1. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,829
    UK
    Thread is titled Oh brother for a good reason, although I have not posted much about mum's obsession with her son (my brother) it is always there and most of the time I can ignore it, but sometimes it drives me crazy and this weekend was one of those times. She has transferred her need to be with him onto me or her dog. Example:-

    " why don't you want to see your brother? you should because
    he has something for you. He is missing you and wants to
    see you. He is planning a party for you. He has said if we go
    to see him he will build a flat for us. Don't you want to give
    him your shoes? I know he needs us and we should go straight
    away."

    And to the dog it is usually

    " He wants to take you to the hospital, are you ready because he
    is on his way. Now don't worry, he will get us out of here. Don't
    argue with me because he wants you with him. He keeps calling
    and asking how you are and I am fed up telling him that you are
    unhappy so you need to tell him this and if you tell him this I will
    give you the chocolate, so come on lets go."

    The same stuff, plus more, over and over and then after a while she starts to get angry, usually with me, accusing me of kidnapping her baby (the dog). That I am keeping her from her beloved son, husband, father, brother!

    And the moaning, wow she can really go for it. Does not like the cup of tea or coffee I have made for her so 8th one gets poured down sink, scrambled egg too much or not enough . In the garden she just wants to pull everything out of flower beds because they look dirty. The pansies that I bought, potted and spread all around, does not like the colours.

    Its getting hard and to quote Lavender, I am "Too numb to care"
     
  2. Clueless2

    Clueless2 Registered User

    May 14, 2015
    34
    Tin,
    I began to read your thread some months back; the title caught my eye as the sun apparently shines out of my brother too. You have been an inspiration to me and I am sure many others on TP. So this is to send you huge hugs, you sound thoroughly depressed and utterly worn down at the moment.

    You are experienced and know how to care for your mum better than anyone (including your brother) but despite your best endeavours there will be times when you are exhausted and have tried everything. Would it be possible to ask for respite? to give you a little time to recharge, for others (SS, GP possibly,heaven forbid, the sainted brother) to take the strain?

    xx
     
  3. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,829
    UK
    Hi Clueless, the ever elusive respite, believe me, we have tried. Once with her dog and once without - just awful that it was not worth getting the time away from her to only be greeted 2 days later with ongoing insults and massive sundowning. While she was there she can only be described as the disruptive one, took a dislike to all the staff and one permanent resident that she spent most of her time 'mocking'. 2nd time I left her dog with her and it seems the night staff spent most of their time racing around the home trying to stop the dog going into other residents rooms! Tried day care again last week-not great, the staff are very honest about how she is, trying again this week, but she has become the disruptive one again and her need to get out is over whelming, the staff cannot force her to stay.

    When mum first came to live with me she did go to stay with my brother so I could get a rest, but she hated coming back to me and was not quiet about it. I actually think that those visits just enforced her need to be with him. originally our plan was to let her live with brother and she was told this and was so happy. But plans changed, his mother in law moved in and I think this enraged mum.

    Her need to be with my brother is now so deep and was only eased for a short time while she was taking a particular anti depressant, but now a change in meds and the whole obsession is back. All day today all she has done is follow me around mumbling about him and if I just ignore her she spends the rest of her time trying to get the dog down to the garden gate where he is waiting for her. As I sit here typing this she is chattering about him and does not seem to be aware that I am preoccupied, keeps announcing that she will go home now, but she will visit me tomorrow and do I mind. with all of this I swear there is a sound of 'pity me' in her voice.

    It has been raining most of the day and apart from 2 hours out this morning, we have been inside so it is very possible that I am feeling caged up with no place to turn!!! I've had the tv on all day to try and distract her, but all the actors look like my brother-cannot win!!!!!
     
  4. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,829
    UK
    My poor mum, sometimes it is so sad just to observe what she does.

    Whenever she finds a big enough bag, today she found one of my old baskets, she puts a few odds and ends in it then leaves enough room for her dog, then begins to coax said dog to get into it. At moment basket is laying on its side next to dog. She so wants the dog to get into it so they can go home.
     
