Loved ones in a Care Home.

[tigerlady]

Dear Pam - so sorry to hear about Ed. I was so relieved when you said that the carers were able to manage his personal care and so sorry that you had to help when they were short staffed. As my husband is in a nursing home, there are more staff and it always takes 3 of them to do his personal care, even though he has been in care for about 2 and a half years. Like your Ed, he is very aggressive and he forgets immediately afterwards and even laughs and jokes with the carers when they are dressing him. They say things have slightly improved with a daily dose of lorazapam, and I am amazed how quick and efficient they are.

So sorry his legs are still swollen - you said he was off all medication but his legs must be painful - are they giving him anything for that? I think you are right not to want the hospital tests.

I am glad that the care home is doing the laundry now - but I really hope they can have more staff available for Ed when his personal care needs doing. It must be so upsetting for you. My thoughts are with you xx

 

[pamann]

Thank you everyone for your support, l do appreciate it so much, today Ed is very sleepy, after yesterday he is worn out.

 

[Geof]

A 5th November treat

When I visited Anne on Monday she was so full of excitement and told me all about firework night

I thought the CH would have battened down the hatches for the night but no - they had their own little firework display!

All the residents that wanted to watch were dressed in their coats, hats, gloves and scarves and settled in the outside sunroom. Then the staff set off the display in the garden - all the old fashioned pretty favourites - Catherine Wheels, Waterfalls, Roman Candles etc. but nothing with a bang! Afterwards they all went back inside for potatoes in their jackets and hot drinks.

Such a caring thing to do and something that the residents could relate to from their childhood.

Geof

 

[pamann]

Hello Geof, Ed'S CH does the same, but most of the residents do not like fireworks, they will not get out of their chairs to watch, the carer's children come to see the fireworks, they have hot dogs and soup afterwards.
Anne has settled well, it was the best thing you could have done, we still have them, l still visit Ed l would miss not going to the CH, we meet new friends, do you join Anne for christmas, last year l had a lovely time. Take care

 

[pamann]

Hello everyone, yesterday was the first time that l fed my beloved husband his dinner, l was told last week that he was unable to feed himself, this really did pull at my heartstrings. I arrived at the CH at 12am for our weekly Roast dinner, Ed was in a deep sleep, the staff wanted to w ake him for his dinner, l said no let him sleep. I sat with him for 3hrs until he woke up, he was very drowsy, l kissed him he smiled at me. I went to the kitchen for a reheated dinner, on my return he was asleep again, but decided to wake him as he had not eaton since 8am breakfast, l fed him his dinner, it made me feel so upset that he could no longer do this everyday task, within minutes he was asleep again, so left him and went home, luckily at 7pm l had a bowls match at my club, bowling helps to heal the pain, being with such supportive friends is a bonus.

 

[Kjn]

Pam , I feel so sad for you reading your update, I'm pleased you are finding some support from bowls at least that's giving you something ((((hugs)))) xxxx

 

[bumblefeet]

My mum is about to go into a CH, currently in rehab.

I went to visit her yesterday, in rehab, and it was so lovely. At bang on 10.55, the staff gathered all the patients and remaining staff, and stood and watched the cenotaph service.
Total respect, and a lovely thing to do.

Just thought I'd share.

 

[nannylondon]

Hello everyone, yesterday was the first time that l fed my beloved husband his dinner, l was told last week that he was unable to feed himself, this really did pull at my heartstrings. I arrived at the CH at 12am for our weekly Roast dinner, Ed was in a deep sleep, the staff wanted to w ake him for his dinner, l said no let him sleep. I sat with him for 3hrs until he woke up, he was very drowsy, l kissed him he smiled at me. I went to the kitchen for a reheated dinner, on my return he was asleep again, but decided to wake him as he had not eaton since 8am breakfast, l fed him his dinner, it made me feel so upset that he could no longer do this everyday task, within minutes he was asleep again, so left him and went home, luckily at 7pm l had a bowls match at my club, bowling helps to heal the pain, being with such supportive friends is a bonus.

Pam, totally understand how upset you feel, I am in the same situation with Chris, it's heartbreaking to watch someone you love deteriorate like this, great that you have some lovely supportive friends. Xxxx

 

[pamann]

Thank you kjn and Nanny for you kind words and support, just another phase we have to get used too.

 

[chick1962]

Oh Pam, only just popped in. So sorry to hear about your lovely Ed . Wish I could say something to make you feel better as it's so heartbreaking . Sending love and lots of hugs xxxxxx


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[pamann]

Thank you Heike, life is so hard for all of us here on TP, but life goes on and we have to make the most of it, some days are better than others.

