MIL just diagnosed - what do we need to know?

[anonymouse]

That's it really. We now know that MIL has some form of dementia and we're waiting on a brain scan to tell us what type and how far advanced it is.

Would you like to tell me what you wish you had known at this stage? We're pretty clueless really and need to get up to speed fast.

Thanks

 

[marionq]

Start with POA either at a solicitor or by down loading the forms and doing it yourself. Finance and Health and Welfare and register immediately. Make sure she can’t be scammed on the phone by blocking unknowns. And scratch out the security number on the back of her bank card.

Either go to Alzheimer’s groups with her or get her into a daycare centre so she’ll have company and get used to being with others and without you.

 

[canary]

Making sure I had POA immediately sprung to my mind too @marionq I left it too late and had to go through Court of Protection.
I also wish Id known about compassionate communication https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/
The first time mum told me that her husband was having an affair (he had died 30 years previously) I had no idea what to say

 

[Amy in the US]

Hello, @anonymouse. I wish I had known anything at all about dementia, and how important it was to have the PoA paperwork completed and her finances secured.

A good place to start for an overview about dementia and the different types is the information from the UK Alzheimer's Society.

I'd start here: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/info/20007/types_of_dementia/1/what_is_dementia

I somehow on my phone, can't find the other pages I would normally link you to, but this is a good place to start.

I read widely on Talking Point, and that is helpful for me. The Alzheimer's Society in other countries (Canada, the States, Australia, and so on) also have websites with information. I also went to the library for books to supplement online sources

I would look for a support group or carers cafe in your area. Talking Point is a lifeline for me, but my local group is also invaluable. I also attend talks, lectures, and workshops given by my local Alzheimer's Society.

I hope that gives you a place to start, and don't delay with getting the legal paperwork sorted, and most of all, take a deep breath and don't panic. You are in good company here, although I'm sorry you need to be. Best wishes to you and your family.

 

[Rosettastone57]

That's it really. We now know that MIL has some form of dementia and we're waiting on a brain scan to tell us what type and how far advanced it is.

Would you like to tell me what you wish you had known at this stage? We're pretty clueless really and need to get up to speed fast.

Thanks

As other posters have said getting lasting power of attorney is absolutely essential while you can. I'm sure other posters will be along to give you more information but from my experience over the years it is essential to get time for yourself and have strategies in place otherwise you will find yourself being drawn into the dementia life and therefore having no life of your own. You don't say what the circumstances are around your mother-in-law whether she is on her own but if she's anything like mine who has mixed dementia she will become needy and demanding

 

[Countryboy]

Hi anonymouse sorry but you failed to mention the age of MIL prior to answering on what to do next is difficult when the major factor when getting the diagnoses also for a response from the TP forum, for instance a person age between 50- or 60 possibly a different method of tests & scans ect than for a person age between 80 or 90 hence the major factor here is age

 

[anonymouse]

Sorry. MIL is 88, lives alone, but has some support from SIL, although this very limited. She has been asked to do PoA three times and has refused to do it, has said she understands it but doesn’t see the need abd then when the mental health assessor spoke to her about it she didn’t understand it at all, so perhaps the moment has passed.

She decided four years ago that she was not going out of the house again after she fell in the street and has not been out other than by ambulance since December 2015.

Is that enough information?

 

[jojo2018]

Hello,

I am in a similar situation. Just this week my MIL has been diagnosed and we are awaiting a brain scan. It's a scary and stressful time, and we hope we are making the right choices and decisions.

We work overseas 8 months of the year so we have just set up a daily carer visit (to help her take medication and check everything is ok), we are fitting a new shower and generally looking for ways to make her home safer, we are adding little coloured stickers to things around the house (like which buttons to click on appliances), and my husband has started the process of getting POA. We have also had to take away her car keys, as requested by the Dr.

This is not all going down well. At one point she threatened to kick my husband out of the house when he said he couldn't give her the car keys. The organising of carer visits was resisted strongly, but she seems ok with the first few now we have started. On the plus side she does love my coloured stickers, especially the ones which match each key to each lock!

I found the advice on communication (someone posted a link to this earlier) VERY helpful. Because I think that's the hardest part in a way.

Best of luck through this difficult time,
Jo

 

[Countryboy]

Sorry. MIL is 88, lives alone, but has some support from SIL, although this very limited. She has been asked to do PoA three times and has refused to do it, has said she understands it but doesn’t see the need abd then when the mental health assessor spoke to her about it she didn’t understand it at all, so perhaps the moment has passed.

She decided four years ago that she was not going out of the house again after she fell in the street and has not been out other than by ambulance since December 2015.

Is that enough information?

Hi thanks anonymouse for stating your MIL’s age not sure I can give much advice sorry mainly all the issues facing me at time of diagnoses at age 57 such , as employment, retirement, driving, ect wont arise for MIL plus at time of my diagnoses I was 31 years younger than MIL is now .
however I hope all goes well for you and the family during this difficult time

 

[Rosettastone57]

Sorry. MIL is 88, lives alone, but has some support from SIL, although this very limited. She has been asked to do PoA three times and has refused to do it, has said she understands it but doesn’t see the need abd then when the mental health assessor spoke to her about it she didn’t understand it at all, so perhaps the moment has passed.

She decided four years ago that she was not going out of the house again after she fell in the street and has not been out other than by ambulance since December 2015.

Is that enough information?

This sounds all too familiar to me . My mother-in-law is 92 with mixed dementia she's lived on her own for many many years but the diagnosis was only about 3 years ago. She's always suffered with mental health issues for many years anyway so we were used to dealing with her behaviour. You say your mother-in-law doesn't see the need for power of attorney unfortunately denial of a problem is all too common with this illness. As far as my mother-in-law is concerned there is nothing at all wrong with her and everything is always someone else's fault.
I can only give you how we approached the difficulties we faced and hope that you might glean some help from them.
We knew that my mother-in-law would never agree to power of attorney by simply just asking her or asking her if she understood. She had always suffered from a degree of paranoia and a lack of trust. So we used a neighbour as a certificate provider and we told the neighbour what we were going to do and slowly plan it so that the neighbour would talk to my mother-in-law about it over a period of several weeks. The neighbour agreed to co-operate and she would come in about once a week to talk to my mother-in-law with my husband and eventually just drop in the idea of power of attorney how she was doing it, how her children were doing it and that it was the normal event to do. It took several weeks to plan and in fact several weeks to execute. Eventually when the time arose to sign papers in fact happened quite easily because she then thought it was a familiar thing and everyone else was doing it and she did not want to appear different.
My mother-in-law also refuses to go outside. We organised carers for her she did have a short spell of going to a day centre but she eventually refused to go to that. We introduce the carers very gradually she is self funding so that made an awful lot of difference it was easy to organise. We started with a couple of days a week in the morning and now she has carers 7 days a week including a lunchtime visit. Of course she was rude nasty and resistant all of it but we just persisted anyway

 

[anonymouse]

Thanks Rosetta. That’s helpful. MIL will be self funding for a while at least.