  5. Onlyme

    Onlyme Registered User

    Apr 5, 2010
    4,999
    UK
    Mum used yo go on at new that a relative was waiting, wanting to visit and I was stopping them. She never let up when like this and I tried to zone her out.

    Every day she reset to almost the same script. Mum used a sing song mocking voice which she saved for those who she called mental, soft in the head etc very loudly.
     
  6. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,829
    UK
    Sounds like the same things that go on here, especially the mocking. The dog has moved further away from the basket and I have been accused of moving it!! Also discovered/realised that when ever she has done something wrong and she is aware of it, She turns on me, blames me and then announces that she will go home now. Same when she feels we are ignoring or insulting her - well time to go home!!!!

    I zone out too.
     
  7. Lavender45

    Lavender45 Registered User

    Jun 7, 2015
    1,598
    Liverpool
    I'm new to the sundowning situation, but in the last week mum has been terrible, wanting to go home, accusing me of keeping her here against her will, packing and funnily enough wanting to take our dog with her.

    I truly don't how his you manage to zone it out. Maybe it comes with time, but right now I could run away and just like mum I'd take the dog too.
     
  8. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,829
    UK
    I'd take the dog too. It has been a particularly bad day, she is also back on the 'chatter train' but none of this has been sundowning as such, just endlessly trying to find ways of getting home and very vocal. leaning to one side has returned it comes and goes.

    She is quiet at the moment, actually I think she is sleeping, difficult to tell because she is wearing very dark sun glasses, she looks like she is watching the tv, but how can she see it through those glasses!!! What helps me 'zone out' is either pretending to be asleep, or working/hiding behind my laptop, when I do this she just chatters on but does not look to me for any answers, that is until I open my eyes or close my laptop!
     
  9. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,829
    UK
    Well if it wasn't sundowning earlier Lavender, it is now. Not been able to lock front door yet, mum is wandering to and from, there is a lock on the gate so at least I know she cannot leave the garden, but she is agitated and very repetitive and she is still wearing the sun glasses. Hopefully this will be over soon and I can get her into bed, no bath tonight just straight to bed.
     
  10. Lavender45

    Lavender45 Registered User

    Jun 7, 2015
    1,598
    Liverpool
    Oh Tin I don't known how you cope! You deserve a shed load full of medals.

    My mum has just gone up to bed. Going by the last few days she will be back down again soon ready to go home because she really cannot sleep here. My nerves are on edge just waiting to hear her on the stairs even whilst I'm hoping she'll just go straight to sleep.

    Lavender x
     
  11. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,829
    UK
    Know that feeling so well, its a 6th sense thing isn't it. There are nights when I put mum to bed, but know that she will not stay there and I will suddenly look around after half hour and there she is standing behind the sofa, asking very silly questions, so up I get put her back to bed. Thursday night was like that, went to bed at 10pm and within half hour she was up, huffing and puffing, mumbling my name, talking about the bedroom being too big or something like that. I had hardly got out of her bedroom when she was up again! So at midnight I gave her a sleeping pill, I just cannot cope with nights like That any more. The first year with me it was happening all night long and almost every night.

    Tonight I had to bring mum in and lock front door around 9.15, although not that dark it was getting cold and the combination lock I have on the gate is only small so when dark you cannot see the number code to open it. Would not like to have an emergency and not be able to open the gate, ambulance would have to have a bolt cutter as well!!!
    Once inside she was still wandering to and from the front door, pulling at the handle. Sometime soon I am going to have to replace this door and its surround, honestly with all the pushing and pulling mum has done, I think it will fall apart soon. I know it will have to be done before the Winter.

    She is in bed now and as far as I know is fast asleep, but will have to go in later and get her to use the commode and at same time make sure her pull ups are still on. Here's another loop she has got into, at some point after going to bed, she takes these off, but later when I check and put back on, they stay on till the morning.

    Lets hope we both have a peaceful night, I love these hours between 10 and midnight, that's if she stays in bed.
     