 

[chick1962]

Thank you Heike, life is so hard for all of us here on TP, but life goes on and we have to make the most of it, some days are better than others.

Awww big hugs Pam xxxxxxx❤️❤️


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[pittheath]

It is very hard to cope with but......

I would like to start a new thread, there a quite a few of us with loved ones in a CH, as quoted in Bugsbunny's post nobody knows what it is like until it happens to them. My husband has been in care for 8 months, it breaks my heart everyday, he is never out of my mind, although he is now quite settled. Hopefully we can help each other with our problems.

My husband has been in a care home since 2 weeks before Christmas last year. He has deteriorated further since and now doesn't recognise me at all. On the up side he is settled and calm, clean and fed. At first, when there was a flicker of recognition, I visited him every day, but found that a real strain. I helped with feeding, played music, showed photos etc. Slowly I began to recognise that he was receding further and further into a work of his own.

It sounds bad, but now I visit him for much shorter periods and sometimes only 2/3 times in the week. Why? Well he is, I am sure, more settled and calm without my visits. When I go he may vaguely think I am familiar, or just be interested in me as someone new who has come in the room. After about 15 minutes I can tell that he is losing interest and patience and has had enough of whoever I am. I have checked this out with the staff who seem to feel the same.

The second reason why I have reduced the visits is for my sake. I am a young 65, with a lot life left in me. Visiting him doesn't bring me any solace, in fact it opens the wounds afresh every time.

The problem is he looks exactly the same as ever. He doesn't seem to be aging. When he occasionally randomly says something, albeit nonsense, he often uses odd words or facial expression he would have always used. It is very disturbing and distressing, because there really is no communication there at all.

I feel a terrible dilemema. I loved him and we had a wonderful 43 years together. We don't have any family, so I suppose I tried to keep him, realistically or not, as long as I could because I didn't want to be alone. But I know really that he is gone and this is not my lovely, loving husband. I can't abandon him, I will visit, check, support and comfort whenever I can, but with the support of friends I am starting to build a new life and move forward.

The problem I find is that it is a bit like being haunted. You can't get over the loss/bereavement because every visit reminds you of it, which makes it very hard to cope with but .................. I owe to him and myself to come through this.

 

[Casbow]

Hello everyone, yesterday was the first time that l fed my beloved husband his dinner, l was told last week that he was unable to feed himself, this really did pull at my heartstrings. I arrived at the CH at 12am for our weekly Roast dinner, Ed was in a deep sleep, the staff wanted to w ake him for his dinner, l said no let him sleep. I sat with him for 3hrs until he woke up, he was very drowsy, l kissed him he smiled at me. I went to the kitchen for a reheated dinner, on my return he was asleep again, but decided to wake him as he had not eaton since 8am breakfast, l fed him his dinner, it made me feel so upset that he could no longer do this everyday task, within minutes he was asleep again, so left him and went home, luckily at 7pm l had a bowls match at my club, bowling helps to heal the pain, being with such supportive friends is a bonus.

Hello Pam. so sad to hear this. You have been a rock to so many. You have helped me so much with your advice. I know that it is difficult but I'm sure he will be pleased that you are helping him. Thinking of you.x

 

[optocarol]

My husband has been in a care home since 2 weeks before Christmas last year. He has deteriorated further since and now doesn't recognise me at all. On the up side he is settled and calm, clean and fed. At first, when there was a flicker of recognition, I visited him every day, but found that a real strain. I helped with feeding, played music, showed photos etc. Slowly I began to recognise that he was receding further and further into a work of his own.

It sounds bad, but now I visit him for much shorter periods and sometimes only 2/3 times in the week. Why? Well he is, I am sure, more settled and calm without my visits. When I go he may vaguely think I am familiar, or just be interested in me as someone new who has come in the room. After about 15 minutes I can tell that he is losing interest and patience and has had enough of whoever I am. I have checked this out with the staff who seem to feel the same.

The second reason why I have reduced the visits is for my sake. I am a young 65, with a lot life left in me. Visiting him doesn't bring me any solace, in fact it opens the wounds afresh every time.

The problem is he looks exactly the same as ever. He doesn't seem to be aging. When he occasionally randomly says something, albeit nonsense, he often uses odd words or facial expression he would have always used. It is very disturbing and distressing, because there really is no communication there at all.

