How to break the diagnosis gently to Mum....?

[Lorraine22]

My Mum recently had a brain scan as she has dementia and although she has had letters with the word on it, she says she can't believe it.. She says she can't understand why she has to keep going to 'see' people (the consultants). We have been trying to play it down a bit as it must be horrible and frightening to receive such a diagnosis, so we haven't overtly said to her she has dementia. Is this wrong? How do we break the news in a nice way? Is there a nice way when the news is so awful.
She visited a friend of hers who is an a home for dementia patients and she came back saying everyone in there was 'mad' and it was a terrible place, so the thought of ending up in a home for her is dreadful. She is not at that stage yet and we have carers go into her home at the moment

 

[JoannePat]

Hi Lorraine,

In my opinion, there is no need to tell her. Dementia/Alzheimers is difficult for US to understand, imagine what it will be like for your mum.

We use the phrase "short term memory loss", its a much softer way. My dad says things like, I'm always forgetting why I have gone upstairs, and I say "oh dad I do that all the time"!

Don't think about your mum going into care. Whilst she has people coming to her house keep it like that for as long as possible. Eventually we had to put my mum into care, but it was much easier than any of us ever thought. You will know when that time comes.....

Sending hugs

Joanne x

 

[northumbrian_k]

Hi @Lorraine22 I agree that there is not much point in telling a person with dementia about their diagnosis. They may understand it and accept it. Then they'll forget it. Or they might understand it and deny it. In which case you could be blamed for telling 'lies' about her. In either case getting into a repetitive pattern is best avoided.

After my wife's Alzheimer's Disease was diagnosed I tried to engage her in looking at the various booklets that she had been given. She refused to do so. I gave up and never mentioned it again.

Later, when it came to arranging care I did not consult her but just did it. In that way we moved from having a once a week carer/befriender (to help with the dog), through short respite stays (never discussed) through to a permanent care home placement (never discussed). She is now content in her care home 4.5 years on.

She lived with me as her main carer for a further 3 years after diagnosis. I tried to behave normally throughout, despite her growing needs, strange behaviour and some bizarre conversations. Sometimes she would ask me how long she had to live as she thought she had cancer. The real issue of dementia never arose.

 

[Lawson58]

My husband was told by his geriatrician that he had Alzheimer’s but misinterpreted the statement that he was in the early stages to mean that it wasn’t anything to worry about. Since then he has been I’m complete denial about having dementia.

Why don’t you wait until she asks the question if she ever does about what it means.

 

[Jessie5]

After trying to explain many times to Mum and her forgetting each time and it being devastating for her each time. We just started to refer to ‘memory problems’. Was much easier on us all. She knew something was wrong with her, so I think would have been difficult to just dismiss it totally, but ‘memory problems’ which ‘everyone has as they get older and I’m not much better and I’m only 44 ha ha ha’ was a much gentler way of dealing with it.

 

[Violet Jane]

I don't think that there's any point in trying to get your mother to engage with or accept the diagnosis for the reasons already mentioned. Most people have some experience or awareness of dementia and are terrified of developing it. If she has been told once then I'd leave it at that. I would concentrate on the practical things: getting POAs in place, getting her will done, applying for benefits and the Council Tax discount, notifying the DVLA and the insurance company (if she drives) and organising carers and perhaps a cleaner and a gardener.

I supported both my mother and an elderly friend. The consultant spoke to my mother and I broke the news of the diagnosis to my friend. I never mentioned Alzheimer's again although I did say to my friend on a couple of occasions that her memory wasn't as good as it once was.

When a person has dementia it is kinder not to keep mentioning the diagnosis or their cognitive deficits.

 

[MarieAsh]

My Mum recently had a brain scan as she has dementia and although she has had letters with the word on it, she says she can't believe it.. She says she can't understand why she has to keep going to 'see' people (the consultants). We have been trying to play it down a bit as it must be horrible and frightening to receive such a diagnosis, so we haven't overtly said to her she has dementia. Is this wrong? How do we break the news in a nice way? Is there a nice way when the news is so awful.
She visited a friend of hers who is an a home for dementia patients and she came back saying everyone in there was 'mad' and it was a terrible place, so the thought of ending up in a home for her is dreadful. She is not at that stage yet and we have carers go into her home at the moment

Sorry to hear about your mum Lorraine. We are just wondering how you got your mum around the idea of even having carers come into your home as ours won’t even hear of it as she thinks we are the ones that are all losing our memories as she is perfectly fine and why would she need carers coming in to her house!?

Warmest regards,
Marie

 

[JoannePat]

Hi @MarieAsh it is difficult at first getting the carers into the house! Sometimes you have to lead them into it like, help with the housework. I have found having a cleaner going into my dads is great help (for me), or someone dropping off shopping, or maybe your mum could join a local social group. They often have welfare teams attached and I have found this a great help too.

Joanne x