Reached rock bottom

[grobertson62]

Hi

Hi Nan
been thinking of you today visiting Brian. I know how hard it is for you at this time & there never seems to be enough hours in the day


Stop, take a deep breath & breathe, well I am trying it too

take care

love GILL

 

[thatwoman]

Hi Nan,
How are you today? I'm staggered by the way you managed to bounce back over the course of the day yesterday. I hope you still feel as positive as you seemed to be by your last visit yesterday.
Your experience is all too common. When staff come on duty they are supposed to have a handover, so there can be no excuse for the sister not knowing if Brian had been moved. When Dad was in hospital last year, on one occasion he had been left sitting for hours on end before he eventually fell out of the chair onto the floor. I was told he hadn't been sitting there for long, but my sister had been in during the afternoon and he was in the same position then. She had asked for him to be put back into bed, and was told they would do it once the visitors had left "because it compromises his dignity"! Well falling on the floor does nothing for a person's dignity either.
Sorry, rant over! I hope that PALS might take up your battle for you, and for every person with dementia who doesn't have family to check on them.
Love and hugs,
Sue xxx

 

[piedwarbler]

Big hug Nan, thinking of you today xxxx

Love,

 

[Nan2seven]

Argument on the ward

Thank you again to all those of you who have continued to post. I had thought I would not have much more to add to this thread, but in fact I have ...

I am 71 years old. All my life I have hated any kind of confrontation, possibly something to do with my childhood when my two warring parents finally separated. I have never said "Boo" to the proverbial goose and have many times thought "I wish I'd said such-and-such" but never done anything about it. And my daughter-in-law says I am the politest person she has ever met. But this evening all that changed.

The nurse, with whom I had pleaded to come and see Brian with his forehead down between his hands on his bedside trolley, after six hours on his chair, said I had put both hands on her back and "ushered" her into the ward. Hence her "Take your hands off me, Mrs. P-----." I promptly replied "That is an out-and-out lie" and we had a full-blown quarrel on the ward, three other patients and two visitors present. She wanted me to go to a "quiet" room but after that lie I flatly refused.

I won't set it all out here - it is all down in my diary - but after another 'phone call from Matthew, just as I was typing it all up, he is adamant that we make a formal complaint about Friday's lack of care (and lack of food - 5.30 Thursday evening to at least midday Friday, when I left. Weetabix was ordered at 11.20 but never arrived while I was there). Especially as it is recorded in Brian's folder that he was got up in the morning (I was present, it was 11.30) and put back to bed in the evening. I found him virtually collapsed in his chair at 5.30.

One thing the nurse did keep repeating this afternoon was "Your distress intimidated me." On the way home from the hospital I wondered where compassion came into the picture.

I have hugely surprised myself.

After she left the ward, I apologised to the three other patients and two visitors (we all know each other a little already) and they were very nice about it. "When you feel strongly, you must speak up" one chap said. And that is what I did.

I will make a formal complaint through PALS.

My love and thanks to you all,
Nan XXX

 

[sue38]

Oh Nan, you didn't need that did you?

It strikes me with this nurse that she has taken 'the best form of defence is attack' strategy. She had no defence to leaving Brian for so long, and is trying to turn the tables on you .

 

[cragmaid]

Nan, this is one of those times where I think the Sister has painted her self into a corner and the only way she thinks she can get out of it is by attacking someone else. What a shame that she destroyed a lovely sense of trust and now you are having to complain, and I agree that you should complain, not that you need my permission. Make sure you include a copy to the Hospital Trust Director too. Night Nan, sleep is calling.x.

