Letting go...

[gigi]

Thanks everyone..

As long as Eric is content and you are settled with the knowledge that he is being cared for to the best of anyones capability ,we can not ask for more.

Whenever I phone the CH they tell me that Eric is fine through the day...he eats well and chats and socialises.

But he is still very unsettled at night and is still disturbing the other residents.

I've learned today that the Zopiclone is not having the desired effect and the manager of the CH has phoned Eric's CPN to ask for further advice...and her input.

I'm just a bit concerned because the manager is not consulting me first...

This is probably down to me...I haven't yet adjusted to the fact that Eric is in permanent care and am still not sure how or where I fit in.

It's a huge adjustment and I'm keeping myself busy with decorating...( physically exhausting but very cathartic)

Love xx

 

[sistermillicent]

I feel slightly nervous responding to one of your posts as I feel I can't suggest much - but it might be that the manager of the home wants not to worry you. She/He is wrong, of course, you should be consulted, and I am sure you have made this very clear. As a nurse looking after children at school I sometimes am made to feel as if I am bothering the parents when I ring them about something, I should just be getting on with it, they say. (very rude, and I still ring anyway)

As to where you fit in, well the care home is there solely for the purpose of looking after the residents on behalf of the relatives, unless I am much mistaken, so you definitely have a say in how things are done for your husband.

Why does so much have to be a battle?

I am glad Eric is ok during the day though,

love
Pippa

 

[gigi]

Hello Pippa,

I feel slightly nervous responding to one of your posts as I feel I can't suggest much -

...

Thanks for your reply and please...don't feel nervous about responding... It's good to hear from you and to hear your point of view.

but it might be that the manager of the home wants not to worry you.

I think you've probably hit the nail on the head with that comment...because I had "Carer Breakdown" they're currently taking on the responsibility of caring for Eric. Now I'm beginning to recover I'm questioning...

It's up to me..and it's not really a battle..I simply have to state my case and follow it through.

Love xx

 

[Sam Iam]

Hiya Gigi,
Pippa is probably correct and that is lovely that they want you to feel safe in the knowledge that Eric is being
Well cared for.
Gigi, take care I am just recovering from decorating whilst mum was away on holiday, tiring but very cathartic, our hall looks sooooo good and I am being all housey again although housework is not very high on my priority list

 

[oldsoulchild]

was so nice to read your message
just last week i made the phone call ive been dreading, asking to get the ball rolling to put mam into residential, reading your post has made me feel better about it
big hugs

 

[Winnie Kjaer]

Hello Gigi,
You named this thread "letting go" and perhaps that answers some of the question.

When you had carers breakdown you did want to let go and could not overlook how you would ever be able to manage. Now you are recovering you probably realise that you don't really wish to "let go", but very much want to be involved in your husbands care, which of course is how it should be.
The care home should the way I see it, take care of his immediate needs, like washing, feeding and generally making sure he is safe and stimulated. The bigger issue are a different matter, they should contact you before they contact anybody else, unless it is an emergency, when they should tell you at the earliest possible moment.

I am sure they are protecting you, so if you politely state that now you feel better and are back on top you wish to be 100% involved in decisions made about your husbands future care.

I am sure you will soon find YOUR place in all this. You are your husbands wife and can therefore do as much or as little as you wish. You should be able to come and go as you please and not feel strange at all. Are you getting to know the Manager and the staff and what about the other residents? It sounds like you are not yet part of their "family" but as your husband is you very much need to be IMO.

I hope you soon feel more relaxed about it all I am sure it will come naturally a little at the time.

Take care

 

[Starshine]

Hi Gigi
So lovely to read your post! there are excellent caring homes out there, so now you can relax at last, knowing that Eric is safe and cared for in a loving atmosphere. So glad for you.
Starshine x

 

[gigi]

I visited Eric thisafternoon....knowing that the manager was on duty and I'd be able to chat to her..which I did and she impresses me.
Our CPN had contacted her to a) ask how Eric was settling..and b)tell her she was now crossing him off her books as he was "out of area"

The manager wasn't happy about having no CPN coverage for Eric and told her just that..and has requested that our CPN formally transfers Eric to the local team..which she can do and if she does, it will save a lot of time and re-referring. Very sensible.

Generally they are "enjoying" Eric's company...

And they are allowing him space and freedom to wander within limits..he didn't wander here at home, but you never know, do you, how things change from day to day.

It seems that late yesterday afternoon Eric had finally worked out how to open the front gate..(it's quite complicated and needs both hands ..one to pull a chain and one to turn a knob)

By the time they noticed he was missing he was a long way down the road..with his zimmer frame..(he does look and seem physically very well..much better than when I was looking after him..)
Anyway..there is now a secondary lock on the gate thanks to Eric..
His nights aren't so bad..they're coping with perhaps 2 nights a week when he doesn't sleep...but they're ok with that.

He is a different Eric to the one I "let go".

He didn't seem particularly pleased to see me today...tea and cigarettes were high on his agenda..the tennis didn't interest him..and worst of all..he wanted to come home with me..

I told him I'd not been well and needed a bit more time to recover..and he said he would help me.

But Eric is worried as both his brother and his sister(and they're both dead) have been to see him and have both told him that I'm having an affair....

The first thing that came into my mind was to tell him that he was in the best place for him to be looked after and he agreed, thankfully. And I denied the affair..gave him a huge hug and kiss and pledged my undying love..and reminded him that we were married.

