Mum needs help and my hands are tied.

[lollyc]

Before long those lies - sorry, therapeutic untruths - will just trip off your tongue!

 

[Sarasa]

So glad the day got better. It might be an idea to read back over your posts when things don't seem to be moving in the direction you'd hope to see that progress is now being made.

 

[Alora]

Thank you Canary and everyone

Good News!

I had a quick chat with the duty GP tonight a paramedic -a referral has been to the mental health team (or similar) as well as safeguardimg by the GP who spoke to Mum today. It’s going to take a while but I don’t care.

I have to do my bit though which I’m more thsn pleased to do.

I’ve got to get mum eating as she’s too frail so she might accept meals being delivered one day. So im bringing a couple of ready made meals (one’s i know she likes) and leave them by the micro and If she eats them then progress. The other is getting some washing done for her so I’m pretending my machines broken and can I use hers and then shove some clothes for her.

its babysteps towards her accepting help.

i’m over the moon.

Lesson Learnt be gentle with my mum and tough with doctors.
M
xx

Oh that is good news


Excellent therapeutic untruths - you are getting the hang of this, arnt you?

Watch out for the ready meal, though. She might have forgotten how to use the microwave.

Hello Canary

thanks for the heads up over the microwave - I haven’t seen mum use it for a while.

I was reading your experience with your Mum it seems you went through a lot to get help for her and you kept your promise.

How did you get in to your Mum’s home when she refused to open the door to carers and you?

My Mum leaves her key in the front door so i/we are reliant on her either answering the phone or waiting to be let in. but there is a key safe outside with a key in. Her tv is on full volume so she can’t hear the door or phone.

The back door is permanently locked.

 

[canary]

How did you get in to your Mum’s home when she refused to open the door to carers and you?

I couldnt - that was the problem. A friend of mums had a key and sometimes mum would let her in. She and her house got into a terrible state and I was pulling my hair out with worry.

 

[Alora]

Oh dear it looks like the same thing could happen to me then.

 

[Alora]

So it was the TIA that changed things?

 

[Knitandpurl]

Your brother cannot have you removed from the lpa. His threat to go to a solicitor is just that a threat. If you haven’t sorted the wheelchair yet speak to her GP, my Mum has heart problems and the GP arranged for her to be measured at the surgery and a wheelchair was provided the right size (free) for her for sitting and me as main ‘pusher’. It arrived very quickly, I was asked whether I wanted a ‘big’ or ‘small’ wheel. I code small as I thought easier for transporting but she doesn’t walk at all now and ‘big’ are much easier to push.

 

[Alora]

Hi Knitandpurl

Thank you for that! Things have moved along a bit now in that - thanks to this forum - mum has an incapacity diagnosis which means I can’t be removed. I’m now trying to get ss and dr on board to get mum assessed.

I will try the surgery now to see if they offer that service.

I’m very new to all this but I did do a lot of research on LPAs and it seems that the Donor can have the Attorney removed if there has been a falling out but there doesn’t need to be a reason. The Donor can do what they like.


It’s all on the OPG website.


There has to be a Deed of Revocation, the Attorney has to be informed and a new one appointed. Or the Donor can have the whole LPA dismantled and appoint new ones. Of course it’s expensive but my brother runs mum‘s funds (a lot of money) and it would have been worth it for him to have got rid of me. Mum was of sound mind and was getting pretty angry with me for trying to get help for her so I had to back off.

Now mum doesn’t have capacity there can be no changes.

This is to help others as I’ve been helped.

 

[canary]

So it was the TIA that changed things?

The TIA was the crisis that brought it all to a head.
Prior to this mum told the SW that she didnt need any help at all. I tried getting in carers, but she would have none of it. She was worse than your mum, though as she had become paranoid - she thought that people were stealing from her, including me and that I was abusing her; she accused the neighbours of horrible things and wrote awful letters to them which she put through their letterboxes; she got into arguments with the neighbours over the bins; the woman across the road contacted the police because she said that mum was harassing her and mum started walking out at night dressed only in her nightwear (and on one memorable occasion only in an unfastened dressing gown) and banging on the neighbours doors. She insisted that she was washing and changing her clothes, doing laundry, shopping, cooking and housework, but one look at her and her home told you otherwise. It was a total nightmare. Mums friend found her after her TIA and called an ambulance. At the hospital they were (understandably) very concerned about her and decided that she lacked capacity. She went from the hospital to a care home and lived there for the rest of her life. When people on here talk about having to get to a crisis before you can get help, this is the sort of thing they are talking about.