 

[maryw]

Dear Nan, how awful for you... at a time when you need compassion. I know that feeling when it is so hard to stand up to someone who is in authority over a ward. When my dear Mum was in hospital, she was very confused, agitated and anxious. Having me nearby calmed her. She also was blind and needed help with her food as well as her special diet. The ward she was on had protected mealtimes and they agreed to me bringing the food on but I wasn't allowed to feed her it She was distraught when she knew I was there but only briefly so sometimes I tried to stay and feed her. I was caught out on one occasion by her Consultant "What are YOU doing here? You have no right to be here. WE will look after your mother. We already have 1 patient, we don't want 2"

Compassion?? Empathy?? Understanding?? What?? I did complain about a number of things to the Chief Exec, but sadly failed to have the courage to name that one.

You have to speak out to make it better for others.

Sending love... please take care of yourself xxxxx

 

[Onlyme]

The nurse, with whom I had pleaded to come and see Brian with his forehead down between his hands on his bedside trolley, after six hours on his chair, said I had put both hands on her back and "ushered" her into the ward. Hence her "Take your hands off me, Mrs. P-----." I promptly replied "That is an out-and-out lie" and we had a full-blown quarrel on the ward, three other patients and two visitors present. She wanted me to go to a "quiet" room but after that lie I flatly refused.

One thing the nurse did keep repeating this afternoon was "Your distress intimidated me." On the way home from the hospital I wondered where compassion came into the picture.

I am totally on your side about the lack of care but just to play devil's advocate - you have to query if the nurse has ever been attacked and was rather scared it was going to happen again. In which case she needs to be taught more skills to handle difficult situations.

Please let us know how you get on with your letters.

Best wishes

 

[Jo1958]

Oh Nan,
Lies are lies are lies and when they happen to good people they are still lies and need to be countered, I am so very sorry that this is happening to you, my heart goes out to you as you face something that you are so not used to, facing lies and standing strong. You are in my thoughts.
With kindest regards from Jo

 

[Skye]

It strikes me with this nurse that she has taken 'the best form of defence is attack' strategy. She had no defence to leaving Brian for so long, and is trying to turn the tables on you .

Nan, I agree with Sue. That nurse is sfraid you are going to make a complaint, and is trying to frighten you off.

You and Brian are being treated disgracefully.

As well as PALS, I suggest a letter to the director of nursing. I did that when we were treated badly in A&E one time, and the difference the next time we were there was amazing.

Love,

 

[piedwarbler]

"Your distress intimidated me."

I don't follow what she means by this. How is distress intimidating???

I also would like to know how you can "usher" someone with both hands on her back?? That's how you push a car to jump start it, how would you do that to a person and talk to them at the same time?? You would have to be behind them to push them with both hands?

The only thing I can say in the nurses's defence is that she sounds very stressed. Maybe she dislikes her job. However, she should still have helped you, as you were clearly needing some support.

Well done you for standing up for yourself. Good luck with taking it further. xxxx I'm right behind you (with an army of TPers) xxxx

 

[florence43]

Dear Nan,

I'm really proud of you.

No regrets.

Sending love and admiration,

 

[lin1]

This is awfull Nan , please go to PALS and put in an official complaint about Brians lack of care and the sister.

Im real sorry you are going thro this

 

[FifiMo]

Nan

I have just caught up with your thread and agree with some of the others that the sister is trying to intimidate you and causing a diversion over the main issue which is the lack of care on the ward - which - surprise surprise - is her responsibility! She cannot claim that she just arrived on the ward because it is her responsibility to have a proper hand over at the start of the shift and an update about each patient. Interesting thing to remember and point out is how she changed her story when challenged. First she said that you had put both your hands on her back and ushered her forward. Then when you denied that that was the case - she changed her story to say she was intimated by your distress! Thing is, you were right to be distressed:

Your husband was slouched over so far that you could not move him nor get any response.

He was recently put on new medication with side effects which could have been the reason that he was in that state - yet no one thought to pursue that.

They left him sitting for hours on end when it was quite clear that he wasn't physically able to do so.

Because of his demeanour he wasn't able to eat properly and therefore went without food (and presumably fluids) for a long period of time.

