Mum and me
- Thread starter Canadian Joanne
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Joanne, I understand feeding is now the only thing left for you to do for your mother but isn`t it counter productive if it gets you in such a state.
The staff at the home are so much more objective and manage when you`re not there. Why not leave it to them?
Just have a visit, even if it`s shorter, and sit holding her hand. There is no need for you to feed if it`s so difficult. It`s what the care home is for.
The staff at the home are so much more objective and manage when you`re not there. Why not leave it to them?
Just have a visit, even if it`s shorter, and sit holding her hand. There is no need for you to feed if it`s so difficult. It`s what the care home is for.
I know I can safely leave the feeding to the staff, but I must have something productive to do when I go there. I do tidy up her clothes and her bedside table, but that takes all of 15 minutes. I've been feeding my mother for close to 9 years now. It's hard to change of habit of such long standing.
I think I will come through it - I don't feel like this every time I feed her. I think I'm still adapting to the changes. They are continuing and I'm a little slow in catching up. I'll be having a break soon so I hope that will sort me out.
Joanne
What about creams and massage, hands, feet, etc. I'm sure it would relax Mum and would give you a good interaction with your Mum without the distressing side effects.
Only a suggestion. x
What about creams and massage, hands, feet, etc. I'm sure it would relax Mum and would give you a good interaction with your Mum without the distressing side effects.
Only a suggestion. x
I can understand your frustration Joanne as I can also understand your need to do the feeding.
I go every day to feed my OH his lunch. It takes an hour to feed a small puréed meal, teaspoon by teaspoon. I don't have to but I know I need to. Not sure why, maybe because having a meal together was a pleasure pre dementia and something we can sort of still do together.
Wishing you strength
xx
I go every day to feed my OH his lunch. It takes an hour to feed a small puréed meal, teaspoon by teaspoon. I don't have to but I know I need to. Not sure why, maybe because having a meal together was a pleasure pre dementia and something we can sort of still do together.
Wishing you strength
xx
One of the reasons that I want to keep feeding Mum is that I know it is such a help to the staff. I am always thanked by them when I feed Mum, every single time. These are people who have been there for years and know Mum and her little ways. I am very fond of them and appreciate them.
I stayed away today because it was so hot and I couldn't bear the thought of getting in and out of the heat. I know that sounds absurd but like a whale (in more ways than one) I have a goodly layer of blubber to keep me warm.
I stayed away today because it was so hot and I couldn't bear the thought of getting in and out of the heat. I know that sounds absurd but like a whale (in more ways than one) I have a goodly layer of blubber to keep me warm.
The last couple of visits went well. Mum made a lot of eye contact and ate well, with no coughing, although she's much slower. That's okay, as long as she continues to eat. I hope this keeps up for a while. I feel so much better when my mother makes eye contact with me.
However, my aunt has started phoning me again. She very deliberately calls me at home when I'm at work. She leaves her usual message, complaining about everything and anything. I find even listening to these messages stressful. I am grateful that they are only voicemails which I can delete.
On Sunday I had a chat with the coordinator to discuss my aunt's latest accusations. My mother has bruises on the backs of her hands and my aunt has blamed it on the staff when they use the hoist to move my mother to and from her wheelchair. My aunt says my mother's hands can get caught. She hasn't seen this happen but has decided it is the cause of the bruises.
I have noticed how my mother keeps jamming her hands between her wheelchair laptray and her lap. I think this may be the cause and have alerted the staff to keep an eye out for it.
I wish my aunt would go away. Or start acting like a normal human being. She doesn't have to be normal, she just has to act normal.
However, my aunt has started phoning me again. She very deliberately calls me at home when I'm at work. She leaves her usual message, complaining about everything and anything. I find even listening to these messages stressful. I am grateful that they are only voicemails which I can delete.
On Sunday I had a chat with the coordinator to discuss my aunt's latest accusations. My mother has bruises on the backs of her hands and my aunt has blamed it on the staff when they use the hoist to move my mother to and from her wheelchair. My aunt says my mother's hands can get caught. She hasn't seen this happen but has decided it is the cause of the bruises.
I have noticed how my mother keeps jamming her hands between her wheelchair laptray and her lap. I think this may be the cause and have alerted the staff to keep an eye out for it.
