1. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,829
    UK
    Why oh why, when mums world is collapsing around her, memory just shot to hell, [don't worry, not expecting any answers to this, it is what it is] but why when she forgets me, my sister, friends, does she still remember my brother. Every afternoon when the clock strikes one, she starts with the questions and pleads with me almost every minute to call him, or why hasn't he called, what do you think hes doing right now, why has he not come for his dinner and on and on, distraction does not work, can't go out for too long in case we miss his call. Her conversation all afternoon is when, why and how. At this moment, because we are expecting a call from him, her brain is telling her that he is coming over and so she is waiting at the garden gate. So here it is EVERYTHING else is being forgotten, but not her son.
     
  2. AlsoConfused

    AlsoConfused Registered User

    Sep 17, 2010
    1,958
    Mum has been the same over her sister (who died some time back). I hate the long and involved discussions about what Mum's sister may be doing and thinking and the exclusive concentration on her ...
     
  3. Vesnina

    Vesnina Registered User

    Aug 25, 2013
    179
    #3 Vesnina, Jul 16, 2014
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2014
    There are various possible explanations, but I will stick with mine:
    my baby brother had bad luck in his first days, there was an epidemic at the hospital,
    and we - mum first - had to take special care for him while he was baby...
    etc etc... The problem was solved, but the special care remained...

    Mothers must care most for the most problematic child.
    I know she loved me, but it always seemed she cared more for her son...
    who brought home various problems (well nothing too serious)...
    Now he is grown up, and fine, but...


    I never brought home any problems: everything in school etc etc was solved without any worry,
    without any effort from my parents' side... they could just watch me growing...
    But my brother required much of their involvement, and he became dearer, I dare say...
     
  4. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,829
    UK
    Also confused, I wonder if its down to emotions, is that all we have left, after we forget everything learned over a lifetime.
     
  5. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    4,295
    SW London
    So hard for you. Someone becomes obsessed with something, like a bee buzzing in their brain, and nothing will distract them from it. My mother had what I would call 'serial" obsessions - one would eventually buzz off, only to be replaced by another. I used to want to scream when people suggested distraction, a nice cup of tea etc., as if I were just too plain daft to think of anything so simple. It might distract her for 20 seconds, or even half a minute, but then it would start again, relentlessly, on and on and on.

    You have all my sympathy - do wish I had something more helpful to say.
     
  6. Linbrusco

    Linbrusco Registered User

    Mar 4, 2013
    1,573
    Female
    Auckland...... New Zealand
    Is he the baby of the family?
    My brother is and Mum thinks the sun shines out of his proverbial.
    Never mind the fact that he does nothing for her, and conned her into giving him her credit card and PIN no, and racked up GBP3000 in debt and the bank was about to get debt collectors onto Mum & Dad to repay.
    I only discovered it all when Mum was about to go into hospital and I was sorting all her bills.
    He has almost paid it all back.
     
  7. garnuft

    garnuft Registered User

    Sep 7, 2012
    6,589
    #7 garnuft, Jul 16, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 16, 2014
    Well, I'm the baby of a family of six, three girls, three boys (pleasing symmetry..?)

    I wasn't the one that caused the most bother, I was the one after that.;)

    My youngest, older brother was the favourite but as a baby and a little girl, I was always at me Mam's knee so she talked with me there because I was 'invisible'.

    She knew his faults, he somehow melted his way through.

    He wasn't a good son to her, he abandoned her when left home to marry at 17, yes 17.

    And he never came back again as a normal human being, good degree, earned a fortune...he was always full of BS, she knew it, she loved him regardless.

    I hated him, he was violent to his wife and children, ******* anything with a pulse, a high-flying idiot.

    He left her in her last years, he only visited twice in the last two years of her life, half dead expensive flowers sent from Interflora, with loving notes written in a strange hand...

    'He can't even be bothered to pinch a Daffodil and fetch it to me.' she once said.

    She was constantly asking me to 'Ring our Phillip, make sure he's alright'.

    But in the end, when she was dying and we were caring for her at home...ALL of my other siblings fell by the wayside and he stepped up to the plate.

    So my YOB will always have a special place in my heart, as he did in my mother's.
    Hard to explain but it's still there.

    Sometimes there is no justice. x
     
  8. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,829
    UK
    He's the middle child, between 2 girls. Like me he had problems with dad and so for a few years was not in her life, I was in and out of their lives because of work abroad, but I kept in touch. I gather before he disappeared there were arguments with dad over money/loans and mum not liking his then wife. He just backed off after an argument with them for about 4 years and reappeared when dad was diagnosed with cancer. She has relied on him a lot since dad's death. I think this was about the time mum got ill. She has spoken to him now, but I think she still believes he's coming over [100 miles] Now sitting in the car with her little dog, will get her in soon, afterall sh's missing coronation street.
     
