Husband with dementia had affair

Silversally

Registered User
Aug 18, 2022
71
0
Thanks again got sharing - it’s good to hear other people’s stories. Can I ask what stage if life you’re both at? (ie still kids at home etc). How long has your husband had Alzheimer’s for ?
We are in our 70s and now live a very quiet life. Our daughter and her family have just moved abroad because of our son-in-law’s job. That is hard but they have never lived nearby. We have very good friends and neighbours who have all offered help but so far we can manage. My husband’s dementia is still unspecified. I think there were one or two indications starting about three years ago but it became really noticeable early 2022 when he was waiting for a hip replacement - I thought it might be the pain causing his confusion but it has gradually got worse since. His mobility is poor, a physio recommended some very simple exercises to help but he refuses to do them. Are you still able to have a reasonable social life?
 

SR70

Registered User
Aug 20, 2022
19
0
Thanks for your message. Thankfully at the moment I can still keep independence myself - I have carers each day but he’s ok to be left alone during the day. So I still get to see friends and socialise - if this was taken from me I think I wouldn’t be able to function as well as I currently am . We still go to social events together, but I’ve stopped being as social as a couple as it’s too hard (for me mainly as I can’t relax and feel I need to keep and eye on him, plus he sits/ stands there very silently whereas he used to be vivacious and personable ) We also used to just enjoy each others time - but now, I actually don’t like spending time with him alone as it’s very dull and he doesn’t really converse plus I now have his affair (and the resentment I feel about that) on my mind. Thanks for your kind words
 

panam

New member
Dec 24, 2023
1
0
Thank you for sharing, everyone. My hubby is having a full-blown affair with a local woman. He also texts and sexts with strangers, exchanges nude photos and sends money to these “women” on the internet. We almost lost our house last year due to his sending so much money to scammers.
We’re in our 60’s, retired, and he has decided he wants me to leave/divorce so he can move his mistress into the house.
I’m so hurt and embarrassed. I keep telling myself to hate the disease and not him, but it’s difficult. I have been urged to leave and file for divorce, but I can’t do that. I don’t judge others who might do so, but I’m committed to care for him. I just hope I can survive this.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
24,699
0
South coast
Hello @panam and welcome to the forum

Yes, this is extremely hurtful. I must say, though, that I gave a wry smile at your husband wanting you out so that he can move his mistress in as it would most definitely not work out the way your husband thinks. At the moment, you are the villain who is taking him over and telling what to do, everything is your fault and he is horrible to you. But if you leave and his mistress moves in then she will suddenly become the new villain, etc and I cant see her being happy with that!! I assume she knows that he has dementia, so her time will be limited.

The main thing to do is to ring fence your savings and assets. Move your share of savings into a sperate account that he cannot touch. I managed to persuade OH to change our savings account into an account that needed both our signatures to move money out - I told him that that way I couldnt do anything without his consent and it didnt occur to him that it worked the other way too..... I also covertly accessed his email accounts and deleted a lot of scam stuff before he read it.

Im afraid you will have to be ruthless and be prepared to lie through your teeth, but this phase will eventually pass. It is certainly a white water ride and the main object is to stay afloat
xx
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,205
0
Kent
I’m pleased @canary has replied to you @panam and has been able to give you some sound advice. I wouldn’t have known where to begin.

I had it pretty bad when I was caring but nothing as bad as you’re having.

It was to my advantage that my husband was tech phobic and didn’t even want to know about computers and mobile phones. All I had to cope with was his daily wanderings to find his ‘real’ wife

I hope you feel comforted by off loading such a distressing situation and that you’ll feel better to get some control, even if it`s just financial.
 

Gosling

Volunteer Host
Aug 2, 2022
1,545
0
South West UK
Hello @panam and welcome to this Dementia Support Forum from me also. There is a wealth of shared experience of dementia to be found here, so I am glad you have found us.
I am sorry to read of about your husband's behaviour towards you It's very tough for you to have to go through this - as you say, it is the dementia doing it, but it's hard to take nevertheless. I do feel for you.
@canary has given you sound advice and words, which I really cannot add to.
I hope you will find this forum useful for information, and any particular advice if you need it, do just ask, as members here really do want to help. Members here understand which makes the support invaluable.
 

TOD25

New member
Jan 11, 2024
5
0
Hi and I’m wondering if anyone else has been in this situation…..I’ve been married (I thought happily and in a loyal marriage) until recently. My husband was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s in Sept 22 and the neurologist indicated he’d had it for 4-5 years previously. (There were definitely some warning signs and worries but covid lockdowns made it hard to know for sure at that time). I discovered him recently sending loving texts to a woman and looked deeper into it, discovering emails which indicated further this had been an affair 3-4 years ago, just before covid. I asked him 2 weeks ago and he told me this truth - yes he’d had a relationship with this woman. It is so out of his character - he says he has no idea why he did and it’s not something he’d ever imagined he’d do as he’s always been a safe, reliable and loyal person who loves his family. Has anyone who has a partner with dementia experienced something similar? This is something totally out of character. I am so hurt and angry but somehow want to attribute some of this to his Alzheimer’s???! The problem now is I’m totally trapped, I can’t leave him as that would be so heartless as he needs me, I never want my children to know as it would upset them and they are already dealing with his Alzheimer’s decline, yet I wish I could leave and start afresh. So …any similar situations?!
 

