Guilt trip

[lizzie2596]

I've just heard from the SW and she tells me that from Monday there are no emergency EMI respite beds available in the whole of Shropshire!!! Methinks they need to set up some more.

Unless something comes up in he meantime Mum will be coming home next Monday for two weeks, she will then return to the CH she is in now for 3 weeks. This takes things almost to the end of my school holiday so God knows what will happen then because I absolutely can't have Mum at home when I'm back at work. It leaves things so uncertain again further down the line but at least I know what the next 6 weeks hold. I have asked for a day centre placement for the fortnight that Mum is back at home with me but I've yet to hear.

One thing that has eased my conscience about making the decision to find a permanent CH place for Mum is that everyone I have spoken to during the week, especially the staff at the CH, say that they have noticed a deterioration in Mum's condition. I now realise that those weeks when I was at my wits end but feeling so guilty at not coping were made so much worse by a total loss of perspective about the progression of Mum's AD. When you are with someone so much you don't really see the small changes but they build up so quickly into big changes without you noticing or having time to find ways to cope.

The SW is sending me a list of local homes with EMI beds so that I can look for somewhere that I like that might have a shorter waiting list than the one Mum is already on and might also be a bit nearer home, so fingers crossed.

Liz x

 

[Grannie G]

All the best Liz. I hope you manage to sort everything out during the holidays.

Love xx

 

[elaineo2]

EMI beds

hi Lizzie,why can't this country cope with a disease that is more common than any other i know.it is ridiculous that our older generation who have sacrificed a hell of a lot in their lifetime,are put on a list to recieve care they have worked for ,paid for and well deserve.alas there is a shortage of EMI beds in my area aswell.a fast developing disease with a slow developing world.gud luk elainex

 

[lizzie2596]

Saw Mum yesterday to take her for a routine blood test. She seemed in good spirits, apart from the bad bruising all down one side of her face after her fall at the weekend. I brought her back home for lunch to see how she would respond to being here again, although I was very careful to say 'the house' or 'my house' rather than 'home'. She noticed a couple of changes I've made but didn't make a fuss. When I took her back to the CH I told her that she would be 'coming to stay with me for a fortnight' which she seemed to accept. The SW has arranged 3 days at a day centre while she is back with me, which will help.

At the moment there are no permanent EMI bed vacancies in the whole county so with only 6 weeks until I am back at work it's quite worrying that we won't find a place for her in time. I'm trying not to dwell on it too much, the SW seems to be trying her hardest and is in touch regularly so we will have to take things a week at a time.

In the meantime Mum is going to be re-assessed by the CPN and the SW.

In spite of the uncertainty I can't quite believe how things have changed in only 2 weeks. I had friends over for a meal last night - unheard of in the past because it made Mum uneasy to have people round. It felt so good to be able to repay all of the times that I've been round to others for dinner and to say thanks for their support through the recent hard times.

Liz x

 

[Grannie G]

. I had friends over for a meal last night - unheard of in the past because it made Mum uneasy to have people round. Liz x

Aspects of life that people take for granted.

 

[Margarita]

When I took her back to the CH I told her that she would be 'coming to stay with me for a fortnight' which she seemed to accept. The SW has arranged 3 days at a day centre while she is back with me, which will help.

I would just like to add , that don't be surprised when your mother is at home with you for the 2 weeks , that she may be more confused & unsettle , I am only saying this as it happen to my mother when she gets back from respite , but after a week she Ok . I know every one different who has AZ , but I just thought I would mention it .

They really should give your mother 5 days , Or even 7 days at day-center if its run by Social services , seeing that your working full time and they can't find a bed in CH for your mother . I do hope you have support on the days your mother does not go to day center and your working ?

 

[forgetmenot]

Dear Lizzie
please do not feel guilty for loving your mum and wanting the best for her. You are human too and need to look after yourself. It is OK to say I cannot cope. It is not a failure. Are you a member of an Alzheimer's society carer's support group. I am and we meet once a month and it is good to share your experience and not feel you are on your own. My mother lived on her own and I was 200 miles away and it got to the stage that my mother would not be able to continue living on her own and she went into a care home. This was OK whilst my aunties were still alive as they lived near and visited her and I got up there when I could. Then the visiting stopped as my cousins stopped visiting once their own mum's had passed on. I moved her to London in March this year and she is quite settled into a nursing home nearby and I can visit more regularly, but still have my own life with my husband and work etc. I am concerned that you might make yourself very poorly if you carry on the way you are doing. Don't rush and put your mum in the nearest home, but find one that is suitable, visit a few and get her name down on as many homes as possible that you feel would be OK for your mum. I got my mother in the home that I had my heart set on although another home had a bed available at the same time.

Linda (forgetmenot)

 

[lizzie2596]

The social worker has rung again this morning. She had been to see Mum at the respite home and was horrified by the bruising on Mum's face after her last fall. She was so concerned about Mum coming home next week and being moved around so much that she had put her top of the list for a permanent bed and by some miracle one came up yesterday. It is a bit further away than I was expecting (16 miles) but still very manageable. The SW has highly recommended the home and it seems to have a very good CSCI report so I'm going for a look round this afternoon before moving Mum in on Monday. I will still have a look around places nearer home just in case things don't work out.

