Help Please


Registered User
Oct 18, 2012
Nr Heathrow, Mum has AD & VD
Spoke to Mum tonight while my bro was visiting (called his phone after he texted me he lives about 10 mins away if that) Mum was in bed, warm and cosy she had no rain today, not sure how she managed to miss it :eek: Also she had been to church but that might have been just a dream - poor little love - we had a giggle and in so many ways that is thanks to the compassionate communication I have learned here.

I try to use compassionate communication all the time now as in saying things not to upset or offend others. It is such a good lesson I learned here from those more experienced than me!

Mostly, I wish always, in TP this skill is demonstrated admirably!


Registered User
Aug 14, 2014
Hi I'm angry for you too hungover. Hey this is YOUR Mum and with the greatest respect not your husbands you do what you need to to help your mum, you are her voice, who cares if the matron doesn't like what you say to her, if your mum's unhappy and stressed please help her. Your mum needs you to stand up for her I'm sure nobody knows your mum better than you. Good luck my lovely thinking of you, please keep us posted. X


Registered User
Jun 27, 2012
People who lost weigh feel more cold than one with stable weight. 16C is cold.

My mom is 39-40 kg, she was wearing long sleeve even on 30C. Now, winter, CH is around 20C.


Registered User
Oct 18, 2012
Nr Heathrow, Mum has AD & VD
Bit disappointed Mum is to be subjected to Carer A again for a while, but anyway:

Dear Sharon,

I have now completed my investigation into your concerns regarding the temperature of the 2nd floor lounge and care of the residents who live there. I have also looked into your concerns regarding Carer A's attitude towards our residents.

We have had some difficulties in regulating the temperature of the 2nd floor and received a previous complaint from a relative that it was too hot and that we should have the air conditioning on at all times and I believe that this may have influenced the care staff to be over zealous in its’ application. It is important that the temperature is kept at a level suitable for our residents and I have spoken to all our staff who work on the 2nd floor to explain to them that what may be a comfortable temperature for them may in fact be too hot or too cold for our residents and that they should be mindful of this at all times. Now that the weather is cooler I have asked that the mobile air conditioning unit be put away so that staff are not tempted to use it.

Staff advise that residents on the 2nd floor are usually up by 11.00 in the morning unless there is a problem with one of the residents which then may delays others. Every member of staff that I spoke to are aware that some of our residents are at risk of falls and need to be supervised as much as is reasonably practicable and recent strategies for individual residents has reduced this risk still further.

It has been difficult to investigate your concern regarding Carer A's attitude but I have spoken confidentially to several staff who work with her on a regular basis and there is no evidence to suggest that they share your worries. Carer A has been a Team Leader at ****** Care Home since December 2011 and there have been no similar concerns raised with me regarding her conduct. I am therefore unable to take any further action or investigation into this matter. However, you have indicated that Mum is not keen on being cared for by Carer A and the 2nd floor is small with only 2 members of staff on duty so it is difficult to offer Mum a choice in who cares for her. Therefore I have agreed with Carer A and our Deputy Manager that she will be allocated to work on the 2nd floor until she takes her maternity leave in September and I hope this is an acceptable compromise for you and your family. Thank you for your kind words about (another lovely carer), she is currently on leave but will be returning to work in September and we will continue to allocate her to the 2nd floor.
This is the letter I have just written to the home, hope it is self explanatory - your views are welcome.

I am sorry to have to write to you again and I am afraid this is going to be a long e mail but there is a lot for me to explain. I have just got home after visiting Mum, who when I arrived was absolutely freezing cold, her hands and arms were like ice. In view of the weather, I was very surprised about this as she seemed to be suitably dressed and the building is usually warm.

Mum was in a wheelchair in the kitchen diner when I arrived and other ladies were sitting at tables. I asked Carer A if Mum could have her lunch in the sitting room so we could sit with her, this was agreed. When we entered the sitting room the drop in temperature was immense! Mum asked if I could close the window but I noticed a mobile air conditioning unit was blasting out cold air - my husband switched this off straight away. A while later and having wheeled Mum to the window so she could feel the sun and put a shawl round her, we were still feeling drafts of cold air and I noticed a room wall stat and went to look, it was set to 16 degs only which I believe must be the lowest setting possible! It seemed like interfering but my husband set it to 21 degs which may be a little low for the elderly.