  12. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013
    3,701
    It just doesn't get any easier for you Tin, does it :( I wish I could offer some advice or sugestions that would help with the issues you are facing, but sadly, I know all too well that even if you find something that helps initially, at this stage either 'something new' starts, or medications and so on can often only bring a short term improvement. I feel for you with the damage to the doors - I've lost count of the number of door handles we have replaced since Mil moved in, because of the amount of time she has spent trying to get out to 'get home', rattling, pulling and twisting at them, till they quite literally just break. I've also had periods of time where pull ups were regularly removed at some point after Mil went to bed - in her case, it could happen at any time through the night and my solution ended up being a completely waterproof mattress and pillow - and a lot of washing :(

    I'd love to be able to scream at social workers and doctors on your behalf and demand some help for you. You only have to read these forums for a short while to understand that there is a huge need for respite and day care in secure EMI places, that can deal with challenging behaviour. It sickens me that the professionals in the DC places you have tried can't cope with your Mum - but you have to. So, so wrong :(

    xxxxxx
     
  13. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,829
    UK
    Thanks Ann,

    It is hard, but I am nowhere near the time you are having, although there are similarities regarding behaviour and medication. Sadly, I have very little confidence in Social Services. We only have one day care centre in this area. It is clean, bright and has a small fenced off balcony area, with can you believe-plastic grass-and a low fence that even my mother could clear if she wanted to! And there are corridors leading to the main parts of the carehome. ageuk do run a small afternoon daycare service, but I don't think there is a locked door policy. On the positive side though, there are lots of elderly groups that regularly meet for lunches, tea and coffee mornings. Also Bingo and Art clubs, but I have to stay with mum for these and they do give me a break at least from her endless chatter, but usually we only get to stay about 45 minutes, she starts to get agitated and can sometimes disrupt the group. There are day care services in other boroughs, but these require at least an hour in the car and mum just cannot take that length of time, after all the whole point is to try and avoid any situations that would cause/increase her anxiety.

    On the whole I do keep her busy, we are out most days, but I do try to stay at home for weekends, if only for me to recoup and gear up for the week ahead and just maybe get some housework done.

    If I am really honest, all I want is for mum's dog obsession to lessen and maybe the wandering to slow down a little.

    I am keeping up with your thread and it is good that you are going to give it all one more go, only way you'll know for sure.
     
  14. reedysue

    reedysue Registered User

    Nov 4, 2014
    4,585
    Scotland
    I know what you mean about the dog obsession, my mum is constantly asking where my dog is and wanting him to sit with her, the result being that he sits anywhere but with mum which creates a circle.
     
  15. Lavender45

    Lavender45 Registered User

    Jun 7, 2015
    1,598
    Liverpool
    Hi Tin.

    Hope you enjoyed ELO and that it's been a good day overall.

    Well I got it wrong yesterday. Mum went to bed and slept right through, no getting up and pleading or ranting to go home.

    Mum has just gone up to bed and I'm a little worried that I'm going too jinx it, but mum has been great all day, she's known this is home, she's been calm and I know it's a phrase I shouldn't use, but so normal all day. I will never understand dementia. I just pray tomorrow is as good as today.
     
  16. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,829
    UK
    Same here, she slept right through from midnight till about 7am, unfortunately she did take pull ups off first thing in morning and yes there was a bit of a mess to clean up, but at least I had had a good nights sleep and so easy to cope. And again like you, mum has been really calm for most of the day.

    Yes I did enjoy watching ELO and what made it more enjoyable was that mum did not chatter through it all, I think she enjoyed it too. She is still up, but looking tired, so fairly soon when the time is right, I shall put her to bed.
     
  17. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,829
    UK
    So last night was bad, mum went to bed at 10.30, but was up at 11.15. Put her back to bed and encourage her to stay there I went to bed, but did not work, up and down, in and out of my bedroom, before she became too anxious I gave her a sleeping pill, and apart from sleeping for half hour, did not help at all, then she started to turn all the lights on starting with my bedroom, so I got up and removed the light bulb! It must have been 4 a.m when she stopped looking for clothes, shoes etc and asking me over and over "when are we leaving, what time, are we taking the car?" Then she fell asleep, but only for 3 hours. So this afternoon I shall be taking a nap, not just close my eyes and pretend to be sleeping so mum will leave me alone, but a proper nap. Done my bit for mum this morning, took her to a coffee morning at local church, lots of people there so lots of chatter for her, then a supermarket shop. Now I'm done, back to padlock on gate, mum somehow managed to break combination lock one. In an hour or two I shall be locking the front door, put a few things on dining room table to hopefully keep her interested and that's it, feet up for a nap.

