Mum vascular dementia, advice needed regarding her partner

[zc74]

Hi,
My Mum is 67 and has vascular dementia, diagnosed 2 years ago. She loves a 3 hour drive away from me unfortunately so I only get to see her every 6-8 weeks or so as I work full time and have a young family myself. My Mum lives with her partner of 30 years, however he is 12 years younger and works full time. Recently he has been communicating to me that he feels she is getting worse, her short term memory is non existent and she is doing things such as walking to town 2-3 times a day but just buying the same things and then putting cat food down for their cat but all the time! He's finding bowls of mouldy cat food in cupboards! He says she isn't really washing on a daily basis either and he is finding it too much to support her. He has said that he loves her but cannot stay with her until the end as he "wants to enjoy my life"!! I am so devastated that he feels he can't support her, my poor Mum has no idea.
Anyway the biggest issue is he is refusing to get any support or help for Mum or himself from the local dementia support groups, my Mum won't go on her own and he won't go with her. I've offered to call local support networks but he told me he doesn't want to be bothered by any charity workers. He said I need to be ready to "catch the ball' when he decides he's had enough.
I obviously want my Mum to be cared for and not a burden so really I just want her nearer to me but she has no awareness of her dementia and obviously won't want to move! I can't seem to get any advice on what to do. Who should I contact, her GP won't talk to me. I do have LPA and MPA set up with and her partner is also a named legal/medical power of attorney. I just don't know what to do for the best! Should she move to a new home sooner and they split up now, or does she need a care home once he's ready to dump her(I don't think so yet?) or is there a half way solution!? I'm sorry if I'm rambling but I have found dealing with him worse than my actual Mum!

 

[Kevinl]

Just never think you're alone, I really don't know what to say, so much to take in and think about. Please keep posting or rambling however you want to call it, we're all here to listen.
Whether or not you're UK based the helpline is available 24/7 if you need to talk. K

 

[Collywobbles]

Good lord - he’s a piece of work! I can understand being overwhelmed at the idea, but to be actively planning to bail once the going gets tough… just wow.

While your Mum’s GP can’t speak to you, you can provide them with information. You can explain all of your concerns as you have above, and point out that your mother’s de facto carer has expressed that he is unable and unwilling to provide that in the long term. They may be able to proactively invite your Mum in for a ‘routine checkup’ without mentioning dementia. If not, then at least they have that information in their files when they next see her.

Point out that you have a health LPA for your mother, and that they can also contact you if they feel it appropriate.

You can continue to write or email as the situation progresses, but maybe not expect anything in return. My Mum’s GP eventually agreed to waive her right to confidentiality and speak to me, once they deemed her no longer able to make decisions in her own best interests.

 

[victoriab70]

Hi,
My Mum is 67 and has vascular dementia, diagnosed 2 years ago. She loves a 3 hour drive away from me unfortunately so I only get to see her every 6-8 weeks or so as I work full time and have a young family myself. My Mum lives with her partner of 30 years, however he is 12 years younger and works full time. Recently he has been communicating to me that he feels she is getting worse, her short term memory is non existent and she is doing things such as walking to town 2-3 times a day but just buying the same things and then putting cat food down for their cat but all the time! He's finding bowls of mouldy cat food in cupboards! He says she isn't really washing on a daily basis either and he is finding it too much to support her. He has said that he loves her but cannot stay with her until the end as he "wants to enjoy my life"!! I am so devastated that he feels he can't support her, my poor Mum has no idea.
Anyway the biggest issue is he is refusing to get any support or help for Mum or himself from the local dementia support groups, my Mum won't go on her own and he won't go with her. I've offered to call local support networks but he told me he doesn't want to be bothered by any charity workers. He said I need to be ready to "catch the ball' when he decides he's had enough.
I obviously want my Mum to be cared for and not a burden so really I just want her nearer to me but she has no awareness of her dementia and obviously won't want to move! I can't seem to get any advice on what to do. Who should I contact, her GP won't talk to me. I do have LPA and MPA set up with and her partner is also a named legal/medical power of attorney. I just don't know what to do for the best! Should she move to a new home sooner and they split up now, or does she need a care home once he's ready to dump her(I don't think so yet?) or is there a half way solution!? I'm sorry if I'm rambling but I have found dealing with him worse than my actual Mum!

