Loved one REFUSES to take any medication, go to dr appts & wants left alone

[Fasdas]

I'm relieved to have found this forum because we don't know where to turn to. My 70 yr old mom-in-law was recently diagnosed w vascular dementia & is in utter and complete denial. She lives alone w 8 cats in a very dirty home that smells horrible -- mostly like animal urine. However, she thinks her home looks and smells just fine. She didn't pay her mortgage for 4 months but swears up and down that she did pay it. [she didn't] Her water was turned off for the same reason. When various family members [that she trusts] try to assist her with paying her bills, monitor her taking her medication, cleaning her house, etc. she refuses and wants everyone to "quit trying to run her life". She now refuses to take any medications [because she feels fine] and also refuses to go to any future doctor appts. Besides needing to take medication to slow the vascular dementia, she also needs medication for low thyroid. She wears the same clothes for 4+ wks and smells. [but she doesn't think she smells]. Did I mention she is very stubborn and has always prided herself on being independent. What can we do to help her see that she needs to take the medication and that we [family] aren't trying to run her life but care enough to want to help her continue living independently with us checking in on her? Also -- she did have a home nurse come to the house and monitor her taking medications for about 6 weeks, but that stopped recently because she reached the maximum amount of visits that her insurance would allow. Her income is too high to qualify for any programs of assistance from the state or county that we live in but she doesn't make enough to afford to pay for the costs of any type of home-care assistance. She'll NEVER leave her home voluntarily and we believe that some day the authorities will force her leave because the house will be deemed condemned due to filthy conditions. Finally, I don't think a court would find her to be needing a guardianship of the person because she can carry on a regular conversation and answer most questions reasonably, etc. I'm at a loss as to what we can do to help and so is my husband [her only child]. Any suggestions please? Thank you!

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Fasdas

Welcome to Talking Point [TP]

You are in a no win situation at the moment. Even with her diagnosis, your MiL will probably be seen as eccentric and as long as she is not at risk or putting others at risk, I expect the authorities` hands are tied.

Sadly with dementia things will certainly become worse and I feel you might have to allow this to happen.

You cannot be held responsible for her financial arrears or her medication. My husband had a period of refusing medication and I was advised he couldn`t be forced. It was just entered in his files.

All you can do really is make sure she has food in the house, and leave her alone in the hope one day things will get so bad she will ask for help.

It sounds dreadful I know but I think the more you try the more she will object.

 

[piedwarbler]

Hi and welcome to TP. This sounds so similar to the way my mum lived for years. Almost identical in fact! I used to tear my hair out trying to help. I phoned a helpline in the end and they reassured me that I had done everything possible, as I am sure you have. In the end, they said, Mum would get to a crisis point - the example they gave was scalding herself with a kettle - and that all I could do was wait.
Actually what happened was that Mum got so poorly and self neglected she couldn't get out of the chair and finally had to accept my help. She went into a care home most reluctantly to convalesce. Within a week she was asking to stay in the care home and was terrified of going home.
It was a dreadful time and I remember it so well. I wish you lots of luck. Keep posting on here because there is lots of help and advice on here that was a real lifeline to me. X

 

[FifiMo]

I have to agree with the others that if someone is in denial then you are not going to convince them otherwise and it will take a crisis to arise before someone feels empowered enough then to step in and take over.

I do have a few suggestions for you that might work...

If she wants everyone to butt out and leave her to it then sit down and do some negotiating with her - tell her that she can have exactly as she wants and you will all back off on ONE condition that she allows (XXX whoever lives nearest) to come and help her with her medication. Tell her if she doesn't take it then she could be put into hospital to ensure she does and then what would happen to her independence!

The rest of the issues around the state of the house etc just leave for a couple of weeks. Then what I would do is I would arrange, say, for your husband to take her for a special day out - lunch etc. then I would go round and blitz the house whilst she is out. You could even persuade her perhaps that as he is taking her to a posh restaurant for lunch that she might want to put on her best outfit for the occasion. Don't make a big deal of it though - the aim of the exercise is to pick your fights.

Try and find reasons for her being agreeable to going out so that someone can go in and sort things out for her. How about her cats? Do they need to go to the vet for their annual check ups? That would give her 8 reasons to leave the house for a while would it not?

On the finances side of things, if she won't give you power of attorney then the fallback is to get online banking set up - at least then you can monitor and check things without her knowledge!

I don't know if you have this facility where you live but you could also get her mail redirected to your address so that you can get early warning of things like her mortgage not having been paid etc. When you next visit her - take the routine mail round to her and let her think you just saw the post folks.

Overall, the challenge for you all will be to let her THINK she is in control whilst you subtly take over bit by bit. As difficult as it is, choose your battles - if something isn't absolutely necessary then let it go for now.

You have my sympathies. My mother was in denial of anything being wrong right up to the bitter end. Our legacy is that we have now become resourceful people and we're the ones that can say "yes you look lovely in that outfit/those bright orange shoes look beautiful with your pink frock" without batting an eyelid! LOL

Fiona

 

[Fasdas]

Thanks so much for all the wonderful advice! It's very helpful to hear what others have to say on this subject who have experienced it first hand. This is all new to us and we weren't sure if we were doing everything we can.