not sure what to do

[kelowe]

I have been trawling the internet for information but I really don't know what I'm looking for. I've just had a distressing conversation with my 81 year old mother (dementia diagnosed about 2 years ago) who is convinced that I am looking after her young daughter who is pre school age. The girl has the same name as my 18 year old daughter and even after a brief conversation with her, Mum wants to know when I'm bringing 'her' daughter back as she is missing her. My 85 year old father is getting cross with her (they live 100 miles away) and I have explained to him that in her mind this all really exists. I don't know how to reduce this anxiety, concerned that if I show up at their home she'll be more upset as I haven't got the 'child' with me and if I go and bring them back to my house she'll be equally upset that the 'child' isn't here. I was wondering if anyone has had a similar experience and how they managed it

 

[Trisha4]

I'm sure others with personal experience of this kind of issue will respond but my thinking is in line with hours, Mum's perception of reality is real to her and you can't change that. So can you divert the anxiety by saying the child has gone to visit X or is away at school and just keep reminding her of that story when she asks as if you are just jogging her mind about something she knows. Best wishes x

 

[kelowe]

I'm sure others with personal experience of this kind of issue will respond but my thinking is in line with hours, Mum's perception of reality is real to her and you can't change that. So can you divert the anxiety by saying the child has gone to visit X or is away at school and just keep reminding her of that story when she asks as if you are just jogging her mind about something she knows. Best wishes x

Thank you so much for your response Trisha, I will certainly try what you suggest x

 

[Eleonora]

I have been trawling the internet for information but I really don't know what I'm looking for. I've just had a distressing conversation with my 81 year old mother (dementia diagnosed about 2 years ago) who is convinced that I am looking after her young daughter who is pre school age. The girl has the same name as my 18 year old daughter and even after a brief conversation with her, Mum wants to know when I'm bringing 'her' daughter back as she is missing her. My 85 year old father is getting cross with her (they live 100 miles away) and I have explained to him that in her mind this all really exists. I don't know how to reduce this anxiety, concerned that if I show up at their home she'll be more upset as I haven't got the 'child' with me and if I go and bring them back to my house she'll be equally upset that the 'child' isn't here. I was wondering if anyone has had a similar experience and how they managed it

Good evening - That's a very tricky problem!
Just a thought.
Because summer is almost here, could you lead her to think that the child has gone on a long school trip to Japan, (or somewhere exotic) that might appeal to your mother? This mythical trip could last indefinitely, until her 'false child' disappears.

 

[kelowe]

Good evening - That's a very tricky problem!
Just a thought.
Because summer is almost here, could you lead her to think that the child has gone on a long school trip to Japan, (or somewhere exotic) that might appeal to your mother? This mythical trip could last indefinitely, until her 'false child' disappears.

Thank you Eleonora, the main problem is that Mum believes this 'child' is pre-school, (probably about age 3 from what she says) so it's a hard to find excuses for this abscence. I imagine it's an issue that there really isn't an answer too - this is a steep learning curve

 

[sistermillicent]

These are fraught times. My mum was always looking for her children and didn't ever believe any of the answers people gave her. She used to go knocking on neighbours' doors and would walk miles with dad following her looking for us.

In later days we found that if mum got agitated we would be best able to calm her by referring to the next meal, which she seemed to understand, i.e. she was staying for tea and could go home after that or her parents would be back after dinner - that sort of thing.

So perhaps you could tell your mum that you are bringing the child back after tea. It may not work but it's worth a try.

 

[kelowe]

These are fraught times. My mum was always looking for her children and didn't ever believe any of the answers people gave her. She used to go knocking on neighbours' doors and would walk miles with dad following her looking for us.

In later days we found that if mum got agitated we would be best able to calm her by referring to the next meal, which she seemed to understand, i.e. she was staying for tea and could go home after that or her parents would be back after dinner - that sort of thing.

So perhaps you could tell your mum that you are bringing the child back after tea. It may not work but it's worth a try.

Thank you, I think that may well work, as with many of that generation meal times are the main focal point of the day.