Letting go...

burfordthecat

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Jan 9, 2008
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Leicestershire
Gigi

I'm so glad that you have "made" the first visit and it was a good one. Sounds as though Eric feels relaxed and feels almost as though he is at home.

I can fully understand how this must just be pulling you emotionally in all directions. Eric is fine, being well looked after and settled. Now it is time for you to take a deep breathe and starting thinking about yourself.

Love and hugs to you and Eric

Carina x x
 

Linda Mc

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Jul 3, 2005
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Nr Mold
So very pleased to read your post.... good to know Eric has settled so well :)

Time for you to relax now safe in the knowledge all is well.
 

gigi

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Nov 16, 2007
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East Midlands
It's great to read your responses..and to know that this news has reassured many of you.

Relief that the burden is shared, nose slightly out of joint that you are no longer in complete control.
I think Sue has hit the nail on the head for many of us.

I'm happy to relinquish the control and responsibility as long as I know that those who have taken over his care are doing just that..caring for him.

It is a huge adjustment and I've yet to learn where I fit in and what my new role will be. That will take time.

I'll be going over again on Saturday to take his wheelchair and some more bits and pieces. The manager likes the residents to get out in the summer and they usually take 2 wheelchairs and one walking resident with them when they go....:)

Amber..you're so right..I'm sure it's much harder for us to deal with than it is for them.

Love and thanks to each and everyone of you. Will keep you posted!

xx
 

Canadian Joanne

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Apr 8, 2005
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Toronto, Canada
Dear Gigi,
I'm so glad for you that things were so much better than you expected and in fact sound like they couldn't have been bettered.

Now is the time for you to take care of yourself. The time you spend with Eric will be about creating memories for you.

Please don't worry - here's my mantra on worry:

Worry is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
But it doesn't get you anywhere.

Take care.
 

gigi

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Nov 16, 2007
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Hello Joanne..

Worry is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
But it doesn't get you anywhere.
Thanks for the mantra..:)

I'm not a natural worrier but will pass these wise words on to my mother who is the original worrier. She worries if she has nothing to worry about...:D

For myself...

I cracked and broke...a bit like Humpty Dumpty...:rolleyes:

Just now is a time for recovery. Knowing that Eric is cared for makes a huge difference. Naturally it's hard not to fret about him at times...but realistically I know there will be no going back to that life and I'm honestly thankful.

It's now a strange new world.

One without Eric and carers and the constant being on call. Life was eternally busy...and without realising it I was under permanent stress as so many carers are. I somehow need to "fit in" again..and that will take time.

Today I applied for benefits over the phone. When I saw the GP on Tuesday he gave me a "sick note" and told me I am not fit to even consider returning to work yet...so needs must.

Tomorrow Eric's hospital bed, Mangar Cushion and Perching Stool will be collected by the Red Cross.

This is all about adjustment to change..and heaven knows there was enough of that when Eric was here and we were living through it, so I should be used to it by now...:rolleyes:

One day at a time!

Love xx
 

Sam Iam

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Sep 29, 2008
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WEST OF THE MOON
Gigi, I am so pleased you visit with Eric went well and that you saw he is being cared for this is a blesssing.
Best wishes to you and Eric xxxx
 

hazytron

Registered User
Apr 4, 2008
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SOUTH LAKES
Hi Gigi

So pleased to read that you are taking one day at a time. You have been through so much and have supported Eric so well.

Take care and stand back and smell the roses.

Love and Hugs
Hazel
 

Nan2seven

Registered User
Apr 11, 2009
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Dorset
Dear Gigi,

I shed a little tear as I read your first post on this thread. How relieved you must be feeling that Eric is doing so well in the new care home. His greeting sounded so reassuring in its ordinariness ("Sorry, Poppet, I've been asleep again"). He seems to have totally accepted his new surroundings and also - so important - have been totally accepted too. Which are both lovely for YOU.

You said more than once that he seemed peaceful - and your own peace of mind was also very clear in what you posted. Of course there are huge adjustments to be made, but now that you are reassured that Eric is in good hands, you can devote more of your time and energy to .... whatever you like - when you are ready.