TBH..I'm sure this "affair" thing has come into Eric's mind as an explanation as to why we're not together..but it doesn't sit easy with me.

None of it does.

However..I can't tell you how relieved I am to be home tonight and not have to cope with the demands that I know would be a reality if Eric was still here with me.

His dementia is moving into a different stage and there is no way that I could handle it.

Love xx

 

[ROSEANN]

Oh Gigi
You could have been writing about my visit to `J`.
For two days he has not known me, thinks I am his sister.
Today he told me his mum and dad (dead for 20 years) had told him to get the police onto his wife as she was having an affair with a naval officer and she needed sorting out
I was also to tell her he wanted all his money so he can go traveling.
What a life we live.
All the best
Roseann

 

[gigi]

she was having an affair with a naval officer and she needed sorting out

Hi Rose...I'm bemused.. Naval Officers seem to be the order of the day... For the life of me I cannot think why Eric would think I'm having an affair with a Naval Officer..

And now you, too...

What a life we live, indeed!

Hope you're ok.

Love xx

 

[larivy]

gigi glad Eric seems to be settling in well
pleased you had a nice break
can you introduce me to the naval officer
keep well love larivy

 

[gigi]

can you introduce me to the naval officer

Sorry, Larivy...he's busy with Roseann and me just now...

Love xx

 

[gigi]

4 weekly review....

Where does the time go?

I've had a tough time since my last visit to Eric... For some reason the panic and anxiety attacks returned with a vengeance.

However..today we had the official 4 weekly review with the Care Home Manager and our SW.

Eric has settled well..much better than they expected...
They are more than happy to keep him with them on a permanent basis..in fact the manager said they would all miss him if he left... Apparently he serenades certain members of staff..holding their hands, gazing into their eyes and singing love songs to them! He talks about golf, and me..but never once has asked to go home. And he readily accepts their help with personal care.
No more escape attempts..(they have a secondary lock on the gate now which Houdini would take a while to figure out!)
He does still have 2 or 3 sleepless nights, in spite of the Zopiclone..but looks well cared for and is eating well.

He was delighted to see me thismorning..I had a hug and a kiss.. But he still thinks that I'm having this affair..(sorry Larivy..no mention of naval officers this time!) I told him it was a load of rubbish..and he accepted it for the now...but not without saying that divorce was always a possibility and he would go down that road if there was evidence..

To cut a long story short..I'm reassured that Eric is much better cared for where he is than he was here with me. He is more upbeat, has more stimulation and has a routine. He has his own room which is lovely..with an ensuite wet room. I've taken in special photos, his table and sketch pad..next visit he will have his own mugs for his tea and coffee.. and some white wine to go into the fridge..his Harmonica (I never told you about that..because I'd hidden it..)..and I'm working on acquiring an electronic keyboard for him to have there.

It does seem that his new home..which is what the Care Manager called it (she also said that she hoped that I would one day feel that I was part of Eric's home too)...has given Eric a quality of life that I alone could not do.
I'm not so anxious about visiting now..and if I want to have lunch with him I can phone in the morning and say I'm coming in for lunch..and they will lay a table for the 2 of us so we can be together.

Of course it will never be perfect..but quite frankly..it's starting to feel much better than the life we were living here..which had become a nightmare.

Love xx

 

[Grannie G]

Good news gigi. It shows the time was right.

 

[susiesue]

I am so pleased Gigi - Eric sounds so settled now and that must be a relief for you.

Of course there is always a little bit of us that wishes we could have made them more content at home, but it just wasn't going to happen - I feel the same way and that is why I feel guilty - why couldn't I have done the same for David.

Oh well I am delighted you are feeling more relaxed about things and I must say the home sound very obliging - enjoy your lunch!!!

Lots of love

 

[Beezed]

Dear Gigi,

I am so pleased that Eric is settling in his new home. You have had such a hard time. Hope you are taking good care of yourself.

Love,
Jeanne

 

[Nan2seven]

Dear Gigi,

"Of course it will never be perfect, but frankly it's starting to feel much better than the life we were living here ... which had become a nightmare." I was so pleased to read your to-day's post, and especially, of course, the line above.

The home itself sounds nice, and the staff and the manager, and you must be feeling at long last as though you can now breathe out - the holding your breath stage is finally over. (And I was sorry to read about the return of the panic and anxiety attacks.) You must be feeling very reassured after to-day's review.

Thinking of you and sending love, Nan XXX

 

[Izzy]

Wow - that is fantastic news. Izzy x

 

[Jo1958]

Gigi, hi
It might just be me but I'd be feeling a wee bit patronised if my husbands new care home talked to me like that, I'm sure they mean well and if you are happy with the way things are for your Eric then they can be forgiven. Please forgive me if I've got this very wrong but I do wish you well and lots of patience with how this changing world is evolving for both of you.
Kind regards, Jo

 

[Mameeskye]

Gigi

Eric sounds very settled which you cannot help but be grateful for. The Nursing Home sound like they are doing a wonderful job.

My Mum was convinced that my Dad had run off. She had forgotten he had died (one of her earliest memories to completely disappear, and this was her brain's way of putting in something that fitted with her current situation. It had happened to her Mum and Dad. She had many of the staff in the NH convinced, until I told them what had happened, although even I checked with an elderly relative at the time to check if there ever had been any problems of which my brother and I had been unaware in earlier married life..but there had not been. The brain does not like holes and so confabulates.

(((hugs)))

LOve Mameeskye