Mum thinks telling the audiologist I hit her is hilarious!

[CrystalWand]

Hi all
It's a few years since I posted. I've muddled through supporting my (now 94 year old) mum and she seemed to be coping fairly well.
I haven't been able to get her to see her GP apart from routine stuff so I think it will take something serious happening to have any chance of a diagnosis. She refuses to talk to him about anything else and puts on such an act of bravado but I imagine they see that all the time.
She's gone from memory problems to struggling to process conversations, unable to follow films or any new programmes, struggling with her beloved crossword puzzles, repeatedly asking the same questions, still constantly saying she's lonely (but at least we've been able to pin that down to the fact that her mum and sisters have all passed), not understanding instructions well, her anxiety has increased and she's brought things up, accusing me of things like preferring my son to my daughter (I love them equally, this is actually something from her own issues - she recently told me she always wanted a boy so if I felt jealous sometimes when I was growing up it wasn't aimed at me, so I think she's playing that out by putting it on me).
She has a strange sense of humour and can say some pretty offensive things believing she's funny. She's shocked my children and partners by some of the things she says to me. One of her favourites is that 'you're not too big for me to put over my knee and smack' or 'I'll hit you with my stick' (when I asked her to stop saying that she said "why? there's no-one close enough to hear"). This brings things up from my childhood that I had forgotten and I struggle with it and last year it left me in such a low place I was actually put down for safeguarding whilst I was waiting for counselling (still waiting).
This week I took her to the optician. It was about the 4th visit within a few weeks and on the way out mum suddenly said to her "she hits me you know" and laughed. The optician has heard a few of her quips but said to mum "you really need to be careful saying things like that". Mum didn't hear her and to be honest I was a bit shocked at what mum had said which couldn't be further from the truth. I dropped her off home and later that evening when we spoke on the phone I mentioned it to her and asked her to please stop saying untrue things because naturally people are obliged to follow it up to which she said "well I'll come to visit you in prison"!!!!! I explained about safeguarding and that she had put the optician in a difficult position and mum just laughed and said well I was just joking about.....
I replied that if she does that again I won't be seeing her any more and to be honest I meant it. I'm hoping she realises that.
Please, any advice on how to deal with things like this? Did you speak to their GP? If they call her in and start asking mum things she will know I instigated an appointment but things are going too far now and I down't want to be accused of things just because she thinks she's hilarious. She's recently had her annual check up so there isn't really any excuse to get her an appointment. Help!

 

[Mumlikesflowers]

Wow you're some kind of emotional warrior in my book, dealing with all of that.

Clearly she needs you so it would in reality be very hard to say you've gone too far now Mum and I'm off.

She isn't going to change either, is she? She's going to carry on being controversial and bang out of order at times.

There's nothing stopping you from writing to the GP. That's not the same as them discussing your Mum with you. There's usually an older persons team at the surgery. I'm thinking that at 94, nobody is going to fall off their chair with the probability that your mother has dementia. Do you have any power of attorney documents in place? You don't say if you live with your Mum or not.

 

[Sarasa]

I think it might be a good idea to write to your mum's GP with a bullet pointed list of all the things that are concerning you at the moment and hope he/she might call her in to try and start the ball rolling on getting a diagnosis.
The trouble with dementia is that things can muddle along sort of OKish until they suddenly are not. It sounds like you might be getting to the stage where more help is going to be needed. Have you thought of stepping back a bit and getting carers in to take some of the strain off you.

 

[CrystalWand]

Wow you're some kind of emotional warrior in my book, dealing with all of that.

Clearly she needs you so it would in reality be very hard to say you've gone too far now Mum and I'm off.

She isn't going to change either, is she? She's going to carry on being controversial and bang out of order at times.

There's nothing stopping you from writing to the GP. That's not the same as them discussing your Mum with you. There's usually an older persons team at the surgery. I'm thinking that at 94, nobody is going to fall off their chair with the probability that your mother has dementia. Do you have any power of attorney documents in place? You don't say if you live with your Mum or not.

I agree, she's definitely not going to change now. I think her sense of humour is one of the things that keeps her going but it's definitely becoming inappropriate.
Mum lives in a retirement village so she's got some independence. Having said that she doesn't venture out on her own apart from walking round the grounds or going to the supermarket on their door to door bus which is more of a social thing. I take her to appointments etc. There are carers on the premise but only in case of emergency as she doesn't require their day to day care.
I have health POA

 

[CrystalWand]

I think it might be a good idea to write to your mum's GP with a bullet pointed list of all the things that are concerning you at the moment and hope he/she might call her in to try and start the ball rolling on getting a diagnosis.
The trouble with dementia is that things can muddle along sort of OKish until they suddenly are not. It sounds like you might be getting to the stage where more help is going to be needed. Have you thought of stepping back a bit and getting carers in to take some of the strain off you.

