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How on earth do I deal with this??

CardiffGirlInEssex

Registered User
Oct 6, 2018
258
0
As some of you may recall, my dad has been in hospital since early September. My mum, PWD, has been doing OK at home alone, with support from carers, myself and my dad’s cousin. She doesn’t like being in the house by herself and has no grip on the reality of dad’s situation i e he is no longer able to stand or walk at all, needs to be moved with a hoist, has a permanent catheter with all that entails.

Arrangements are now being made to return him home, with a hospital bed, hoist, commode and 4 care visits a day. The only place in the house thats remotely suitable for this is the ”best front room” downstairs.

Mum has basically gone off like a rocket about this, she won’t have him in there, she will lock the doors and stop anyone coming in, he needs to just get on with it, he will be back to normal as soon as he is at home. She is not having a hospital bed in the house. And so on. I am not actually there with her, I will be visiting next week not least to start rearranging furniture and so on to make space for the bed and equipment. My Dads cousin has borne the brunt so far, but I am getting the phone calls.

It distresses me that she is so upset and I am trying to be as kind as I can but obviously cannot go along with what she says she will or won’t have. She cannot hear me on the phone at all, so I am reduced to writing to her which I have done today in the hope that it will help to reinforce that whilst I’m sorry this is happening and don’t want her to be upset, nevertheless it is unavoidable. I say I know it isn’t what she wants, however I’m sure she also wouldn’t want dads need to not be met. Trying to acknowledge her feelings and avoid saying “but”. I am not at all sure it will help but at the same time when her constant complaint is that no one is telling her anything what else can I do?

The worst thing is that Dad doesn’t want to go home, he wants to go to a care home but as it would have to be LA funded they are insisting this has to be tried first, despite my clearly articulated concerns for his safety if my mother succeeds in locking out the carers. I am trying to emphasise the positive aspects to him (he will have his TV, the food will be to his liking, he can have visitors) but when he phones me every evening I can tell he is really low. I haven’t told him about mum kicking off, but he isn’t daft, he knows the kind of upset it will be causing her and the behaviour that results.

I can’t decide whether to stay in the house next week as I usually do, or arrange to be somewhere else and just go there during the day to do what needs to be done. I’m not sleeping well at all and haven’t done since all this started, so I’m already tired and on a short fuse, so keeping to the compassionate communication thing is going to be extremely difficult.

Any ideas, anyone?
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
14,385
0
South coast
Wow, just - wow.........
Why on earth do people insist that you have to "try" care at home when it is obvious to anyone with two brain cells that it isnt going to work?

Im sorry, but I think you are going to have to be there to sort out the mess when it all kicks off (as it undoubtedly will). I really dont think that it would be a good idea to leave your dad alone with your mum. Be prepared to call the police if it looks like your mum might injure your dad (or you), or call an ambulance if your dad gets into problems because the carers arnt allowed to care for him. Create a HUGE stink with SS safeguarding, telling them what has been happening and you might have to be quite insistent about your dad getting emergency placement. If there are problems with the carers being turned away this will be reported back to SS, as will any police report. This will all add to the evidence.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
9,650
0
Yorkshire
how awful for you all @CardiffGirlInEssex
it's so obviously a crisis in the making

I wonder whether Admiral nurses might be of help

does your dad's GP know about these plans?

I think I would talk with the cousin and both make clear that neither of you will be able to continue to provide any hands on care ... tough on you, I know, but otherwise you'll be expected to support ... don't go to help, it's Social Services decision and their responsibility

might you point out that your dad is likely to be a failed discharge ... mention the 'vulnerable adults, at risk of harm, duty of care, safeguarding issue' terma

and that, actually, your mum has every right to refuse to have her home turned upside down, that routine and stability are very important for someone with dementia and she will not copw with all the disruption and certainly cannot provide any care for her husband

best wishes to you all
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
3,281
0
West Hertfordshire
Involve the GP, they must be able to throw their weight behind the stupidity of this idea?

My now late mother refusing any bathroom aids because she didnt want the tiles being spoiled is nothing in comparison!
 