Feel free to ramble and get things out, it helps. This is blunt but if truly loved her he’d stay. My mum has vascular dementia and my dad is her carer and I’m sure he has thought about not staying but he’s still there everyday despite her now not knowing he’s her husband of nearly 55 years. What jumped out in your post is that he is all about himself and it doesn’t read like he has any intentions of putting her needs ahead of his own. Her having support is not about him in anyway, has she had a care needs assessment by the county council? If not you can start the ball rolling with that, it can be done online and they are required to undertake the assessment and provide a report on what care needs she has and depending on what they are and finances, also arrange care and pay for it. Be warned though if she has capital/savings it may affect the financial side of things. In most areas they will allocate a social worker who will support her. Your power of attorney and the GP, speak to your mum she needs to give the surgery permission to discuss her health with you. Would she do that? Can you or her partner make decisions in isolation or do you both have to agree what is best for your mum? Have you discussed what she wants both medically and financially? If not, do that whilst she can still communicate her wants and needs to you. Are her finances tied in with her partners? If yes, that will all need to be sorted out if he isn’t staying around. This all seems like a lot and it is but take one action at a time and deal with it, rather than trying and do loads and then end up feeling like you’ve not achieved anything. If I were you, I’d discuss your LPA/MPA with your mum and her partner and write down what she wants medically and financially, doing this face to face will be difficult but is necessary. Financially as you need to know the position for funding purposes and medically so you know exactly what she wants so you can support her wishes. The care needs assessment isn’t charity so hopefully her partner won’t object to that. I requested it for my mum but they arranged it with my dad (even though I asked them to communicate through me), if you can be there for the assessment you’d find it helpful. You could perhaps combine a visit and do the LPA discussion after the care needs assessment. Do those things first and reassess when completed. You need support too, so don’t forget yourself in all this, take time to relax, sleep, do things you enjoy and be with people you love. Don’t be hard on yourself or feel guilty you don’t live nearer. Reach out if you need to and don’t forget that it might feel like you’re alone but there are thousands of people out there willing to listen and advise when asked, you just have to put it out there. V

 

[SherwoodSue]

I was wondering if LPA is one where the holders of the LPA are supposed to work in tandem or can function as lone individuals?

If it is set up as joint I would get him to formalise what he is saying to you and remove himself as LPA otherwise you will be tied to him and his signature once he bails out.

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @zc74 and welcome to Dementia Support Forum.
I have some sympathy for your mother's partner, caring for someone in the more advanced stages of dementia is far from easy and if he is working as well it'll be even more difficult. Not everyone is cut out to be a carer so it is good that he has flagged this up before there is a crisis, even if it does seem rather hard-hearted.
I agree with @SherwoodSue about talking to him about if he still wants to be on the LPA as it might be easier down the line if it is just you dealing with things.
I also think contacting her GP and local social services is the way to go in the first instance, but I am wondering if you need to consider a move to a care home near you. Your mum might not be quite at the stage of needing one yet but it might be a good idea to go and have a look at a few local ones to get your eye in. You could also have your mum come and stay with you for a weekend if you have room just so you can see for yourself what she is like. Giving her partner a break might also help him think he can carry on for a bit longer.

