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Loved ones in a Care Home.

pamann

Registered User
Oct 28, 2013
2,635
Kent
I would like to start a new thread, there a quite a few of us with loved ones in a CH, as quoted in Bugsbunny's post nobody knows what it is like until it happens to them. My husband has been in care for 8 months, it breaks my heart everyday, he is never out of my mind, although he is now quite settled. Hopefully we can help each other with our problems.
 

pamann

Registered User
Oct 28, 2013
2,635
Kent
Thank you Grannie G you will be able to give us advice, as you have been through this very stressful time.☺
 

jaymor

Volunteer Moderator
Jul 14, 2006
12,929
England
Certainly is a great idea Pamann, lots of us have experience and it would be great to have the good experiences recorded here to give confidence to carers that it is not all bad.
 

pamann

Registered User
Oct 28, 2013
2,635
Kent
I have been taking my hubby out for short walks with a carer and another resident, he did once know the area well, he had no idea where he was, all he kept saying was l have got to get back for my tea, l did not need to worry about him running off, as he had escaped from the home several times. Last Sunday we walked to a new small supermarket, which had just opened a week ago. He was like a child so excited, said l haven't been in here for years. Oh how he can change!!! Yesterday he didn't recognised me, this has been happening for a few weeks, he has days when he just talks to people on the TV. I didn't stay long, chatted to some of the other residents to whom l have got very fond of.
 

jaymor

Volunteer Moderator
Jul 14, 2006
12,929
England
When my husband first went into his nursing home I saw the other residents as lost souls and it really worried me. Visiting daily I got to know them, learned about their life before dementia and got to know their families. They then became great characters, everyone different and dealing with this dreadful disease in their own way.

One of our granddaughters said she loved visiting, she felt she had gained 8 new granddads. We also had many funny things happen and we now talk and laugh at the antics they got up to. Care home living was 4 years of our lives and the whole family gained something from the experience.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,136
Kent
I`m so pleased your husband has settled pamann. I remember the horrific start he had and how it affected you.

Now he is settled and you are still upset but it`s still better than the other way round.

When my husband went into residential care I intended to take him out for walks by the sea. He went into the home in February and by the time it was warm enough to take him out he had become agoraphobic and frightened to go out even into the home`s garden.
 

pamann

Registered User
Oct 28, 2013
2,635
Kent
Hello Jaymor, l agree with all that you have said, most days l get great pleasure from my visits, its not all doom and gloom,
 

pamann

Registered User
Oct 28, 2013
2,635
Kent
Thank you Grannie, l did find at first he was very frightened after not going out into the outside world, now he has gained confidence, its good that he is pleased to return to the home, he has forgotten his home with me, thinks he has always lived where he is, which in a way is comforting to me.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,223
South coast
My mum is in a CH too and has been well looked after. She is becoming quite frail now (and has yet another UTI to boot), but has made friends there and has been happy.

I was very nervous when I first started visiting, but, like you, I have found that the other residents and their family have become friends. There is laughter and Ive had a lot of fun there. Definitely not doom and gloom all the time.
 

Scarlett123

Registered User
Apr 30, 2013
3,802
Essex
My late husband was only in a Care Home for 6 months, following a month's respite, whilst I had a much postponed operation, and I cannot speak too highly of the care, and the love, the staff gave him.

It is a very frightening, guilt-ridden, and traumatic decision to make, and, sadly, other people often use the phrase "so-and-so put his wife/husband/parent in a Care Home", which sounds like we put a parcel down somewhere, and left it.

Not every visit I made was wonderful, and I went most days, but some were lovely and chatty, even though I hadn't a clue what John was talking about - but I made out I did. And because I was able to have uninterrupted sleep at night, for the first time in years, it meant that when I visited, I was refreshed, patient, and calm.

It's a hard decision to make, and only the main carer knows when the time is right, but, from my perspective, I couldn't have coped any longer, and know I made the right decision at the right time.
 

tigerlady

Registered User
Nov 29, 2015
427
My situation is similar to pamann and bugsbunny - my husband has been in care for nearly 2 years now, a bad start after sectioning and then going to a horrible home, but he is now in a really nice place where he can wander all he likes and have free access to secure gardens. I feel he must be so lonely, though, as he doesn't mix with the other residents, who are mostly women, and doesn't join in with any activities, and has no interest in watching tv. I even bought him his own small table for the dining room, as he wont sit with the others. The carers say that they chat to him a lot so I hope thats true, as he does like interacting with them

I looked at him today - still so handsome and not looking anywhere like nearly 80, and looking so much more normal than other dementia patients and it breaks my heart that he is in a home. I too feel as though I didnt cope well enough at home, although I think that he had the beginnings of dementia 9 or 10 years ago. It was 2007 when his friends came to me quite concerned about his short term memory and repeating himself, and of course I'd already known about it for some time. Of course he refused to go to the doctors as "there was nothing wrong with him". He wasn't officially diagnosed until 3 years ago, so I did manage for quite a long time. I got diagnosed with breast cancer in 2013 - the year he was diagnosed, and I still managed to cope in spite of surgery (my sister came to stay with him while I was in hospital) and chemotherapy - it was when all the treatments had finished that I just broke down, although by then he had got so much worse. I still feel I should have been stronger.

