Not coping with his incontinence

[albo]

My mother has disposable bed pads made by Readi they are the best ones that we have tried and they come in a 100 pack we get the 60cm x 90 cm size.The complete care shop sell them on line as do Ebay

 

[Runawaytrain]

Re dustbins, the council here in Essex will supply an incontinence bin - no different to an ordinary bin but it gets emptied every week unlike the household waste which is every two weeks, a godsend in hot weather (not that we've had much of that this Spring).

 

[Alisongs]

Not my finest moment, I know, so I'm here on an anonymous forum to get this off my chest. Apologies if this is too much information!!!

I have just been very unkind to my husband because of his increasingly bad incontinence. He has vascular dementia. The double incontinence is becoming increasingly difficult to manage and he's just had another "toilet incident" (his words!) which has resulted in me having to completely change our bed - duvet, sheets, pillow cases etc - for the third time in a week. He stood looking at the mess and asked what I wanted him to do. I just told him to go away! He's now watching TV as if nothing has happened. We have had visits from our excellent community continence nurse, who just provided pads (which he can't/won't use) and said it's a matter of management rather than cure.

I'm absolutely at my wits end with this situation. The relentless washing, bed changing, trying to get things dry, disposing of wet and dirty pads, getting him wash his hands (and other parts of his anatomy!) to at least try to be hygienic, is taking its toll on me as his carer. It's a daily battle. Last time this happened, I changed the duvet cover and it had a mess on it again before we had even slept in it for one night! (Sorry if that's too much information).

I can cope with other aspects of his dementia - the forgetfulness etc. But, can anyone offer any advice on how I might stop myself dissolving into a tearful, hysterical mess every time this happens. This, it seems, is the one thing that I just can't deal with.

Sorry if I'm stating the bleeping obvious that you've already tried,just mentioning things not seen in the posts, here goes.....

Mattress, pillow and duvet protectors as used in guest houses under the bedlinen.
Even a large dustbin liner under the bedsheet!
Puppy pads under and over sheets and anywhere he sits.
In a cheap, washable pillow case or cushion cover for 'dignity'. Portable for using when travelling.
Much cheaper and more widely available than the type for people, but exactly the same.
Dustbin liner under cheap, washable sofa blanket on the sofa.
Cheap hand and bath towels over the bedsheet or on a seat. Think old fashioned nappy. Absorbent, washable.
Invest in a nappy bucket for smaller washable towels, flannels, covers?
For cleanup after messing clothes, a supply of big dustbin liners. Open one and stand your husband on it, so any clothes and mess coming off go in the liner, to avoid spread and stains. Wipe him(self) clean while there. Unfortunately, prescription pads for underwear seem to be notoriously unreliable. Disposable Pants sold retail will hold most solid poo for hours, even if smelly and uncomfy.
Most babies and toddlers poo and pee shortly after a meal, as the previous meal gets pushed through? Might be worth trying to get your husband to go then, or get him in the loo for a thorough wash and brush up after a meal, and if he goes, the damage is limited?
Tried all of these alone or in combination for my mum. Now got puppy pads in reserve as my husband has dementia and wears disposables as a precaution already. Constant double incontinence will be his ticket to a nursing home. Sorry just realised age of original post

 

[ged626red]

Not my finest moment, I know, so I'm here on an anonymous forum to get this off my chest. Apologies if this is too much information!!!

I have just been very unkind to my husband because of his increasingly bad incontinence. He has vascular dementia. The double incontinence is becoming increasingly difficult to manage and he's just had another "toilet incident" (his words!) which has resulted in me having to completely change our bed - duvet, sheets, pillow cases etc - for the third time in a week. He stood looking at the mess and asked what I wanted him to do. I just told him to go away! He's now watching TV as if nothing has happened. We have had visits from our excellent community continence nurse, who just provided pads (which he can't/won't use) and said it's a matter of management rather than cure.

