Hi all
Thank you. Yes I am getting better. I know it's going to take time to feel totally myself again.
I still get moments of utter dispair, but thankfully I don't have to worry so much about mum. She is happy and settled in her care home. I think the fact she is, allowed me to crash, if that makes sense.
I am avoiding some decisions I have to make for myself, I am being selfish, at last some say until I have a clearer head. It works for me, to have a target ie I will deal with this, that, the other, next week, or when ever I have decided.
I am on a target day today, but I feel its ok to reschedule what I need to do, as I don't won't to do it today. I am learning that some things don't have to be done immediately - I have time. I am allowing me have have me time and not feel selfish for doing so.
Anything that needs to be done, but I don't want to do, my OH does for me. I am now finding it easier not to have to be in control all the time.
Keeping everything under control - that's what my life became. So much so, it almost felt like I had to sort everything out for everybody, felt everything was my responsibility. I couldn't hear a discussion about something, with out the feeling that they expected me to deal with it, when all they were doing was discussing something.
I took responsibility for everyone's happiness, except mine.
Anyone reading this, who is feeling overwhelmed, please I beg you, put yourself first and get some help. Having to arrange this extra help, I know so well, is another pressure for you, but once it's in place, do your utmost to start to let go.
In my opinion
Not letting go, not allowing others to help, feeling I was the only one who could do what needed doing, and crashing, That was being selfish, because were it not for mum being safe and reasonably content in her care home, she would be suffering now too