Thinking of you and sending love,
Nan XXX
 

Helen33

Registered User
Jul 20, 2008
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Hi Gigi,

I know what you mean about a strange new world! It takes some re-orientation but, thank goodness, you have the time to do this:)

You've dealt with the sickness benefit today Gigi - another big step into this new world. One step at a time.

Love
 

gigi

Registered User
Nov 16, 2007
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East Midlands
A day of contrasts

Thismorning my daughter, H, and grandaughter Lily went off to visit Eric.

We took his wheelchair and some more clothes and bits and pieces for him. Lily was really looking forward to seeing Eric again..she has missed him.

I didn't spend much time with Eric..he was asleep in the lounge and there was a missing coat and wallet to chase up...:rolleyes:

H sat with him and held his hand while he dozed..he squeezed her hand and told her he was fine now that she was there..and asked her how her sons were. (She only has Lily)
I hugged and kissed him and remarked on the newspaper open on his lap..it was "the Sun" and open at Page 3...:rolleyes: He laughed and went went back to sleep.

Oh these are such early days and I'm finding it hard to fit in to this "visiting". I'm sure one day it will all fall into place.

Eric wasn't really "with us". I tried to get him to drink his coffee but he had a few sips and fell asleep again.

And then Lily got upset so we decided to go..because she set me off..and I was driving...:eek:

On the one hand Eric looks and seems very peaceful, settled and well cared for...and I couldn't ask for more. He's not distressed in any way.

But it is difficult to let go and to realise that someone else has taken over the care of someone you have loved and lived with and taken responsibilty for over the years.

After lunch in the garden at my daughter's house we walked round Lily's school Summer Fete..full of happy families and liveliness. I had a few tears as we mooched..H was lovely and we walked together with our arms around each other.

I couldn't ever have done anything like this if I was still caring for Eric...we even stopped outside the church on the way home to watch a wedding...:)

These are the "normal" things that everybody else does..I'd forgotten how it was.

Love xx
 

ChristineR62

Registered User
Oct 12, 2009
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NW England
Dear gigi, it does take time to adjust. Another week, and it will be six months since Mum went into the home, and it's only in the last few weeks - maybe a month - that I've felt myself coming out of the "rabbit caught in the headlights" feeling that caring for her was doing to me, and leading a mostly "normal" life.

It's taken longer than I thought it would to get to this stage, and I think that it's because I've had a hard time forgiving myself for having a "normal" life when Mum is in a home.

But there is something that I read or heard that David Suchet said to his brother John about his wife's life now that she is in residential care: he said that she has a new life now - not perhaps the life that she would have chosen, but it is the life she has. It made me see that the same applies to Mum, and I know that she's happy in this new life, that she's very well cared for, and I was told yesterday that she has never once asked when she's going home. I think that that says a lot for the suitability of the home for her needs.

I didn't force Mum out of the home she'd had for 70 years - that home became inadequate in the task of fulfilling her needs, whereas the home she has now does that. I'd even go so far as to say that she's thriving. While waiting for the consultant to see her yesterday, we changed her into the hospital gown, and she sat there and very neatly folded her jumper and cardigan, and it just made me think how good the care she's getting is for her, when she can sit there and carry out a task so precisely.

Gigi, it will take time for you to feel less and less raw about Eric going into residential care; you need to trust that the carers will see to his needs, and that takes time, it doesn't happen overnight. Once you do, you'll find that doing "normal" things becomes normal (without the quotes) again. Your time with Eric will be quality time, as mine with Mum is, and your time with your family will nourish you.

Love
Christine
xxx
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
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SW Scotland
Dear gigi, it's early days yet, very early, and remember Norman's mantra 'day by day'.

Already you're beginning to appreciate the freedom, albeit with a tinge of sadness at what might have been.

As for 'letting go', I haven't, and I can't. John is still my John, and my no 1 priority, and I have to consciously give myself permission to take a day off. I know that's not how it should be, and against all recommendations, but that's the way it is, my way.

You'll gradually work out your own 'my way', and whatever it is, it will be right for you. Just don't try to rush things, but take time to smell the roses. You;ll get there, though there will be many more tears along the way.