I'm absolutely at my wits end with this situation. The relentless washing, bed changing, trying to get things dry, disposing of wet and dirty pads, getting him wash his hands (and other parts of his anatomy!) to at least try to be hygienic, is taking its toll on me as his carer. It's a daily battle. Last time this happened, I changed the duvet cover and it had a mess on it again before we had even slept in it for one night! (Sorry if that's too much information).

I can cope with other aspects of his dementia - the forgetfulness etc. But, can anyone offer any advice on how I might stop myself dissolving into a tearful, hysterical mess every time this happens. This, it seems, is the one thing that I just can't deal with.

Hi
Have you heard of Pobroll from the Alzheimers Society shop - dont know if this may help you - we also have drynites bed mats from Amazon they are fantastic at protecting our bed - my wife has a stoma alongside early onset Alzheimers which on occasions explodes so the drynites are perfect. Hopefully some of these products may help you

 

[Partner/caregiver]

Hi
Have you heard of Pobroll from the Alzheimers Society shop - dont know if this may help you - we also have drynites bed mats from Amazon they are fantastic at protecting our bed - my wife has a stoma alongside early onset Alzheimers which on occasions explodes so the drynites are perfect. Hopefully some of these products may help you

Thank you for sharing how you feel. I, too, am finding dealing with double incontinence the most difficult issue. I was dreading my partner getting to this stage (though l’ve been told not everyone experiences incontinence) and it’s really impacting on my ability to cope. It happens so randomly that our lives have become very restricted. It’s like living back in lockdown, we can’t go far from home, nor for very long. He forgets where the toilet is and uses the garden or garage quite often, should l not see him. He will drop his trousers in a public space when he wants to go. This is very traumatic for me but he doesn’t notice anything is wrong. I am his sole carer.

 

[My Mum's Daughter]

Thank you for sharing how you feel. I, too, am finding dealing with double incontinence the most difficult issue. I was dreading my partner getting to this stage (though l’ve been told not everyone experiences incontinence) and it’s really impacting on my ability to cope. It happens so randomly that our lives have become very restricted. It’s like living back in lockdown, we can’t go far from home, nor for very long. He forgets where the toilet is and uses the garden or garage quite often, should l not see him. He will drop his trousers in a public space when he wants to go. This is very traumatic for me but he doesn’t notice anything is wrong. I am his sole carer.

There comes a time where the vast majority of us have to draw our line in the sand and admit that we can no longer cope with what life is throwing at us. I'm afraid that dropping trousers in public and using what ever space is available as a public toilet, would be far more than I could ever cope with.

It's a hard and very big decision but you can't keep going like this! You can not and should not be living your life carrying a supply of bags and cleaning up after your husband.

 

[Partner/caregiver]

There comes a time where the vast majority of us have to draw our line in the sand and admit that we can no longer cope with what life is throwing at us. I'm afraid that dropping trousers in public and using what ever space is available as a public toilet, would be far more than I could ever cope with.

It's a hard and very big decision but you can't keep going like this! You can not and should not be living your life carrying a supply of bags and cleaning up after your husband.

This has crept up on us so quickly and at times l feel almost unable to cope. l tried taking him to the doctor, who just issued meds in case of infection. It’s very hard when you’re in the middle of it and trying to continue looking after your loved one.

 

[Chelseajude]

Hi
Have you heard of Pobroll from the Alzheimers Society shop - dont know if this may help you - we also have drynites bed mats from Amazon they are fantastic at protecting our bed - my wife has a stoma alongside early onset Alzheimers which on occasions explodes so the drynites are perfect. Hopefully some of these products may help you

Thank you - no not heard of pobroli will check them out.

 

[SJM10]

My husband has recently been in hospital for a new knee and developed a bed sore as he was in about a week . District nurse kindly order a special bed topper for bed sores , it looks like a hospital mattress but a topper. I have decided to keep it and am so relieved i did as as my husband fouled the bed this morning and although all bedding is affected , the real mattress was saved and just had to clean and disinfectant the hospital topper. A result !!!

