I need words of encouragement and support

[jeany123]

I need words of encouragement and support please, as you may know my husband Allen is going for 5 nights respite tomorrow, he doesn't know,
Last time I never told him he was going until that morning and it went ok but it doesn't seem right keeping things from him,
Even though I know it's what's best but I still keep going to tell him, I know some of you will think "just get on with it" it is easy to say but not so easy when it is me doing it,
He looked so confused and puzzled last time when I told him as he got up that morning,
I know that it is for the best and saves him a lot of stress and agitation but I have the stress instead,
I feel quite ill at the thought of telling him, life is unfair isn't it,

 

[PeggySmith]

Life is very unfair, Jeany. Most of us hate lying and prevaricating and yet we do it to our nearest and dearest to keep them safe and happy. Dementia is pants.

I'm sure it will be fine and I know you're doing the right thing no matter how bad you feel about it.

 

[Izzy]

You're so right Jeany. It is unfair. I told Bill that E was to be staying with him while I was away recently (respite at home) but he forgets it instantly so I suppose in some ways that's easier.

I hope it goes well for you. x

 

[1954]

Oh jeany123, life is very unfair, horrible. I know my MIL was different as she's not my partner and emotions are different. But I said nothing absolutely nothing. I made up a story when we went to the CH for her respite. But you must do what you have to do.

I do think for Allen it will be more puzzling if you told him so early on. Maybe when you get there if you have to say anything

Its not easy

Its not fair

But you need to recharge your batteries so that you will be better equipped to care for Allen

 

[1954]

I forgot to say I then fell to pieces when she said to me 'you are leaving me here aren't you?

 

[chris53]

Hello Jeany, just wanted to acknowledge your post - not read and run can only send you good wishes for Allen's respite and hope very much you can switch off, if only for a few minutes each day, I only have my mum and mum in law to have guilt monsters with, can only say if it was my husband it would be far more harder.....be kind to yourself Jeany, Allen will be looked after and it may give you time to recharge your batteries.
Sending you warm wishes, peace of mind and a gentle hug
Chris x

 

[ceroc46]

Hi jeany123,

I have to say I don't tell my mum anything big that effects her. Depending on her mood, it would worry her and make her even more agitated. Even when she's gone into respite I haven't told her until we are in the room I then tell her she's in a hotel for a few days. So far, thank God, it has been ok.

She's having her second cataract op next Thursday and I'll tell her when we get to the hospital. If she gets agitated, it makes me edgy, so this is the way I cope. I don't feel guilty not telling her, because I haven't 'upset' her by telling her something that potentially might frighten her.

 

[Acco]

Whatever you do will be the right thing in the interest of both of you but I know how difficult it is to not be completely open and honest at the first moment, just as you would have done had the situation been normal. I hate delaying telling my wife what we are going to be doing when it involves something which I know will possibly cause her concern or uncertainty, but I do it knowing that it will cause that distress over a shorter period. On occasions I now tell her a white lie in saying that I am poorly and need some help (not far from the truth with the stress and strain of caring) so this is what is happening (explaining to her) and then ask her if she will help me. So far she has always said yes, and appears to feel better in herself in being asked to help. I still feel awkward in making such statements to her but know that in the end it will help both of us.
It is a shame we have to do these things but I believe it becomes a necessary evil brought about by the situation we face, not because we like to do it. Keep your head up and try not to beat yourself up over having to do what is best under the circumstances. I hope it all works out well for both of you.

 

[rajahh]

I do understand as I have done it 3 times to Gordon now, and it does not get any easier.

However telling him the night before will not really achieve much will it? If I did that to my husband it would mean long conversations with lots of reassurances, and then in the morning we would go through the same thing again.

Try to keep calm even if it is only on the outside.

Jeannette

 

[CollegeGirl]

Hi Jeany, just wanted to give you some more words of encouragement and support to add to those of the others.

None of us would ever think 'Just get on with it'. We all know how hard it is, so please don't worry on that score.

It's obvious how much you love and care for Allen and if it wasn't absolutely necessary you wouldn't be taking him to respite. But needs must, and you are just as important as Allen, and need to care for yourself a little bit, too.

Much love and lots of big hugs. Be brave. We'll be thinking of you tomorrow xxx

 

[Sue J]

Dear Jeany

Thinking of you and hope that you and Allen both benefit from your well needed respite. It is so hard as it goes against the grain for you but is brought about because of this horrid illness.

Not much help but thinking of you
love
Sue

 

[2jays]

Thinking of you Jeany

Loads of support for tomorrow xxxx

 

[turbo]

Hello jeany, yes it is unfair and not the way you or Allen would want things to be. I'll be thinking of you both tomorrow morning.

 

[Noorza]

On a positive note, you will have time just for you which all of us need from time to time. A stronger, recharged you will be far more useful than if you're exhausted.

I hope the morning goes well and you if not "enjoy" the respite, at least benefit from it for yourself.

 

[Dazmum]

Lots of support and encouragement from me to you Jeany. It is incredibly hard to tell someone something they won't want to hear or understand, and I'm not surprised you feel the way you do. I do think you're right not to tell him until the morning, and I too will be thinking of you xxxx

 

[Saffie]

it doesn't seem right keeping things from him,

I know it doesn't Jeany but it will be better for Allen. That's what you have to hold on to. If you told him earlier would he remember? If not, then there is no point in doing so; if he would, he might worry or keep on about it. The way you are and have been doing it is better all round.
I tried to tell Dave about him going to the nursing home - or convalescent home as I called it (see- another lie!) when he was moving there from the hospital but I don't know whether he really understood. He just looked so bewildered when I arrived and saw him sitting there in the lounge. This illness makes liars of us all, Jeany, but we only become so to help, in our case, our husbands.
You need a break and so deserve it. Allen will be fine. XXX

 

[nellbelles]

Jeany

I inadvertently let it slip to Tom that he is going for respite next week while I shut the caravan up!

We have swung from no-way to of course I will, from I hate that place to they look after me well..

Now he has forgotten and I have a day from hell..

You know Allen best, if you think you should wait till Friday, stick with your instincts.

This is about you as well, to enjoy your break you don't need extra stress.

Is it possible for someone to go with you when you take Allen, I find it helps me and distracts Tom.

Love and Hugs Helen xx

 

[jeany123]

I would like to thank you all for your kind words,and taking the time to reassure me, the mini bus that comes for Allen for the day centre takes him in the morning I don't go with him, I have to have him, his bags and medication ready, I don't have to worry about getting him there, I will tell him as soon as he wakes up, fingers crossed that he doesn't get too upset,

Jeany x

 

[SisterAct]

Hi Jeany
I feel so sorry that you have to even be in this position but whatever you do Jeany you always put Allen first.
You are a star
Hope all goes well tomorrow xx

 

[winda]

You need your break Jeany and you are dealing with it in the best way possible by telling Allen in the morning rather than tonight. It is the kindest thing to do.

I hope you are able to relax and regain your strength whilst he is away.