Help ! Don't know what to do!

[Katie-Koala]

After many years of trying to get my 80 year old mother accessed for Dementia/Alzheimer's . Yesterday they finally diagnosed her as having Multiple Dementia. However the symptoms that she is displaying have been there for as long as I can remember but just getting more frequent and intense. The whole family has always said that she has had serious mental health issues, but nobody would listen as the Jeykll side would be out when seeing anyone else. I am now desperate at the thought of this getting even worse.
She is abusive, bullying , manipulative, opinionated etc. etc. I can not communicate with her everything I say she argues against and I either have to stick up for my self or shut up. I have had 50 years of this and don't think I can cope anymore. I just want to walk away but at the end of the day she is my mother! and there is no one else to see to her.
All my friends who have known me since being a child say , stay away. She has ruined enough of your life already. My daughters tolerate her for my sake , but will not do anymore as she is vile to them too.
I am not a bad person. If I was I would have walked away like my deceased brother did years ago. I have this strong sense of loyalty but it is destroying me and making me ill.
Any suggestions would be gratefully received

 

[cragmaid]

Ok Firstly...Hello and welcome.....sorry you have had to find us, but glad you came.

There is a wealth of knowledge and support on TP. I'm guessing that, since Mum has just been diagnosed you have not yet made contact with your local Social Services, Adult Social Care. These are the people who can point you toward Day Centres, home carers, financial assessments and, what is probably more important to you right now, a carers assessment.
There is no one here going to say that you should shoulder the care alone ( unless that's really what you want to do). Sometimes the Local Memory clinic may refer you to the SS and sometimes you have to self refer. If you really want to walk away and hand her care over, this is your absolute right. No one should be made to feel that they are being bullied , demeaned or helpless. Do not let yourself be bullied by the SS either.
I don't know if you have heard of Lasting Power of Attorney. This is the granting of the legal right to a person who can then look after the Financial Affairs or the Health and Welfare of a person suffering from a lack of Capacity. These are the forms you really ought to get sorted ASAP as they will make dealing with Banks Solicitors GPs etc a lot easier. Have a look on the OPG website...it's not really too difficult to do...I filled Mum's forms in for her and had them registered so that they were ready to use when it was right.

Make a note of all the problems and actions your Mum makes that are causing difficulties. Spell them out and explain them to both Mum's GP and the Social Worker. Often they will merely ask the patient, who will say " Oh I can manage, I've got X to help". Make it really clear that X will not carry this on her own any more.

There is lots more for you to find out, like claiming Attendance Allowance, or claiming Council Tax reduction...but we can leave them for another day. For now it might be enough to know there are friends out her who can help you cope.
Keep posting, Maureen.

 

[jawuk]

Katie, from what you say your mother has never been the sort of mother anyone needs and deserves. The character you describe seems unlovable to the extent of very real dislike. You are doing all that you can in the circumstances and it sounds as if it is affecting your health and, if this state of affairs continues and your mother gets worse as she will, may have an adverse effect on your family life and relationships.

Perhaps you can consider speaking to a social worker and making it plain that your relationship with your mother failed many years ago, that she is abusive and non-compliant. and that you are not prepared to continue trying to support her at the cost to your own mental health.

That would NOT make you a bad person.

 

[BLONDY]

You never know with the progression of Dementia your Mother could turn into the kind loving person you have wished for.