 

[zc74]

Thank you so much for your replies so helpful regarding the social care assessment and the LPA. It is one where we can make decisions all e so yes I think I am going to have to discuss this with him and write his wishes formally. They are tied legally with the house, but have no mortgage and a will has been written dividing the house equally to his family and me for my Mum's half. They also own an apartment in Spain where he is hoping to ****** off to once he's had enough of my Mum. That goes to whichever of them outlives the other one (ha obviously he's lucked in there of course!). I am going to see my Mum on Friday and will try to talk to her but previously she has just shut me down. I totally agree that he obviously doesn't love her if he's willing to abandon her when she needs him the most 😞

 

[zc74]

Hi @zc74 and welcome to Dementia Support Forum.
I have some sympathy for your mother's partner, caring for someone in the more advanced stages of dementia is far from easy and if he is working as well it'll be even more difficult. Not everyone is cut out to be a carer so it is good that he has flagged this up before there is a crisis, even if it does seem rather hard-hearted.
I agree with @SherwoodSue about talking to him about if he still wants to be on the LPA as it might be easier down the line if it is just you dealing with things.
I also think contacting her GP and local social services is the way to go in the first instance, but I am wondering if you need to consider a move to a care home near you. Your mum might not be quite at the stage of needing one yet but it might be a good idea to go and have a look at a few local ones to get your eye in. You could also have your mum come and stay with you for a weekend if you have room just so you can see for yourself what she is like. Giving her partner a break might also help him think he can carry on for a bit longer.

Thank you, yes I have thought about looking at local care homes to me and there is one very near that specialises in dementia care so I think I will contact them. I just want her here but I know she's not quite at that point yet. I have tried to get her to visit but she isn't really keen anymore, which is such a shame as she always used to love coming to see us and her grandchildren. I do sympathise with her partner but cannot forgive him for abandoning her. I know he hasn't ended it yet but he is planning to. He even got a mortgage offer last year without telling her so he could look at buying her out of the house!

Good lord - he’s a piece of work! I can understand being overwhelmed at the idea, but to be actively planning to bail once the going gets tough… just wow.

While your Mum’s GP can’t speak to you, you can provide them with information. You can explain all of your concerns as you have above, and point out that your mother’s de facto carer has expressed that he is unable and unwilling to provide that in the long term. They may be able to proactively invite your Mum in for a ‘routine checkup’ without mentioning dementia. If not, then at least they have that information in their files when they next see her.

Point out that you have a health LPA for your mother, and that they can also contact you if they feel it appropriate.

You can continue to write or email as the situation progresses, but maybe not expect anything in return. My Mum’s GP eventually agreed to waive her right to confidentiality and speak to me, once they deemed her no longer able to make decisions in her own best interests.

Thank you so much for your reply. I think I will try to get in touch with her GP and tell them my concerns about her partner. I had really hoped that for my Mum's sake he would engage with local help and support and we could keep her in her home where she feels safe for as long as possible (they have loved there over 20 years). I just feel very overwhelmed, especially with dealing with my own job, children etc 😞

 

[cobden 28]

Thank you so much for your replies so helpful regarding the social care assessment and the LPA. It is one where we can make decisions all e so yes I think I am going to have to discuss this with him and write his wishes formally. They are tied legally with the house, but have no mortgage and a will has been written dividing the house equally to his family and me for my Mum's half. They also own an apartment in Spain where he is hoping to ****** off to once he's had enough of my Mum. That goes to whichever of them outlives the other one (ha obviously he's lucked in there of course!). I am going to see my Mum on Friday and will try to talk to her but previously she has just shut me down. I totally agree that he obviously doesn't love her if he's willing to abandon her when she needs him the most 😞

Could the house be sold and the sale proceeds split 50/50 and after Partner has scarpered off to live in Spain, your Mum's half of the sale proceeds could be used to fund the costs of residential care for her?

 

[zc74]

Could the house be sold and the sale proceeds split 50/50 and after Partner has scarpered off to live in Spain, your Mum's half of the sale proceeds could be used to fund the costs of residential care for her?

Hi, yes that's definitely an option although he is wanting to stay there until he retires in a few years. I've spoken to the dementia helpline this evening and they have suggested a few things too.