Oh brother
- Thread starter Tin
- Start date
Mum's days are now just full of this over riding need to 'go home' and the same need to take her dog with her. It starts around 11 am and with varying intensity and a few car trips to distract, does not stop till around 8pm and in amongst all this is my brother, thinly disguised as the dog's brother, father, grandfather and so on The chatter seems to have slowed a little or maybe I am just getting better at switching off in my mind. The only selfish comfort I give myself is knowing Dementia sufferers in their own homes go through this VERY SELFISH.
after 2 years caring for my mum and meeting others in the same situation, I am still shocked at how severe all the symptoms can be with this illness and honestly how tired I can feel, around 5pm I finally locked the front door and fell asleep on the sofa. We are about to complete 2nd week of Mementine, up to 15 mg tomorrow - still hoping this will help with restlessness.
after 2 years caring for my mum and meeting others in the same situation, I am still shocked at how severe all the symptoms can be with this illness and honestly how tired I can feel, around 5pm I finally locked the front door and fell asleep on the sofa. We are about to complete 2nd week of Mementine, up to 15 mg tomorrow - still hoping this will help with restlessness.
Mum got up this morning claiming how much she loves me and loves living here and I was just thinking to myself wait till 11am when it all changes!! I know the trigger is her dog, we go out every morning for a few hours and she is happy, happy because dog is in the car either on her lap or very close to her. It is only when we pull into our driveway when things change. I think it is at this point when mum realises she will sort of loose her dog because it stays away from her in the house or the garden and this is when she turns on me and her desperate final plea for rest of the day is "I want to go home and I am taking MY dog with me. It is all so sad and apart from getting rid of dog [which I will never do] I cannot see this changing any time soon. I do try to keep mum out for as long as possible, but at some point we have to return home. Leaving the car unlocked and allowing mum to go in and out with the dog worked for a while, at least until she 'broke' the car, first a handle and then a flat battery- even though all interior lights were turned off. So car now locked as soon as we get out of it.
Have to say this week she has been saying very nasty things to me, telling me I cannot have any of her money, I must stop selling her things or she will call the police, demanding certain foods from me and then saying she does not like them and then the big one-telling me she has always preferred my brother over me and if he knew how I treated her and the dog then he would be here quick sharp to sort me out. I know its all from her Dementia, but sometimes its like a painful punch to the stomach and I worry if we are moving into a stage that is full of paranoia and aggression.
Have to say this week she has been saying very nasty things to me, telling me I cannot have any of her money, I must stop selling her things or she will call the police, demanding certain foods from me and then saying she does not like them and then the big one-telling me she has always preferred my brother over me and if he knew how I treated her and the dog then he would be here quick sharp to sort me out. I know its all from her Dementia, but sometimes its like a painful punch to the stomach and I worry if we are moving into a stage that is full of paranoia and aggression.
I feel for you both
Tin, your post was so hard to read. It's such a painful slow losing of someone, isn't it.
I'm at the point where a new wave of grief is surging (do they ever stop coming). Aside from the awful things mum can say, or being sweetness and light and all concerned towards brief visitors while seeing me as an extension and facilitator for her needs (alongside my poor ability to be detached where my hurting heart is concerned), she's disappearing. The woman, person, individual, personality and character is flattening out to very little that is life affirming. For herself, let alone others.
It is plain heartbreaking. You go thru' stages of being in the zone and living and dealing with how it is. But memories of Who is actually fading can just loom up and engulf you like a tsunami. It's a slow, agonizing thing to witness.
Mum is safe, I need to keep that to the forefront of my mind. Mum is safe and secure.
Sending you support. ♡
Tin, your post was so hard to read. It's such a painful slow losing of someone, isn't it.
I'm at the point where a new wave of grief is surging (do they ever stop coming). Aside from the awful things mum can say, or being sweetness and light and all concerned towards brief visitors while seeing me as an extension and facilitator for her needs (alongside my poor ability to be detached where my hurting heart is concerned), she's disappearing. The woman, person, individual, personality and character is flattening out to very little that is life affirming. For herself, let alone others.
It is plain heartbreaking. You go thru' stages of being in the zone and living and dealing with how it is. But memories of Who is actually fading can just loom up and engulf you like a tsunami. It's a slow, agonizing thing to witness.
Mum is safe, I need to keep that to the forefront of my mind. Mum is safe and secure.
