Really need some advice on what we should do... things are getting a bit out of hand

[trying-to-help]

I can see what you are saying and you all have my sympathy. If they continue to refuse help it will probably only be resolved somehow when things get so out of hand that a crisis occurs. It's awful and so stressful when you know your loved ones are suffering. Remember to try to stay strong and support each other through it - caring for someone with dementia is just something else because it only ever gets worse.

Thanks @yoy I think something will give soon, I just hope it's in the direction of a positive outcome :S

 

[trying-to-help]

As far as I know it would only be her money, not his, that would go towards her care and the house would be disregarded as long as they live in it. Others here on the forum know a lot more about this than me though. Have you seen this part of the Alzheimer Society's pages?

Paying for dementia care in England

Dementia care isn't free, and you may need to pay for some of the care you or someone you know needs. We help you understand the different ways to pay for care, and the amount you might be expected to pay.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

The link is really helpful @Jay M thank you so much for that. I see at the bottom it says the council have a duty to care even if the person refuses to pay. This could come in very useful if my partners dad is still refusing to pay for care. I believe they have joint savings which meant they had to pay for it all.. I'll speak to my partner about what exactly happened with their assessment part.

 

[trying-to-help]

This is a great point. I would just add, the person in need of care has a right for their income and their share of joint assets to be used for their needs. Their partner has no right to veto this. For the husband to refuse use of the wife’s money to be used to pay for care that she needs is coercive and controlling behaviour, which is a crime in UK law. It sounds like your FIL is acting out of fear and denial rather than an established pattern of control, however it might make your partner feel more empowered to intervene to get your mum the care she has a right to. Best of luck in this tricky situation.

Thanks @LadyLouise - I think I need to clarify the position on finances properly so it's clear. I think her mom only worked once they were a bit older so her contribution to the joint savings would have been smaller and maybe that's important. The issue with control over the financial side by my partners dad is that she simply isn't able to communicate her wishes anyway (though I think this was long before she had demensia - it always seemed like an excercise in guessing how to make everyone else happy). She also really doesn't like having help in the home apparently and generally refuses help or ignores the person.

I hope she softens to receiving the care... She's otherwise a healthy individual and it seems a real shame to have such an unhappy period of her life when she could be getting help from people trained and that genuinely care for her happiness.

 

[LadyLouise]

Thanks @LadyLouise - I think I need to clarify the position on finances properly so it's clear. I think her mom only worked once they were a bit older so her contribution to the joint savings would have been smaller and maybe that's important. The issue with control over the financial side by my partners dad is that she simply isn't able to communicate her wishes anyway (though I think this was long before she had demensia - it always seemed like an excercise in guessing how to make everyone else happy). She also really doesn't like having help in the home apparently and generally refuses help or ignores the person.

I hope she softens to receiving the care... She's otherwise a healthy individual and it seems a real shame to have such an unhappy period of her life when she could be getting help from people trained and that genuinely care for her happiness.

Yes I hope she will come to accept care as it could benefit her so much. But she is unlikely to agree to it, it may be that care has to be imposed. A skilled care assistant would be able to eventually gain her trust. This is a difficult situation and if you haven’t tried already I can recommend the Alz Society helpline.