Letting go...

[gigi]

A very upsetting visit....

Eric looks well..he responds well to the staff and seems relaxed and contented.

He wasn't particularly pleased or happy to see me today..so I left him sitting in on the "board meeting" for a bit while I took some things into his room.

I found a piece of paper on his table and had to really compose myself to carry on with the visit..he'd written our telephone number ..perfectly correct..and the wrong address..and his late wife's name..and a message..

"Please phone her and tell her to take me out of here..to take me home"

But he doesn't know where home is..he thinks we have a choice of 3.
And he thinks the year is 1944 or 1945..he's not sure.
In his mind he is in a prisoner of war camp...and has told me he would like to sneak a gun in and shoot the Germans because they are the enemy and they would do the same to him given half a chance. No emotion..spoken very quietly as if stating a fact.

And he still thinks I'm having an affair..

I left after a couple of hours because he was asking why he couldn't come home with me and I couldn't handle it. I made the staff aware and they diverted his attention.

The brain does not like holes and so confabulates.

So true.

Somehow I'll have to come to terms with this. Eric was "Eric" while he was at home with me..dementia or not. Dementia brought me to my knees..not Eric.

But now I'm seeing dementia and not Eric.

Does that make sense?

Sorry folks. It's a bit overwhelming just now...and for some reason I feel so alone with it.

Love xx

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Gigi and Kassy,
There are some days when we should cut our visits short. If we become upset, our loved ones will pick up on it (negative emotions seem to be easier for them to pick up somehow) and they may agitated and upset.

I had to cut my visits short in the past. That phase does change so don't get too downhearted. Your next visit may be wonderful - we never know what's around the corner.

 

[PostTenebrasLux]

Sending you love and support Gigi.
Your chronicle of Eric's situation and your reactions are very informative and paint such a proper picture, with the positive care circumstances around you. A real eye opener beautifully presented.
Wishing you strength and encouraging outlooks in your own life.
Support to you too Kassy.
Hugs,
Martina

 

[susiesue]

Gigi and Kassy

I do understand how you are both feeling. Gigi, I think you do so well to stay as long as you do - I can only manage half an hour with David who, as you know says nothing at all - we just sit together and then he wanders off.

I too can only see the dementia now and it is a very lonely feeling. There will be better visits I am sure - like the one I had the day before I went on holiday - they just don't seem to happen so much lately.

Love

 

[BeckyJan]

Oh dear Gigi, and Kassy:

I know the feeling too well. Now David has NO conversation at all (only with fairies, maybe!!).

It is so sad and lonely. I feel I have to stay for a decent visit - today I watched the golf on tv., fed David, had a doze and left!!!

Love

 

[sad nell]

gigi no wise wotds but sendomg you all my love and hopimg you have no further panic attacks. love Pam

 

[muse]

Hi Gigi

I've just caught up with this thread. I seem to be following in your footsteps just a few weeks behind. I can't believe I answered on this thread only about a month ago, talking about my new-found me-time on Saturdays. Since then Philip has also gone into permanent care, I couldn't cope any more, but that's where the similarities end. I was caught between replying here or starting a new thread, so I'll do both. For you, I just wish you all the strength on your path to finding your new life.

Lots of love and a big HUG - Kathy

 

[larivy]

Hi Gigi your still doing a great job look after your self love larivy

 

[lesmisralbles]

I am not going to explain myself

But now I'm seeing dementia and not Eric. Quote: gigi

Barb X

 

[jenniferpa]

Sorry Barb, that is entirely too cryptic for me. Look I'm not at all sure this is your intention, but when you leave these one line comments, then it can appear to be actively non-supportive, rather than supportive. Now that may be your intention, but you should make this clear. I'm all for people challenging the status quo, and making people think, but if you are too obtuse the rest of us have no idea what point you are trying to make. So could you preface your remarks with something like "I disagree" or even "I agree"?

 

[sunray]

I think in the early days with Mum in her Dementia Lodge I only saw the dementia, the awkward and anti-social behaviour, the personality changes etc. I think I was still in denial in a way and struggled to accept the changes as they occurred. I still wanted to see her "the way she used to be".

Then I tried to see Mum as she was that day, to be with her in her reality, to build a relationship that was based on both who she was in the past and who she was now. When I look at her now I still see both the vacant expression of today and the flickers of expressions that remind me of times past.

My sister asks why I bother visiting her as she doesn't know me, I always say it is because I know her so well, she will always be my mum no matter what, till death takes her away out of my sight at last. She is very much loved, nothing changes that, and as a daughter I owe her so much, she looked after me through sickness, through pregnancies, gave me her advice and her love. Now I try and repay that by giving her some one-on-one attention.

It is so hard to get our new relationship "right" to balance what it is to be a wife or daughter with what it is to be a casual observer of the overall situation. Gigi and all who have posted here I really feel for your present situation. Acceptance is the goal, but the path towards it is rough going.

Sue.

 

[Grannie G]

Dear gigi

Sorry your visit was so upsetting.

It took me back to the months of Dhiren refusing to acknowledge me, leaving the house to search for the `real Sylvia` and `real family` . Paul was the only person he recognized. Not much fun I know.

Only in January of this year I was following him at a safe distance, while he was out in the snow, wearing slippers, without a coat, accosting neighbours asking for their help to find his real family and his real wife.

I hope it wll be of some consolation for you to know this phase has passed.

Love xx

 

[DeborahBlythe]

Eric looks well..he responds well to the staff and seems relaxed and contented.

Hello Gigi, At least Eric seems contented to all intents and purposes. And it's good that he is looking well.

.. wasn't particularly pleased or happy to see me today..so I left him sitting in on the "board meeting" for a bit while I took some things into his room.