I was wondering about a letter but like your idea of doing it as bullet points. Another thing she did this week when I took her out was to almost walk into a car that was reversing into a space. When I caught her sleeve and asked her to step back and wait she ignored me and carried on, she seemed to have no sense of danger and was lucky she didn't get knocked.
She does have a lady who goes in for a couple of hours a week to help her with her housework which is handy, but she is adamant she wants no more help (unless it's me of course!). She was very ill with a UTI at the beginning of covid and when she got home SS arranged to provide additional support for 2 weeks. She told them she didn't want them there after 4 days

 

[canary]

I actually had the same problem with mum
She thought I was hitting her and told all her friends this. Fortunately for me, she was generally behaving in such a bizarre fashion that no-one took it seriously. I do wonder whether people with dementia try and pass off inappropriate things that they have said as a joke, just in the same that children sometimes do when they realise that what they have said could get them into trouble.

Mum wouldnt have carers in either. Eventually there was a crisis that landed her in hospital and after that she moved into a care home.
Im sorry I havent any better advice for you, just tons of sympathy
xx

 

[CrystalWand]

I actually had the same problem with mum
She thought I was hitting her and told all her friends this. Fortunately for me, she was generally behaving in such a bizarre fashion that no-one took it seriously. I do wonder whether people with dementia try and pass off inappropriate things that they have said as a joke, just in the same that children sometimes do when they realise that what they have said could get them into trouble.

Mum wouldnt have carers in either. Eventually there was a crisis that landed her in hospital and after that she moved into a care home.
Im sorry I havent any better advice for you, just tons of sympathy
xx

Thank you Canary,
It's difficult isn't it? You've also made me think and I realise that, although she appears jokey and insists she's coping absolutely fine she has let her 'currently real' side show to family members so I know they appreciate that she is being OTT and saying some very offensive and untrue things. I do worry about what she says to her friends. We bumped into her next door neighbour and it appears mum had been complaining I hadn't taken her out somewhere there were no public toilets (not feasible as she constantly needs the toilet but refuses to wear anything other than a tiny panty liner in spite of me trying to persuade her repeatedly). When she started again in front of me her neighbour said that the only thing mum was actually really bothered about was her nails, (she has them manicured every couple of weeks at the complex where she lives) lol!
You could be right about trying to pass things off as a joke when they realise what they've said, I think it also robs them of their ability to see the hurt and offence they can cause by their comments.

Thank you for the sympathy, you have mine too xx

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

I really hear you on the, 'I was only joking!' thing because my mother did it too.

She was in a care home by then but would accuse the staff of all sorts. And me too! She'd spend ages when I visited, telling me about her terrible daughter and the 'fact' that whenever she came, mum always got a beating. She was unbothered by this and when questioned would often admit she was only joking. On those days I was glad she didn't recognise me as her daughter!

She would also say awful stuff about the other residents too, often to their faces and came close to having punch ups. (I actually witnessed a 'pushing session' between her and another lady she claimed to hate.)

I'm not helping you much here! Mum thought she was hilarious and entertaining. I got dirty looks from staff and social workers and on one occasion a paramedic - mum told him I'd pushed her over when it fact it was one of the residents. My worry was always that people would believe the nonsense as mum was very plausible and convincing. But she was often really nasty to me (on the days she knew me) and like you, I sat her down and told her seriously that I wasn't prepared to listen to this nonsense and her insults. I pointed out I was the only visitor she had and that unless she could be pleasant, I was off and wouldn't come back! Then she'd back down with the 'only joking' thing, realising she'd got carried away and gone too far. Didn't stop her though.

If you can bring your mum back to a bit of reality with a serious talk, I'd say continue to do that. By the time mum lost the ability to understand her outbursts had consequences, she also stopped doing it so you may find this is a phase that passes as your mum deteriorates. It's just managing it all till then that's hard.

I wish you luck and admit I'm glad not to be in that situation anymore.

