Guilt trip

[lizzie2596]

I've just got back from dropping Mum off for her respite stay and my heart is breaking. Even though I have talked things through with Mum several times over the last few days and took the time to include her when organising her packing yesterday she was still so shocked when I told her it was time to go this morning. As we wlked into the home and she said she was going to be a prisoner and she had this look on her face that cut me to the core. I can only hope that, once she has settled in, she will feel better or be more accepting.

WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO BE SO HARD!!!!!

 

[Skye]

Lizzie, love, it is hard.

We none of us like to walk away and leave our loved ones in someone else's care. You'd have to be completely heartless not to feel like you do.

Why don't you leave it a couple of hours then ring the home? You'll probably find she's settled in fine. After all, think how scary it must be for her to leave you and her familiar surroundings to be alone with a crowd of strangers? But the staff will make a special effort to get her involved, and she'll probably be fine.

John still gives me a hard time every time he goes to daycare, but he enjoys it when he's there.

Don't sit and brood, try to enjoy your afternoon. You've earned it.

Love,

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Lizzie,

Just to say that eventually it becomes easier to bear. The guilt monster likes to make an appearance but when it does, come here. We will try and help you to banish it.

It is so very hard, even though the rational part of our brain KNOWS we have made the right decision. The emotional side can be so difficult.

You have made the right decision. You say your mother is your best friend, your companion, your confidante and your shoulder to cry on. I am 1000% certain that, if she were well, she would be horrified if you sacrificed your life for her.

Enjoy your respite time.

Joanne

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Lizzie,

Try not to waste your week riddled with guilt. I know it`s easier said than done, and she`s not my mother, but if it doesn`t happen this week, it will have to happen eventually, so let`s all keep our fingers crossed that it`s a success.

Enjoy some good thinking time. Think about the alternatives, the pros and cons. I`m sure you`ll realize that however hard it is, and no-one said it would be easy, it`s the only way forwards.

Love xx

 

[sandrajean]

Hi Lizzie,
I have just registered. My daughter found this website this morning and has written a very moving account of my guilt feelings, re is it the right time for a home. I know exactly how you feel. I have the added guilt that I am also putting my whole family through it as well.
I just feel that as my Brother has openly admitted that if it was not for me he would not be able to cope and would have put mum in a home straight away, I am the only person here to protect her. I suspect that you feel that way too. Like you I have a decision to make and I wish you all the help in making that decision and know that when you make it it will be the right one.
Sandrajean

 

[Grannie G]

Hi sandrajean, welcome to TP.

I have tried 3 times to reply to your daughter`s post, but deleted each time.

In a way, you have answered your own and your daughter`s question. The time is right when you think it is right.

This doesn`t mean the feelings of guilt will fly out of the window, that you won`t be torn in two, or the decision will suddenly become easy.

When Alzheimers hits, it doen`t only hit the sufferer, it affects everyone invlolved, changes their lives, puts lives on hold.

I care for my husband. I have no dependent children and am retired. I am the only one affected.

When I cared for my mother, I worked full time, my husband worked full time, it was different.

I hope you keep in contact with TP, both you and your daughter.

No-one can help make decisions for you, but the support here is second to none, and it helps to share.

Take care xx

 

[lizzie2596]

Hi again all. It's been a couple of days but I've been trying to take your advice and have a good break. Long lie ins and passing time doing very little - what a treat. The house has seemed very empty at times without Mum around, she's been living with me for many years and I've never really lived on my own so it is very strange having the house entirely to myself.

The CPN is coming to see me tomorrow afternoon to talk things through. I've been making notes so that if I do crumble into my usual sobbing wreck who can't think straight I won't miss anything out - well that's the plan.

I'll keep you posted, especially f I get some good advice that might be useful to others.

Liz.

 

[Skye]

Hi Liz

Glad you're making the most of your break. I hope all goes well with the CPN's visit, you're very sensible to make notes.

Let us know how it goes.

Love,

 

[lizzie2596]

The CPN came round this afternoon and spent over an hour talking things through with me. She was so understanding and everything she said confirmed that I am making the right decision for Mum and me.

I've rung Mum's social worker and she is coming to see me tomorrow. The only thing that made my insides lurch was when she mentioned having to talk to Mum about it. I'm not sure how to face that conversation but, just like everything else that I've dreaded facing, I'll find a way.

I'll keep you posted

Liz.

 

[Skye]

just like everything else that I've dreaded facing, I'll find a way.

Of course you will, Liz. You are doing great. I'm glad the meeting with the CPN went well, just the SW now ........... and mum!

You can do it!

 

[Grannie G]

Good luck with your mum Liz. I hope it`s not too traumatic.

It must have helped having such an understanding CPN, at least she was able to support your decision. I`m sure the SW will too.

Hope your mum enjoys her `holiday`. If so, it will be all the easier for you.

Love xx

 

[gerrie ley]

A Gem

Lizzie I dont have any answers for you but an opinion You my girl are a gem a jewel in your mothers crown. You have my sympanthy and my love I wish I could help you more.Try to stay with it I know you will get as much support as people in here can give you.