That was a good idea. Why not just pop in and out for as long as it takes to sum up the situation or to do the necessaries? Some days will be better than others, and if things are too upsetting then just go home and try another time.

Did you manage to get a keyboard for Eric? Is there a piano in the home?

I hope you are feeling a bit better today. x

 

[gigi]

Another week has flown by....

Slowly I'm emerging from a bad place...

Am keeping myself busy by decorating the house and sorting cupboards etc. as I go..(Grannie G would be proud of me...)

It's my way of coping and I'm enjoying letting the light back into our home. It's also hard work..currently I'm decorating the hall..I know the walls intimately, as today I've just finished the 4th and final coat of paint. ( A bit like Shirley Valentine...I have been talking to "Wall".. ) Tomorrow I tackle the 7 doors ..each will need 2 coats of undercoat before I can finally finish them.

Thismorning I visited Eric. He was sat at a table, with a cup of coffee in front of him , snoozing.
He looked well, just very sleepy. His "tobacco box" was in front of him and he'd been rolling cigarettes.
After I'd encouraged him to finish his drink we went outside so that he could smoke.

His mobility was very poor..he's very slow now, but still ok with his frame as long as he's supervised.

It was, for me, a much more pleasant visit. Gentle hugs and kisses were accepted but not returned. We did hold hands..

Eric couldn't understand why it was daylight at 11 o'clock..he thought it would be night-time if he was at home.

Not such an upsetting visit as last time. The ongoing affair was mentioned again.....but soon forgotten.

I left at lunchtime..and it was ok.

Staff tell me he springs into life about 4 in the afternoon...and then it's anybody's guess as to how things will be.
He normally is in bed by midnight but awake any time time from 4 in the morning onwards...singing and very lively.

Did you manage to get a keyboard for Eric? Is there a piano in the home?

No keyboard yet, Deborah. There isn't a piano in the CH and no room for Eric's to be taken over there.

I took his harmonica in today and although he "had a go" he wasn't awake enough to give it any justice. But he's probably driving them all nuts with it now!

Oh..."going home" was mentioned...but as in .."maybe I'll be well enough to go home tomorrow", which made it much easier for me. I just agreed.

Thankyou all for your supportive and helpful replies.

Love xx

 

[sad nell]

Gigi glad you are feeling better, are you covered in paint specks, i usually end up totally covered when rollering, resorted to goggles and a pair of old panties on my head last time i decorated, not a pretty site. Can just see Eric playing his harmonica, what type of music does he enjoy playing, It is so good to hear you more up beat, you have had me worried, hope you have a good day with your doors, what colour have you chose, I shall be fetching Trev home tomorrow and i have not done any of the things i intended except sort the VAT,that was not an option, take care love Pam

 

[PostTenebrasLux]

Busy

Hello Gigi,
How refreshing for you to be painting your home - a fresh lick of paint often lifts the mood, brings in a new air of "cleanliness" and this is for your own benefit! Think of the financial savings you are making by diy-ing - just imagine if you did not have the skill of decorator! Another chord on your bow.
One small step at a time and you seem to be finding a rhythm and your responses to Eric seem to flow more easily.
Best wishes for continued success.
Martina

 

[BeckyJan]

You are doing exceptionally well, Gigi - I am so pleased to hear you so much more upbeat. When you have finished the hall, then the lounge, you will be ready to tackle some of mine here

Eric seems to be doing well too so that must be some relief for you.

Keep it up Love

 

[ann vickers]

my husband is in care home he has settled down now he gets upset when i see him ,but i was told he is happy and no troble i see him every two days trying 2 make it 3 days has i have booked a hoilday in sep 4 aweek ,its going 2 be hard not seeing him that long ,but i know i need the break ,but i know he is looked after very well more then what i can do,now i feel its me time

 

[gigi]

Getting there....

Thankyou for your encouraging replies...at times it's felt like a really long and lonely road I've been treading. For some reason a lot of it I haven't felt like sharing..I needed to deal with it in my own way.

At times this has meant working to the point of physical exhaustion with the decorating (note to Pam..I managed to avoid wearing old knickers to cover my hair. The paint just looks like interesting hair colour!) Am now a dab hand with screwdriver and have taught myself how to take down and replace curtain rails. And door knobs..(not for the faint hearted...)

Thismorning for the first time in weeks..months even..I felt a return of me happening....

I have been talking this all through with a very good counsellor. Apparently I'm undergoing a "classic grieving response"...I'm comfortable with that. At times I really thought I was cracking up even more than I had done when Eric was first taken into emergency respite.

So..onwards and upwards. Tomorrow I'm hiring a skip so that I can sort out the garage...

Eric is generally settled. He still has his sundowning every day but his nights are less disturbed. My daughter and Lily came with me to see him on Friday. The CH have provided Eric with a keyboard and it was lovely to watch Eric and Lily picking out scales and tunes on it, their heads close together and Lily giving him the odd kiss on his cheek..which he responded to.
He also picked up my hand and kissed it and told me how much he loves me....and then asked me if it was true that I was seeing another man...

The CH phoned today to let me know Eric has had a fall, but is ok. My first reaction was to go over but they reassured me it wasn't necessary, and I trust them..so I didn't go.

In my own mind I know that once the "sorting" here is done, I'll be able to settle into a "life" again which will include Eric much more than it is just now.

For many years I forgot about "me" and put Eric (and others) first. Now I'm putting "me" first, regaining my strength and confidence and learning a lot about myself.

Onwards and upwards, as they say...!

Love xx

 

[larivy]

glad things are settling down now Gigi i know it has been very hard for you your last visit it seems Eric is settling well as well glad you are having some me time love larivy