MarleysMum

Registered User
Sep 17, 2020
22
0
what an awful situation for everyone including your Mum, as clearly she no longer has the ability to understand. I’m not sure I have any answers other than those suggested. Does your dad have a social worker, even if he has don’t be afraid to escalate your concerns to the elderly care team in your LA. Does your mum have a social worker as this is also impacting on her well being (because she doesn’t understand and it’s distressing her). As someone else has said don’t make yourself too available for care as it could then be deemed that as a family you’re coping, I know that’s not easy. If you’re really struggling speak to your own GP to see what support you can get for yourself.
the previous comment about “failed discharge “ seems very accurate as with what you have said your Dad needs I I really can’t see how 4 care visits a day can’t support his needs.
I really wish I could be of more help. Thinking of you xx
 

Weasell

Registered User
Oct 21, 2019
935
0
@canary gives such good advice.
I believe documentation is your new best friend.
If you mother behaves badly to any one, example, the people delivering the bed ,
I would let her do her worst. Then say to the people affected ‘ I request you document this in full’
Social services love the word ‘evidence’ so you could always add that word in wherever applicable.
I would document every single thing and then make sure social services received all the information.
Maybe your mother could be witnessed making food for herself and not for him?
If I heard my father Yelp in a pain like sound when my mother was in the room alone with him I would document this too.
If we give social services the benefit of the doubt and say their policies and procedures force them to take this route, then surely it is our job to provide them with what they require to ‘change route’?
 

CardiffGirlInEssex

Registered User
Oct 6, 2018
258
0
Wow, just - wow.........
Why on earth do people insist that you have to "try" care at home when it is obvious to anyone with two brain cells that it isnt going to work?

Im sorry, but I think you are going to have to be there to sort out the mess when it all kicks off (as it undoubtedly will). I really dont think that it would be a good idea to leave your dad alone with your mum. Be prepared to call the police if it looks like your mum might injure your dad (or you), or call an ambulance if your dad gets into problems because the carers arnt allowed to care for him. Create a HUGE stink with SS safeguarding, telling them what has been happening and you might have to be quite insistent about your dad getting emergency placement. If there are problems with the carers being turned away this will be reported back to SS, as will any police report. This will all add to the evidence.
Thanks, @canary. Mum is physically quite weak, she unlikely to be able to do any direct physical harm to my dad, she is more likely to fall and hurt herself if she tried to. I will phone their GP on Monday and see if they will agree to visit mum and see how she is with them. This has been the first time she has dropped her hostess mode with others present, the cleaning lady got quite a shock yesterday when she heard mum going at dads cousin, up till now she had only seen the sweet little old lady! If she is really agitated with me next week I may try calling 999. I will be emailing the social worker again as well.
 

CardiffGirlInEssex

Registered User
Oct 6, 2018
258
0
T
how awful for you all @CardiffGirlInEssex
it's so obviously a crisis in the making

I wonder whether Admiral nurses might be of help

does your dad's GP know about these plans?

I think I would talk with the cousin and both make clear that neither of you will be able to continue to provide any hands on care ... tough on you, I know, but otherwise you'll be expected to support ... don't go to help, it's Social Services decision and their responsibility

might you point out that your dad is likely to be a failed discharge ... mention the 'vulnerable adults, at risk of harm, duty of care, safeguarding issue' terma

and that, actually, your mum has every right to refuse to have her home turned upside down, that routine and stability are very important for someone with dementia and she will not copw with all the disruption and certainly cannot provide any care for her husband

best wishes to you all
Thanks, @Shedrech. I have made it clear in writing to the social worker that I cannot be there when dad is discharged and nor can his cousins so I hold them responsible if this plan of theirs fails. I will send another email on Monday using some of the useful phrases you have suggested.
 

CardiffGirlInEssex

Registered User
Oct 6, 2018
258
0
Involve the GP, they must be able to throw their weight behind the stupidity of this idea?

My now late mother refusing any bathroom aids because she didnt want the tiles being spoiled is nothing in comparison!
Thanks @Jessbow, I will contact the GP on Monday though I doubt they will be much help.
 

