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I'm just desperate

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,685
Dear DesperateofDevon, I relate to everything you say, everything. You mentioned wait of 18 months for counselling and I wanted to let you know about online NHS CBT available over most of the country, and I think also in Devon, which is available much more quickly. I was offered my first appointment for Monday, a month after self referral, and the long note I wrote during that process was very similar to your post. My OH has used this service and was very good. You and the therapist type your conversation, which you can of course take part in from home or wherever you wish. Hope it may be of help to you.
https://www.iesohealth.com/en-gb
Hi ,Thank you I will look into this. I had a couple of nervous/ carer breakdowns early 2018. My own GP was excellent not only in advice, but listening ; then my biological mum ( I am adopted )passed away after a 6 wk diagnosis & somehow that galvanised me into pushing SS etc for help
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,685
I thought I’d sleep on it as the saying goes.
So last night Mum rings to say that again people are watching her. She has proof as a large stone has been moved from infront of a rotten garden gate. The high winds & flapping gate couldn’t be the cause I ask.
No replies Aged mother. She says she knows how they are getting into the garden- not through the rotten gate but by crossing a four foot stream that borders her garden & climbing a steep muddy 18 ft bank & then climbing over the broken 6ft fence the last storm half blew down.

Patient daughter awoke from her sleep (that’s me!! Just incase you wondered!)
No Mum no ones doing that, apart from the badger you give your meals to instead of eating them!

Aged mother - no it’s not a badger! well I’m going to sit up all night & catch the men walking around my garden.

Yes of course you are mother! Here we go again. So I get out of bed & have a small G&T that hubby has kindly replenished in his secret shop while I slept along with chocolate, crisps & oh is that biscuits I spot in the back of the cupboard!!! Still at least I got a nice cuddle & those comforting words off hubby! - Well your Mums Bat s*** crazy
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,685
Next week hubby has booked a week off.
No I won’t be jetting off to have a luxurious & much needed holiday! Together hubby & I will be trying to persuade Aged mother that money is needed to be spent on maintenance of her property.

Mainly fencing in the whole property!

That way I can prove to the GP that Mums paranoia isn’t explainable!

Sadly Mum can cancel the work, but actually finding people now willing to undertake work & Mums attentions is becoming harder as her reputation is spreading!!!

I feel sorry for the carers who go in four times a day, but relief that it’s not me. Then a bit guilty & think am I doing enough, should I be doing more, have I done all I can do to ensure her safety.

Sadly I can’t watch over her 24 hrs a day ensuring she uses her walking frame, drinks enough water, eats meals & not just cakes! She’s an adult who I am informed has the capacity to make these decisions.

But is she an adult who can think through the consequences of her actions ?
Oh back to fluctuating capacity thread again!
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,685
Last night the phone rang late
Mother: where’s the cleaner
Me: she’s set up her own cafe, & her car broke down so she’s sharing her husbands vehicle.
Mother: well she managed before to clean my house
Me: yes, but her husband has lost his sight in one eye; & she’s not well herself so her friend is over from ************ to help her out as she’s waiting for an operation.
Mother: why didn’t you tell me this before
Me: I thought I did, sorry
Mother - puts phone down

Me: (silently screams into pillow ) I do tell you almost everyday

Loop the loop conversation
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,605
cornwall
Yep.I get that one! Mine is “What is for dinner?”Reply It is ......!..PWD.Looks at the clock.”Nearly 12.00” What’s for dinner”?(We cannot eat past 12.00,heaven above)..You just want to scream
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,685
Yep.I get that one! Mine is “What is for dinner?”Reply It is ......!..PWD.Looks at the clock.”Nearly 12.00” What’s for dinner”?(We cannot eat past 12.00,heaven above)..You just want to scream
Patience & understanding - but I’m human & frazzled mostly so a lot of teeth grinding going on!
Dental bills could be horrendous
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,685
Arghhh!
Mums left the key in the door!
Can’t get any answer - hanging off the door bell, what hope have I got ringing the phone!
Carers outside
Really don’t want to break in!!!
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,685
Left carers to it!
Otherwise I’d be on the end of Mums verbal abuse!!
Lesson 1 - it’s always my fault!
Lesson 2- pointless getting upset as Mum derives pleasure from that.
Lesson 3 - don't react! Or show emotion !!
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,605
cornwall
Dad fluctuates on his blaming level..I have got to the stage lately that I cannot be bothered any more.If the carers no more than me,then let them carry on.
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,685
It’s sad that you/ we get to this place/situation ; but I actually wish I’d stood back sooner with Mum.
I’ve been her enabler, wanting the best quality of life for her & striving to achieve it at the cost of my own health.
When in reality she’s happy as she is, the attention she gets from hospital stays etc are the highlight of her existence. Like going on a holiday! Personally I dream of holidays on warm balmy beaches with no mobile signal or telephones but hey ... each to their own.
I wouldn’t choose this for my Mum but it’s her choice to live this way & I have started to accept it & the consequences of her decision making that is backed by her GP.

