Hello again

[Chemmy]

The SW at the hospital has been great, setting up meals on wheels, arranging for Age UK to call re cleaning /laundry, but MIL is now saying she manages fine with her daughter who lives nearby, exactly what she said to me a month ago when I suggested a cleaner.

My SIL, however, has quite rightly had enough and has told the AgeUK lady that this wasn't true. So there will be a meeting this week to arrange things with MIL and SIL both present. The one good thing out of all of this is that my SIL now feels empowered to stand her ground and say "I've had enough" and we're all backing her up 100% on that. We're not going to let her slip back into being treated like a doormat, and she is now aware, perhaps for the first time, not to simply believe everything her mother tells her.

If MIL can cope with outside help, that's fine. But if not, then all are agreed that the only other option will be a CH. As I said, interesting times ahead.

 

[Chemmy]

Well, it seems we were premature thinking that the LPA forms would be certified by the doctors in the hospital. Don't know if they didn't bother or MIL refused.

Anyway she is now insisting she wont be 'handing over control' to my OH, despite agreeing with the SW and SIL that it was a good idea and telling us how grateful she would be when we saw her last.

This Jekyll and Hyde character is quite baffling. At least my mother's Hyde phase was consistent, but MIL is either further down the VaD road than we thought or she's a damn fine actress

 

[cragmaid]

I presume, ( in fact 'm sure you have but I'll say it anyway) you'll have tried the " It's not handing over control, it's making sure your wishes get told and we can even write it on the form, Mum" ?

It's a bu**er when you go two steps forward and three back. You have my sympthy!

 

[Chemmy]

I presume, ( in fact 'm sure you have but I'll say it anyway) you'll have tried the " It's not handing over control, it's making sure your wishes get told and we can even write it on the form, Mum" ?

It's a bu**er when you go two steps forward and three back. You have my sympthy!

The sweet little "isn't she lovely" old lady in the hospital has apparently reverted back to the crabby old woman she was before the fall, according to SIL, and that's just in a week

She was totally convincing when in hospital when she told us that she'd realised she'd been "far too stubborn for my own good" and "I realise things need to change".

Yeah right.

 

[cragmaid]

!

The sweet little "isn't she lovely" old lady in the hospital

....I used to get so sick of the phrase " ah your Mam's lovely" (when Mum was a patient in hospital) that I wanted to reply " ****** Off no she's an old bi**h".

Of course, nowadays she is that sweet little old lady!!

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Chemmy, is it possible to use the ruse of "the government might step in if you don't have a PoA set up and spend your money and put you where they see fit"? Or something along those lines? I know it's not very nice but there are times we have to use underhanded methods.

 

[Chemmy]

Chemmy, is it possible to use the ruse of "the government might step in if you don't have a PoA set up and spend your money and put you where they see fit"? Or something along those lines? I know it's not very nice but there are times we have to use underhanded methods.

H'mmm, that's a good one. I'll pass it on.....

 

[KazzyF]

....I used to get so sick of the phrase " ah your Mam's lovely" (when Mum was a patient in hospital) that I wanted to reply " ****** Off no she's an old bi**h".

Of course, nowadays she is that sweet little old lady!!

Blimey you sound like me!! My mum is just the same



Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[KazzyF]

Well done chemmy. Glad your SIL is standing up for herself. Amazes me how changeable they are and they can almost convince people they are fine!!


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[Chemmy]

Update.

MIL had another fall on Friday and is back in hospital. The full care package that was put in place clearly isn't sufficient (she didn't manage to press the lifeline pendant either, it seems) and a 'convalescent 'period in a CH is most likely to be the next option for my OH and his sisters to consider when she's discharged.

But at least they've tried her back at home so that will lessen any guilt.

OH managed to contact the doctor at the hospital re. signing (or not in this case) the LPA forms. Seems they're reluctant to assess capacity in a 'trauma' situation, so it's now a case of contacting MIL's GP.

 

[KazzyF]

Update.

MIL had another fall on Friday and is back in hospital. The full care package that was put in place clearly isn't sufficient (she didn't manage to press the lifeline pendant either, it seems) and a 'convalescent 'period in a CH is most likely to be the next option for my OH and his sisters to consider when she's discharged.

But at least they've tried her back at home so that will lessen any guilt.

OH managed to contact the doctor at the hospital re. signing (or not in this case) the LPA forms. Seems they're reluctant to assess capacity in a 'trauma' situation, so it's now a case of contacting MIL's GP.

Good luck Chemmy
I had trouble with the GP thing as he claimed not to be qualified to do the COP 3 form and would not sign it, but I think that he has a point and luckily the Consultant at the memory clinic is going to sort it out.

At least once she leaves Hospital your MIL will have 24/7 care - the other benefit should be that the family will no longer be too exhausted to enjoy her company.

Keep plodding on!
K

 

[Chemmy]

That's interesting about your GP's reaction, Kazzy. The junior doctor at the hospital admitted on the phone that she was sure that MIL had capacity, but just wasn't prepared to put in in writing.

I have now ordered name tapes for MIL's clothes...just in case Those new button tags are a good idea but I don't think she'd tolerate them in case they'd rub. She takes scissors to lots of her clothes to make them more 'comfy'.

