It’s very hard isn’t it, because moving her would be such a palaver by the sound of it. And with uncertain results. I totally sympathise - in the main I am happy with my mother’s care home but I still have visits when I think ‘uuurgh’ - disappearing toothpaste and mysteriously appearing strange knickers, and also during the heatwave I visited and mum had on FOUR layers of jumpers that nobody seemed to have noticed she’d put on (least of all her, of course, and to be fair she wasn’t complaining) , which is a bit tough when one considers the home’s fees! But I sort of grit my teeth as in the main it’s very much ok. Now I have written it, I don’t think my reply to you is that helpful exactly, but I just wanted to say - I get where you’re coming from!
'If I get like that, put me in a home'
- Thread starter Sarasa
- Start date
It`s a difficult one @Sarasa.
Would your mum be any happier in a home where she had more company? Would a move confuse her? Would you be able to visit as frequently?
Unless you are absolutely sure the other home would provide improved care it might be better to ask the present home if they could try to encourage your mum to get up and sit in the communal rooms more often.
Would your mum be any happier in a home where she had more company? Would a move confuse her? Would you be able to visit as frequently?
Unless you are absolutely sure the other home would provide improved care it might be better to ask the present home if they could try to encourage your mum to get up and sit in the communal rooms more often.
I think some people with dementia just prefer to be in their rooms.
My mum was a very sociable person and liked to be with other people, but when OH went into respite I think he just stayed in his room all the time and was very happy.
My mum was a very sociable person and liked to be with other people, but when OH went into respite I think he just stayed in his room all the time and was very happy.
My mother in law was happy in her room. I think she thought it was her lounge at home. Rarely joined the others for meals, she was 98 and near the end of her journey, passed away peacefully in April after 8 months in the home
Thank you for your thoughts everyone. I think mum is happier in her room, I just worry that she doesn't get much attention. For instance they seem to leave some toast for her and then go away. Mum is capable of feeding herself, but I think without encouragement she doesn't bother.
I'm talking to my brother this afternoon and I'll try and get him to come up and visit very soon. He hasn't seen mum since March 2019 because he was so ill for so long, and then when he did get here at Christmas the home was closed due to Covid. I think it would be useful to see what he thinks.
I'm talking to my brother this afternoon and I'll try and get him to come up and visit very soon. He hasn't seen mum since March 2019 because he was so ill for so long, and then when he did get here at Christmas the home was closed due to Covid. I think it would be useful to see what he thinks.
Yes my dad one of those who is happier - and much calmer - in his room. However they do get him up and dressed and he's usually in his chair when I've been in so far.
Also it is a small home but they are always popping in to check on him and feed him tea, biscuits, water etc and they obviously do monitor what he eats and drinks and he's still very good at both although a bit of a messy eater these days...
Also it is a small home but they are always popping in to check on him and feed him tea, biscuits, water etc and they obviously do monitor what he eats and drinks and he's still very good at both although a bit of a messy eater these days...
Mum spent most of her 3 years in the care home in her room (Apart from the first year when she could often be found in reception, bags packed and trying to escape.) She refused to sit in the lounge where activities took place and wouldn't eat in the dining room. I was also concerned about her missing out on things but whenever I suggested anything I got the Dementia No - 'Why would I want to play bingo?' or ''They're all stupid in there.' or when there was entertainment, 'I don't want to listen to that racket!' So I left her to it. But the activities lady was very good with her and would frequently go and spend some time with her or paint her nails in her room.
It's always difficult with care homes and never ideal!
Mum was awake today when I visited, after being asleep the few times before. She seemed quite cheerful though I couldn't understand much of what she said.
I'm still not happy about some aspects of the home. Her TV was on, but mum can't actually see well enough to understand what was on. I keep on asking them to put on music for her instead. Her fingernails were filthy again. I know they find it hard to get her to co-operate, but I'm worried she's going to get ill from eating with such dirty nails, not that she seems to eat a great deal anyway.
It made me laugh when they proudly told me they put on the Queen's funeral for her. Mum is/was a died in the wall republican who loathed the Royal family!
I'm still hoping my brother can come and visit sometime soon, I think I need someone else to visit with me and help me judge if I'm just being too fussy. I don't want to ask my husband at the moment as his mum's just died, and I think he's had his fill of care home visiting for the time being.
