Living with my boyfriend and his grandma who has dementia?? Strain on relationnship

Wildflower

Registered User
Apr 6, 2013
227
0
Brighton
I agree with everyone who is telling you to run. I have a daughter in her twenties and I'm on friendly terms with all of her friends, they tell me their problems because I'm non judgemental but I can tell you this, not one of them would put up with the (I feel like swearing, but I won't on here) rubbish you are putting up with. You really have to get out. Are you feeling vulnerable? Do you have family? - A mum? Sorry to be nosey but I think you need protecting.
 

Miss Merlot

Registered User
Oct 15, 2012
3,261
0
Exactly - I am only ten years older than you are now Rainbow (yeah I know I know, over 30, ancient!), but when I look back on myself at 21 I would have been in no way ready or able to take on something like this, especially not for an elderly lady you presumably barely know....

Aged 21 (ideally) is for fun, finding yourself, travelling, learning, not committing yourself way too early and ending up old before your time being eaten up from inside out by the ugly world of dementia, and the ugliness it often seems to bring out in other people.

I get that you love your boyfriend (though am still wondering why he is living at home still at 28??), but I think this is way too high a price to maintain the relationship - if you do choose to stay with him, it needs to be outside of this toxic environment for you not to end up hating each other soon and splitting up anyway...


I agree with everyone who is telling you to run. I have a daughter in her twenties and I'm on friendly terms with all of her friends, they tell me their problems because I'm non judgemental but I can tell you this, not one of them would put up with the (I feel like swearing, but I won't on here) rubbish you are putting up with. You really have to get out. Are you feeling vulnerable? Do you have family? - A mum? Sorry to be nosey but I think you need protecting.


PS: Hope we didn't scare you off Rainbow - please report back and tell us how you're getting on...
 
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Rainbow21

Registered User
Aug 21, 2013
21
0
ive spoken to my boyfriend today and hes spoken to his mum and shes asked the doctors if medication would help and they said its old age and wouldnt do anything me and my boyfriend havent spoken for days because i keep bringing it up :/ my mum kicked me out as she has depression, anxiety and a alcoholic so dont have that option.
 

Rainbow21

Registered User
Aug 21, 2013
21
0
Thank you for everyones comments feel like i can only talk on here just feel like im taking on the whole familys stress because there not dealing with it he hasnt moved out yet because hes a mummys boy and hes self employed electrician and hes waiting until he has enough work in to move out just feel so angry that the mum doesnt help us ive cried to and told her what its doing to our relationship she doesnt care :(
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
5,680
0
Midlands
Walk, you must have a friend you could go to.

Do you work, could you rent a bedsit?

What about some help for her? Medication isn't always the answers- very often it isn't
 

garnuft

Registered User
Sep 7, 2012
6,585
0
It's a very complicated web you're in....love and a roof over your head and poor Grandma, stuck in the middle of nowhere.
I think the best you can do, as you don't want to leave,
is be kind to Grandma, find time, make time, spend time with her, it's her home you're living in, you owe her some perks.

Keep time for yourself too, don't get me wrong, I don't for one second think you should be there....
but you are and you want to stay there for now.
So I would try to make something good of all you have to deal with.

If it doesn't work out, if things get to hard, you must look after yourself first but you have a kind heart and for now you want to live there,
try to take things as they are, see how you feel, don't expect too much of your boyfriend, he is expecting too much of you,
but if you want to be there, you can go with the flow and help poor Gran out too,
but don't take on the burden, it belongs elsewhere.

I hope you manage to find a balance or a new place to live, it's not written in stone, it's your life, you can do whatever you choose. x
 

Wildflower

Registered User
Apr 6, 2013
227
0
Brighton
I am sorry for you that your own mum kicked you out and that she has serious problems of her own including being an alcoholic. You have already had to face up to the very real devastation that alcoholism has brought to you because of your mother's addiction, so please do not let the rest of your life be blighted by the dementia of your boyfriend's grandmother. You are still very young and already have a wealth of experience and understanding that many people far older than you have yet to understand, so please don't think you are being patronised. However, I think that any of us can lose the plot if we are in the middle of something so emotionally charged. You sound as though you love your boyfriend and don't want to lose him. If that is the case, get away from there because dementia will be your biggest enemy in sustaining a loving relationship with your boyfriend.

I feel that the main reason you are living there is that you can see no way of finding a home of your own. By saying that, I don't mean you don't care about your boyfriend's gran, but you must surely feel a need to live your own life, as all young people do.

To be blunt, would you care about your boyfriend's gran if he dumped you?

Sorry!!! ..... but just think about it.

You are obviously a very caring and thoughtful person with the very best intentions, but you have to think about yourself as well. Try to find a place of your own without all of this stuff going on. What is your boyfriend doing to help the situation. He's an electrician, he has a trade, he has a future, what is he doing living in his gran's council flat? Is he worth it?
 

Shash7677

Registered User
Sep 15, 2012
1,671
0
Nuneaton, warwickshire
Hi Rainbow,

I'm sorry about the situation you find yourself in it must be awful. Someone so young shouldn't have to be dealing with another families problems.

Where we live the council have something called 'you choose', it's a web page that can be used to find a house. They are private rentals and not council houses (although some may be). You fill in a queationairre about your situation and they let you know if they have anything suitable. You could also try ringing the council and explaining the situation. You don't have to name bf, family or anything but you could ask if they have any rentals for you.

You shouldn't have to be in the position you are in it is unfair. If you could move out do you think bf would too? Would bf mum and dad not rent their house out to you for a few months (I know they are separating).

I just wonder what bf's mum would be doing if you weren't there? There needs to be some form of formal diagnosis. Saying its 'old age' is just rot. The GP needs to be pushed, some are lazy, others don't understand dementia but, if bf's mum won't listen then I'm afraid your fighting a losing battle.

Have you a friend you could stay with for a while? Kip on a mates sofa? Not ideal I know but out of the environment you are in, you can see if yourself and bf's relationship settles down and you aren't being put on by his mum.

I hope you get sorted out.

Sharon x x
 

velocity

Registered User
Feb 18, 2013
176
0
North Notts
Hi If there is a housing association in your area, they might very well be able to help you if you explain your circumstances. Also Al Anon/sw might be able to give you support/advice, your bf might not be able to cope with his family problems and be able to give you the support you might need. :)
 

Wildflower

Registered User
Apr 6, 2013
227
0
Brighton
I also agree with everything Garnuft has said. I would also like to add, it's all very well all of us on here telling you to run, but if you have nowhere to run to, what do you do?

Perhaps some knowledgeable people on here can give you some practical advice.

Hugs xx