Sending you support. ♡
So true MollyD and my mum is safe. In the 2 years she has been with me, she has only had 2 falls and these were due to being outside in bad weather, one fall unfortunately needed stitches and so therefore a visit to A&E She is clean and smart, no infections so far and most days she loves her food, loves spending time with my friends and they in turn are very kind to her. We live in a wonderful village and just over the garden wall is a field with 2 horses and next door some Al Pacas and the owners allow mum to feed them-joy for her. She is never left alone and yet she feels lonely. Her demands and so called needs are impossible to satisfy and in turn these needs create such endless loops.
We have not had a calm day for so long, because of course mixed in with this need to be with her dog is sundowning. I have accepted that this is how it will be and also apart from friends willing to sit with her for a few hours while I take a break and family that visit as often as they can, I have accepted that mum cannot attend any day care facilities as she has been classed as a flight risk which is not strictly right, its not that she wants to get out and wander, its the separation from her dog that causes her anxiety and she just hangs around the door the whole time. Our lovely sitter no longer comes as she was forced to take extra hours from the agency she also worked for- personally I think this was a ploy by the agency to get me to sign up with them.
Last night I saw bits of a programme following a group of senior pensioners still looking for love, fun, basically not going quietly!!! One lady celebrating her 85th birthday - red hair, wearing denim and drinking bubbly with friends and family, my mum although 2 years younger than this lady, just looks years older.
Sending you lots of support too.
We have not had a calm day for so long, because of course mixed in with this need to be with her dog is sundowning. I have accepted that this is how it will be and also apart from friends willing to sit with her for a few hours while I take a break and family that visit as often as they can, I have accepted that mum cannot attend any day care facilities as she has been classed as a flight risk which is not strictly right, its not that she wants to get out and wander, its the separation from her dog that causes her anxiety and she just hangs around the door the whole time. Our lovely sitter no longer comes as she was forced to take extra hours from the agency she also worked for- personally I think this was a ploy by the agency to get me to sign up with them.
Last night I saw bits of a programme following a group of senior pensioners still looking for love, fun, basically not going quietly!!! One lady celebrating her 85th birthday - red hair, wearing denim and drinking bubbly with friends and family, my mum although 2 years younger than this lady, just looks years older.
Sending you lots of support too.
When I look at TV footage of our Queen, who is 90, I think of all the other old ladies who are not so sprightly and mentally alert, including my mum and MIL. Whatever you think of the monarchy, and personally I approve of it, we have been blessed with a sensible hard-working woman as our Queen, who has inherited her mother's robust genes. I find it very heartening to see proof that not every old person is frail and confused. When you've lived in dementia world for a long time it seems like an inevitability for all old people, and it isn't. Not much help when you are at the sharp end Tin, I realise that, but it puts my own life in perspective. Maybe I won't get dementia, or maybe if I do there will be better treatments.
I can remember by grandmother and my parents talking with sadness about much loved family members who succumbed to diabetes, heart disease, tuberculosis, typhus, pneumonia, peritonitis, etc. when by the time they were telling me about these people there were effective treatments and cures for those things. It was a feeling of 'if only they had lived nowadays'. I live in hope that soon in this century there will be ways to help our mothers, or at least other people's mothers and fathers, husbands and wives.
I can remember by grandmother and my parents talking with sadness about much loved family members who succumbed to diabetes, heart disease, tuberculosis, typhus, pneumonia, peritonitis, etc. when by the time they were telling me about these people there were effective treatments and cures for those things. It was a feeling of 'if only they had lived nowadays'. I live in hope that soon in this century there will be ways to help our mothers, or at least other people's mothers and fathers, husbands and wives.
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My mum always used to pride herself on looking young fro her age, and I thought she did, suddenly around her 80th birthday she looked old for her age, with hindsight I think this is when the dementia was starting to kick in properly, although I also think there were issues before as well, it ties in with other behaviour changes. OH commented she had suddenly got old at the time, she suddenly looked old, can't pin it down to anything but she did change.
That is so true! I recently watched a dvd of a social history documentary produced here called "Older Than Ireland " It was interviews with 30 people, all over 100 years of age, some very frail, but several still living independently, going off alone on the bus to the shops, cooking for themselves etc. They were asked about all sorts of subjects, though you couldn't hear the questions, but it was so uplifting to hear and see so many people of that age so full of zest for life, and the memories they came out with!
