Hi, my name is Sally and I'm new to the forum.
- Thread starter SAF 27
- Start date
Hi Sally, sorry to meet under these circumstances, but you’re very welcome.
Has your Mum said why she wants you to go and get her? Often we find our folks wanting to go ‘home’, but then find out that the home they’re talking about is one from childhood or a time before dementia hit and life became confusing. It’s sort of a metaphor for ‘Please help me feel better by taking me away from my confusion’, which with the best will in the world, we can’t do. Better understanding where she wants to go, might help you feel easier about not responding to those requests.
Frequent phone calls for help are another common issue. Bear in mind that the person calling, can only remember the call they’re making at that moment in time. To us, we hear an escalating stream of pleas for help that we can’t give, which makes us feel worse as they go on. The person with dementia doesn’t experience that cumulative effect, as they live in the moment. It won’t do any harm to block your Mum’s calls or decide to let them go to voicemail, either permanently, or at specific times of day like working hours, weekdays, during the school run etc. The home will contact you direct if there’s actually anything which needs your urgent attention,
Has your Mum said why she wants you to go and get her? Often we find our folks wanting to go ‘home’, but then find out that the home they’re talking about is one from childhood or a time before dementia hit and life became confusing. It’s sort of a metaphor for ‘Please help me feel better by taking me away from my confusion’, which with the best will in the world, we can’t do. Better understanding where she wants to go, might help you feel easier about not responding to those requests.
Frequent phone calls for help are another common issue. Bear in mind that the person calling, can only remember the call they’re making at that moment in time. To us, we hear an escalating stream of pleas for help that we can’t give, which makes us feel worse as they go on. The person with dementia doesn’t experience that cumulative effect, as they live in the moment. It won’t do any harm to block your Mum’s calls or decide to let them go to voicemail, either permanently, or at specific times of day like working hours, weekdays, during the school run etc. The home will contact you direct if there’s actually anything which needs your urgent attention,
Sorry nothing to offer, it's just do what you when you can that's all anyone can ask.
It can be a long journey and the beginning can be the hardest part. Carer burnout is an issue make sure you have sometimes for yourself and the rest of your family, it can be a long journey so pace yourself. K
It can be a long journey and the beginning can be the hardest part. Carer burnout is an issue make sure you have sometimes for yourself and the rest of your family, it can be a long journey so pace yourself. K
Hi @SAF 27 and welcome to the Forum. We are a friendly and helpful community of members who have experience of many aspects of dementia. You can ask questions, learn from the experience of others, share with people who truly understand, let off steam when you need to, and much more besides.
It is not uncommon for a person in a care home to try to maintain their dependence on family and carers. But the point of being in a care home is that there is a team on hand at all hours to attend to the person's needs. Settling in involves a transfer of dependency to the care home staff. Your mum may need help with everything but that doesn't mean that you have to be the person who does it all. You can help her by not responding to requests that you go to get her. She may never stop asking but how you deal with that could make a big difference for the better.
It is not uncommon for a person in a care home to try to maintain their dependence on family and carers. But the point of being in a care home is that there is a team on hand at all hours to attend to the person's needs. Settling in involves a transfer of dependency to the care home staff. Your mum may need help with everything but that doesn't mean that you have to be the person who does it all. You can help her by not responding to requests that you go to get her. She may never stop asking but how you deal with that could make a big difference for the better.