 

[Jessbow]

My M in Law has just come out of hospital, she doesnt have dementia, but has a way of wording things, that we have to quantify. It does caue raised eyebrows, and we really had some questions to answer at some of her statements.
Discharge co-ord was told that ''I just do as I am told'' or to the second one ''I just have to keep quiet'' ''My daughter doesnt care'' was another

What she means is, that if we decide to take her out, she'll fit in with what we suggest in terms of where to eat say. Its not ''doing as she's told'' is more fitting in with what we decide- and is happy to do so

Likwise she doesnt ''have to keep quiet'' but NOT contradict and be rude to people ( as she can be, very opinionated and says exactly what she thinks)
Vast difference between ''doesnt care'' and ''doesnt mind'' - no, her daughter doesnt mind if she stays in bed. Its not that she doesnt CARE if she stays in bed

They can drop you in deep dodo if you are not careful

 

[Knitter0987]

I actually had the same problem with mum
She thought I was hitting her and told all her friends this. Fortunately for me, she was generally behaving in such a bizarre fashion that no-one took it seriously. I do wonder whether people with dementia try and pass off inappropriate things that they have said as a joke, just in the same that children sometimes do when they realise that what they have said could get them into trouble.

Mum wouldnt have carers in either. Eventually there was a crisis that landed her in hospital and after that she moved into a care home.
Im sorry I havent any better advice for you, just tons of sympathy
xx

I just posted myself regarding this! my mum seems to think I hit her when I was young (never ever happened!!) and she says my dad hit her (but the story changes every time and makes little sense). It's very unlikely, my dad never ever has raised his hands on his family! And he takes care of her with devotion. He is unwell himself and I don't know where he gets his strength. She also started treating him very poorly. Thing is my dad might be in the first stages of vascular dementia so I wonder sometimes if there might be any truth to it, as it is known to change your personality. She also accuses her grandson, which she loves dearly, of stealing "all the keys" on the doors at home, which he did once when he was 4 and never has done again, he was playing. He is now over ten. She hides all the keys in strange places when we come over.
I am so tired and yet so glad she's still around. But on top of anxiety and depression medication I am now trying to get back into therapy as coping is very hard.

 

[amIinthewrong?]

I'm sorry she's making accusations💐💐 My mum had a stroke and accused me of stealing money from her, so the hospital staff raised a safeguarding issue, and mum had told me she spoke to the police and said,that I help with her finances and haven't stolen from her.I don't know if what she said is what actually went down,but the social worker asked me if the police had spoken to me. I said no and if they were meant to,they know where to find me as I have lived with my mum for over two decades.

She's in the care home for 4 weeks until they find out what they are going to do regarding her house because it needs a lot doing to it, the reason she said that I was stealing from her is because she thought I was going to leave her😐😐 If anything the accusation has put a wedge on our relationship as I now, feel I can't say anything to her in case it goes south, if she doesn't like the way I say something,I get another accusation thrown my way.

She has been in the care home for about two weeks and I have phoned her once, it went to voicemail which I'm okay with,as I don't know how to proceed anymore with her. It already felt like walking on eggshells before she had a stroke, now it feels like I'm stomping on eggshells with footballer boots.😯😯

 

[CrystalWand]

I really hear you on the, 'I was only joking!' thing because my mother did it too.

She was in a care home by then but would accuse the staff of all sorts. And me too! She'd spend ages when I visited, telling me about her terrible daughter and the 'fact' that whenever she came, mum always got a beating. She was unbothered by this and when questioned would often admit she was only joking. On those days I was glad she didn't recognise me as her daughter!

She would also say awful stuff about the other residents too, often to their faces and came close to having punch ups. (I actually witnessed a 'pushing session' between her and another lady she claimed to hate.)

I'm not helping you much here! Mum thought she was hilarious and entertaining. I got dirty looks from staff and social workers and on one occasion a paramedic - mum told him I'd pushed her over when it fact it was one of the residents. My worry was always that people would believe the nonsense as mum was very plausible and convincing. But she was often really nasty to me (on the days she knew me) and like you, I sat her down and told her seriously that I wasn't prepared to listen to this nonsense and her insults. I pointed out I was the only visitor she had and that unless she could be pleasant, I was off and wouldn't come back! Then she'd back down with the 'only joking' thing, realising she'd got carried away and gone too far. Didn't stop her though.

If you can bring your mum back to a bit of reality with a serious talk, I'd say continue to do that. By the time mum lost the ability to understand her outbursts had consequences, she also stopped doing it so you may find this is a phase that passes as your mum deteriorates. It's just managing it all till then that's hard.

I wish you luck and admit I'm glad not to be in that situation anymore.

