Dear Nan, I am deeply concerned about you and can only echo everyone in saying please do look after yourself.
Early this morning you recognised that you had reached rock bottom and although talking to your son steadied you up, gave you some strength, you have been through so much, and there is more to come. It must have been difficult for you returning to the hospital today. Yes it is emotionally draining to see and feel the awful distress yet trying to remain upbeat and reassuring. As you know, it hits you later.
You need to try to find ways to pace yourself, not run on an empty tank but keep topping it up.
Counselling or more immediately, Samaritans, is not a weakness. Make time for your own needs, for you sake and for Brian.
Sorry, I do not mean to nag. Like everyone else, I am worried about you. Just as you would be worried about any of us in your situation.
You are wise to go in at irregular times, rather than them expecting you at the same times and being prepared for you presence. It would also be wise not to go in every day although I realize how hard that would be for you.
The Sister was in the wrong to have come on duty at 4pm and not know Brian had been sitting like that for so long. Head staff coming on duty are supposed to be informed or inform themselves concerning patients. Considering Brian's condition if she was not verbally informed then she should have read his notes. Although it sounds as if they were not properly written up. Another of the staff at fault. However, "I don't know" is not good enough from a ward Sister.
I also wondered why she came to a halt in the ward doorway when the natural thing to do would have been to continue with you into the ward. She must have known she was in the wrong not to be up-to-date with Brian and perhaps felt guilt, on the defence plus irritation, hence her reaction to your natural gesture. Whatever she thought or felt, she was very wrong to imply that your gesture came under "abuse" and to say what she did.
Touching the Sister's elbow with your hand was hardly "hands on", or justification for her saying " Take your hands off me, Mrs P..."
I probably did worse when I put my hand on a Sister's arm and gently squeezed it. In gratitude and relief. She was the first nurse in six weeks who had an understanding of dementia, who listened and and related to the concerns I was expressing and discussed them with me. We had quite a long talk and I felt overwhelmed by what she said. As I touched her I was almost in tears and said "I could hug you!" She smiled and said "take care".
Sorry I've written so much, and anxious to hear how Brian was and how you are after this evening's visit.
Oh, I am out of date, I was reading you earlier post but now your more recent one.
There are one or two nurses whom I cannot praise highly enough, and this evening's was one of them. Such a shame that they should be the rarity rather than the norm.
Oh how very true, Nan.
Also what you wrote Pied:
Some people are like that whether they are nurses or not, but I just wonder why people like that become nurses when they have clearly had a total compassion bypass!
I have been fortunate to experience a few wonderful nurses, but I have seen some who should never have been in the profession.
Not only concerning myself as a patient but also their attitude and behaviour to other patients. Particularly the elderly. Including my mother when she was dying. I'm now in that age bracket myself, but when in hospital a few times 12-15 years ago I was shocked.
Although when in for surgery 6 years ago I did have one gem of a staff-nurse who somewhat restored my confidence that true nursing "caring" in all senses of the word does still exist.
But again more recently, I was shocked by the attitude of some nurses concerning my elderly husband with dementia. One staff-nurse in particular could barely conceal her impatience and irritation.
I digress...
Hoping you sleep tonight, Nan, from exhaustion if not from a mind at peace as I would wish for you, and you must be so exhausted. You do need healing sleep. I do most deeply feel for you.
Much love
Loo xxx