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  1. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    7,352
    Oh Bemused, I am so sorry you've had a difficult week. Sometimes, people just don't think before they speak, and their words have such an impact on us.

    I remember so well, seeing elderly couples out walking in the street and feeling an injustice that we were never meant to do that. It hurt, but I have noticed that the feeling has faded without me even noticing.

    I admit, I still hate weekends. I now go to Slimming World on a Saturday morning and help out in the group, which helps my Saturday and I have made some great friends. Sundays ... a day to get through. I find it hard because some of my friends, naturally, spend Sunday with their family. I try to use the day doing something I want to do.

    I am pleased that one of your neighbours took the time to talk and listen to you.

    Jess is so lucky to have you as her Mum, and I'm sure she appreciates the tender loving care you give her.

    Life will get better, don't try to run at it. Take each day as it comes, tears are a part of our days in the early stages and there is nothing wrong with that. Focus on each day, think about what you want to do and go do it.

    Sending hugs Jan xx
     
  2. stanleypj

    stanleypj Registered User

    Dec 8, 2011
    10,664
    North West
    So sorry to hear how you're feeling Bemused. Hope you and Jess feel at least a little bit better in the coming week.
     
  3. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    6,962
    Brixham Devon
    I'm sorry that you are feeling so low bemused. I think weekends appear to be worse because we see more couples out together-it emphasises that we are on our own. I don't know about you and Ron but Pete and I always used to make weekends special when he was well.So now I think that all of the couples I see at the weekend are doing special things. Things that exclude me!!!! Things that only couples can do!!! When we no longer have caring responsibilities we have more time to ruminate; time appears to go slower as we are no longer on the go 24/7.

    You may not think so at this time but you will get into a routine. The loss of Ron will always stay with you but in time it will become less acute. You will have waves of sadness that will knock you back but you will develop coping mechanisms to get you through each day. I hope that happens soon for you but it's very early days at the moment.

    Poor Jess-I hope the two of you have a better day tomorrow.

    Love,

    Lyn T XX
     
  4. bemused1

    bemused1 Registered User

    Mar 4, 2012
    3,402
    #224 bemused1, Jul 9, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2016
    Thanks for the ice cream lady a. It helps tremendously doesnt it to know that others have been this way before and there is a way out the other side.
    Thank you stanley, we hope so too.

    Also thank you lyn. Its hard to see it will ever improve right now but reassuring to have so many people telling me it will. Xx
     
  5. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    12,523
    Female
    England
    I can really offer no more than what has already been said, time will give you coping strategies but there will be days when it all seems to much. Weekends are not too bad for me, Saturdays see visits from our children and their offsprings and Sunday I walk with a friend and have coffee in town followed by a mooch around the shops.

    Afternoons are bad for me, I really miss my visits to the nursing home, seeing the men and carers. This was my life for nearly four years, they were part of our family.

    I do find that each week that passes I can see a small improvement in the way I feel. Little steps but non the less steps.

    Sudden changes in our lives are difficult to deal with and dementia care must be one of the most difficult to get over. Take your time, no prizes given for speed. We ought to have a weekly thread where we say how we are feeling this week. It would be good look back on and hopefully see how we emerge back into the light.

    Take care bemused and be kind to yourself.
     
  6. bemused1

    bemused1 Registered User

    Mar 4, 2012
    3,402
    That's a really good idea jay. How about we start one called widows weekly check in.
     
  7. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    12,523
    Female
    England
    Sounds good.
     
  8. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,984
    Suffolk
    May I join? Think it sounds a good idea.
    It's nearly a year for me and I'm not too bad. I would have got my life back if my health was up to the mark! But it's not, so I have to cope with that. I feel I should be picking some blackcurrants, but that is a major issue, getting down the bottom of the garden. Will try tomorrow! Virtual blackcurrants, anyone?
     
  9. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    12,523
    Female
    England
    As many as you can throw my way Spamar, blackberries, raspberries, blueberries, I Love them all.