    Made a big decision today, going to stop giving mum cigarettes, time to give up.
    It has now become too dangerous, she just cannot do it anymore and honestly quite messy, she empties ashtray down toilet or goes out into garden and throws in flower bed, I have even found ends in her pockets. I have managed to cut her down from god knows how many a day to 5, but I want to stop it all now, so going to get a prescription for patches tomorrow, this comes under the title of 'keeping her safe'.
     
  18. Lavender45

    Lavender45 Registered User

    Jun 7, 2015
    1,598
    Liverpool
    I truly don't know how you cope. Mum slept through to 8am this morning and has been pretty happy so far today, mind you I am well aware that she can spin on a sixpence so you never know, but fingers crossed.

    Did you say in an earlier post that your mum is going to another day care session this week. Maybe if you persevere she will eventually settle. I don't understand how you are expected to cope when trained staff struggle. It shows just what a good job you do. I think you are right about the smoking. If you've already weaned her down to about 5 a day maybe the side effects won't be to bad, especially with patches to support her.

    Even though my mum seems happier I've called the memory clinic and I'm waiting for a call back. Mum is only on donprezil and when she is having a bad day she is really agitated. We need something to take the edge off things otherwise I'm not going to cope. I spoke with my sister about mum's agitation yesterday in the hopes she would offer some help, but despite working only 4 days a week she is too busy. There are times when I hope what goes around will eventually come around for little sis!
     
  19. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,829
    UK
    She goes tomorrow, but it all hangs on whether or not she sleeps tonight, if she doesn't and I take her along anyway, it could be a disaster and I know they will not be able to cope, they already have her history from previous attempts at day care. Honestly, I do not think day care will work for us and I am only doing it to satisfy the siblings. I would far prefer to find someone to come here to the house, last year I had a wonderful lady who came and spent time with mum, happily chatting away, mainly about how much mum loves her dog, it worked, I have my neighbours house keys and so I went there to sleep. but we lost her to a big agency. I am looking for someone else, but it takes time. If tomorrow works I will be the first one to cheer, but I always work on the theory that peace and calm goes a long way to living with Dementia. My mum was always a difficult person to please and that has got worse with Dementia, she is soooo demanding and will not sit down to do anything and the more you try to encourage the more angry and disruptive she becomes. After 5 hours of keeping her away from her dog I could be in for a nightmare afternoon full of anger and hate. and some impressive sundowning, so what is the point if it only serves to increase or trigger it. At moment she is pestering me for a cigarette, as soon as she has had one, I intend to lock front door and rest!
     
  20. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,829
    UK
    Day care centre has not worked, but all is not lost as I may have found someone interested in sitting with mum for a few hours twice a week. She comes with great references and a close friend of mine has introduced us, so next week we meet for coffee jus to see if she can cope with all that goes on here. If it works then I shall be taking myself off to neighbours house just sit in peace and quiet or sleep - to get away from all this nonsense will be great.

    Today has not been a great one, probably because we had a bad night and I am tired so patience has worn thin. Most of the time I can put up with her moving things all around the house and it taking me hours to find or put things back in their place, but to add to all the obsessions we have a new one, mum seems to want to put a coat of paint on the garden table, my beautiful 40 year old weathered garden pots, even my shabby chic furniture and it is driving me crazy, she keeps pulling a tin of white gloss paint out of the shed and asking me to open it, can you imagine the mess if I did. I have now hidden the paint, along with all the other tins and I hope she does not find them. This again is another trait from her past, she and dad were always painting old garden equipment. Am really hoping this need to 'paint my garden' will pass.
     

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