Mum and me

[LYN T]

You are probably irritated because you know that we all have to eat and drink to stay well! CJ, how do you know that others are more patient and manage a lot better? You are not with them all the time! You don't see them when they probably have their irritable moments Stop focusing on what you think are your weaknesses-concentrate on your strengths. Your determination should be admired-you got your Mum to drink-mission accomplished Yes you should give yourself some slack-you are doing a great job.

Love,

Lyn T XX

 

[sue38]

Joanne, none of us are Saints, well I know I'm certainly not. We don't always post about the bad things we do, think and say and that's probably because we're not proud of them, but we mostly try our best. And that's all any of us can do.

I think you're a do-er. You coped so well with your mum when things were traumatic at the beginning of her dementia journey because there were practical things you could do. After a plateau of so many years this quiet decline is much harder to cope with because there is nothing practical you can do, other than be patient.

If feeding her is frustrating is there another time you can visit? I used to give my dad a hand massage or facial (his skin could be very dry) when I visited. It didn't require him to respond, but he did respond .

And you can't beat retail therapy. I haven't shopped for myself for ages, but yesterday I spent 5 hours buying holiday clothes .

 

[Canadian Joanne]

I think you're a do-er. You coped so well with your mum when things were traumatic at the beginning of her dementia journey because there were practical things you could do.

Sue, that's exactly it. I need to do something tangible and practical. The reason I come at mealtimes is because I can do something useful. I feed her, I tidy up her closet and bureau, check her clothes and so on. If I were to visit at other times, I would probably rub cream on her hands, check her clothes and be out the door in 15 minutes. I can just manage to beat down the guilt monster now with my once, sometimes twice, a week visits of about 90 minutes. I couldn't deal with the guilt of staying only 15. And I know I couldn't stay longer if I weren't feeding.

I realize I do other things - I have chats with the staff when I'm there, I'm on the phone with the home for one reason or another usually once a week. I need to do what I do as much for myself as for Mum. So I'll have to stew in my own impatience until I accept the disease is progressing.

And you can't beat retail therapy. I haven't shopped for myself for ages, but yesterday I spent 5 hours buying holiday clothes

No, you can't. And I've been a good girl this afternoon by going through my closets (yes, plural) and bureaus and ruthlessly getting piles put together for a charity shop. 3 coats so far, 5 pairs of shoes, about a dozen tops, a couple of skirts & dresses and I haven't finished yet. It does make room for new clothes. Of course, I've still kept 3 pairs of slacks that I'm about 10 - 12 lbs too fat for. With any luck, I'll be able to fit back into them in a few months.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

My sister has been planning a trip for her and me and she has finalized the flights. We are going to the Galapagos islands in January. The icing on the cake? This trip is on her - I won't need much more than spending money!

Actually, I should say the trip is on her and my BIL, as she has got the flights with his points. He travels extensively for work and when I say extensively, I mean he's off to China, Finland, Germany, Japan etc. He doesn't even count the trips going to the US as they are only 4 - 5 days. He racks up a ton of points and used to use them to upgrade to first class. They've now changed the rules and he can't do that so my sister decided she would use them. She's also used the points to fly me to Montreal in August so I can attend my niece's bridal shower.

I am very much looking forward to this trip. It should be quite an adventure, as it involves 3 flights, an overnight stay and about 30 hours - each way! Our return flight gets us in at midnight and I'll be trundling off to work the next day - should be interesting!

This has cheered me up enormously.

 

[LYN T]

Oh! How wonderful-the trip of a lifetime. I imagine that is a very special place to go. All the wildlife that is unique to the Islands will be terrific to see.

Love

Lyn T XX

 

[Grannie G]

It sounds just what you need Joanne as a 'pick me up' . I hope it's as wonderful as it sounds

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Last night we were able to get to Mum's for dinner and it only took 30 minutes for her to eat. Lots of eye contact and only a couple of times she didn't open her mouth right away. So that was much easier and an enormous relief for me. I got everything in her, including the water. She was vocalizing also, which she hasn't done much of for while. So that also was reassuring. I realize she was having a good day but that makes me have a good day also.

 

[jaymor]

Lovely to hear that your Mum is a bit brighter and eating better. Makes all the difference to how you feel.

The Galapogos Islands for a holiday with your sister, wow, something really special to look forward to. What with Sylvia and her holiday in India and now your holiday, I am going to the Isle of Wight at the end of this month, I feel a bit like Cinderella

 

[Izzy]

What a lovely post about your mum Joanne. It must be really uplifting for you. Also brilliant news about your trip.

 

[2jays]

Lovely a good day for you xxx


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[Lilac Blossom]

Hello Joanne - Good idea to start your own thread - interesting to read. I find it hard to open up and mostly bottle things up which is not so good. I look after hubby (vascular dementia and a number of physical problems) at home.

Glad that you had a better visit with mum today - it fairly lifts your spirits doesn't it.