CardiffGirlInEssex

Registered User
Oct 6, 2018
258
0
@canary gives such good advice.
I believe documentation is your new best friend.
If you mother behaves badly to any one, example, the people delivering the bed ,
I would let her do her worst. Then say to the people affected ‘ I request you document this in full’
Social services love the word ‘evidence’ so you could always add that word in wherever applicable.
I would document every single thing and then make sure social services received all the information.
Maybe your mother could be witnessed making food for herself and not for him?
If I heard my father Yelp in a pain like sound when my mother was in the room alone with him I would document this too.
If we give social services the benefit of the doubt and say their policies and procedures force them to take this route, then surely it is our job to provide them with what they require to ‘change route’?
Thanks @Weasell , I am sending everything by email but will make use of some of the suggestions you and others have given in terms of wording.
 

CardiffGirlInEssex

Registered User
Oct 6, 2018
258
0
what an awful situation for everyone including your Mum, as clearly she no longer has the ability to understand. I’m not sure I have any answers other than those suggested. Does your dad have a social worker, even if he has don’t be afraid to escalate your concerns to the elderly care team in your LA. Does your mum have a social worker as this is also impacting on her well being (because she doesn’t understand and it’s distressing her). As someone else has said don’t make yourself too available for care as it could then be deemed that as a family you’re coping, I know that’s not easy. If you’re really struggling speak to your own GP to see what support you can get for yourself.
the previous comment about “failed discharge “ seems very accurate as with what you have said your Dad needs I I really can’t see how 4 care visits a day can’t support his needs.
I really wish I could be of more help. Thinking of you xx
Thanks @MarleysMum . I will use the term “failed discharge “ in my next email to the social worker. I have already stated, but will do so again, that I cannot be available to provide hands on support due to my own personal circumstances (I live 200 miles away, with a husband nearly as old as my parents who is currently waiting for surgery). It is going to be hard, but me being too available will not help matters in the long run.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
14,385
0
South coast
I will use the term “failed discharge “ in my next email to the social worker.
Id just like to mention that the definition of a failed discharge is somebody who is readmitted to hospital within 48 hours of discharge.
Its a good idea to use the buzz phrases that will make SS sit up and listen, but do please use them correctly.
 

jugglingmum

Registered User
Jan 5, 2014
5,993
0
Chester
I'm so sorry this is happening, so unfair on both your parents you and your father's cousin

one thought is can you try an independent social worker - not something I've tried but its been mentioned many times on here - not that expensive (and should be out of your parents funds if they have any) but they know the words to say to SS

Also can you provide your dad with a fully charged mobile together with spare power banks that he can tuck somewhere he can reach but your mum can't - father's cousin could recharge the power banks if needed. At least that way your father has a means of calling for assistance if needed.

both your parents are vulnerable adults and this is not in their best interests - your mum isn't going to understand your dad is immobile and might try and pull him out of bed or similar
 

Roseleigh

Registered User
Dec 26, 2016
326
0
I'm so sorry this is happening, so unfair on both your parents you and your father's cousin

one thought is can you try an independent social worker - not something I've tried but its been mentioned many times on here - not that expensive (and should be out of your parents funds if they have any) but they know the words to say to SS

Also can you provide your dad with a fully charged mobile together with spare power banks that he can tuck somewhere he can reach but your mum can't - father's cousin could recharge the power banks if needed. At least that way your father has a means of calling for assistance if needed.

both your parents are vulnerable adults and this is not in their best interests - your mum isn't going to understand your dad is immobile and might try and pull him out of bed or similar

Juggling Mum is quite correct. Both parents are exceedingly vulnerable. Involve the GP and get onto adult social care again, telling them you are fearful for your dads safety, especially as your mum is hostile towards his return, and that they have a duty of care to him.

You really need to emphasise that this will put him in danger. Tell them he is also fearful of returning home and wants to be in a nursing home.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
2,365
0
Oh @CardiffGirlInEssex , I'm assuming the social workers dealing with your dad are so focused on your dad they haven't taken on board your mum's dementia and her likely reaction to your dad's arrival home.
There has been so much good advice already, that I can't add to, but I'm thinking of you and hope the social workers realise this is a disaster waiting to happen before your dad is sent home.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
14,385
0
South coast
While I understand why everyone is saying step back and do nothing - I have given exactly the same advice myself before now - in this case I am concerned about her dads safety. He is extremely vulnerable and people with dementia (even frail ones) can do a lot of damage when they want to. It is by no means unknown for a person with dementia to injure their carer to the point of needing hospital.

I think it will all go horribly wrong very quickly and @CardiffGirlInEssex needs to be on the spot to protect her dad.
 

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