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Loved ones in a Care Home.

Bugsbunny

Registered User
Dec 1, 2014
19
0
I will never get used to this

My husband has been in care now since November 2015, at the time I was very unsure it was the right step and I have felt almost every day since the same uncertainty.
I think his dementia has become much worse than it would have been if he was still in his home environment mixing with more people who don't have dementia.
He has settled down but I can't look at him without feeling that the whole situation is wrong. I should have persevered with him longer , there is always the guilt that I've let him down badly.
It's like a nightmare. I just want it to end and wake up in a world where we are together again.
 

Casbow

Registered User
Sep 3, 2013
1,004
0
Colchester
My husband has been in care now since November 2015, at the time I was very unsure it was the right step and I have felt almost every day since the same uncertainty.
I think his dementia has become much worse than it would have been if he was still in his home environment mixing with more people who don't have dementia.
He has settled down but I can't look at him without feeling that the whole situation is wrong. I should have persevered with him longer , there is always the guilt that I've let him down badly.
It's like a nightmare. I just want it to end and wake up in a world where we are together again.

So sorry Bugsbunny. I am just at the point of making the decision to put my husband into care.Just the thought of it is making me feel so bad. So like I have failed. Even writing this makes me feel like a failure. He has become so difficult Will not accept carers to help share the burdon. Will not let me keep him clean. Will not hardly ever leave the house. Will not be nice to visitors. I feel that my life is over. There is nothing to look forward to. Day after day is the same. Shopping has to be delivered. So think back to why your husband is in care. You could not have been happy. There must have been problems. I am sure you had good reason. Please don't beat yourself up about it. I am sure if he has settled you need to try and be happy with your decision. I wish you well.xxx
 

tigerlady

Registered User
Nov 29, 2015
427
0
My husband has been in care now since November 2015, at the time I was very unsure it was the right step and I have felt almost every day since the same uncertainty.
I think his dementia has become much worse than it would have been if he was still in his home environment mixing with more people who don't have dementia.
He has settled down but I can't look at him without feeling that the whole situation is wrong. I should have persevered with him longer , there is always the guilt that I've let him down badly.
It's like a nightmare. I just want it to end and wake up in a world where we are together again.

I feel exactly the same as you, but I have to remind myself how I just couldnt cope at home and what life was like then. My husband seems more settled now, after 2 and a half years in care, but it breaks my heart to read his notes and see that he is still extremely aggressive with personal care. The saving grace is that his short term memory is so bad he doesnt remember how upset he gets, and afterwards, he is quite good tempered when getting dressed. I cry at the drop of a hat when something reminds me of our lovely life together before the curse of Alzheimers. The carers say he is settled, and after reading other peoples stories, I think I am very lucky that he is in a home with such good carers, who manage him with calmness and kindness, whatever he does to them.
It is like living in a nightmare, and the guilt will never go - the best we can do is to support each other here and give each other strength to fix a smile on our face and give as good a visit as we can, even though we are breaking up inside. Sending hugs xx
 

Bugsbunny

Registered User
Dec 1, 2014
19
0
So sorry Bugsbunny. I am just at the point of making the decision to put my husband into care.Just the thought of it is making me feel so bad. So like I have failed. Even writing this makes me feel like a failure. He has become so difficult Will not accept carers to help share the burdon. Will not let me keep him clean. Will not hardly ever leave the house. Will not be nice to visitors. I feel that my life is over. There is nothing to look forward to. Day after day is the same. Shopping has to be delivered. So think back to why your husband is in care. You could not have been happy. There must have been problems. I am sure you had good reason. Please don't beat yourself up about it. I am sure if he has settled you need to try and be happy with your decision. I wish you well.xxx

thankyou,
Yes there were problems and I used to write notes to myself. One says I just want my life back, to laugh again , to live again.
Sometimes I read through the notes to remind myself how it was but that awful feeling of inadequacy still rears its head at times.
I know I'd be ill if he was back home and I would have no respite, there would be unpleasant scenes etc.
I hope my post hasnt put you off going ahead with your decision because the life you describe sounds very restricting.
I wish you all the best. People who post on here are so supportive. X
 

Bugsbunny

Registered User
Dec 1, 2014
19
0
I feel exactly the same as you, but I have to remind myself how I just couldnt cope at home and what life was like then. My husband seems more settled now, after 2 and a half years in care, but it breaks my heart to read his notes and see that he is still extremely aggressive with personal care. The saving grace is that his short term memory is so bad he doesnt remember how upset he gets, and afterwards, he is quite good tempered when getting dressed. I cry at the drop of a hat when something reminds me of our lovely life together before the curse of Alzheimers. The carers say he is settled, and after reading other peoples stories, I think I am very lucky that he is in a home with such good carers, who manage him with calmness and kindness, whatever he does to them.
It is like living in a nightmare, and the guilt will never go - the best we can do is to support each other here and give each other strength to fix a smile on our face and give as good a visit as we can, even though we are breaking up inside. Sending hugs xx

Hello,
The sentence you wrote about crying at the drop of a hat when you think of how lovely your life together was is exactly how I am. It is a curse and it seems to strike the most intelligent lovely people this disease. I am visiting every other day now but it's hard not to go as I expect you will know. There is a photo of us on our wedding day in my husbands room and when I look at it and think how happy we have been I feel so lucky but the tears fall.
I have booked a flight to go visit our son and his family in Australia at the end of March. I will only be away for two weeks which isn't really long enough for such a long journey, but I can't leave my husband any longer. I am already worried about such a long absence.
I don't think he notices that I'm having days off, at least he doesn't ask where I have been, but two weeks is a long time.
Thank you for your reply. X
 

Morty

Registered User
Dec 13, 2016
94
0
Southeast Ireland
Hi all,just found this thread, had to put both my folks in fulltime 'care' in july/aug
Double whammy, just about coping,visit too often, trying to banish the guilt
And still breaks my heart, not impressed with staff ratio etc at carehome tbh
 

Georgina63

Registered User
Aug 11, 2014
968
0
Hi all,just found this thread, had to put both my folks in fulltime 'care' in july/aug
Double whammy, just about coping,visit too often, trying to banish the guilt
And still breaks my heart, not impressed with staff ratio etc at carehome tbh

Oh Morty, I so know the feeling! Nothing will ever be good enough and sometimes I really struggle with the whole idea, especially of my Dad in particular being in a care home. Then I try to give myself a good talking to, and consider the alternatives. So hard. Virtual hugs all round. Gx
 

Morty

Registered User
Dec 13, 2016
94
0
Southeast Ireland
Yes i feel you,its the over analysis,then when you do switch off its like a shock again the next day when u wake at 4am ,guess n hope time will heal and this too will pass xx
 

Georgina63

Registered User
Aug 11, 2014
968
0
Yes i feel you,its the over analysis,then when you do switch off its like a shock again the next day when u wake at 4am ,guess n hope time will heal and this too will pass xx
Let's hope so. Like you, have found 3 or 4 in the morning is not the best thinking time!