Lovely to hear of your holiday with your sister - that sounds really special! You'll have to tell us all about it when the time comes - I've heard that those islands and the wildlife are quite spectacular.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Another very successful visit with Mum - it only took her 20 minutes to eat today. That's the fastest for some time.

I discussed my frustration with Mum's slow eating with my sister. She said that it doesn't really matter if Mum eats or not at this point. In one way, she's right. But I am not in the emotional where I can go with the flow on that. I am not prepared or ready to let her go. She WILL eat, no matter how frustrated and angry I get. I will just have to work through my anger and frustration when it happens.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

This Saturday was another successful feeding, although it did take about 45 minutes. Mum made very little eye contact with me, though, which is always a little sad and irritating at the same time. I turned her head toward me but she was having none of that and turned away again. She vocalized a bit and that was it.

Afterwards, they were having a Family Appreciation Day for my mother's unit. The regular staff got dressed up, got other people to fill in on the unit and brought more food than you could shake a stick at. It was really nice to see the girls all dressed up - it's hard to recognize people out of uniform! I was chosen to cut the cake as my mother has been on the unit longer than anyone else. It was a very pleasant two hours.

I also saw a friend there whose husband on my mother's unit had died recently. It had been very sudden - I was in on the Monday and then the following Sunday. In between he had died and the funeral had been the day before I went in. I knew he was seriously ill but he was only 62 - I certainly didn't expect him to die, although he hadn't been eating well for a long time. So it was very good to see her - we hugged and wept together.

Altogether it was a very tiring day. We got home around 4:30 pm and I ended up going to bed about half an hour later! I slept till 5:00 am, got up for an hour, and then fell back into bed till 10:00 am. I had a total of around 15 hours sleep and I still felt lethargic and sloth-like. I am taking my B12 so I don't think that's it. It's probably just stress - I can escape into sleep when stressed. Not always, but usually. I guess it's better than insomnia. But naturally last night I had a lot of trouble getting to sleep - not a surprise.

 

[2jays]

That's the problem with sleep catch up I find.... Sleep for ages, awake for "necessaries" then back to sleep for a whole night and half a day..... Wake up almost drunk on sleep.... And spend 2 days trying to sleep at night

But I know it's my body and brain needing total switch off as I can't do much about it once it's started. Thankfully, I can now plan when I can "miss" 2 days.... It was awful before mum went into care.

xx


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[Canadian Joanne]

Wake up almost drunk on sleep....

That's the perfect description! Well I had to get up and go to work today so I'm hoping I'll be good and tired at a reasonable hour tonight.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

We've had an interesting turn of events. My husband was diagnosed with shingles a week ago but he had been mentioning pain for a while. Then the rash came out so he went to the doctor. He is too far along for medication to have any effect so I've simply being bathing the spot with hot salt water.

But we were supposed to have a big day last Saturday, with our granddaughter and two other babies, plus a 2 & 4 year old, with assorted adults. Although he really isn't very contagious (a person would have to come in direct contact with the ruptured water blisters and then they might develop chicken pox), we cancelled that.

Bearing this in mind, we haven't gone to visit Mum yet. I have paperwork to sign and a few other things so we hope that we can go in tomorrow. The rash is clearing up fairly well plus Rudi won't come in with me, he'll just drop me off.

I'm feeling rather detached about everything, to be honest. I was quite disappointed about Baby Day (how I referred to our party) and am feeling rather deflated. I'm also feeling rather detached about visiting Mum. I used to start getting rather twitchy after not seeing her for a week. It's been just over a week now and I'm not feeling anything. I'm not sad or depressed, I'm just .... even. It's not such a bad way to feel, I guess.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Things had been on an even keel the last couple of weeks. Mum is eating well, if quite slowly. She's been making eye contact with me and doing her talking, which consists of "da da da da da".

But this morning I received an email saying the home has another respiratory outbreak and they are asking people to avoid unnecessary visits. They mean not visiting unless the resident is in danger of dying. I usually go along with this and we do not visit.

This is I think the 5th? outbreak of this year. It has been the absolute worst ever since the home opened in 2003 (when Mum moved in) and I'm including the SARS outbreak, which was a bit of a farce in some way. The first 3 months of the year the home was essentially on lockdown the whole time. I am frustrated, although I know these things happen and we can't do anything about it.

 

[jeany123]

Oh no Joannne not again, I am sorry you won't be able to visit your mum again it must be very hard for you, I hope it clears soon and you will be able to go back to your visiting,

 

[Izzy]

Oh Joanne. What a shame. It really must be very frustrating for you. I hope things settle down as quickly as possible.

 

[Ash148]

It's very hard not to be able to visit.

I haven't seen mum now for three weeks due to work travel and while I know that she has lots of visits from other siblings and also that visits are not a good thing as they make her agitated, it still nags at me. Conscious too that my sister wants mum to move to another nursing home that is even further away, so I'm probably not going to be able to continue to do my usual once a week (mum's already 60 miles away and I travel for work four days a week)

Joanne, I hope your husband is better soon.