I wish my aunt would go away. Or start acting like a normal human being. She doesn't have to be normal, she just has to act normal.
I feel for you Joanne! You sound spot on about the cause of the bruises, is it possible to have a soft 'underneath bit' added to your Mum's laptray so that she is brushing against that rather than the hardness of the tray? Or raise the tray up a bit so that there's more clearance? It doesn't take much to damage an elderly persons skin and leave nasty bruises or even skin tears and they are so horrible to see (as well as to have obvs!) Hope you get it sorted and so glad you've had a good couple of visits with Mum recently.
Would one of these bean lap trays be better for your mum Joane -
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Lap-Tray-bean-bag-cushion/dp/B001RL9PUC
I have one for Bill.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Lap-Tray-bean-bag-cushion/dp/B001RL9PUC
I have one for Bill.
Thanks for the suggestions, Essie and Izzy. The laptray attaches to the wheelchair. I'll check out the manufacturer to see if I can get it replaced or modified.
William used to get horrific looking bruising on the backs of his hands. Not from being "hurt" or from anything rough. Sometimes it would happen when drying his hands with a soft towel, or even a gentle stroke on the back of his hand would occasionally be instantly followed by an enormous rush of bruising appearing! It was very alarming! Didn't seem to hurt him at all though. He would look surprised to see it, and say "uh-oh!" I know it's a fairly common condition in very elderly people. Can happen even when the greatest care is taken. Obviously more common if the person is on blood thinners, but William never was.
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LadyA, thanks for that thought. My mother is on blood thinners so I'll bear that in mind. I have advised the home about Mum's habit of jamming her hands under her lap tray and haven't seen anything since.
I was away for 10 days in September, returned for 4 days and then was away another 4 days for a wedding, so I hadn't seen Mum. We did manage to squeeze in a visit between the two trips, mainly for my benefit as I tend to get that gnawing, twitchy guilt when I've gone too long without seeing Mum. Mum, of course, is completely unaware.
Things are much the same with her. Her eating is very slow and she does have the habit of holding her fluids in her mouth. This weekend things went smoothly enough. She ate slowly but didn't choke. She coughed a bit but nothing serious.
The speech therapist had said to one of the staff that sometimes a person simply gets in the habit of coughing when eating. I think she's right. I've noticed Mum has two coughs - the actual choking one when she's goes very red in the face and the other one - just coughing but no redness. Very often I can distract her from her coughing. It's an odd thing, isn't it?
We're back in our regular schedule now. I won't be going away again till January, when my sister and I have our trip together. But my husband will be visiting Mum, so that will be okay.
I was away for 10 days in September, returned for 4 days and then was away another 4 days for a wedding, so I hadn't seen Mum. We did manage to squeeze in a visit between the two trips, mainly for my benefit as I tend to get that gnawing, twitchy guilt when I've gone too long without seeing Mum. Mum, of course, is completely unaware.
Things are much the same with her. Her eating is very slow and she does have the habit of holding her fluids in her mouth. This weekend things went smoothly enough. She ate slowly but didn't choke. She coughed a bit but nothing serious.
The speech therapist had said to one of the staff that sometimes a person simply gets in the habit of coughing when eating. I think she's right. I've noticed Mum has two coughs - the actual choking one when she's goes very red in the face and the other one - just coughing but no redness. Very often I can distract her from her coughing. It's an odd thing, isn't it?
We're back in our regular schedule now. I won't be going away again till January, when my sister and I have our trip together. But my husband will be visiting Mum, so that will be okay.
Yes, Tin, isn't it interesting about these tics, as it were? Quite some years ago my mother cleared her throat every minute or so and it drove me wild. We did have her throat swabbed a few times and there was never anything. I've known a few people to clear their throats constantly for non-medical reasons. It's definitely a nervous tic.
Things have been relatively smooth the last few weeks. Mum was eating slowly but we were managing to get through a meal in 30 - 45 minutes. I now consider 30 minutes to be rather good.
