Feeling like a Useless Daughter

JessN12

Registered User
Nov 24, 2021
77
0
Hi everyone, I bit of a self indulgent post but I am just really struggling and feel really useless at caring for my Mum. She was diagnosed Feb 22 with Alzheimer's but just lately she seems to be getting worse much more quickly.
Today she rang me In tears as she'd lost her handbag. She was inconsolable. I live in a different city so can't just pop to help look for it. She says my dad won't help too, which I'm not sure is true. All my compassionate compassionate goes out of the window when she's this upset, I just try to make her feel bet but end up saying all the wrong things.
I'm scared for the future, I'm sacred she won't be able to come to my wedding next summer. I'm exhausted from crying about it all the time.
I just miss her.
I guess I just wanted to know I'm not alone in being a bit rubbish at all this.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,277
0
South coast
I think we are probably all a bit rubbish at it when the chips are down, actually
We know what we should say but its difficult (impossible) to do all the time, especially when you are caught on the hop.
And in your case its harder because you are not with her, only on the other end of a phone. Be kind to yourself - you cant fix everything
 

Jessie5

Registered User
Jul 17, 2017
235
0
I think these are totally normal feelings. I think every time my mum’s illness gets worse, I don’t really know how to cope and I grieve a little bit more for the person I’ve lost.

I’m sure getting married makes your emotions harder too as I know you just want her there and want your old Mum to discuss it all with.

I think all you can do it be kind to yourself. Try and accept what you can’t change. And try and enjoy the bits of Mum that still remain whilst she can. My Mum is quite advanced now and good moments are more fleeting, but it has been 6 years since she was diagnosed and it hasn’t been all doom and gloom.

Sending strength x
 

AdeleF

New member
Dec 3, 2023
4
0
Hi @JessN12 from another "useless daughter"*. Like you, I live a distance from my parents' home, even further from the hospital where Dad is currently receiving palliative care, and am trying to juggle all this with work. I know exactly how you feel. We can't fix everything - there is no magic wand to make it all better - but we are present, we are supporting both parents, and we are doing our best, and that's something.
(*sadly, my Dad (vascular dementia) has turned nasty so when visiting him in hospital he loudly makes it clear how useless he thinks I am)
Wedding organisation is stressful in itself so that must be adding a whole extra layer of tension for you. Hopefully you've got enough time to plan for Mum's involvement - maybe a kind relative can be assigned to take care of Mum and Dad on the day?
 

Remotecarer

Registered User
Oct 25, 2023
15
0
The people who take it for granted that they're doing enough and it's all fine, hang up and leave it all to someone else - those are the people who are rubbish at this.

We're all trying to strengthen our relatives/friends/whoever against this incurable illness and when you think of it like that, of course we're not good enough.

You're there for her and you're doing your best. You can't defeat this any more than you can cure old age. Allow yourself that much.