Little old ladies, 100 years old, cackling with glee as they told of climbing out the bedroom window to sneak off to a dance, and climbing back in through the window again before anyone was up in the morning. Just wanted my mum to be one of those old ladies! In my village I have a friend, who is just a few years younger than my mum, the stuff she still does and her amazing memory, while I have almost forgotten the time I first met her, she recalls it so clearly and she still works a little, really into antiques and attending auctions, making money. Any party invitations and she is there, does not miss a thing. A few years ago I had hurt my back and could hardly move, certainly could not drive. It was in the middle of a really bad Winter and bless this woman she got her car out and drove me to village shop to pick up a few things. While she was helping me out of her car this chap turned up and said to her "here let me help you with your Mother" I was devastated, but my friend, well she just lapped up the attention and good for her.
We are not having a great day, mum just seems so miserable and we have had two great outings, but again as soon as we return here her mood changes, she does not want to be here, she thinks the house is dirty, wants to go back to own home, wants to see my brother and now she keeps complaining of pain all over her body and I must take her back to her own houseor the hospital
Of course all this just makes me feel like I am not meeting her needs, but then how can I when dealing with Dementia. So half hour ago I gave her 1mg Lorazapam, hoping it would stop the anxiety escalating. Have not done this for ages, but needs must today.
Also finding that Memantine is not helping, it seems to actually be bringing on these memories of home and people from her past - not what we need - thought we had got over this a year ago.
She is presently walking up and down garden path, opening rear door to garage - she sometimes thinks this area is her old house and keeps commenting on how dirty it is, of course it is, full of rubbish.
Of course all this just makes me feel like I am not meeting her needs, but then how can I when dealing with Dementia. So half hour ago I gave her 1mg Lorazapam, hoping it would stop the anxiety escalating. Have not done this for ages, but needs must today.
Also finding that Memantine is not helping, it seems to actually be bringing on these memories of home and people from her past - not what we need - thought we had got over this a year ago.
She is presently walking up and down garden path, opening rear door to garage - she sometimes thinks this area is her old house and keeps commenting on how dirty it is, of course it is, full of rubbish.
Tin, I spend my time with a knot in my gut feeling I'm not meeting mum's needs. Because I want her to be happy. Dementia won't enable that, as you say. Really feel for you. It's rotten. For what it's worth, it sounds to me like you're doing a fantastic job. We can only do what we can do.
A big letting go for me was realizing I'm simply not always the best person for the job. I have a truck load of carers at night and now have started taking three days away a week. These carers are long in the tooth with experience in their own lives as well as work experience. *They* have elected to split shifts and days to cope. And here was I trying to go it alone like a would be saintly daughter. I've never seen horns as big as my own as when I try to be a lone saint.
And still I feel guilty and ashamed at times that I can't do it all in a loving manner all the time. Hands up. I can't. Marnie's post reminded me how we are most loving when we accept our limitations and act responsibly on them no matter what anyone else on the outside thinks.
You 'real' mum would know you are doing your utmost. Mine too. The women with dementia simply can't. It's painful to live thru'. The redemption is in doing whatever is best for her and yourself. Different for each situation and time.
Sorry for taking up your thread to say it. Your post moved me *again* because it's obvious you care and like so so many here, like me, can only do so much.
A big letting go for me was realizing I'm simply not always the best person for the job. I have a truck load of carers at night and now have started taking three days away a week. These carers are long in the tooth with experience in their own lives as well as work experience. *They* have elected to split shifts and days to cope. And here was I trying to go it alone like a would be saintly daughter. I've never seen horns as big as my own as when I try to be a lone saint.
And still I feel guilty and ashamed at times that I can't do it all in a loving manner all the time. Hands up. I can't. Marnie's post reminded me how we are most loving when we accept our limitations and act responsibly on them no matter what anyone else on the outside thinks.
You 'real' mum would know you are doing your utmost. Mine too. The women with dementia simply can't. It's painful to live thru'. The redemption is in doing whatever is best for her and yourself. Different for each situation and time.
Sorry for taking up your thread to say it. Your post moved me *again* because it's obvious you care and like so so many here, like me, can only do so much.
No, no, no need to say sorry Molly, in fact I have started the process to get extra help in my home, first port of call was Local Authority, presently waiting for return call to confirm a home visit appointment. And now my finances are a little better, I have advertised for someone to come and relieve for a few hours a week. All I need is someone to help me through all this. I have accepted that I can no longer be the centre of mum's world.