 

[Chelseajude]

My husband has recently been in hospital for a new knee and developed a bed sore as he was in about a week . District nurse kindly order a special bed topper for bed sores , it looks like a hospital mattress but a topper. I have decided to keep it and am so relieved i did as as my husband fouled the bed this morning and although all bedding is affected , the real mattress was saved and just had to clean and disinfectant the hospital topper. A result !!!

Sorry to hear about the bed sore but great news that the bed topper worked!

 

[steph122]

can't offer much support however sometimes having an understanding of dementia can help. Some people who have dementia fail to recognize the body waste is theirs and some will try and put it back into their bodies, causing a reluctance to go to the toilet. Is it possible to watch his diet, I am sorry I can't be of more help, Dementia is horrible because the person who you fell in love with have long gone and you are left with a shell of the person you married

 

[steph122]

Pull-ups might work better than pads. There are also sleep suits which do up at the back that prevent the person from removing their pull-ups. If urinary incontinence is the main issue then reducing fluids later in the day, switching to decaffeinated drinks and taking your husband to the toilet a couple of times before bedtime might help. If your husband accumulates fluid around his legs and ankles during the day then this fluid will return to the kidneys when he is lying down at night and, in turn, will leave the body as urine. Lying down during the day will help the fluid leave his body during the day leaving less to be expelled during the night. There is also medication which can reduce urine production at night.

There are leaflets about urinary incontinence which you can find online.

For some carers unmanageable incontinence is their line in the sand. There is nothing wrong in deciding that it is your line in the sand and that it's time for your husband to move into a care home. Adult incontinence without the cooperation of the person who is incontinent is exhausting and it can be very unpleasant living in a home which is repeatedly soiled, however fastidious you are.

I don't like to think of any reason why I would move my wife into a care home, at least at home I can monitor her condition and not have to use the excuse " we do not have the staff" when help is needed

 

[SeaSwallow]

This has crept up on us so quickly and at times l feel almost unable to cope. l tried taking him to the doctor, who just issued meds in case of infection. It’s very hard when you’re in the middle of it and trying to continue looking after your loved one.

Hello @Partner/caregiver In the short term I would suggest that you ask for a referral to the incontinence service for advice. In the long term, it might be time for you to consider residential care for your partner if you can no longer cope with their behaviour.

 

[PES]

I fully understand what you are going through as my husband is having similar issues. It is soul destroying. My problem is he won't sit on the toilet and is unable to empty bowel properly, often leaving a trail behind somewhere. When I try to clean him he gets agitated and would be aggressive towards me.
He is on laxatives twice a day . I usually know when he needs to go to toilet but he refuses to sit down.
Any ideas of how to singley manage the personal care.?..it could be a couple of hours before carers are due to arrive.
In relation to the bin issue My council office provided a smaller bin due to incontinence issues and within 1 day the second bin was provided. I was totally amazed. I rang the council and that morning an assessor visited our home and put in the request. The bin arrived the next working day.

 

[SeaSwallow]

I fully understand what you are going through as my husband is having similar issues. It is soul destroying. My problem is he won't sit on the toilet and is unable to empty bowel properly, often leaving a trail behind somewhere. When I try to clean him he gets agitated and would be aggressive towards me.
He is on laxatives twice a day . I usually know when he needs to go to toilet but he refuses to sit down.
Any ideas of how to singley manage the personal care.?..it could be a couple of hours before carers are due to arrive.
In relation to the bin issue My council office provided a smaller bin due to incontinence issues and within 1 day the second bin was provided. I was totally amazed. I rang the council and that morning an assessor visited our home and put in the request. The bin arrived the next working day.

Hello @PES This is so hard for you. I cannot give you any advice on dealing with personal care single handed but hopefully someone will come along who had some experience. Would your husband wear pullups to help contain any accidents??