Love to you Gerrie

 

[lizzie2596]

Thanks for those words Gerrie but you've made me cry again!!

I now know that things will work out fine and that I'm nearing the end of this part of my journey with AD. After what I've lived with so far and the hard decisions that I've been able to make with the understanding and support of so many of you I know that I will be able to see this through.

I have decided which Care Home I want Mum to go to, I got a really good feeling when I visited it a couple of months ago. The whole place had a relaxed, friendly atmosphere that will suit Mum down to the ground. It is a few miles away but it will be worth the mileage.

Liz.

 

[lizzie2596]

The Social worker came to see me this afternoon and it all went really well. She is so nice and it really helped that the CPN had been in touch with her to fill her in on our conversation yesterday.

Mum has been put into a second respite placement for another week and it happens to be at the Care Home I really liked, I'll be taking her there tomorrow. She is now on their waiting list and is third in line, although there is no knowing how long we will have to wait for a permanent bed - the usual 'how long is a piece of string' scenario. I worry that Mum is going to be shifted from pillar to post in the meantime so she may need to come home for a while. I think it is going to be a case of take it as it comes but at least the wheels are now in motion.

I feel that I'm in a kind of limbo at the moment but I'm just going to have to be patient and let the system take its course.

Liz.

 

[Skye]

More good news, Lizzie. Everything is going so well. You'll be able to see how your mum gets on in the home that you like, and hopefully a place will come up soon. (Sounds awful, but you know what I mean!) Even if your mum has to come home for a while, you'll know that it will only be a temporary measure. Enjoy your break.

Love,

 

[Margaret W]

Teacher/Carer

Sorry, had to go to the end of this thread without reading anybody else's replies.

Oh my love, what is all this about failure and responsibility? You are a person, you are worth a lot. To yourself as well as to your family. You are not superwoman, you are just you. And all your guilt is totally unfounded. There is no guilt with this illness. If you were guitly of anything you would not have been on this forum trying to ask for help.

I will read everyone elses replies cos they are all more wise than me, I am new to this and learning, but please, please, do not berate yourself.

Much love, and you will get lots more from others on this forum.

Margaret

 

[Margaret W]

Shame?

Sorry, just read a bit more. Only a bit. What shame should you have? A full time job, two brothers who do nothing, feeling a failure. No, my love, you are a star, a shining star, get help. You need help. You DESERVE help. For yourself, I mean.

Phew, please, please stop criticising yourself, you are doing far more than many people do it their entire lives.

Other people on this forum will put it better than me, I just feel for you. Do think of yourself as well.

Much love

Margaret

 

[Margaret W]

All those emotions

Oh dear, forget Guilt, you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. We all feel it, and some of us may have a little niggle about it, but from what you say you have absolutely no need at all. We can all kill ourselves trying to care for our loved one, and then who takes over when we are dead? No, love, don't feel that amount of guilt. What else did you say? I've forgotten, but you really mustn't carry on like this, you deserve better for yourself.

Yes, keep your job, your mum wouldn't want you to give it up. I'm a lecturer, and we have the same stresses, contstant appraisal, all the bloody paperwork and deadlines to me, but if you like the job, as I do, stick with it.

Failure, no way you are a failure. I think what you mean is you've not been able to solve the problem. I can run with that myself. The point is there isn't a solution to the problem. Or at least, the solution does not lie with you.

I am glad that you think so highly of your mother, and can appreciate how distressing it is to see this wonderful woman in such a sad situation. I have no such relationship with my mother, she has never supported or assisted me in any way, but I still feel the same as you, that I should do the best for her, and I will. I feel even more guilty cos I don't love her! But at the end of the day, it is about doing what is right for you and her, and it is obvious that you will do that.

Good luck, get a good NH and reassure yourself that you have done your best.

Let us know how you get on.

Much love

Margaret

 

[lizzie2596]

Thank you for your replies Margaret. I have been able to get the guilt monster more under control this last week. I transferred Mum to her new respite home on Saturday. She was more biddable than I was expecting and didn't make a fuss about not going home - a real relief but also a sign that her awareness has deteriorated more.

I've had a message from the home to say that Mum has already had another fall and bumped her head yet again - she always seems to go down head first. She is ok but the manager commented on how confused she seems. Probably due to being shifted from pillar to post.

She has the bed until this time next week but after that, who knows! I'll probably have to bring her home rather than have her moved again and again until a permanent bed is found. Do I accept a permanent bed anywhere or hold out for a place at my preferred choice? It is so hard to know what to do for the best when there is so much uncertainty that is totally out of my control!

I am going to make the most of the next week on my own so that I am well rested and ready to have Mum back here if needs must.

Liz.

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Lizzie, I wouldn`t accept a permanent bed just anywhere for your mother.

I would want to have a good look round first and let the powers that be know you want the best possible care. Some homes are bound to be more difficult to get in to, on grounds of being very popular. That`s what you want for your mother.

But it doesn`t necessarily mean you should have her home until a good place can be found. I know that sounds awful and I apologize in advance, but if your mum is too much for you and you feel she is now at risk if left alone, then you should be supported. If the worst came to the worst, you could ask for a care package to be in place before your mother leaves respite care.