    We will have to decide which part of the week we want to report in.
     
  10. bemused1

    bemused1 Registered User

    Mar 4, 2012
    3,402
    How about Saturday as the end of the week?
     
  11. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    12,523
    Female
    England
    So will we start next Saturday as we have spoken today of our week. I will be on holiday next week and staying in The same hotel as I did last year and the wifi was not good.

    It will be good to look back and see how we are moving on.
     
  12. bemused1

    bemused1 Registered User

    Mar 4, 2012
    3,402
    Ok then next day it will be.
     
  13. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    12,523
    Female
    England
    Right, be with you next week, hopefully sometime during the day the gods will be good to me and I will get on TP.
     
  14. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,529
    Ireland
    Me too!! It's been nearly a year since William died now too, and now mum's just had a week in hospital, which has stirred up everything. I really had wanted to have a quiet, gentle, reflective few weeks with the anniversary coming up. Instead, I've hardly had time to eat or wash recently! Not good! Hoping things will settle a bit now. :(
     
  15. bemused1

    bemused1 Registered User

    Mar 4, 2012
    3,402
    Hopefully a lull now lady a to allow you to catch your breath.see you on sat then.
    I think this will be good for us but also for others who will have to tread the same path. Its helping me already to have the advice of others who have gone a little ahead of me.
     
  16. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    What a great idea. :) So instead of having a First Wives Club (was there a film called that?), we can have a Weekly Widows Club. :) Bemused, it is so hard to give any answers, but as you will have gathered from my posts, I desperately try to Fill My Hours.

    I cannot bear the silence at home, so I talk to John as if he was sitting next to me. I carry on going to Weight Watchers on a Saturday, because it's something to do. I belong to the Community Choir on a Sunday, again, because it's something to do. When they ask for volunteers to sing at Day Centres, Supermarkets, Town Centres - whatever, my hand goes up.

    I am fed up listening to insensitive people telling me that "we're going for a few days away next week, we need a break, and we've booked several holidays", and I too find it damned hard to watch couples, who have never known the torture of having that unwanted curse of AD.

    I know I am jealous, and I've never been a jealous person, but sometimes it is unbearable, watching and listening, whilst silently sobbing inside. You are at a very early stage, and some days are going to be ok-ish, and others are going to be awful. It's a bit like snakes and ladders.

    And if all you can manage one day is to get up and have a wash - that's something.
     
  17. bemused1

    bemused1 Registered User

    Mar 4, 2012
    3,402
    Thank you Scarlett you always manage to put things in perspective. I can't bear the silence either. The trouble with filling the hours is that you still have to come home to the silence.
    Yes it is early days and this morning I woke up with Ron in his hospital bed imprinted on my mind and got up to check if he was ok as I always did. That's a bit of a body blow.
     
  18. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,529
    Ireland
    I'm just weird, me. I actually like the silence of the house! It's always been a quiet house, as William used to shut himself into his "office " all day, or disappeared to the garden. I suspect now that he was withdrawing in case anyone spotted the signs of dementia, which he was obviously trying to hide for years.
     
  19. rajahh

    rajahh Registered User

    Aug 29, 2008
    2,794
    Hertfordshire
    I have struggled with the word "widow" I just do not want to acknowledge that this is who I have become.

    Bemused you will get sick f people saying "early days" but it is so true.

    You have just had your first distressing experience when you got up to check for Ron. There may be more, but they will stop too, the raw pain , the bleakness , all fade but when you have given your all to someone you love, the missing will always be there
     
  20. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    12,523
    Female
    England
    I have lived alone for 4 years since my husband went into his nursing home. I have long passed the looking for, listening for time so being on my own has ceased to be an upsetting time and I too enjoy the peace and quiet at home. But maybe I am weird too because like my Father I have never minded being on my own, I would never want to be lonely but alone, is fine.

    We are all so different and dealing with the same devastating feelings, some of us on the express train, some on the slow train and some of us on the train stopping at every station, but we will get there.
     
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