Radical acceptance?

[catherinewa]

Has anyone else had to come to accept situation where people with a diagnosis consistently deny it and go out of thrir way consistently prove it is wrong by doing risky things as if they were 20 years younger?

I feel like I need to radically accept that this is my parents' choice. They are 80 and have always been v stuck in their ways. My dad has the diagnosis but I suspect my mum may have similar issues and has always v emotionally dependent on dad . They are both 80 and not even accepting they are getting old. For my mum, she has the solutiom to make more demands on dad but that is not wise in the long run. She has mobility issues but refuses to use her frame or mobility scooter, asthma but wont use her inhaler and hearing probs (she does wear hearing aids but I suspect there is a memory issue( and has always had high anxiety and cannot distract herself until the problem is fixed. She refuses to go to the doctors about any of these issues.

They have been told to stop driving after an accident which caused no injuries but wrote the car off. But they wont use buses or taxis and then get miserable about not going out. But even the accidemt has not helped them self reflect. They do go to dementia support groups but dismiss all the advice on the basis that the people talk down to them.

It has taken me a year but we have finally got the lpas off. I dont want to stop them doing things but ideally would like to put a safety net under them. But they wont let me and my brother into their planning.

After much despair and energy trying to make suggestions gor tiny adjustments either gently or assertively , I have decided to back off. What will be will be and it is their lives and their choice

If anyone else has had this, I would be grateful for any tips

 

[canary]

Hello @catherinewa

I'm afraid that this is typical of dementia.
Sometimes it's due to denial because dementia is a scary diagnosis, but more often it is anosognosia. This is a common (but little talked about) symptom of dementia when they lose self insight and are unaware that they have changed, so frequently do not believe that they have dementia.

They may also be time shifting, which is where their mind goes back in time so that they think they are much younger than they really are.

It is also typical that they don't want carers, only family and have no idea how much their relatives are actually doing for them and how often they are there. So they demand more and more, but each time think that it's just this one little thing that they want doing.

You have put a lot of things in place and I'm really glad that POA is being organised. I'm afraid that you will have to organise safety nets without their agreement because if you wait for them to agree you will wait forever. The POAs will help with this. Stepping back is a good idea. You might want to contact their GP or SS about your concerns. Many of us have unfortunately had to wait for a crisis

 

[SherwoodSue]

This sounds so familiar. My mum has a Zimmer frame. When she feels dreadfully unwell she will use her frame.

Other days when she feels a tad better she will not use her Zimmer frame to PROVE to herself and everyone else how well she is doing. She frequently comments I am getting better aren’t I?

The osteoporosis nurse said ‘ you accept medications to protect you from broken bones, why not accept your Zimmer as a preventative measure too?’

Sadly fell on death ears.

 

[Collywobbles]

As others have said, this is sadly quite a common situation, and others have had to do the same in similar situations.

Something else you could do, is email their GP surgery to explain the reality of the situation, your concerns, and let them know that you’ve been forced to step back. They won’t be able to respond with any information(unless they deem your parents incapable of making decisions in their own best interests) but at least the information you give them, will be on your parents’ notes if anything does force them into the surgery.

The GP may even decide to proactively invite them in for a ‘routine checkup’ (without mentioning dementia) to gauge the situation. My Mum’s surgery is very good with things like that.

 

[catherinewa]

Thank you all for responding so promptly, it feels very valudating
Ultimately itis their choice and if they wont let me and my brother in to provide alternative suggestions, other than informing the GP, there is not much else I can do. At least they go to some dementia support groups so they know the people when the time comes. After a year of tryimg we have finally got the POA forms off too