Hi, both my parents were diagnosed with mixed dementia several years ago and are now both in their early nineties. With the support of myself, my brother and a carer 10 hours a week they have managed to remain living at home. I have given up my job to care for them as it became unsustainable to work full time and care for them both, but their increasing physical frailty and memory issues now mean that my brother and I feel they are no longer safe living at home and worry about them constantly. We think once settled into a care home they would thrive, but having brought the conversation up with them on several occasions, they become very distressed at the idea. My physical and emotional health are both suffering with the stress and I have reached out to this forum for any suggestions on how we move forward. Thank you.
Help with how to approach the care home conversation with parents who both have dementia and want to remain at home.
- Thread starter Lizzie G
- Start date
Report them to Social Services and GP as a safeguarding issue. Social Services has responsibility for vulnerable adults incapable of taking care of themselves. The family is not responsible, so you can step back and care on your own terms
Is there a care home that would be suitable for them locally that has day care sessions? Getting them used to being away from home even for a few hours might be a start - they might enjoy it and realise that a care home isn't such a bad place.
Social services should carry out a care needs assessment for them but be warned - it could possibly backfire - socail services will do almost anything to keep them out of residential care due to costs. If Mum and Dad really are a danger to themselves then you would be able to blame the social worker for them having to go into care. Would they be self funding? Or local authority funded?
Other than that the only thing I can think of would be to get them into a suitable home for some respite care initially - say you and brother will be away on holiday.
Social services should carry out a care needs assessment for them but be warned - it could possibly backfire - socail services will do almost anything to keep them out of residential care due to costs. If Mum and Dad really are a danger to themselves then you would be able to blame the social worker for them having to go into care. Would they be self funding? Or local authority funded?
Other than that the only thing I can think of would be to get them into a suitable home for some respite care initially - say you and brother will be away on holiday.
It's unlikely they will ever agree to it, because people with dementia cannot be 'reasoned with'. They think they are doing okay and also they want to stay in their own familiar environment. Even if they agree, they may change their mind, so it will have to be you who drives it forward.
The best thing to do is start researching what is available. I agree that day care would allow them to 'try before you buy'. They would probably really enjoy it, and as @Grannie G says some care homes will provide them with a shared room if that's what they would prefer.
How would this be funded, would they need to sell their home, or do they have savings which could be used until the home is sold (I've assumed they would be self funding)? Do you have LPA?
The best thing to do is start researching what is available. I agree that day care would allow them to 'try before you buy'. They would probably really enjoy it, and as @Grannie G says some care homes will provide them with a shared room if that's what they would prefer.
How would this be funded, would they need to sell their home, or do they have savings which could be used until the home is sold (I've assumed they would be self funding)? Do you have LPA?
Welcome to the forum @Lizzie G. I'm sorry to hear about your parents. It must be a worry for you.
I wondered if they have had an assessment of needs.
www.alzheimers.org.uk
I wondered if they have had an assessment of needs.
Assessment for care and support in England
What are care assessments and how can people with dementia and their carers access them? This information is for care and support in England.
www.alzheimers.org.uk
Lots of our local care homes do a day dementia event once a week. Could you explore that route? A good introduction I would imagine - no experience though as I waited for a crisis!
I really feel for you, it is a very difficult situation to be in. I am in a similar place to you, both parents with dementia (100 and 97), at home with carers 4 times a day. I would love for both of them to be in a home together, but so far the discussion has never got beyond "how much? A week! No, we're fine here". Even if they weren't self funding I don't think they would go.
I would second all the suggestions above. If they become upset when you mention it, just let it go, but perhaps mention it again, casually, a few weeks/months later. Look into care homes in the area so you know what could be available for them.
When you say you don't think they are safe, what exactly do you mean? Do they wander away from the house? Do you think they may leave the oven on and set fire to things? If you could list your worries there are people on this site who may be able to offer solutions.
I would second all the suggestions above. If they become upset when you mention it, just let it go, but perhaps mention it again, casually, a few weeks/months later. Look into care homes in the area so you know what could be available for them.
When you say you don't think they are safe, what exactly do you mean? Do they wander away from the house? Do you think they may leave the oven on and set fire to things? If you could list your worries there are people on this site who may be able to offer solutions.
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