Yesterday was different. I was approached by the unit co-ordinator who said that my aunt has been getting rather tetchy again. Now my aunt is saying that the staff is deliberately keeping my mother in bed so my aunt cannot have "quality time" with my mother. There is a reason why my mother is in bed - the staff are waiting for Mum to have a bowel movement. My mother is keeping her legs crossed and can no longer be kept safely on the toilet. So they wait, keeping Mum in bed, rather than chance her falling off the toilet. It's easier to clean her up if she's had her BM in bed rather than in the chair. We had discussed this when it originally came up. The only thing I could say to the co-ordinator is that my aunt goes through cycles in her behaviour and it's obvious that she's on the ascending unpleasant cycle. I reiterated my position - I feel my aunt should be banned and that if I had the power I would do so.
However, it is only the home that has the authority to ban a visitor. I do understand why this is - there are far too many family squabbles and I can easily see how a PoA could abuse his/her power. Would that I could!
Then feeding Mum - it took well over an hour to feed her today. She wasn't making much eye contact. When she did make eye contact, she ate a bit. But it was a slow and labourious process. I have to confess that I was getting a little agitated and had to take a few deep breaths to calm down.
On the way home, I said to my husband that I have now spent 25% of my life dealing with Mum's Alzheimer. She was diagnosed when I was 46 and now I'm 61. I'm starting to feel like it will never end. I know it will, and I will be devastated by it. But for now I'm extremely tired.
I'm so tired that yesterday I went to bed at 5:30 in the afternoon 'for a nap' (I never nap unless I'm physically ill). I woke at 11:30, had a sandwich, and read for a while. I then went back to sleep around 1:00 am and didn't get out of bed until 8:30 am. I slept for about 13 hours altogether. I've done this before and it's always when I'm starting to feel overwhelmed. It's my way of coping - I supposed it could be worse - it could be drugs or alcohol or something along those lines. I also overeat but not when I'm truly exhausted. A minor mercy.
Yesterday was different. I was approached by the unit co-ordinator who said that my aunt has been getting rather tetchy again. Now my aunt is saying that the staff is deliberately keeping my mother in bed so my aunt cannot have "quality time" with my mother. There is a reason why my mother is in bed - the staff are waiting for Mum to have a bowel movement. My mother is keeping her legs crossed and can no longer be kept safely on the toilet. So they wait, keeping Mum in bed, rather than chance her falling off the toilet. It's easier to clean her up if she's had her BM in bed rather than in the chair. We had discussed this when it originally came up. The only thing I could say to the co-ordinator is that my aunt goes through cycles in her behaviour and it's obvious that she's on the ascending unpleasant cycle. I reiterated my position - I feel my aunt should be banned and that if I had the power I would do so.
However, it is only the home that has the authority to ban a visitor. I do understand why this is - there are far too many family squabbles and I can easily see how a PoA could abuse his/her power. Would that I could!
Then feeding Mum - it took well over an hour to feed her today. She wasn't making much eye contact. When she did make eye contact, she ate a bit. But it was a slow and labourious process. I have to confess that I was getting a little agitated and had to take a few deep breaths to calm down.
On the way home, I said to my husband that I have now spent 25% of my life dealing with Mum's Alzheimer. She was diagnosed when I was 46 and now I'm 61. I'm starting to feel like it will never end. I know it will, and I will be devastated by it. But for now I'm extremely tired.
I'm so tired that yesterday I went to bed at 5:30 in the afternoon 'for a nap' (I never nap unless I'm physically ill). I woke at 11:30, had a sandwich, and read for a while. I then went back to sleep around 1:00 am and didn't get out of bed until 8:30 am. I slept for about 13 hours altogether. I've done this before and it's always when I'm starting to feel overwhelmed. It's my way of coping - I supposed it could be worse - it could be drugs or alcohol or something along those lines. I also overeat but not when I'm truly exhausted. A minor mercy.
Oh dear Joanne - what a lousy illness this is and I am so sorry you are going through this bad patch.
It is such a long time and its not only your Mum suffering but her close family too. That includes your aunt but if only she could work with you all.
Take care of yourself Joanne and if you need sleep then so be it.
It is such a long time and its not only your Mum suffering but her close family too. That includes your aunt but if only she could work with you all.
Take care of yourself Joanne and if you need sleep then so be it.
Things would be different if Aunt wasn't in the picture, I presume as here it is illegal to remove Aunts existence, take care xx