None of this is likely to happen to you, however. You have managed to get the ball rolling so that she has been assessed as lacking capacity before it has got really bad and you also have POA, which I didnt. Because of your actions safeguarding has been invoked before a crisis. You are not yet out of the woods and there are still things to do, but I would be surprised if it got as bad as it did for mum and me.

 

[Alora]

ithat must have been very stressful for you and your mum Canary. i’m so sorry.

As much as I want to help mum its an added burden if my brother is fighting against me as well - on all fronts.

you did get as far as carers though which probably took a lot.

Mum has to assessed so it’s getting someone over the doorstep - not easy with me an hours drive away, mum’s tv up full volume, not answering phone to non family,….

This seems a big task to take on.

Would you do it again Canary or not?

 

[Alora]

I expect you would of course.

Thank you for sharing it - it’s good to know this is not unusual and my mum hasn’t got to the awful stage.

It would be great if my brother were more supportive - perhaps the gp or social care may be able to change his views….

As you say get the ball rolling - day at a time.

thanks Canary x

 

[canary]

I got the carers in myself and paid for them myself, but it only lasted a week before she wouldnt let them in.

When you say would I do it again Im not sure what you are referring to. If you mean would I try and sort mum out, well yes, because there wasnt anyone else - but at least my brother wasnt fighting against me. The really bad time only lasted a few months (although it seemed a lot longer at the time), but after she moved into her care home she lived for another three years. Mums paranoia went and her old personality (though not her memory!) returned. These were good times when I became mums daughter again and could take her for trips out. She became a whole lot of fun again.

 

[Alora]

yes I meant helping your mum when she was so dead set against it but of course you would.

I’m so pleased you the 3 years together as mother and daughter - I miss that.

If she’d have them - I’d pay for them for her too.

 

[canary]

I knew almost nothing about dementia when I first suddenly realised that there were a load of problems with mum and probably didnt handle things very well. Im a bit more savvy now and realise that I might have been able to get mum to accept carers if only I had known how to handle it. I tried reasoning, which is bound to fail. Other members on here have successfully managed it by telling them therapeutic untruths. When you get to that stage post about it and Im sure you will get lots of help. In the meantime, dont worry about it.

 

[Bunpoots]

Hi @Alora

You can solve the problem of the key being left on the inside of the door by changing the lock to a thumbturn lock. Unless it's a Yale lock then I'm stumped!

 

[Alora]

Thank you! Do I have to get my mum’s permission as it’s her property or can I override it as she doesn’t have capacity?

 

[Bunpoots]

I just swapped my dad's and told him it was to make it easier as he didn't have to worry about the key. He didn't object and, as he never went out without me, he didn't have to worry about locking the door from the outside with the key.

 

[canary]

Thank you! Do I have to get my mum’s permission as it’s her property or can I override it as she doesn’t have capacity?

As POA, you can just do it.
Dont tell her you are going to do it, dont give her the chance to say no, then afterward tell her what you think will mollify her. Then you will both be happy.

 

[Duggies-girl]

Yes just get t done and afterwards you can say 'the old one was unsafe/didn't work properly' You do not need her permission.

I would say it was a free gift from Age UK or something similar just to keep her safe.

 

[Alora]

Hi there

ive just spoken with my brother and he says that the diagnosis of lack of capacity is not on mum’s records and just a safeguarding referral. He says that as nothing is in writing then nothing has changed.

He says he’s fed up with the arguments over my wanting access to mum’s accounts because she doesnt want it as I’m a spendthrift apparently! He says that he’ll go to a solicitor and ask to havd me removed because I’m creating problems for Mum! He asked me to speak to mum as she is cross with me but when I rang her she had no idea what I’ I was talking about! He says he’s fed up with being in the middle but is trying to do the right thing.

There is going to be a meeting with us and a social worker in two or three weeks but the upshot is that care can’t be forced on mum by anybody If she doesn’t want it,

This was as a result of my email asking for the accounts.

i dont he‘s grasped how mentally challenged mum is.

So we Wait until sw has been.

I can’t have access to mum;s accounts because she doesn’t want it and if I play up a solicitor will be involved to remove me