer, although not sure.
Cousin L, and friend L (a retired district nurse) think she would be best in a care home, but she wouldn't accept it, clearly currently has capacity of a sort and will only move when the inevitable crisis happens. SIL has rose tinted spectacles and has always thought a live in carer will be the answer when the time comes - L and L both agree this wouldn't work.
I doubt if I could get OH to understand dementia any better that the outcome would be any different, he just might be a bit more gentle with her when he visits. The way she is getting so wound up about SIL might yet trigger a crisis - her op isn't until 27 October.
OH's childhood was miserable mainly due to a domineering father, who also dominated his mother, but he struggles with the complete lack of acknowledgement of this by his mother. She has shown very little warmth to him since his father died and we have always visited out of duty.
I don't think there are any answers or anything I can do to help either OH or anyone else in this at the moment but just need to write it down.
However issues have been rumbling on a while with MIL, she is 94, living on her own in a bungalow, 200 miles away. She is supported by 3 friends, distant cousin L, friend L and friend P.
I've chosen the title as we are barely involved in supporting MIL, but OH is the only family in the UK that does.
She has no dementia diagnosis, OH has his head in the sand over that one to even consider it, but I'm pretty certain this is the cause of the current issue. Based on knowledge gleaned on here I suspect dementia has been present for a few years, although slow deterioration, gave up driving after reversing once too often into friends cars a few years ago.
She currently has a carer for 2 hours every morning to help her get up, no SS assessment. I spoke to distant cousin L and she said she didn't think she'd let SS across the threshold, which is a shame when being in Scotland some element of the morning support might be free. She agreed to the carer on the basis that she does need support to get up, she does have mobility issues and the carer helps her get up and wash, helps her with breakfast, and provides some company (MIL isn't aware this is the purpose of the visit). She is and will always be self funding and was persuaded that AA would cover the carer costs, which it does in part.
In mid July we got a call from friend L who thought she needed an afternoon evening carer, but was refusing to countenance this, and therefore pay for it. This apparently came about because friend P called round (door either unlocked or key safe used) and MIl was snoozing in her chair and woke up very disorientated, not recognising P. Cousin L says she goes into kitchen and makes a cup of tea and chats and this wakes MIL up slowly and 'brings her round'.
OH has put off visiting to talk her into carers, partly because he talks to her on the phone and she seems ok (I'm assuming she is in host mode) and partly he had an awful childhood, mainly caused by his father and hasn't got much desire to visit (we have normally visited annually with the children for xmas - and never more than twice a year - recent visits have been there and back in a day as OH finds any longer too much).
There has recently been a major health scare with OH's sister who is resident in the US which seems to have sent MIL into a spiral of anxiety. MIL was a GP, and prior to that an A & E registrar, unfortunately, whilst she retired in the early 90s her medical knowledge seems to have retreated to the 60s - according to cousin L - who is a retired consultant (oncology and then palliative care). This means she can't comprehend that the issue is a relatively routine op with very low risk of side effects, as in the 60s if the issue was discovered at all, it would have been likely inoperable. MIL has gone into full panic mode, phoning all her friends, and generally being a bit of a nuisance, flapping she should really be travelling out to the US etc. OH after explaining it in several phone calls to her, has got cross with her, and told her to stop flapping, which she has denied - as she isn't aware really of her reaction. SIL has tried to explain it as well.
Both OH and SIL just think it is their mum being a bit over anxious whereas I see this as part of her continued pattern of decline.
OH is planning to visit at the weekend (subject to buying diesel) and talking to her, to tell her what she needs. I have tried gently to talk to him, but he is just dismissive. Most of the issue is the poor childhood but no understanding of dementia isn't helping. I think eh is going to tell her she needs the afternoon carer, although not sure.
Cousin L, and friend L (a retired district nurse) think she would be best in a care home, but she wouldn't accept it, clearly currently has capacity of a sort and will only move when the inevitable crisis happens. SIL has rose tinted spectacles and has always thought a live in carer will be the answer when the time comes - L and L both agree this wouldn't work.
I doubt if I could get OH to understand dementia any better that the outcome would be any different, he just might be a bit more gentle with her when he visits. The way she is getting so wound up about SIL might yet trigger a crisis - her op isn't until 27 October.
OH's childhood was miserable mainly due to a domineering father, who also dominated his mother, but he struggles with the complete lack of acknowledgement of this by his mother. She has shown very little warmth to him since his father died and we have always visited out of duty.
I don't think there are any answers or anything I can do to help either OH or anyone else in this at the moment but just need to write it down.