TOD25

New member
Jan 11, 2024
5
0
Yes😞
I’m pleased @canary has replied to you @panam and has been able to give you some sound advice. I wouldn’t have known where to begin.

I had it pretty bad when I was caring but nothing as bad as you’re having.

It was to my advantage that my husband was tech phobic and didn’t even want to know about computers and mobile phones. All I had to cope with was his daily wanderings to find his ‘real’ wife

I hope you feel comforted by off loading such a distressing situation and that you’ll feel better to get some control, even if it`s just financial.
 

TOD25

New member
Jan 11, 2024
5
0
And we both know the woman but evidently she was to stupid to realize he was sick. Dimentia or not he still thinks of her and I am stuck taking care of him. I do still love him but it’s so not fair and I’m getting tired.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
24,699
0
South coast
Hello @TOD25 and welcome to the forum

Im so sorry this has happened to you - as you can see you are not alone
If you dont mind me asking - how did you find out about the affair?
 

EarlyOnset55

New member
Jan 29, 2024
3
0
USA
Thank you to you all for your replies and advice. Hard, hard situation and canary really hit on the head, by saying about staying because of duty. My kids are 16 and 21, and this situation is hard enough as it is without adding his affair and shattering their (already) diminished memories/feelings of their dad. Plus he really can’t live / function without me anymore. My only way / the way I’m dealing with it by telling myself that is isn’t forever. One day, I know I will find happiness again. I do feel like I’m having to put love and happiness on hold for now for his sake and the sake of my kids, but i also know that this is a cruel condition and he will deteriorate as the next years go on. This may sound heartless but then again he broke my heart. He was the most loving, selfless and caring husband and this is so unbelievably out of character. But he did it. I’ll never forgive him even if Alzheimer’s is somewhat to blame for it but it’s good to hear other people’s experiences even just to normalise things for me. So Thankyou
I’m sorry you have to deal with this. I’m new here, but I am happy to see thoughtful replies to your initial post. I think I found the right place for me right now. It’s too late and I don’t really expect it, but I wish someone here could talk to my wife, who is in the process of divorcing me.

I should have a final diagnosis within the next week or two, but my MRI shows the most pronounced atrophy in the areas hit first by AD, but also more subtle atrophy to my left frontotemporal lube. I’ve been struggling for years and she’s been on me for just about as long. I tried to explain (a) I’m doing the best I can do and (b) the mean things I’ve said to you are largely a function of the relationship dynamic of two people who don’t know what’s going on, except that one (my wife) is doing more than her fair share and I’m not doing as much. I knew there was something wrong with my brain, but I thought it was just ADHD and there was nothing anybody could do to help me. I really didn’t know how bad my memory had gotten until I bombed memory test and my behavioral issues — there’s no reliable test for them. I answered pages of questions, and I’m depressed. I already knew that. Who wouldn’t be? It’s normal for someone in my shoes.

Anyway, I just created an account today and, so, reading and thinking about the questions and answers people have. It seems like you’ve gotten some good advice here. Good luck.

P.S. I’ve got a bucket of Viagra. That’s supposed to be comic relief, but it’s really hyperbole based in truth. I feel like I might as well enjoy the things to be enjoyed while I still can. On the other hand, I’ve never had or wanted to have an affair, so I can’t speak to that issue. However, I wouldn’t blame the lack sexual intimacy on the pornography. The pornography is probably more a result of feeling (consciously or unconsciously) like he has lost the capacity for true intimacy. Also, many people of all genders and sexual identities view pornography on he internet. I read recently that the most popular site in the world is for pornographic videos. People consume it for any number of reasons, including to develop greater sexual intimacy with a loving partner. I understand your feelings, but, personally, I don’t think the pornography issue is on the same level as the infidelity.
 
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TOD25

New member
Jan 11, 2024
5
0
Hi and I’m wondering if anyone else has been in this situation…..I’ve been married (I thought happily and in a loyal marriage) until recently. My husband was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s in Sept 22 and the neurologist indicated he’d had it for 4-5 years previously. (There were definitely some warning signs and worries but covid lockdowns made it hard to know for sure at that time). I discovered him recently sending loving texts to a woman and looked deeper into it, discovering emails which indicated further this had been an affair 3-4 years ago, just before covid. I asked him 2 weeks ago and he told me this truth - yes he’d had a relationship with this woman. It is so out of his character - he says he has no idea why he did and it’s not something he’d ever imagined he’d do as he’s always been a safe, reliable and loyal person who loves his family. Has anyone who has a partner with dementia experienced something similar? This is something totally out of character. I am so hurt and angry but somehow want to attribute some of this to his Alzheimer’s???! The problem now is I’m totally trapped, I can’t leave him as that would be so heartless as he needs me, I never want my children to know as it would upset them and they are already dealing with his Alzheimer’s decline, yet I wish I could leave and start afresh. So …any similar situations?!
 

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