I feel a terrible dilemema. I loved him and we had a wonderful 43 years together. We don't have any family, so I suppose I tried to keep him, realistically or not, as long as I could because I didn't want to be alone. But I know really that he is gone and this is not my lovely, loving husband. I can't abandon him, I will visit, check, support and comfort whenever I can, but with the support of friends I am starting to build a new life and move forward.

The problem I find is that it is a bit like being haunted. You can't get over the loss/bereavement because every visit reminds you of it, which makes it very hard to cope with but .................. I owe to him and myself to come through this.

I feel for you - my husband has been in care a similar time, but is not at the same point. He still knows me, most of the time anyway! I am 67 (68 soon), he is 85, married 14 years only though. I didn't ever visit every day and a wile ago asked staff if they thought every other day was too often. They actually didn't think so, but I've now got into Sun, Wed, Friday as this works better for me. He wants to go out every time I come as driving was a major part of his younger life. For me driving is only a means to an end, plus they have a trip at at least once a week from the CH and he has children/grandchildren who could/do come as well.
A person with experience of an OH with dementia said to me, "Two of you have to live, not just one."
I used to find it helpful to say to myself (and others at times), "He looks the same, he sounds the same, but he's not the same." I think it's harder when they are physically OK as well, as people think they look good, which as we here know, doesn't mean they are!
Yes, dementia is an ongoing grief as we see them gradually losing themselves. Every so often, something happens which hasn't happened before, which causes fresh realisation of what's going on.
Hope some of this helps.
Hugs (lots).

 

[pamann]

Thank you casbow for thinking of me

 

[tigerlady]

Hi pamann. I echo casbow in saying you have been a great support to me as well. So sorry to hear about Ed's further decline. It is good that you have your bowls friends to help you cope with all the sad feelings. You are doing all you can to support and care for Ed - it is so hard to see our soul mates decline in this way. xx

 

[tigerlady]

I feel for you - my husband has been in care a similar time, but is not at the same point. He still knows me, most of the time anyway! I am 67 (68 soon), he is 85, married 14 years only though. I didn't ever visit every day and a wile ago asked staff if they thought every other day was too often. They actually didn't think so, but I've now got into Sun, Wed, Friday as this works better for me. He wants to go out every time I come as driving was a major part of his younger life. For me driving is only a means to an end, plus they have a trip at at least once a week from the CH and he has children/grandchildren who could/do come as well.
A person with experience of an OH with dementia said to me, "Two of you have to live, not just one."
I used to find it helpful to say to myself (and others at times), "He looks the same, he sounds the same, but he's not the same." I think it's harder when they are physically OK as well, as people think they look good, which as we here know, doesn't mean they are!
Yes, dementia is an ongoing grief as we see them gradually losing themselves. Every so often, something happens which hasn't happened before, which causes fresh realisation of what's going on.
Hope some of this helps.
Hugs (lots).

Your post really resonated with me. I find that I am visiting my husband just 3 times a week now instead of 4 or 5 times. He still knows me sometimes, but I still trigger the "going home" reaction which is so upsetting, after he has been in care for over 2 years. The staff say he is settled when I am not there. He even says, when I ask him, that it is a lovely place and he likes it. Then in the next breath he says "when are we going home". The rest of his talk is mostly unintelligible, and he doesn't seem to understand most of what I say, but he is happy if I nod and laugh when he does.

I used to take him out once a week, but after the last time, in August, when he wouldn't get out of the car, not even to go in his favourite pub, and then wouldn't get out of the car back at the care home, I haven't taken him out since. Also now he is doubly incontinent which complicates things. I do go out with friends and have a good time, but I find that after such a high, I am even more depressed and sad afterwards, and sometimes can't even go to see him on one of my usual days, as I fear I would burst into tears. He still looks so well and handsome - he eats well and the carers are fantastic with him, even though he is very aggressive during personal care - and I still just cant believe that I have lost him to this horrible disease.

My thoughts are with you and with all others who are losing their soul mate in this awful way xx

 

[LizK]

Presents for staff

What Christmas presents do you all give to staff of your loved ones' care/nursing homes. I shall be giving wine to the three laundry workers as I think they deserve recognition, but most of the carers are young Thai girls and I don't know if they drink alcohol. Cakes and biscuits are plentiful for the staff so I can only think of sweets..... Any better ideas?

Liz

 

[pamann]

Hello Liz, l give a gift voucher from a well known High St chemist, then they can buy maybe some makeup, most people bring in boxes of chocolates for the staff, or wine.