Newbie

[MissM]

Well my mum was diagnosed yesterday with dementia, my dad can't remember the form of dementia tho as he had a house visit which none of us knew about . Anyways my dad up till know has buried his head in the sand about all this and just got on with it not telling me or my brother how bad it's really getting, until last night when he broke down.
We are there for support because we know he needs it just as much if not more than my mam... My mam is aggressive towards him, doesn't recognise him as her Gerald just a Gerald someone who wants to take her away.
We try to persuade him to have me time he agrees then when we leave an hour later it's a phone call to say he can cope and she doesn't want him to go out so all arrangements then are called off.
Its so frustrating because you can see that when she looks at him it's with a look of hatred now and distrust that 52 years of marriage is wiped away by this illness and its so hard for him to accept this.
Well have to leave it there as can't see now for the tears, thanks for the chance to have a rant and my thoughts are out there for all that are living or caring for someone with this type of illness

 

[Sue J]

Well my mum was diagnosed yesterday with dementia, my dad can't remember the form of dementia tho as he had a house visit which none of us knew about . Anyways my dad up till know has buried his head in the sand about all this and just got on with it not telling me or my brother how bad it's really getting, until last night when he broke down.
We are there for support because we know he needs it just as much if not more than my mam... My mam is aggressive towards him, doesn't recognise him as her Gerald just a Gerald someone who wants to take her away.
We try to persuade him to have me time he agrees then when we leave an hour later it's a phone call to say he can cope and she doesn't want him to go out so all arrangements then are called off.
Its so frustrating because you can see that when she looks at him it's with a look of hatred now and distrust that 52 years of marriage is wiped away by this illness and its so hard for him to accept this.
Well have to leave it there as can't see now for the tears, thanks for the chance to have a rant and my thoughts are out there for all that are living or caring for someone with this type of illness

Hi MissM

Welcome to TP. Sorry to read about your Mum and how difficult it is for you and your Dad. Keep posting here you will get lots of support.
Best wishes
Sue

 

[Terri257]

I am so sorry to hear about your parents. Whatever your mum's behaviour she can't help it and inside she must be frightened and frustrated. Your father will want to cope but clearly needs help. Perhaps you can speak to social services to get him some help. Carers often suffer from guilt and depression. Despite all your efforts it appears you aren't helping but the help is essential. I don't know how long the violent behaviour stage lasts perhaps someone else can advise on that.

Perhaps you can take over some of the more practical things to help. Your mum will be eligible for council tax exemption for her and possibly higher rate attendance allowance. This money makes a great deal of difference in being able to get some help in. Your Dad might be more inclined to go out if a trained professional was there to look after mum.

You can speak to the Alzheimer's society who give seminars and advice for carers. You could go with your dad. There are also social afternoons for dementia sufferers and their carers. Maybe your mums behaviour would be different in this setting and she may settle down. I think your Dad would definitely benefit from knowing that his feelings are normal and to have people to talk to. When your mum's behaviour changes again you may be able to work out as a family what upsets her, what can calm her down and what scares her.

Getting a grip on practical things can be distracting, very useful and knowing you have done as much as you can for your loved ones will help you when guilt feelings start creeping in. You have two people to look after. Your Dad's generation may well believe this is something he should be able to cope with. It's not a sign of weakness not to be able to deal with a dementia sufferer 24 hours a day. Is he getting enough sleep? This is a lot for an elderly person to deal with.

Increase your visits and phone calls if you can. Does you mum recognise you because phone calls to her might help. You may get asked the same question 10 times over and all the conversations may seem the same but I actually look forward to my calls because I know my mum likes them. What I recently found out is sometimes she remembers talking to me and mistakenly thinks I was there. She then wonders where I am or if I have gone out and gets confused. So now I phone her a couple of times a day. Adaptation is the key and not contradicting the individual. You say that your mum knows your Dad is Gerald just not her Gerald. Could it be that her reality is of her Gerald in a different era when they got married perhaps and she doesn't recognise this old man she is now living with. Very common for dementia sufferers to revert in time and maybe one day she will think of him as her dad or you as her mum.

You could try a memory book for her with some pictures of her parents wedding family etc. Memorable moments in her life perhaps. It might help it might not. Soothing bubble baths, manicures anything is worth trying to try to give some pleasure and calm to your mum. It's very much trial and error but contradicting what she believes and is her reality is very likely to make her feel threatened and scared. Distraction usually helps and sometimes it is easier than other times.

Try to find a practical solution to whatever becomes the worrying behavioural change because you can't stop or control what is happening to your mum. You can only try to keep her safe and as calm as you can and hopefully that will lift some of the pressure off your dad.

Our thoughts are with you and there is always someone here with good advice and kind words when you need them.

 

[MissM]

We tried the old photos, the doctor recommended that when we started the process but it did not make any difference, my dad is getting sleep now because they have put her on tablets to help her sleep as she was only sleeping for 2 hours.
We are lucky enough that she will get in the car with him so when she is having one of her moments he will fetch her down to our house or to my brothers this calms her down for a while then. Most of theses episodes tend to happen from the start of the evening when she is getting tired but she fights having a nap and this then kickstarts what is going to be a long night.
She loves our dogs so this is our distraction method at the moment. We try and visit as often as possible but I unfortunately work shifts and its so awkward to be there when really needed and the guilt this makes me feel is so bad, my brother is at the moment lucky enough to be in work in the days and home at night so he is doing the evening stints as and when needed.
We just need now to make him realise that he needs the help available to him and not be to proud to accept it.