I miss my mum

[Gemziemoo84]

Hi, my mum has recently been diagnosed with alzheimer's..

I'm really struggling to process this and feel so upset everytime I visit her. I keep it together whilst I'm there but always fall apart on the way home.

I can't help shift the feeling that "I miss my mum"

She has lost all of her magic and sparkle and what made her my mum!

Please is anyone else experiencing this weird grieving for someone who isn't dead!

 

[Lyde]

I totally understand how you are feeling. My dad is not my funny,loving dad who would do anything for anybody. Sadly, dad went into residential care in July and I really want the staff to know what a wonderful human being he was before dementia arrived. We are finding photos of happier times are a really good focus for us.

 

[sal1969]

Hi, my mum has recently been diagnosed with alzheimer's..

I'm really struggling to process this and feel so upset everytime I visit her. I keep it together whilst I'm there but always fall apart on the way home.

I can't help shift the feeling that "I miss my mum"

She has lost all of her magic and sparkle and what made her my mum!

Please is anyone else experiencing this weird grieving for someone who isn't dead!

 

[canary]

Please is anyone else experiencing this weird grieving for someone who isn't dead!

Yes, we all understand this. Its called Anticipatory Grief
xxx

 

[ScaredyCat]

I should imagine every single one of us feels exactly the same. I suppose I just sort of got used to it over the years. Having said that, it was still full of stress, tears and depression on my part. It's become normal to me now to expect to see mum very anxious and suffering from dellusions and paranoia ( she's in a care home now). I have learnt to have no expectations when I visit.
Every now and then, out of the blue I remember my old mum who was full of life and very funny and can't comprehend how it has come to this. I often think my real mum has died along the way without us being aware of the moment the last little piece of her left her body. 😔

 

[Hermann]

I can't help shift the feeling that "I miss my mum"

She has lost all of her magic and sparkle and what made her my mum!

Please is anyone else experiencing this weird grieving for someone who isn't dead!

I went through this with my mother around fifteen years ago. By the time it was my father's turn around ten years later I had learned to accept the inevitability of it. I long ago accepted that my parents are not there to be my parents any more and I am here to play the double role of son and parent to them instead.

It may seem unnatural, but it isn't; it's just statistically unusual.

 

[tansywoo]

I used to call my Mum "my new Mum". She was diagnosed in February 2019 and went from being fun, happy and life and soul, to scared, unsure and aggressive. Even though she almost completely changed in the following four years, she was always my Mum, but just a new version of Mum. I just had to get used to her moods and her becoming almost child like, and it made me feel very protective of her. I did a lot of crying in those four years. She died on 31st August and I miss her so much.

 

[Rachael03]

As others have said you are not alone and we fully understand how this feels. I'm typing this as I am in the room with my beautiful mum, who is not at advanced stages by any means, yet is so far changed now that it has made our relationship entirely different.

I'm trying what others have said to embrace my "new mum" and enjoy her company even though we can't do what we used to do together. It isn't easy though and I still catch myself making plans for us, only to then remember they are no longer suitable.

My mum was only diagnosed in Jan and I found the months before and after her diagnosis so overwhelming. I thought I'd never stop crying or be able to function normally in the day....but slowly the initial shock settled and the news started to sink in. Its so much to process and very difficult news to receive so be gentle on yourself.

 

[PolarB]

Same. It's my sister who has Alzheimer's and I so miss who she was. She lives with me now, and the whole thing is so horrendous (she is also double incontinent). I don't want this version of her to overshadow her old self and this to be the one I remember most.

 

[Hermann]

I don't want this version of her to overshadow her old self and this to be the one I remember most.

Whether that happens depends, I think, on how long the new version exists for. In my own case, I have looked after a mother who has been significantly disabled by dementia for over twenty years. I will definitely remember the newer version more vividly than the original version.

Actually, what will probably happen is I will transition into dementia myself while my parents are still alive. Then, any grieving over my "lost" mum or dad will be well and truly forgotten about.

 

[northumbrian_k]

Hi @Gemziemoo84 and welcome to Dementia Support Forum our friendly and supportive community of people who have experience of many aspects of dementia. As you can see from the response that you have had, this is a great place to share with people who truly understand. My wife has been in her care home for 4.5 years but I missed her for a long time before that. Yet even now, when her Alzheimer's Disease is far advanced, we can still share moments when her old self shines through. They are the times that I now treasure the most.

 

[canary]

I don't want this version of her to overshadow her old self and this to be the one I remember most.