I'm still not happy about some aspects of the home. Her TV was on, but mum can't actually see well enough to understand what was on. I keep on asking them to put on music for her instead. Her fingernails were filthy again. I know they find it hard to get her to co-operate, but I'm worried she's going to get ill from eating with such dirty nails, not that she seems to eat a great deal anyway.
It made me laugh when they proudly told me they put on the Queen's funeral for her. Mum is/was a died in the wall republican who loathed the Royal family!
I'm still hoping my brother can come and visit sometime soon, I think I need someone else to visit with me and help me judge if I'm just being too fussy. I don't want to ask my husband at the moment as his mum's just died, and I think he's had his fill of care home visiting for the time being.
cant they soak them in some nice warm water and maybe a bit of moisturizer in a little bowl. that would soften the nails and they could be cleaned more easily
I've read back through all of this year's posts. Not sure my comments will help.
I think if your brother does visit it is so long since he's seen your mum that he's going to find it hard to process the changes and he won't be in a position to provide an opinion. He's been through a traumatic time.
Your mum is feisty with personal care and it sounds like the carers aren't able to get her nails clean. This could be because they feel it's enough for everyone once they've done the basics.
My mum was being difficult with personal care and the home spoke to the go who visits weekly. He made a mental health referral and the cpn came out to see mum. She was initially prescribed a low dose anti depressant as they felt she had a low mood and this needed addressing. This made a big improvement and they increased the dose but didn't move her to anything stronger (which had been the plan).
So maybe see if medication review would ease personal care which might mean they can tackle her nails. I don't think it acceptable that they aren't clean.
The staying in bed issue wouldn't worry me unduly as part of the progression is sleeping but it sounds like she might need more support to eat.
It takes a lot of mental energy to change the status quo and I should have moved my mum to a home sooner. My brother is an invisible and my husband doesn't want to get involved so the only one who was going to make the change was me. In the end my hand was forced by the care agency.
I think it would be worth arranging a meeting with the manager to review the care plan and ask about a medication review, query the dirty nails and ask about food being left with your mum.
But given you've been concerned about the same issues for 6 months it might be worth looking at other homes and asking how they would approach things. It depends on how well you think the current carers have got to kow your mum. I know that it is harder for you to visit her somewhere else.
I think if your brother does visit it is so long since he's seen your mum that he's going to find it hard to process the changes and he won't be in a position to provide an opinion. He's been through a traumatic time.
Your mum is feisty with personal care and it sounds like the carers aren't able to get her nails clean. This could be because they feel it's enough for everyone once they've done the basics.
My mum was being difficult with personal care and the home spoke to the go who visits weekly. He made a mental health referral and the cpn came out to see mum. She was initially prescribed a low dose anti depressant as they felt she had a low mood and this needed addressing. This made a big improvement and they increased the dose but didn't move her to anything stronger (which had been the plan).
So maybe see if medication review would ease personal care which might mean they can tackle her nails. I don't think it acceptable that they aren't clean.
The staying in bed issue wouldn't worry me unduly as part of the progression is sleeping but it sounds like she might need more support to eat.
It takes a lot of mental energy to change the status quo and I should have moved my mum to a home sooner. My brother is an invisible and my husband doesn't want to get involved so the only one who was going to make the change was me. In the end my hand was forced by the care agency.
I think it would be worth arranging a meeting with the manager to review the care plan and ask about a medication review, query the dirty nails and ask about food being left with your mum.
But given you've been concerned about the same issues for 6 months it might be worth looking at other homes and asking how they would approach things. It depends on how well you think the current carers have got to kow your mum. I know that it is harder for you to visit her somewhere else.
That is a very useful analysis @jugglingmum. I had a meeting with the manager a couple of months ago and she did say to get back to her with any concerns, so I'll do that. I think another concern is I've never seen the carers interacting with the residents on mum's floor. OK they are all pretty advanced in their dementia, but they don't seem to be checking they're comfortable. Mum's previous care home wasn't perfect, and I think in a lot of ways mum looks better groomed in this one, nails notwithstanding. However, the lovely principal carer on her floor was always chatting to the residents and playing the piano for them.
I'm in two minds about pushing my brother to visit. I think he will be devastated when he sees her decline, but I think he'll feel awful if he doesn't see her at least one more time. My husband thinks I should discourage him from coming so he remembers mum as she was, I'm not so sure.