 

[KazzyF]

My mother just bought loads of stuff then claimed it wasn't hers. Lol.


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[Chemmy]

Interesting couple of days ahead: MIL is about to be discharged from the community hospital after her last fall and now that her UTI has cleared up. She's been telling SIL she doesn't want to go home alone but has been telling the staff she does. It makes you wonder what they asked her.

So yesterday MIL, SIL and the OT all sat down together and it is now agreed that she is going to voluntarily try out the local CH. I have the name tapes ready to sew on today!

All seem agreed she has capacity so OH is taking the LPA forms down, in the hope that someone in the hospital will agree to act as certificate provider. We're not holding our breath on that though. As a back up, and after checking with the banks, he has also prepared an Ordinary Power of Attorney form which just has to be witnessed and should allow temporary access to her accounts at least in order to settle her bills, which will mount up fast now that CH fees are involved.

I'm pleased to say that no-one is squealing about 'inheritance' issues. It's MIL's money - some savings and a modest bungalow, and tbh, it's good to be able to make these decisions without the involvement of social services. I am under no illusions that had she not been self-funding, she would have been sent back home with the care package that clearly wasn't enough.

Hopefully by making the move now, at this relatively early stage, she will have an opportunity to establish new friendships with the staff and other residents. It is her physical condition which is causing the real problems at home. She simply needs to be looked after 24/7.

I'll keep you posted

 

[KazzyF]

Good news. Hope she likes it. K


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[Chemmy]

It WAS an interesting couple of days.

MIL is in a community hospital which is so much nicer than the main city one and they have really sorted her out with clean hair and regular showers. She was moaning she'd never been so clean, and I suspect that is true. Long may it continue.

I took her to the podiatrist clinic yesterday....I don't think I have ever seen her bare feet, but what a state As the nurse said afterwards, the huge talons must have affected the way she was walking and may even have contributed to the falls. We also sweet-talked him into trimming her fingernails properly too and she was so delighted that she blew him a kiss on her way out. I rather suspect that made his day

She's getting discharged this morning and is excited about trying out the local CH. She confessed that she HATED the carers letting themselves in on the full care package and that she felt physically sick at the sound of the key in the door. She was adamant that she didn't want to live alone any more.

So we moved some stuff into her new room yesterday and got to know the staff a bit. The manager is just the sort you want - down to earth, funny, engaging and her staff seem that way too. Several of them stopped to chat about MIL and OH and I left full of confidence that she'll be OK there.

I'm not nervous about it and we have reassured her that even if it's a little strange for the first few days, it's the best place for her. "Like starting big school...."

Funnily enough, even after just 2 weeks in hospital, she can't really remember her house of thirty years or even her address so I think that's helping too. We've told her its because she bumped her head when she fell and she seems happy with that explanation.

Also in the community hospital we found a visiting GP who certified the LPA. What a relief especially as MIL had said when we first brought it up again that she 'couldn't be bothered with all that.' Fortunately we bumped into the CH manager as she came to do her assessment and primed her to mention it and I think it was coming from someone in authority that brought her round.

Anyway, fingers crossed, everyone, that it's a successful move. SIL is taking her in this morning.

One scary thing is that we found out her weight is only 35k (about 5.5 stone) so one of their first objectives is to feed her up. No amount of cajoling could persuade her to put more on her plate (although she'd happily polish it off if I served it up) so I am so relieved they'd picked up on that.

None of us are the least upset that this move is about to happen or feeling any guilt because it is ABSOLUTELY the best thing that could have happened to her. I can't believe we have actually got here in the space of six weeks, but I so wish her well on her new 'adventure'.

 

[Noorza]

Lovely to hear such a positive experience, thanks Chemmy.

 

[KazzyF]

Fantastic news


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[Chemmy]

Glad to hear that things are working out for the best, and so rapidly too.

One thing I would say is that you need to put the 'permission' for your children in writing. This is what I'm going to do for my children, and tell them to keep the 'letter' in their safe place - the place they keep their passports and important documents.

The reason being that when my maternal grandmother was suffering from dementia 30 odd years ago, my M & D had her to live with them. Mum subsequently suffered from 'carer burnout' and had a mini breakdown with some health problems of her own, all brought on by the stress of it all. She told me at that time, "Don't ever have me to live with you, or move in with me, if I get like Grannie, put me in a home". Of course, she is now like Grannie, and is fast becoming unable to care for herself at home. She says she doesn't want to live alone any longer and is angling to either live with us or for us to move in with her (neither of which is happening but she does know that really), but won't consider a CH at the moment. I have already told her that I love her dearly but that I WILL NOT become her carer as I haven't got the personality for it, and I tell her what she told me when Grannie was living with her. Of course she doesn't believe me, and I so wish I'd got her to put it in writing then, as I could show it to her now.

A good idea. We are about to prepare our own LPAs. I think I'll file away a letter with mine. Even if it's not a legal living will, if it absolves them from the guilt then it can only be a good thing.

Funnily enough, about four years ago, MIL asked me to ensure I didn't let her become a burden on my youngest SIL and I have recounted that conversation to all concerned these past few weeks. It wasn't written down, but I told my OH at the time and i'm sure it's helped both SILs to come to terms with the CH option.

 

[KazzyF]

Sounds like alls well that ends well.


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point