As some of you may recall, my dad has been in hospital since early September. My mum, PWD, has been doing OK at home alone, with support from carers, myself and my dad’s cousin. She doesn’t like being in the house by herself and has no grip on the reality of dad’s situation i e he is no longer able to stand or walk at all, needs to be moved with a hoist, has a permanent catheter with all that entails.
Arrangements are now being made to return him home, with a hospital bed, hoist, commode and 4 care visits a day. The only place in the house thats remotely suitable for this is the ”best front room” downstairs.
Mum has basically gone off like a rocket about this, she won’t have him in there, she will lock the doors and stop anyone coming in, he needs to just get on with it, he will be back to normal as soon as he is at home. She is not having a hospital bed in the house. And so on. I am not actually there with her, I will be visiting next week not least to start rearranging furniture and so on to make space for the bed and equipment. My Dads cousin has borne the brunt so far, but I am getting the phone calls.
It distresses me that she is so upset and I am trying to be as kind as I can but obviously cannot go along with what she says she will or won’t have. She cannot hear me on the phone at all, so I am reduced to writing to her which I have done today in the hope that it will help to reinforce that whilst I’m sorry this is happening and don’t want her to be upset, nevertheless it is unavoidable. I say I know it isn’t what she wants, however I’m sure she also wouldn’t want dads need to not be met. Trying to acknowledge her feelings and avoid saying “but”. I am not at all sure it will help but at the same time when her constant complaint is that no one is telling her anything what else can I do?
The worst thing is that Dad doesn’t want to go home, he wants to go to a care home but as it would have to be LA funded they are insisting this has to be tried first, despite my clearly articulated concerns for his safety if my mother succeeds in locking out the carers. I am trying to emphasise the positive aspects to him (he will have his TV, the food will be to his liking, he can have visitors) but when he phones me every evening I can tell he is really low. I haven’t told him about mum kicking off, but he isn’t daft, he knows the kind of upset it will be causing her and the behaviour that results.
I can’t decide whether to stay in the house next week as I usually do, or arrange to be somewhere else and just go there during the day to do what needs to be done. I’m not sleeping well at all and haven’t done since all this started, so I’m already tired and on a short fuse, so keeping to the compassionate communication thing is going to be extremely difficult.
Any ideas, anyone?
Arrangements are now being made to return him home, with a hospital bed, hoist, commode and 4 care visits a day. The only place in the house thats remotely suitable for this is the ”best front room” downstairs.
Mum has basically gone off like a rocket about this, she won’t have him in there, she will lock the doors and stop anyone coming in, he needs to just get on with it, he will be back to normal as soon as he is at home. She is not having a hospital bed in the house. And so on. I am not actually there with her, I will be visiting next week not least to start rearranging furniture and so on to make space for the bed and equipment. My Dads cousin has borne the brunt so far, but I am getting the phone calls.
It distresses me that she is so upset and I am trying to be as kind as I can but obviously cannot go along with what she says she will or won’t have. She cannot hear me on the phone at all, so I am reduced to writing to her which I have done today in the hope that it will help to reinforce that whilst I’m sorry this is happening and don’t want her to be upset, nevertheless it is unavoidable. I say I know it isn’t what she wants, however I’m sure she also wouldn’t want dads need to not be met. Trying to acknowledge her feelings and avoid saying “but”. I am not at all sure it will help but at the same time when her constant complaint is that no one is telling her anything what else can I do?
The worst thing is that Dad doesn’t want to go home, he wants to go to a care home but as it would have to be LA funded they are insisting this has to be tried first, despite my clearly articulated concerns for his safety if my mother succeeds in locking out the carers. I am trying to emphasise the positive aspects to him (he will have his TV, the food will be to his liking, he can have visitors) but when he phones me every evening I can tell he is really low. I haven’t told him about mum kicking off, but he isn’t daft, he knows the kind of upset it will be causing her and the behaviour that results.
I can’t decide whether to stay in the house next week as I usually do, or arrange to be somewhere else and just go there during the day to do what needs to be done. I’m not sleeping well at all and haven’t done since all this started, so I’m already tired and on a short fuse, so keeping to the compassionate communication thing is going to be extremely difficult.
Any ideas, anyone?