My mum died several years ago and although I have not forgotten the dementia years I now find that the earlier memories of her have returned

 

[Louise7]

Hello @Gemziemoo84 it is difficult to see changes, and understandable to grieve for the 'old' mum that isn't there anymore, but as has already been mentioned, there can still be moments where the 'old self' shines through. My mum was diagnosed ten years ago is in a care home now but when I visited her yesterday she smiled and laughed and seemed to have a cheeky glint in her eye so I know that my 'old mum' is still there somewhere. This is a friendly and supportive place and I hope that knowing that others here understand will help.

 

[Gemziemoo84]

I can't thank you all enough for your kind words. It's has really helped to read this and know I'm not loosing the plot and what I'm felling is 'normal'. I really appreciate you all taking the time to reply.

 

[KatFox]

@Gemziemoo84 sending you love and hugs as I absolutely know what you're going through - becuse you are indeed going through a long and slow grieving process - so allow this process to happen. Other feelings will be stirred up too - guilt, frustration, feeling overwhelmed BUT you know there is still a lot of joy . I have huge laughs with my Mum still - and we love rediscovering old sit-coms together (One foot in the grave is a big fav or The Good Life) and to hear her belly laugh is pure joy. My personal approach to Mums decline (and we all have our own way) is by focussing on what I have - not what I don't have. And I wish you and your Mum all the best in your journey - you really are not alone xx

 

[Rachael03]

@Gemziemoo84 sending you love and hugs as I absolutely know what you're going through - becuse you are indeed going through a long and slow grieving process - so allow this process to happen. Other feelings will be stirred up too - guilt, frustration, feeling overwhelmed BUT you know there is still a lot of joy . I have huge laughs with my Mum still - and we love rediscovering old sit-coms together (One foot in the grave is a big fav or The Good Life) and to hear her belly laugh is pure joy. My personal approach to Mums decline (and we all have our own way) is by focussing on what I have - not what I don't have. And I wish you and your Mum all the best in your journey - you really are not alone xx

Wise words! I really try remind myself of what we have and what we can do rather than what we can't.....it gives you a whole different perspective and a gift of being able to really appreciate the smaller things once again. Before mum's dementia I don't think I done that often - a laugh, a hug, a smile, a cheeky shared moment with a loved one. All so precious 🥰

 

[Jessie5]

Lots of love to you. This is one of the aspects I find the hardest. I’m not sure I have any words of wisdom to add to the above, but I can totally relate. I almost feel that I am so robbed of her now that even when she does die I won’t be able to grieve for my ‘real Mum’ as I will just be so relieved that this shadow of her has been put out of her misery. Which makes me sad.

 

[tansywoo]

My Mum spent the last few weeks of her life almost totally asleep. Luckily, she was not in pain. Dad and I went to sit with her every day. I didn't want to lose Mum, but didn't want her to suffer any more. I grieve for who she was, what she could still have done and the love she would have given to her family. I'm struggling to remember her pre- dementia, but little bits are coming back by looking at old photos and talking about the old days. Think we all wish we could have a magic wand.

 

[SashaCumbria]

Hi, my mum has recently been diagnosed with alzheimer's..

I'm really struggling to process this and feel so upset everytime I visit her. I keep it together whilst I'm there but always fall apart on the way home.

I can't help shift the feeling that "I miss my mum"

She has lost all of her magic and sparkle and what made her my mum!

Please is anyone else experiencing this weird grieving for someone who isn't dead!

Hi.
I joined this forum for exactly this reason. I feel like I am already grieving for my Mum who is physically still with us but to all intents and purposes, is actually 'gone'. I am struggling with such a huge range of emotions and thoughts right now, some of which I actually feel quite ashamed of. (i.e. it would be better for everyone if Mum passed away) - really hate myself for thinking this but I know she is now in the condition she absolutely dreaded and expressed as much when she was aware enough.

 

[Wednesday23]

Hi, my mum has recently been diagnosed with alzheimer's..

I'm really struggling to process this and feel so upset everytime I visit her. I keep it together whilst I'm there but always fall apart on the way home.

I can't help shift the feeling that "I miss my mum"

She has lost all of her magic and sparkle and what made her my mum!

Please is anyone else experiencing this weird grieving for someone who isn't dead!

Hi,
I know exactly how you feel my mam was diagnosed in March,and i really struggle with the fact that,she is no longer longer like the mam I grew in with, I get really upset when people say hows your mam, cos I can see her failing and getting frail all the time.

I totally agree I am grieving for my mam back and she is still here.