Been in same position as Marnie a number of times this year. Admitting that we need help is hard and then following through is so tough, but getting the help needed before that crisis moment arrives is so important.
Been in same position as Marnie a number of times this year. Admitting that we need help is hard and then following through is so tough, but getting the help needed before that crisis moment arrives is so important.
Been told to stop giving mum Memantine. The last few days have been terrible, can only describe mum as being manic, also paranoia and hallucinations have entered our lives. Sudden memories from her past have only served to upset her. It is difficult to put all down here as I am so tired and confused, but by midday yesterday things were so bad that I rang memory clinic hoping to talk to Doctor, unfortunately he is away but a member of his team called me back fairly immediately and I explained all I could to her. she tried to establish from me when the manic behaviour started i.e was it there when she was on 5mg, 10mg or the last two days of 15mg. Told her it was there in small doses before we started this drug, but like the increase each week, her behaviour got worse. She is so low in spirit yet manic in behaviour and speech. So we are off them for a few days, just to see if things calm down and if that is the case then we will be talking about trying a different Anti depressant and not taking any more Memantine.
Now today is going to be a bit difficult because my brother, her shining light! is due to arrive any minute and before he can enter the house she will insist he takes her home.
I just want him to take her out for an hour or so.
Now today is going to be a bit difficult because my brother, her shining light! is due to arrive any minute and before he can enter the house she will insist he takes her home.
I just want him to take her out for an hour or so.
How did your brother's visit go Tin? I hope he afforded you a few hours out on your own to clear your head and relax even just a little bit. And how is it going with withdrawing the Memantine - is Mum any calmer? Do hope you've at least had your call back from LA to confirm a home visit and get you some more help and support - you do so much but you are not superhuman and you must think of yourself as well.
All went well with brother's visit, did not take her out but sat in garden with her for an hour. Apart from mum's obsession with him, he backs me on everything I decide. Withdrawal from Memantine has gone well, much calmer almost immediately and now we are withdrawing Anti depressants doctor agrees with me that her dementia has moved on enough not to get any benefits, just side effects. Memantine definitely not for mum, it was just horrible.
So I am now just looking around for something that will ease mum's separation anxiety. All about the dog and once it starts it can get out of hand. and of course still has sun downing, all about wanting to go home.
Today we had our first visit from dentist and while I was dreading the time when I had to get mum to sit still while impression taken- didn't happen, she was the perfect patient! hopefully in 3 weeks time she will have new dentures.
So far week has started well, apart from one little thing, neighbour brought mum back to house this afternoon, while I was busy ironing she left the garden!!!
So I am now just looking around for something that will ease mum's separation anxiety. All about the dog and once it starts it can get out of hand. and of course still has sun downing, all about wanting to go home.
Today we had our first visit from dentist and while I was dreading the time when I had to get mum to sit still while impression taken- didn't happen, she was the perfect patient! hopefully in 3 weeks time she will have new dentures.
So far week has started well, apart from one little thing, neighbour brought mum back to house this afternoon, while I was busy ironing she left the garden!!!
Oh gosh Tin, that must have been a bit of a heartstopper, but better than going out and just finding her gone.
Glad the Memantine withdrawal has gone so well, and glad the antidepressants are going as well if they aren't helping Mum.
Have you tried Mum with a toy doggy - some of them are very realistic and if she could carry it around with her and stroke it and talk to it it might just work. Might be worth a try.
Someone else on here recommended the same, she got a life size border collie from Amazon for her husband. I have found a company [well I've found their website] that make to order, seems I have to send them photos and the breed, thinking of giving them a try, although at the moment mum is not into toy replacements. Still waiting to hear from local authority regarding assessment, but will not let it go.
So just reporting in, almost a week since mum has taken any medication while I am now just dealing with Dementia issues and behaviour, still very odd. A few long gone habits have returned some easier to deal with and ignore than others. She is still wandering and today out the gate again today, apparently she just wanted to go for a walk! So I am now parking the car soooooo close to gate that mum cannot get passed it. Still chattering about everything and nothing. All of this not done with the same intensity, in fact quite calm. One of the 'returning' things though is that we seem to be having more sleepless nights going to bed later, tonight she was still pottering around the garden at 10pm. Getting up around 3am and comes straight into my bedroom, could all be due to the bright, early mornings and an amazing but disruptive dawn chorus. I am still tired, so some things don't change.