When you summonsed help the Sister seemed reluctant to attend to your husband and it was this that distressed you. She considered that being checked 15 mins previously was more than suitable explanation. What if he was having a stroke (one of the side effects of the medication he is on)?

If you are making a complaint - then i'd start from the beginning of the week and how you were asked to be in attendance because they were short staffed and couldn't cope with your husband's needs.

Point out that with recent events this has now become blatently obvious and that he is being neglected! You can also point out that they have a duty of care to nurse your husband and you shouldn't be expected to do it for them. However events of last Friday have shown that the only way to counter the neglect is for you to be in attendance more often.

All of the above is the reason for your complaint and in particular you do not like the fact that the Sister chose to make personal attacks on you to cover the fact that she was in charge of a ward where a patient was visibly suffering from neglect. That is what prompted the exclamation from her - not you touching her elbow.



Fee
x

 

[Loopiloo]

Dear Nan I am absolutely horrified reading about that nurse, and very angry. She is a disgrace to her profession.

I hope you have the strength to go all the way with complaining. Straight to the top. I agree with Hazel. Even although it is not always successful as the NHS is well known for closing ranks.

Hazel wrote:
You and Brian are being treated disgracefully.

As well as PALS, I suggest a letter to the director of nursing. I did that when we were treated badly in A&E one time, and the difference the next time we were there was amazing.

Like you, I am not a confrontational person, and for similar reasons as you describe. Most of my life I would not have said boo to a goose either. But since my own health problems started some years ago I have learned with the medical profession that there are good ones and some very bad ones, and the various experiences do give you the strength to stand your ground when you know you are justified.

Apart from poor Brian's situation, this nurse has made very serious accusations concerning yourself and that is not acceptable. It should be officially recorded.

I hope she has dug a hole for herself into which she falls because she is very much in the wrong. As has been said she sounds as if she is afraid you are going to make a complaint and the more she says the more justified you are in doing so.

As Pied said:
"Your distress intimidated me."
I don't follow what she means by this. How is distress intimidating???

Also maryw

Compassion?? Empathy?? Understanding?? What?

Sorry but I am so upset by what has happened to you, Nan, it is an absolute disgrace and you were right to stand up for yourelf as you did.

What a horrible day you have had. I am so sorry.

My sympathy and love, and sending you strengthening vibes

Loo xxx

 

[Loopiloo]

Very well said, Fee.

Loo xx

 

[Bronwen]

Dear Nan...I can't find the words to say how sad I am that you are having such a terrible time..it is so difficult to speak up for yourelf if it isn't in your nature, but I think in your case it was "needs must when the devil drives" Bless you for standing up to that nurse and she obviously has dug herself a big hole..hope she falls in I say.

I just hope Brian improves soon and he can find a lovely Care Home that you and he deserve and get back some quality of life.

Keep swimming Nan!

love and a big hug

Bronwen x

 

[grobertson62]

Nan

ll I can say is " YOU GO GIRL!!!!"

I tried PALS when dad came out of hospital with someone else's drugs
I took them back & the matron just wanted to brush it under the carpet, No way I wanted to know how it happened

I also wrote to the chief exec of the trust

It took a while & I gos so fed up & was so angry I wrote to the local paper

strangely enough letter of explanation & apology arrived on the day the article went to press

so People Power works

Good luck, I am sure your letter will be articulate

GILL

 

[littlegem]

Hello Nan,
Go get them!!!!!!

There is no excuse for the way the sister treated you and lied.
There is no excuse for the way your Brian was treated.
There is no excuse for lack of care.

Thinking of you, take care of youself and don't let the bXXXers
grind you down.
xxxx

 

[danny]

Lost for words yet again Nan.Everytime I read your threads I am lost for words.

Luckily for Brian, you are not lost for words and luckily for you Nan you have a supportive son and lots of good advice and support from all your friends here.

Shame your life is one big battle.You have more than enough to cope with without having to continually fight for what is basic nursing care.

Stay strong.