Thank you @Jaded'n'faded , I think that's what has worried me most this time because she actually claimed it to someone in the medical profession - especially when the optician told her she needed to be careful who she said things like that to it really made me think. I think the 'saving grace' is the the optician had been hearing mum's quips for a few visits and realised it was just another one but even so...
Before I retired I worked in a role where I was trained in safeguarding and I know I would have had to report it to my line manager to follow up just in case so I may well hear further about it but I hope not.
It is a horrible situation to be in

 

[CrystalWand]

My M in Law has just come out of hospital, she doesnt have dementia, but has a way of wording things, that we have to quantify. It does caue raised eyebrows, and we really had some questions to answer at some of her statements.
Discharge co-ord was told that ''I just do as I am told'' or to the second one ''I just have to keep quiet'' ''My daughter doesnt care'' was another

What she means is, that if we decide to take her out, she'll fit in with what we suggest in terms of where to eat say. Its not ''doing as she's told'' is more fitting in with what we decide- and is happy to do so

Likwise she doesnt ''have to keep quiet'' but NOT contradict and be rude to people ( as she can be, very opinionated and says exactly what she thinks)
Vast difference between ''doesnt care'' and ''doesnt mind'' - no, her daughter doesnt mind if she stays in bed. Its not that she doesnt CARE if she stays in bed

They can drop you in deep dodo if you are not careful

They certainly can!

 

[Alisongs]

Hi all
It's a few years since I posted. I've muddled through supporting my (now 94 year old) mum and she seemed to be coping fairly well.
I haven't been able to get her to see her GP apart from routine stuff so I think it will take something serious happening to have any chance of a diagnosis. She refuses to talk to him about anything else and puts on such an act of bravado but I imagine they see that all the time.
She's gone from memory problems to struggling to process conversations, unable to follow films or any new programmes, struggling with her beloved crossword puzzles, repeatedly asking the same questions, still constantly saying she's lonely (but at least we've been able to pin that down to the fact that her mum and sisters have all passed), not understanding instructions well, her anxiety has increased and she's brought things up, accusing me of things like preferring my son to my daughter (I love them equally, this is actually something from her own issues - she recently told me she always wanted a boy so if I felt jealous sometimes when I was growing up it wasn't aimed at me, so I think she's playing that out by putting it on me).
She has a strange sense of humour and can say some pretty offensive things believing she's funny. She's shocked my children and partners by some of the things she says to me. One of her favourites is that 'you're not too big for me to put over my knee and smack' or 'I'll hit you with my stick' (when I asked her to stop saying that she said "why? there's no-one close enough to hear"). This brings things up from my childhood that I had forgotten and I struggle with it and last year it left me in such a low place I was actually put down for safeguarding whilst I was waiting for counselling (still waiting).
This week I took her to the optician. It was about the 4th visit within a few weeks and on the way out mum suddenly said to her "she hits me you know" and laughed. The optician has heard a few of her quips but said to mum "you really need to be careful saying things like that". Mum didn't hear her and to be honest I was a bit shocked at what mum had said which couldn't be further from the truth. I dropped her off home and later that evening when we spoke on the phone I mentioned it to her and asked her to please stop saying untrue things because naturally people are obliged to follow it up to which she said "well I'll come to visit you in prison"!!!!! I explained about safeguarding and that she had put the optician in a difficult position and mum just laughed and said well I was just joking about.....
I replied that if she does that again I won't be seeing her any more and to be honest I meant it. I'm hoping she realises that.
Please, any advice on how to deal with things like this? Did you speak to their GP? If they call her in and start asking mum things she will know I instigated an appointment but things are going too far now and I down't want to be accused of things just because she thinks she's hilarious. She's recently had her annual check up so there isn't really any excuse to get her an appointment. Help!

Report her behaviour to GP and if possible to social services. This is a safeguarding issue for you both. You need safeguarding against false accusations, and your mum in case it might have happened. It hasn't so safeguard yourself from accusations

 

[GeorgieW]

I was in a call with my boss when my mother - who had attacked me - screamed at my boss that I was abusing her! Fortunately, my boss could see my face and didn't believe her

She had had a major temper tantrum when I wouldn't drive the car and horse trailer into the drive as this was what my father did with their caravan. My Father had a motor mover on the caravan and could do some funky manoeuvres. I have a duel axel Ifor horsebox that weighs 905kg and trying to manoeuvre that on a downhill slope isn't going to happen. Her temper tantrum would have won an oscar for the scream ( I am surprised I still can hear) when I caught her hand as she went to slap me again. Funnily enough, I now get her brother (who she doesnt recognise) to mother sit, when I am heading back to the family home to do more clearance.

There are times when I am not sure she has a clue what she could unleash when she pulls these kind of stunts