I'm in two minds about pushing my brother to visit. I think he will be devastated when he sees her decline, but I think he'll feel awful if he doesn't see her at least one more time. My husband thinks I should discourage him from coming so he remembers mum as she was, I'm not so sure.
I went to see mum today and wonders of wonders she was up and sitting in the lounge. All the residents on her floor are pretty advanced, but I feel it is much better for her to be up and about even if nothing much is happening.
I still have my doubts about the place, but don't think any of the other options would be worth the hassle of moving her.
I still have my doubts about the place, but don't think any of the other options would be worth the hassle of moving her.
This is a really difficult conundrum - and in total I think depends on how your brother is as to how you approach this.
Your brother has been through an awful lot and your approach to this is about his mental health now and in the future. Can you speak with his wife to sound things out before speaking to him?
My brother hadn't visited my mum for a while and he kept saying he was planning to - I pushed him to visit before her care home move as she might be unsettled for a while after it - I described her on a bad day, she wasn't having a bad day so he felt he did pretty well out of the visit in total - the first one for over 3 years due to can't be arsedness - suspect he might not visit again. His problem as I don't expect to see him again except at mum's funeral.
Different circumstances but I think you need to make your brother fully aware of what your mum is like before any visit.
It's been a while since I updated this.
The care home are now getting mum up and into the lounge most days which is good, though as mum really can't interact with anyone anymore, she's just sitting there. However I think it is better for her than her being in her room. Today I dropped off some clothes for Christmas, but need to go back with a few more things before Christmas Day.
I went and spent the night with my brother and family a week or two back. He stayed up till two talking about various things including whether my brother should come and visit mum. His wife thinks he should, my husband thinks he shouldn't, I said he'd probably be very shocked, but it was up to him. He keeps on saying he'll come up, but between his dodgy health, and the fact his wife is working away a lot so he needs to be there for their son I'm not sure when it will actually happen.
In other news the sale of my mother in law's house went through today which was a relief.
The care home are now getting mum up and into the lounge most days which is good, though as mum really can't interact with anyone anymore, she's just sitting there. However I think it is better for her than her being in her room. Today I dropped off some clothes for Christmas, but need to go back with a few more things before Christmas Day.
I went and spent the night with my brother and family a week or two back. He stayed up till two talking about various things including whether my brother should come and visit mum. His wife thinks he should, my husband thinks he shouldn't, I said he'd probably be very shocked, but it was up to him. He keeps on saying he'll come up, but between his dodgy health, and the fact his wife is working away a lot so he needs to be there for their son I'm not sure when it will actually happen.
In other news the sale of my mother in law's house went through today which was a relief.
Thanks for the update
Always difficult to know whether its better to visit or not
Glad the sale has gone through
Always difficult to know whether its better to visit or not
Glad the sale has gone through
Mum seems to have settled back into the care home after her trip to hospital with no bother. I called in to see her on Friday. She seemed less alert than she had done in hospital and her poor hands and arms were purple due to the various drips she'd had while she was being checked out there. They had to change her oral anti-biotics to crushable ones to give covertly as she wouldn't take the tablets.
As the home is still in semi-lockdown due to Covid I phoned rather than visited today. The carer said mum was OK, in that tone of voice that means someone isn't really. However I don't think she is any worse than before she went in, except perhaps she may have lost the limited mobility she had.
I've sent some daffodils in for her. In one of her more poetic moments she said 'Daffodils are back in Marks and Spencer and I've lived another year to see them'. I doubt she'll remember that, but I do and I guess at this stage that is the most important thing.
I hope I get a call sometime soon regarding the discharge notes from the hospital.
As the home is still in semi-lockdown due to Covid I phoned rather than visited today. The carer said mum was OK, in that tone of voice that means someone isn't really. However I don't think she is any worse than before she went in, except perhaps she may have lost the limited mobility she had.
I've sent some daffodils in for her. In one of her more poetic moments she said 'Daffodils are back in Marks and Spencer and I've lived another year to see them'. I doubt she'll remember that, but I do and I guess at this stage that is the most important thing.
I hope I get a call sometime soon regarding the discharge notes from the hospital.
Im glad your mums back. She may improve a bit as she is still on the antibiotics.
Mum loved daffodils - they were her favourite flowers
xx
Mum loved daffodils - they were her favourite flowers
xx
its the sign spring is round the corner and warmer weather is getting closer.
glad your mum has settled back. better than in the hospital
glad your mum has settled back. better than in the hospital