It is getting easier to leave him after a visit - I used to cry all the way home - but I suppose he is more settled now, but he still often doesn't go to bed, and just wanders till he sleeps in a chair, and still keeps on about going home. I know its not our home he means, and I have to remember the extreme sundowning and how confused and agitated and aggressive he was during the last 6 months he was at home.

I have more good visits than bad now, and although he chatters away, not making any sense, I laugh when he laughs and agree with him and its lovely to see him smiling. But how I wish I could have my lovely man back as he was :(
 

pamann

Registered User
Oct 28, 2013
2,635
Kent
Hello tigerlady, l feel the same as you, l remember how life was before hubby went into care, sleepless nights, not knowing me as his wife, getting lost when he went out walking, many call outs to the police, l know in my heart l could not mamage to look after him if he came back home. He has not been to bed now for a year, wanders around most of the night, falls asleep in the chair for a few hours. He was very sleepy yesterday, as carer said he didn't sleep at all the night before.
I still do all his personal care, also take his washing home to do, apart from feeding him thats all the carers have to do. He will not let anyone touch him only me, showering and dressing a fully grown man is hard work, it takes me almost an hour. Luckily l am fit and healthy, it does make me feel good to be able to do this for my husband, he is always grateful, and thanks me for what l do for him. ☺
 

pamann

Registered User
Oct 28, 2013
2,635
Kent
Thank you scarlett for all your help and advice, when my husband went into care you were so supportive. ☺
 

tigerlady

Registered User
Nov 29, 2015
427
Hello tigerlady, l feel the same as you, l remember how life was before hubby went into care, sleepless nights, not knowing me as his wife, getting lost when he went out walking, many call outs to the police, l know in my heart l could not mamage to look after him if he came back home. He has not been to bed now for a year, wanders around most of the night, falls asleep in the chair for a few hours. He was very sleepy yesterday, as carer said he didn't sleep at all the night before.
I still do all his personal care, also take his washing home to do, apart from feeding him thats all the carers have to do. He will not let anyone touch him only me, showering and dressing a fully grown man is hard work, it takes me almost an hour. Luckily l am fit and healthy, it does make me feel good to be able to do this for my husband, he is always grateful, and thanks me for what l do for him. ☺
So glad you have found some sort of peace and routine now. I could not wash and dress my husband at all when he was at home - I had to pick my moment and persuade him to do it himself, and sometimes 2 or 3 weeks would go by with him wearing the same clothes night and day and not washing. It takes at least 3 carers to do personal care, although after the initial fighting, he usually calms down during the dressing phase. He used to let me help him after a toilet accident but after the latest one in the home I had to press the buzzer for the carers. They were very calm but firm and I was so impressed with their handling of him. I am so lucky to have got him in this home.
 

Scarlett123

Registered User
Apr 30, 2013
3,802
Essex
Thank you scarlett for all your help and advice, when my husband went into care you were so supportive. ☺
I think this is the true essence of Talking Point, because it enables others, who have experienced things, to help those who are faced with the unknown. And I am so glad that I was able to help you, as you are now able to "pass on the help", and give support and advice to others who are in that position. :)
 

pamann

Registered User
Oct 28, 2013
2,635
Kent
My hubby is on escape watch. Yesterday was a bad day, he tried to get out of the window, got stuck half way, due to restraints, took 2 carer's to release him. His room overlooks the garden, so would have been easier to have gone out the door in the conservatory, as his legs are very swollen they don't think he would be able to jump the fence.
All his belonging were on the bed in a pile, as he was in his world going home
When he saw me he pleaded for me to get him out of this terrible place, he then threw himself on the floor, rolled over and over, got up and banged his head on the table. Before l arrived they had given him a calming tablet which took an hour to calm him down, this has happened a few times before, l find it very upsetting, l am told it is frustration, after he had calmed down he was back to being quite happy, l stay with him until 9pm l was able to leave without him running after me, needed to share this with you, as l woke up this morning feeling a bit down.
 

DMac

Registered User
Jul 18, 2015
535
Surrey, UK
Just to say, Thank You Pamann for starting this thread, and Thank You to those who have replied. You are really helping me as I (with other family members) contemplate, what seems to me, the inevitable next step of placing my mother-in-law into a care home, as her condition deteriorates by the day. I can see that it's never easy, in fact it must be one of the hardest decisions any family must have to face. Nonetheless, it is very calming and reassuring to read about your experiences, positive or otherwise, just to know that this path has been trodden before.

Thank you for your kindness. You are helping me so much.

Best wishes. xxx