Another lady was wheeled in by Carer A and left in her wheelchair and not transferred to an armchair - I was so very surprised she left her as not only am I aware from my brother of her recent fall but especially in view of the fact that she told me she could not leave my Mum unattended in a wheelchair because of the risk of a fall a couple of weeks ago. On that occasion, Carer A had told me Mum had not been got up in the morning until it was quieter and there was time for someone to stay right beside her all the time! In fact, after I saw Manager in the garden that day when we brought a picnic and my daughter's dog ran inside the home etc. we took Mum back up and I wheeled her into the sitting room, left my daughter sat on a stool or something and I went to the kitchen to make tea. When I returned there was no space for me to sit beside Mum but as Carer A was in an armchair right beside Mum, I asked her if she would let me sit there instead - I did find it strange that she just sat there, but when she explained to me about the falls risk, leaving Mum unattended etc. I found that feasible.

Now with the benefit of hindsight, I believe Carer A may well have lied, or may have left the other lady at risk today? I don't know all the procedures you work to, you will know best.

Due to the dementia I do know Mum is not the most reliable witness, but today she kept saying 'I don't think she likes me' 'she is rude' 'she is a tough one, that one' and I don't know how many more things and she told me to 'keep away from that one' - this went on for most of the time I was there and I tried distraction etc. but she kept coming back to Carer A. I wish now I had recorded this on my phone for you to hear.

Mum, as you may well know, is very kind and affectionate and usually loves the staff, even introduced me to Carer B saying 'Sharon, this is your cousin'. I have only seen Mum like this once, with a resident in her previous home and it turned out she was right, he was aggressive and actually struck my Mum once. As I said, Mum is not the most reliable, but she was able to tell me a young man wanted to put her in a nightie which she refused as it did not belong to her and he had called her Pauline which he could get into trouble with Matron for because he should call her 'nurse' really. My brother confirmed this was all true, it happened on Thursday he was there at the time. I am stating this to demonstrate to you that there seems to be a mixture of fact and fiction.

Overall we have been so happy with how Mum has been cared for and cared about at (care home name removed) but I now have horrible fears about Mum being at the mercy of Carer A who is able to demonstrate a complete lack of empathy when the lady fell, which you already know about and perhaps, at best, stretching the truth about why Mum was not got up out of bed in the morning.

I also have my horrible suspicions about who set the room temperature so low, then went even further and switched the mobile air conditioner in an already very cold room and where my Mum, or the lady for that matter could possibly have had it aimed at them. This would have been extremely cruel.

I hope I am wrong and would be very happy for you to convince me so. I just don't believe empathy and kindness can be taught or supervised and apart from how Mum was today, Carer A gives me very bad vibes, not just me, my brother also. It feels like intuition.

Before I left I told Carer B my husband had turned the stat up and that poor Mum had been so cold before. I wish I had asked where the mobile unit was in relation to where she was sitting. I put a table between Mum and the lady and made them both a cup of tea which they were very happy about and left them chatting.

Where is the lovely carer called asdfghj or something like that? A true carer who truly cared, a bit like zxcvb, I wish he was on Mum's floor, she loves him!

Sorry this is emotional, but it is how I feel about my poor little Mum who was the kindest most caring nurse you could imagine to anyone who was suffering.

Sadly, I don't expect to hear from you until Monday but if I have not explained anything very well, please do contact me on (phone number removed). I look forward to hearing from you.


Registered User
May 18, 2014
Maybe the attitude and the need for cool is down to pregnancy hormones ...also might explain why she didn't catch the other resident ( if it is the same carer?).

Not an ideal outcome.

Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point


Registered User
Jan 20, 2006
[Yes thank you will definitely ask about this x

QUOTE=BeckyJan;929898]Just a thought - is there any chance the medication can be prescribed in liquid form? It might then be more acceptable and could be administered via a syringe. Well worth a call to the GP.
I am so sorry for you. The medicines should not be given in this covert way. Is it a Carer or a nurse giving the drugs. If it is a nurse I would remind her of her code of conduct. I would ask for immediate medication review with the gp to see that she is only on essential medication and then insist on it being given in a different form ie patches, liquids, etc. wishing you strength and courage and a big hug.


Registered User
Oct 18, 2012
Nr Heathrow, Mum has AD & VD

Hello all, not posted on here lately because I joined another group which is very private but I would like to let those who kindly responded to me when I felt desperate, know the current situation.

There is a wonder carer who makes mealtimes fun for all and although young she is kindly and sensible. Since she has been around, Mum has made a friend, their wheelchairs are parked together and they chatter away only making some sort of sense to each other. Mum has gained half a stone in weight.

I am so pleased to update my thread in this way :D