  9. lizzybean

    lizzybean Registered User

    Feb 3, 2014
    1,398
    Lancashire
    Don't forget as well that they come from an age when the male of the species was king. My MIL has always favoured my son cos he was 1st grandchild but mainly cos he was male (this was way before AD) also now she always asks me what time my OH is due home "well you better get home & get his tea on". We don't really live in that age anymore but they still do.....
     
  10. garnuft

    garnuft Registered User

    Sep 7, 2012
    6,589
    Aw...your little old Mum. The darling.

    I hope you have a decent night's sleep tonight.
     
  11. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,361
    Kent
    My mother wasn't the best daughter , but her brother was an even worse son. However he had a way with words and wrote the most wonderful letters to my grandmother, always starting;

    Darling Mamma.

    No prizes for guessing who was the favorite.
     
  12. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    4,295
    SW London
    Goodness, that rings a bell! My mother was much the same and when it used to be very hard ending CH visits, I would often 'use' OH, saying I had to go and get his dinner on, or pick him up from station or airport. TBH my mother always preferred men, and my only brother out of 4 of us was always the 'golden boy' but I have to say he always did his share and more, and probably suffered more than the rest of us because he was the one she really wanted there most.
    Pre dementia she would never in a million years have admitted that he was her favourite, or that she even had such a thing, but it was always pretty obvious.
     
  13. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,829
    UK
    Not sure that's going to happen tonight, got her in house, but she genuinely thinks she's going somewhere. coat on, handbag over shoulder surrounded by a few carrier bags with odds and ends in, "right I'll get going now just in case" heading for front door.I've seen this 'thread' before, its on her mind and nothing I do can distract her, even a drive around in the car, a warm bath and drink, her little dog [very soon she'll ask if I can baby sit.
     
  14. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,829
    UK
    Same here witzend, but it does sometimes feel a bit creepy and inappropriate and of course he does know about her obsession with him, just havn't told him how far it's gone, don't want to freak him out.
     
  15. garnuft

    garnuft Registered User

    Sep 7, 2012
    6,589
    Lol. :)
     
  16. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,829
    UK
    No wonder there are so many entertaining plays and novels out there about mother/son relationships, the true stories are there. Saw one such story on t.v last week, think it was called The Little House. Anyhow, mum has calmed down a little, but I can tell he's still on her mind. Lets see how the evening goes shall we, I maybe at this keyboard regularly tonight, just to let all you wonderful people know what's happening in one cottage in the corner of rural Rutland, It will keep me sane!
     
  17. Raggedrobin

    Raggedrobin Registered User

    Jan 20, 2014
    1,432
    My mum calls me by my sister's name, refers to the job my sister does, my sister's husband and where my sister lives, all as being me. As my sister is an invisible and recently told me she hates our mother and only visits rarely and under duress, I find it all rather disconcerting. Even the care home staff call me by my sister's name, because they hear her using it.:rolleyes:

    I am the youngest, she is the oldest, my theory is that it may be that she likes to imagine that my sis came round in the end. One day she even said 'you always love your firstborn the most':mad:

    I would say the middle daughter, who died many hears ago, was actually the one she loved the best, but she only occasionally mentions her, as being my twin sister, which she isn't.
     
  18. Mango

    Mango Registered User

    Mar 16, 2014
    44
    New Zealand
    Ah, That might explain my Mum... I see her everyday, but she spends a large part of the time asking about my sister (number two of four children and the one most like my Mum) "Where is A?.. What is she doing?... Shall we ring her?" And as someone mentioned, distraction does not work...

    Often we ring my sister, write the details in Mum's diary and five minutes later the questions start again.
     
  19. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,829
    UK
    Like raggedrobin, I am all of these, sometimes I'm someone she only works with, she's my boss, but she's very fond of me! and i'm a good little worker!

    Mum went to bed half hour ago, but up now worrying about her dog, brother completely forgotten, someone mentioned earlier in this thread, only space for one obsession at a time!
     
  20. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,829
    UK
    Oh boy, where does an 80 yr old lady weighing just over 6 stone, get her energy from, especially today. Hardly eating too, everything I produce she gives straight to her dog, I'm sure she thinks she's feeding herself when she feeds her dog. She has not sat down for more than 5 minutes. and another thing shes started to do, waiting for my brother to call, she sits in the car! Again I ask, when everything and everyone is being forgotten, etc..... sometimes wonder where is her purpose or quality of life, the anxiety must be feeding the dementia, lack of food, cigarette smoking and the risks she takes, this morning I caught her trying to move a large Victorian chest of drawers. of course I'm thinking like this today because we had a very, very bad night, again the poor little dog. She has had her phone call and skpe from my brother, calmed her for a while but now the same as last night she wants to know what he said to me, I didn't talk to him. And now, bless her, she has all her knickers out again and hanging each pair over a chair. I have a lot of chairs, so that's a lot of knickers!
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.