Next stage

[bemused1]

It's not the quiet it's the lack of a living breathing life and I didn't have the getting used to it spell of a care home. We just went straight from one to the other. That I think is why it gets to me.
I also don't like widow Jeanette. It always makes me think of Victorian ladies in black shut up in their houses. Not moving off to Nairn because they know that's where they want to be.
We are a group of people who have survived dementia and come out the other side. Had to make another life ( early days yet) We are not some slightly pathetic person we are the strongest of the strong. I need to keep telling myself that.

 

[jan.s]

I totally agree about the word widow, conjuring up an elderly lady dressed in black!

We could be the Dowagers, and make it the Dowagers' Digest

Maybe not, back to the drawing board.

 

[bemused1]

I totally agree about the word widow, conjuring up an elderly lady dressed in black!

We could be the Dowagers, and make it the Dowagers' Digest

Maybe not, back to the drawing board.

I like that jan. Well have to see who gets there first and adopt their title.

 

[jaymor]

This is what I think makes it a little easier for me. I have had the time to get over the emptiness of the house, it is now visiting the nursing home that I am struggling with. It was my second home for four years, a place to be with my husband. We left the home the same time but not to be together ever again. I have been back to thank them for all their care and help and to show them our appreciation but I still miss my daily visits, the carers and other residents.

 

[bemused1]

I miss the carers as well jay. For much of the time they were the only people i saw from one day to the next to talk to apart from ron. A lot of the time they kept me going and i do miss the normality of being laughed at and with. But then again there were times i could have thrown some of them out. I guess im never satisfied.

 

[jan.s]

Roger was in the care home for 3 years, so I too have got used to living alone (me and dog )

I missed my daily visits at first, but am fortunate that I have kept in touch with a group of relatives, some of whom still have family there, so I keep up with the news. Also most of the care staff have now left due to a change of ownership, but I do keep in touch with some of them. In fact, I'm going to one of the carer's wedding next month!

I admit, I didn't go back to the care home, something I just couldn't cope with. I did send my thanks in a card and the nurses came to the funeral.

Dowager Jan (hmm has a certain ring to it )

 

[jaymor]

I quite like 'ex lover' but the children would probably raise an eyebrow or two.

No when I think about it they would probably fall about laughing at me.

 

[bemused1]

No i cant see ladies in black being ex lovers somehow jay. Far too prim and proper.

 

[jan.s]

No i cant see ladies in black being ex lovers somehow jay. Far too prim and proper.

What me prim and proper, I don't think so!!

We could be ladies who are free to flirt. (not that I particularly want to)

 

[LadyA]

Oi! I'm not old enough to be a Dowager!

 

[Scarlett123]

OK, so not "widows" then. How about instead of "tales from the river bed", we could have "Tales from the empty bed" - no I'm sorry I'm jesting. Er, um "Welcome to the Weekend Club", or "It's good news week - or not", or "The University of the New Age", or "What A Week!". xxx

 

[jan.s]

Changed post

 

[bemused1]

So today solicitor re will. Hope that all goes smoothly. Stepdaughter has seen the will. I suggested she withdrew as executor because she has more than enough on her plate at the moment. Now I am wondering if I did the right thing. Who knows? Try hard not to step on peoples toes but its tricky.
Also to pick up the donations from the funeral for Dementia Uk. Not sure how much but I wouldn't have been surprised if there had been nothing. People are so generally unaware of dementia and how poor support is.

 

[jugglingmum]

People are so generally unaware of dementia and how poor support is.

This statement is so true. Given that many of us are likely to succumb to it given the improvements in cancer and other treatments it is a National Disgrace.

RE executor - only one person needs to be actively dealing with it, so other named executors could remain and take on a passive role if you think this would be a better route but be available to consult. Or maybe make clear to step dau that you will consult her and keep her in the loop. It is so difficult given her present circumstances. Solicitor may advise, and you can ask him (at a cost of course) to deal with all the paper work for you if you want anyway.

 

[bemused1]

Thanks for that jmum. That might be better if she were passive but consulted. Useful info there.

 

[jan.s]

Hi there,

Roger had my nephews as executors as well as me, but as I was the sole beneficiary, they passed it back to me to handle, but I knew they were there, if I needed them.

I didn't use a solicitor as it was all to come to me, and I had ensured Roger's finances were very simple.

I phoned Land Registry who were extremely helpful and told me what to do and the house was transferred very quickly, because of the way it was registered all they needed was a copy of the death certificate. A solicitor would have charged me a percentage of the house value for an extremely simple job

Other aspects I just dealt with one at a time, including applying for probate.

I hope this helps a little BM and that you get on all today with the solicitor.

 

[bemused1]

Solicitor handling it and stepdaughter doesnt have to do anything.
I have absolutely no brain power at the moment jan so the solicitor is dealing with everything.
Finances are a bit of a shambles because like everything else they got shelved for the last few years.
Why is it all so unnecessarily complicated? Straightforward him to me what is all the nonsense about? Xxxxxx

 

[bemused1]

I just feel a need to say something here. I realise it was unusual to be able to keep Ron at home until the end of his life.
I have read many comments here about grieving when loved ones have to be placed in alternative homes. I have the utmost respect for people who made that decision and were not granted the privilege I was.
But the grieving is no less because you have the loved one in their own home. I grieved every day for the Ron I used to share my life with. There was no getting away from it for one single minute. I also suffered the same guilt, was it the best thing for him, might he have had a better quality of life elsewhere? Did I do the right thing.
Grieving and guilt are the same wherever your loved one is. If you think it would have made things any better to have been able to keep your loved one at home, believe me it wouldn't.

Every single one of us did the very best we could. We are all touched by dementia in our lives and we all know we will never be the same again. What ifs are a part of all our lives and somehow we have to move past them and make a life without ever losing our loved ones. Whether I will ever believe I did the right thing remains to be seen but I have to believe it otherwise dementia will take two lives. One is more than enough.

 

[jan.s]

Oh Bemused, I have the greatest respect for you being able to keep Ron at home, and I'm sure that the grief is the same wherever they live. I can only speak from my personal angle, and regrettably I was unable to keep Roger with me.

I certainly don't think that your grief is any different to my own. In some ways, I have had time to get used to living without him, although I grieve for the fact he couldn't live at home, just as you grieved for losing the Ron you knew.

As you say, we all did the best we could for our loved ones, and made choices that we felt were right.

J x

 

[stanleypj]

I just feel a need to say something here. I realise it was unusual to be able to keep Ron at home until the end of his life.
I have read many comments here about grieving when loved ones have to be placed in alternative homes. I have the utmost respect for people who made that decision and were not granted the privilege I was.
But the grieving is no less because you have the loved one in their own home. I grieved every day for the Ron I used to share my life with. There was no getting away from it for one single minute. I also suffered the same guilt, was it the best thing for him, might he have had a better quality of life elsewhere? Did I do the right thing.
Grieving and guilt are the same wherever your loved one is. If you think it would have made things any better to have been able to keep your loved one at home, believe me it wouldn't.

Every single one of us did the very best we could. We are all touched by dementia in our lives and we all know we will never be the same again. What ifs are a part of all our lives and somehow we have to move past them and make a life without ever losing our loved ones. Whether I will ever believe I did the right thing remains to be seen but I have to believe it otherwise dementia will take two lives. One is more than enough.

Thank you so much for this Bemused. You have expressed all this very clearly. There's no one right solution and, it seems, whatever we do, in the big things or the small, guilt is always ready to jump in. I agree that we have to work at the idea that we are doing/have done is the right thing otherwise the guilt takes over and, as you suggest, dementia wins.