Love and hugs,
 

muse

Registered User
May 27, 2008
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Cambridge
Hi Gigi

I know you'll sort it out with your habits, interests and emotions, over time, rediscover what me-time is, what you need for yourself.

I'm so grateful that I'm getting a little practice on my Saturdays off. I feel normal and do normal things at work, but I'd forgotten what free time means and what you're supposed to do with it. Since the new arrangements, I've made contact with old friends again, I've enjoyed trips into town, having lunch in an out-door restaurant by myself watching the world go by, enjoying the buskers etc.

I'm still that one step behind you in that Philip is still at home, but I've learned so much from TPers' experiences and it's made a lot of difference to my life.

Look after yourself, eat well (because you're worth it), and take your time.

Big (((hug))) - Kathy
 

Nan2seven

Registered User
Apr 11, 2009
2,525
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Dorset
Dear Gigi - Your "Day of contrasts" made me smile and shed a tear at the same time - especially your final "I'd forgotten how it was." Consider yourself hugged.

Sending loads of love, Nan XXX
 

thatwoman

Registered User
Mar 25, 2009
1,050
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Merseyside
Dear Gigi, you have such a lovely daughter! I'm so glad she was there for you again, and able to help you take those first steps towards freedom.
It sounds as though Eric has a very good home, so now you need to concentrate on you. As others have said, it takes time to get used to having the time to do normal things.Six months ago I was still looking after (and living with) my husband's mother, and also being the main carer for my dad who lived alone in his own home, but was violent and confused all the time. MIL fell and broke her hip, and never walked again. She died very peacefully 2 months later, having had a heart attack while watching her favourite TV programme. So I don't feel any guilt about her, because we did everything we could for her. My dad had to go into hospital in January because he had pneumonia, but we couldn't let him go home again (and this is where the guilt comes in!) He has vascular dementia and has been a danger to himself and others for a while, but it was only when he went into hospital that I realised I couldn't go back to those endless nights of worry. His nursing home is lovely, the staff are very caring, but I still worry about him because that's what I do.
Last week I had my daughter and my grandchildren to stay, and I'm starting to get the hang of just doing what I want, but I still have the feeling I've forgotten to do something. We went to the wedding of a friend's son to my neighbour's daughter, and we stayed out till 2am! I haven't been able to do that in years! It felt good. But then you get the sadness. It's getting better, and I know it's early days, but don't be surprised if it takes longer than you expect. I'm starting to set myself little tasks: Go out for lunch without feeling guilty, go to the theatre and switch my phone off, that sort of thing. I hadn't even realised that I always keep my phone on, just in case. You can almost feel the weight lifting from your shoulders if you dare to do it! One day at a time. And some days you'll feel as if you're going backwards, but that's just because it takes time to accept how exhausted you've been.
Wishing you courage as you move towards your new life, love Sue x
 

gigi

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Nov 16, 2007
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East Midlands
Another visit today...

Thankyou for the kind support and the hugs..it really does help to read them..:)

And some days you'll feel as if you're going backwards, but that's just because it takes time to accept how exhausted you've been.
Spot on, Sue..! Just now I'm really having to pace myself..but there are times when I feel almost "normal"..:D

It's amazing how readily Eric seems to have accepted his surroundings.

A carer had just left him in the little lounge after sitting with him while he had a ciggie..so he was more or less awake.

He didn't look surprised or overjoyed to see me...just seemed to accept that I was there...although he did say he thought I'd been away rather a long time. (I didn't follow that one through)

He wondered how I'd managed to find him..how I knew which room he was in..and if I was going to take him to collect his winnings. Apparently he chose a number and he's won £50,000 ..:D

He's also been told by his sister..(who died 2 years ago) that I've got a new boyfriend and am having an affair with a Naval Officer..he wanted to know if my feelings towards him had changed. In which case it might be better if we postponed the wedding..:eek:

I told him I still loved him as much as ever but didn't enlarge on it..just gave him a hug and a kiss. And then it was lunchtime and I was dismissed.
My hug and kiss weren't returned..he dismissed me with a wave of his hand and I left feeling like a scarlet woman..:(

Of course I realise it's not really Eric.

The staff are very happy with him, he's well looked after and he does seem to have settled well in a short space of time...so there's a lot to be thankful for...:)

Love xx