I know that Social Workers sometimes get bad press but I can't praise ours highly enough - she has been amazing. She has called me at least once every day this week as she has been making various arrangements and has clearly been on the case making herculean efforts on Mum's behalf. Between her and our wonderful CPN Mum's future is now as safe and secure as it can be under the circumstances - I can hardly believe it!!

Liz x

 

[Skye]

Hi Liz

How wonderful to hear praise for a SW! We hear so many bad reports about them, it's good to read that there are good ones out there.

I hope your mum settles well in the new NH, it will be such a weight off your mind. Good luck for Monday.

Love,

 

[Grannie G]

Liz, it`s wonderful news. After so much agonizing, your worries should soon be over.

Hope it all goes well xx

 

[chiplet]

[ He hasn't seen Mum at her worst and still seems to be rather in denial about the whole thing. He has already expressed his opinion about Care homes in a rather negative and frankly ignorant way so I'm not sure what his reaction will be.

Hey,
I know how you feel as my partners brother doesn't seem to know how difficult it is as he's been to see her once in the last 18 months and has made absolutely no plan to come back and see her again. I feel awful for my partner as she constantly tells everyone how wonderful her other son is and that my partner does nothing for her. I think you are doing absolutely the right thing and take my hat off to you

Take Care and don't let the guilt get you down
Chiplet x

 

[Margarita]

So pleaded for you and that you have such a good SW helping your mother

 

[lizzie2596]

Hi again everyone.

I moved Mum from the respite home to the permanent home this morning. I was dreading it in case she got upset or uncooperative but she was very calm and seemed to take everything in her stride.

I managed to have a talk to her about the fact she would be able to stay there as long as she needed because it wasn't safe for her to be alone at home anymore, especially when I was going back to work. I also explained about registering the POA. She was fine about everything. It made me smile when I said that I would be visiting her often and she told me it would be too much for me to visit everyday and not to worry if I couldn't make it that often - so like her to say that.

I am so relieved that she has a permanent place now, although I miss her so much at home and the house seems so empty without her.

I wanted to say again how grateful I am to all of you for your support and advice over the last fortnight or so. You are all wonderful people.

Liz xxx

 

[Skye]

She was fine about everything. It made me smile when I said that I would be visiting her often and she told me it would be too much for me to visit everyday and not to worry if I couldn't make it that often - so like her to say that.

Well done Liz. And what a lovely, considerate mum. It's so rare for people with dementia to be able to think of others.

I hope she settles and is happy in her new home.

Love,

 

[Nell]

Congratulations Liz! A happy outcome all round! Well done!

 

[Curlie]

It's my first time on here tonight but already by reading your messages it has helped me alot. My mother-in-law has not been acting like her normal self for a while now. First we thought it was just her age but over the last few months we have seen a vast change in her memory and also others things. As a family we all felt we were imaginig it ( or should i say we wanted to think we were.) it seems like see has deteriated so quick , it has got to the stage where she now struggles to take her medication which she has been on for serveral years. We did take mum to the doctors but she was having a really good day that day. I had already spoken to him about mum and our concerns but he clearly did not see the real mum that day. How do you know that its not just old age and how do you deal with it.

 

[lovdn2]

Hi Curlie

Afraid the only route is through the GP, they will arrange blood tests to rule out other illnesses that can cause similar symptoms, then a specialist to see her and assess her.

Try writing to the GP she saw, or another one in the same practice before taking her again and tell them exactly what is worrying you..............don't let one visit on a good day stop you finding the cause of the problem.

Let us know how you get on.

 

[Skye]

Hi Curlie

Welcome to TP.

Lovdn2 is right. You need to get your MIL back to her GP. Try keeping diary for a week, write down all the things she does that strike you as odd, and how she responds to you and to other people.

Either send it in advance, or take it with you. It's a good idea to try to see a different doctor in the practice if that's possible, he might see things from a different angle.

You need to insist that you want a referral to a psychiatrist for testing. It's the only way to get a diagnosis. A GP cannot decide on the basis of a ten minute interview.

Good luck,

 

[Curlie]

Waiting for doctor to ring me back.

Thank you Lovdn2 and Skyz

It seems like the last three days mum has got worse. I have spent the last two days with her only to get up this morning with a phone call from her friend. Mum had turned up at her door this morning a bit confused. i feel so useless, well we all do at the moment. Have an appointment with her doctor tomorrow but have just rang them to see if i can speak to the doctor today instead. We are concerned because she is diabetic also and she is not taking her tablets correctly.

Excuse the spelling, who would believe i work in a school.

Lisa

 

[Skye]

Hi Lisa

It certainly sounds as if you need to see the GP as quickly as possible. The fact that your mum is diabetic and not taking her medication could be increasing her confusion. There appears to be a link between diabetes and vascular dementia;

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/Mind_your_head/Common_questions/Unchangeable_risk_factors/diabetes.htm


Don't worry about spelling, I know it goes to pot when you're stressed, and really, nobody worries about it here.

I hope you get some answers soon.

Love,