Living with my boyfriend and his grandma who has dementia?? Strain on relationnship

[Rainbow21]

Hi, Me and my boyfriend used to live with his parents but there splitting up so we have moved next door to his grandma who is 89 and has had dementia for 18 months my boyfriends mum refuses to take her doctors as she thinks it wont help me and my boyfriend are just under so much stress as im 21 and hes 28 if i mention we need help as were both work full time and shes by herself alot of the time he gets angry at me we fall out every week over it hes tried to tell his mum we need help but she wont listen.
Her cat died so we brought her a new one but she refuses to let it out and when we do she will walk the street for 2 hours looking under peoples cars and neighbours have noticed.she will ring her sons or other relatives crying making up stories that someone has stole her cat etc..
Also struggling to wash her and shes only had 5 baths in 4 months since weve been there we have a shower but refuses to use it.
She constantly wants someone to sit with her so i barely see my bf i cant sit with her as i just get stressed out repeating over and over and she doesnt listen to me already started accusing me of things.
i just wondered if she is taken to the doctors would medication even help at this stage or is there a way to get a carer round randomly so no one knows ive gone behind their back?
Cant live like this

 

[Jessbow]

If gran needs help and its not happening , you need to sit down and talk with BF's parents.

Really, it shouldn't fall to you

Who doesn't want carers?

 

[Rainbow21]

Im keeping telling them she needs helps but the mum refuses it as shes thinks it wont help and she doesnt want her to go into care as she think she will die there but my boyfriend has tried to talk to his mum but nothing is being done just keep going in circles and if i mention it to my boyfriend he gets stressed and we fall out over it every week. just feel so angry as were still so young and our relationship was fine until this...
we only moved in as we was going to buy the house after she died but the council told us we will be kicked out when she dies so dont know why were still here to be honest were trying to save up but we end up getting stressed out so have to go out :/

 

[Noorza]

You need to call social services for vulnerable adults tomorrow explain to them the situation and get in extra help. That is your first port of call, they will then signpost you to other support networks.

Do it tomorrow.

 

[Rainbow21]

Will they know ive made the call though? just wish the family would do something its not down to me :/

 

[Noorza]

This disease breaks up families who have supported each other for 40/50 years it's happened in mine. A fledgling relationship like yours has no chance without outside intervention. Social services will not just bung nan in a home, my mum has been given hand rails all over the show, hospital bed, wet room, warmfront central heating, social services will try their best to keep your nan in her own home. We have alarm systems in so if she falls it triggers a helpline, the fire brigade have put in fire alarms, the list is endless. She has befrienders to go in to take her out places, she has a key box so if there is an emergency, the ambulance fire or police can get in.

She won't have carers as she has me but she could have carers.

Call social services adult safeguarding team, write down all of your concerns and make that call.

 

[Noorza]

What I would do is to write a letter to them, outlining all of your concerns and telling them they are not allowed to tell them where they sourced the information.


I would get you BF to go to the GP to tell them about your concerns so when the GP sees them on other health matters they can do a memory test, and investigate your concerns without it being sourced to you.

The doctors are used to this in my experience.

 

[Rainbow21]

So they wouldnt put her into a care home straight away or anything as it will make us homeless so im just torn as if they find out ive called social services we may break up as ive gone behind their backs

 

[Noorza]

So they wouldnt put her into a care home straight away or anything as it will make us homeless so im just torn as if they find out ive called social services we may break up as ive gone behind their backs

You will get a lot of responses on here, get your BF to read them, make a joint decision.

 

[Jessbow]

Who is 'they'?

Who says she doesn't need help that you are worried will find out?
Gran herself or someone else

 

[Bumblegirl]

Hi,

If I was you I would not contact social services behind the family's back. I would maybe consider moving back in with your family, if that is an option. You can continue the relationship without having the stress of dealing with dementia when the family are quite happy to bury their heads.

Just my thoughts but I wanted to say what a lovely caring person you are. However, involving social services is something that I wonder whether the family would thank you for. Eventually they will have to wake up but for now keep plugging away or completely step back and move out temporarily.

Good luck - such a terrible shame for you.
BG

 

[starryuk]

If I was you I would not contact social services behind the family's back. I would maybe consider moving back in with your family, if that is an option. You can continue the relationship without having the stress of dealing with dementia when the family are quite happy to bury their heads.