I just hope when the next crisis occurs that the GP will take responsibility for Mums poor decision making & actually get a diagnosis sorted. The mental anguish is torturous at times, especially as I know when Mums had medical visitors as she wont answer the phone for days building up a head of steam as she’s aware of our concern for her welfare.
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,605
cornwall
It’s sad that you/ we get to this place/situation ; but I actually wish I’d stood back sooner with Mum.
I’ve been her enabler, wanting the best quality of life for her & striving to achieve it at the cost of my own health.
When in reality she’s happy as she is, the attention she gets from hospital stays etc are the highlight of her existence. Like going on a holiday! Personally I dream of holidays on warm balmy beaches with no mobile signal or telephones but hey ... each to their own.
I wouldn’t choose this for my Mum but it’s her choice to live this way & I have started to accept it & the consequences of her decision making that is backed by her GP.

I just hope when the next crisis occurs that the GP will take responsibility for Mums poor decision making & actually get a diagnosis sorted. The mental anguish is torturous at times, especially as I know when Mums had medical visitors as she wont answer the phone for days building up a head of steam as she’s aware of our concern for her welfare.
Dad is starting to sleep a lot in the afternoons now,because he is bored.Well,if he actually mixed with people and was more sociable and he consented to go to groups he might not be so bored now.He won’t have befrienders in ,or go out to a care home more than once a month for a bath.I can only take him out when I feel up to it.It is such a palaver Ramp,wheelchair ,taxi and then in reverse when coming back.So,as he is deemed to have “Capacity “ he will have to be bored ,I’m afraid!
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,685
I’m high five-ing you!
Yes I’ve got to the “well if you have mental capacity ....” bit
Only so much you can do?

No wonder my gin consumption is high!
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,685
So today the weather was awful, but nothing compared to the traffic!!!!
Holy mackerel!!!
It’s like a parking lot out there on the main roads!!! Can’t get down to visit Mum as the journey would take 5-6 hours going down & how longs a piece of string to get back!!!
Went to garage & back a journey of 45mins round trip took 3 an a half hours!!
:eek:o_O
Brucie Bonus got Betty ( my lovely green beetle) back - from amazing peeps who treasured her as much as I do!
Previous garage not been doing the work that they have been paid for! Naughty!
But now Betty no longer has holes in the exhaust, a cracked manifold etc......
:)
Rang mum as transport has been a really big issue with the mileage issue,Mum very depressed today. Cognitively she is better today & this aware of her problems. Don’t think that the large delivery of incontinence pads helped her self esteem much. :oops:

So good news that I’m back mobile, it means I can take the Aged dogs with me; Mum is more delighted usually to see them than me:D:D:D

What really got to me tonight was mum telling me during our many phone conversations how much she appreciates what I do for her......

So either she really means it & is having clarity about the whole situation....or historically she’s done something & is “soft soaping “ me??

Really want it to be the first on just for once;)
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,685
Can anyone hear you scream in cyber space?????
So not even a phone call but an email from SW, going to cut Mum back to 3 visits a day!!!
How on earth can the SW ask mum about going into residential care & then when she says no cut the late night care package- to see how she gets on!!!!
Really - especially when I’ve clarified again that Mum doesn’t want to go into residential care; but wants to stay in her own home!!!!
Arrrgh!
Yes I emailed all the facts ....
why ?
I don’t know ????
I expect it will result in another “crisis” but it will be of the authority’s making!!
Safeguarding anyone..,....

Thanks
Vent over!