My Mom was diagnosed 4 years ago with Alzheimer’s. She’s on medication. Her husband died 2 weeks ago and because we were living in a different part of the country we didn’t realise how bad she is. Her husband had been doing everything for her and now he is gone she is totally helpless. She thinks she is going to get better. I’m spending hours a day there and the minute I get home she messages me to say ‘somebody has stolen their money’ or ‘she’s lost her keys’. She has a pill box but forgets to take the tablets. She can’t remember if she eaten. You ask her anything and she can’t remember. She is constantly frightened and scared then rallies herself when people are there, but the minute they leave she is fretting and messaging me. I’ve suggested help and she has told me to get on with my life leave her to it. But it’s worrying me sick. I can’t keep going everyday unfortunately. I don’t know what to do. There are no other family members to help.
Don’t know what to do
- Thread starter Louise1503
- Start date
Hello @Louise1503 and welcome to the forum, you will find friendly support here from people who understand. Sorry to hear about your situation, unfortunately it's quite common for a partner to 'cover up' how bad things have got and it's only when they pass away that family and friends discover how far the dementia has progressed. Your mum thinking that she is going to get better and doesn't need any help, being anxious and believing that someone has stolen money, are all quite common symptoms and it's understandable that you are so worried about her. Does anyone have Lasting Power of Attorney for your mum? I think it would be a good idea to contact your mum's local authority Adult Social Care team to let them know that her partner has passed away and was caring for her and she is now living on her own and is vulnerable and at risk. It might be helpful to contact your mum's GP as well to let them know the situation and how anxious your mum is as they may be able to help, and could also make a referral to social services to help speed things up. The link below explains how the assessment process works, and I've also included links to the Dementia Support Helpline and Admiral nurses as they will be able to offer you support and help with a way forward if you'd like to talk things through with someone. I hope this helps, but please keep posting as there is always someone here to listen.
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/legal-financial/dementia-care-needs-assessment
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/dementia-support-line
https://www.dementiauk.org/informat...agnosis-and-support/what-is-an-admiral-nurse/
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/legal-financial/dementia-care-needs-assessment
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/dementia-support-line
https://www.dementiauk.org/informat...agnosis-and-support/what-is-an-admiral-nurse/
If funds can be accessed I wondered whether she could go "on a little holiday to recuperate" (in reality, respite in a care home, but a love lie would best be employed) while you catch your breath and sort out something long term
Thank you I do have POA. I took her for an afternoon yesterday in a beautiful home for a cafe session they run and she had dinner there. She came out and said she’d rather die than go there. There are enough funds for her to be looked after but she won’t have it. She messaged me last night she has lost her purse again and believes she has no money. People say it’s early days that’s she’s had a shock with her husband dying, but she was diagnosed over 3 years ago but has shown symptoms of it for at least 5 years. I feel like I am on tender-hooks. We have not had a good relationship for many many years. She has always put herself first, allowing me and my brother to live in a verbal and physical abusive environment with my Dad who I broke off contact with 30 years ago. She only left this abusive relationship when me and my brother left home. She’s never shown and real interest in my life and what I achieved, more jealous and trying to be competitive with me. I am 50 years old, it might sound selfish but I don’t want my life to be just this. We want to move to another country, it seems that dream is now over. Because of my childhood, I am an anxious worried person anyway and I’ve worked so hard to overcome this and now I feel like that little girl again trapped in a situation I can’t get out of. She is telling me to live my life and then sending me messages knowing I will have to go round to her. I feel like a fly trapped in a spiders web. I feel a horrible person for feeling like this.
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Unfortunately, this is not uncommon. Your mum has lost empathy and also her understanding of her own condition. This is common in people with dementia and their world narrows so much that all they can see are their own wants needs and desires and have no idea how much care they need - and wouldnt care even if they realised because they are unable to see that other people have needs too.
What you are doing is unsustainable, but all the while you are there plugging the gaps she will have no reason to consider anything else. What you will have to do is sit down and decide for yourself what you can and (more importantly) what you cannot do. Draw up lines and boundaries and stick to them. You will almost certainly have to be temporarily unavailable at times and not drop everything to jump at her commands. It will be hard and your mother will try and use emotional blackmail, but if you carry on as you are you will be facing carer burnout.
Assuming that you are in UK, contact Social Services for a needs assessment and tell them that she is "a vulnerable person with dementia who is on her own and is at risk of harm". You may well have to just organise carers for her - there comes a stage when you have to stop enabling their wants and start implementing their needs.
What's your brother doing in all this?
Do you have both types of POA? Some finance POAs allow you to start acting before the person has lost capacity, in which case you can get your name on her bank accounts and pay for carers to come round. People on this forum have used various ruses to introduce carers to relatives who are resistant to having them.
It would be wise to contact your mother's surgery and inform them that your mother's husband, her primary carer, has died and she has no local support.
If everything gets too much you could renounce your POA(s) and walk away completely. You don't have a duty of care towards your mother. Before you do that I would contact everyone including your brother, the neighbours, her GP and Social Services.
Do you have both types of POA? Some finance POAs allow you to start acting before the person has lost capacity, in which case you can get your name on her bank accounts and pay for carers to come round. People on this forum have used various ruses to introduce carers to relatives who are resistant to having them.
It would be wise to contact your mother's surgery and inform them that your mother's husband, her primary carer, has died and she has no local support.
If everything gets too much you could renounce your POA(s) and walk away completely. You don't have a duty of care towards your mother. Before you do that I would contact everyone including your brother, the neighbours, her GP and Social Services.
My brother and her fell out over 5 years ago and they are ‘dead to each other’ now. He had moved away from area and I have no way in getting in touch with him.
I have both POA and am now acting on them.
Thank you x
I have both POA and am now acting on them.
Thank you x
Not all families are happy families and not all of us are cut out for caring for someone, espscially where bad feelings exist. That was certainly the case in my family.
I moved my mum into a care home after a crisis/hospital. She was undiagnosed and would never have accepted carers. I had to fight with SS to keep her there as she kept trying to escape but it was eventually decided she lacked capacity and could be kept there. (Long story!)
Before dementia my mum would never have wanted me to put my life on hold for her and her attitude was always, 'If I ever get like that, shoot me!' Unfortunately that wasn't an option or I would have done, without hesitation. Her last 3 years in the CH were a total waste of everyone's time/money. She had no quality of life and was never happy, though often angry, agitated, paranoid or plain bewildered. But she'd made a Living Will saying if she ever needed full time care and wasn't going to get better she wished to refuse any medical treatment. Knowing her wishes and feelings about quality of life over quantity made it easier for me.
Yet I visited every week for 3 years as the dutiful daughter and hated every single one. (I went twice a week for the first year!) About half way through this time she forgot who I was. I'm not sure my visits served any useful purpose. She still got worse, broke her hip, declined and died.
Don't change your plans. Get your mum into a care home where she'll be safe then move abroad if that's what you want to do. Nothing will change the course of dementia and your mum is the best she'll ever be today. From here on in it gets much worse and there's nothing you can do to change that.
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