Just my thoughts but I wanted to say what a lovely caring person you are. However, involving social services is something that I wonder whether the family would thank you for. Eventually they will have to wake up but for now keep plugging away or completely step back and move out temporarily.

Good luck - such a terrible shame for you

I absolutely agree with this. You can see that Gran needs the help ;the family is in denial. Perhaps moving away temporarily will help them to realise that she does.

My daughters are a little more than your age. My heart goes out to you.

 

[Miss Merlot]

My honest advice is RUN LIKE THE CLAPPERS mate.

At 21, you have far better things to be doing with your life than embroiling yourself in a dysfunctional dementia family drama, especially when your boyfriend is hardly being a model of support either. Why is he still living at home at 28 as well...??

And once you have run, write or call SS anonymously to make sure the nan gets on the radar.

This disease breaks up families who have supported each other for 40/50 years it's happened in mine. A fledgling relationship like yours has no chance without outside intervention. Social services will not just bung nan in a home, my mum has been given hand rails all over the show, hospital bed, wet room, warmfront central heating, social services will try their best to keep your nan in her own home. We have alarm systems in so if she falls it triggers a helpline, the fire brigade have put in fire alarms, the list is endless. She has befrienders to go in to take her out places, she has a key box so if there is an emergency, the ambulance fire or police can get in.

She won't have carers as she has me but she could have carers.

Call social services adult safeguarding team, write down all of your concerns and make that call.

 

[Wildflower]

You've said yourself you can't live like this, and I don't think you should stay there. You don't have any security of tenure there anyway. I know it's really really difficult to get a place of your own these days but can you not think of any other alternative. If you move out your boyfriend's mother might be forced into facing up to the fact that her mother needs proper help. Your boyfriends mother is in no doubt under a lot of strain at the moment due to her relationship breaking down and whilst you and your boyfriend are living with his gran you are taking the pressure off of her and she is able to put it to the back of her mind. I find it a bit worrying that you are only staying there because you are concerned about becoming homeless, and also that is the reason you don't want her to go into a home, but please don't think I'm judging you because I can understand your situation. It is staggeringly difficult to live with and care for a dementia sufferer for anyone, even if the carer is completely willing, loves the person and has no other agenda. The situation you are all in is I don't think in anyone's best interest. I hope you can sort it out and I send my best wishes.

 

[velocity]

I agree with Miss Merlot

 

[sue38]

It sounds to me that BF's mum may be doing a bit of head burying. Or she may be frightened that if her mum goes to the GP she will be 'put away'. The reality is that, without a diagnosis, support services will be more difficult to access.

Have a look at this factsheet on Diagnosis and assessment and in particular the section on Why get a diagnosis? You could print it off and ask BF and his mum to have a look at it. Mum may think she is protecting Gran, but she really needs to get her (and you) some support.

 

[Fed Up]

Nailed it Miss Merlott, "run like hell". Its not your problem and you sound desperate. If the boy friend can't or won't stand up its not like he's thinking of you is it? .
Ring the Police if you have too as they must seek to make sure a vulnerable person is ok and don't feel guilt this family sound selfish and you as a compassionate person are better off out of it.

 

[Moonflower]

Thirded
Run, and run now - the longer you stay the harder it will be. Getting drawn into a dysfunctional family with a dementia patient really isn't what you need at your age.

 

[oldeddy]

Get the hell out of it girl, you are to young and caring, and in my book your boyfriend and his family, don't deserve a person such as you.

God bless you girl

 

[Delphie]

I agree with the 'run' advice. Hand on heart, I would not go through the dementia experience with anyone other than my mother (or husband, should we be that unlucky). We've stepped in to look after my aunt-in-law but it's very much at a distance and more a case of managing money and making decisions she can no longer make for herself.

Trying to hold onto young love in an atmosphere of such intensive caring will be very tough indeed. You have a better chance if you move out. Either both of you or just you. I know there might be practical difficulties preventing you from making a quick exit but work towards that if you possibly can.

Notifying the social services, though, ought to be something the family do when they feel the time is right, unless you feel that if you move out the woman will be at risk, in which case it would be morally okay, I think, to inform the SS, regardless of the family's wishes.