Grumpy OH

[Beads]

Hi @Beads , thanks, haven’t posted on here for a bit - still have this wretched labrynthitis and have real trouble balancing when walking so have been virtually housebound for the last 3 weeks - no escape to work alas - and of course OH doesn’t have any memory of this happening and has to be reminded all the time. Have been to the docs and it’s all a bit vague about how long it takes to recover, could be several weeks. Just what I need! I really hate not being able to go to work, but it’s a job where I’m on my feet etc and I couldn’t do it for fear of falling down. Round the house I can grab bits of furniture etc. The worst thing is the feeling like I’m drunk the whole time, without the nice bit of not caring about anything. OH obviously still expects meals etc and is now quite incapable of getting anything much for himself except bread and butter. He stares at the garden and says he feels useless as he can’t do anything much. My son bless him has cut the lawns and done some tidying up. I really want him (my son) to get on with his own life and it seems that something always happens here. It’s a bit scary for me feeling unable to cope as I’ve always tried to be really independent and carry on regardless.
Anyway must hope for the best - and I wish the weather would improve, we seem to have one sunny day and back to wind and rain.
Oh dear we all do have probs don’t we. I feel guilty for saying it but life would be so much easier without the constant worry of dealing with a PWD and when lots of memories are not all that wonderful it makes it that much harder. Still, they say be careful what you wish for! At the moment I will settle for feeling back to my normal self so I can soldier on.
Do hope everything is bearable for you at the moment with your Grumpy and that you continue to get distractions with your family and upcoming events etc. As you say we’re not getting any younger and we have to develop all sorts of roles don’t we. I think we all do pretty well considering the lack of help and support from official sources.
Love to you all xx

Sorry to hear you still ill longlostfan you must be really fed up. It’s taking its time to go , must be awful as you say even work is out of the picture . It’s too easy isn’t it to come over dizzy & lose your balance. Hope it goes soon for you. Yes they not capable of remembering & you will be sick of him asking you what’s wrong. Good job your son is there at the moment to help you. Ye life would be loads easier I agree , though we know it’s only going to get more difficult as our OH gets worse. I’ve really cheered myself up now. (not). I really don’t like to think too far ahead .

Hi @Beads , thanks, haven’t posted on here for a bit - still have this wretched labrynthitis and have real trouble balancing when walking so have been virtually housebound for the last 3 weeks - no escape to work alas - and of course OH doesn’t have any memory of this happening and has to be reminded all the time. Have been to the docs and it’s all a bit vague about how long it takes to recover, could be several weeks. Just what I need! I really hate not being able to go to work, but it’s a job where I’m on my feet etc and I couldn’t do it for fear of falling down. Round the house I can grab bits of furniture etc. The worst thing is the feeling like I’m drunk the whole time, without the nice bit of not caring about anything. OH obviously still expects meals etc and is now quite incapable of getting anything much for himself except bread and butter. He stares at the garden and says he feels useless as he can’t do anything much. My son bless him has cut the lawns and done some tidying up. I really want him (my son) to get on with his own life and it seems that something always happens here. It’s a bit scary for me feeling unable to cope as I’ve always tried to be really independent and carry on regardless.
Anyway must hope for the best - and I wish the weather would improve, we seem to have one sunny day and back to wind and rain.
Oh dear we all do have probs don’t we. I feel guilty for saying it but life would be so much easier without the constant worry of dealing with a PWD and when lots of memories are not all that wonderful it makes it that much harder. Still, they say be careful what you wish for! At the moment I will settle for feeling back to my normal self so I can soldier on.
Do hope everything is bearable for you at the moment with your Grumpy and that you continue to get distractions with your family and upcoming events etc. As you say we’re not getting any younger and we have to develop all sorts of roles don’t we. I think we all do pretty well considering the lack of help and support from official sources.
Love to you all xx

Whoops somehow this reply has gone terribly wrong longlostfan. The other part of it is above.
Oh the dreaded garden I did the lawn the other week . Was shattered then next morning boy did I know about it had bad back for days & had to put support sock on foot. Lifting things far too heavy for a woman. It’s like you say it’s scary for you because you have always been so independent. That’s me also I won’t give in & struggle on knowing damn fine I shouldn’t. The thing is we have to be jack of all trades now don’t we. My OH is similar to yours & is not capable of doing any gardening. He sits on lawn & puts bulbs in borders & I have to help him up otherwise he would never get up. If I didn’t have family & friends I honestly would go insane. I said earlier on a post this caring lark isn’t good for our health at all. I think we all do bloody marvellous considering we have no help of any description. Mind you my OHs dementia is nowhere as advanced as some on here including your OH. I dread the day if he becomes incontinent.He has had a few accidents & try’s to hide clothes but I’ve always said I couldn’t deal with that. When I read some posts on here I think I shouldn’t moan because some carers have such a lot to do for there OHs. I really admire them. I hope you soon feel back to your normal self also. You take good care of yourself longlostfan.Speak soon . Sending you (((hugs))). xxx

 

[margherita]

I feel guilty for saying it but life would be so much easier without the constant worry of dealing with a PWD and when lots of memories are not all that wonderful it makes it that much harder.

Hi @longlostfan, don't feel guilty because you think your life would be easier if you didn't have to care for your OH. You actually take care of him and do all he needs. Can't we be free to think what we want, at least? Since we do not seem to be allowed to enjoy other forms of freedom.
I'm sorry you have not recovered from labyrinthitis yet. Some years ago I suffered from what , translated into English, might be "positional dizziness". I felt as if I were walking on a treadmill and there were some movements in particular which caused awful dizziness.

Take care of you,
(((HUGS)))

 

[margherita]

If I didn’t have family & friends I honestly would go insane. I said earlier on a post this caring lark isn’t good for our health at all.

Hi @Beads , family and friends bring moments of serenity into your life. They are a godsend.
I live in isolation with OH, as you know, and even though his dementia is not as advanced as your husband's, I often feel I am at my tether's end.
(((hugs)))

 

[margherita]

Hi @MIA56 ,
I used to have a good sense of humour before OH's dementia. Now things are so different, everything makes me irritated or sad, I seem to have become unable to catch the light side of situations and incidents.

Hope you are not too tired. You are doing a demanding job.
Take care of yourself
Sending you (((hugs)))

 

[margherita]

My husband is grumpy too and it hasn't been an easy marriage, but at least I can go out and he doesn't panic or get into mischief.

Hi @Roseleigh,
My husband could stay on his own for a few hours because his dementia is not so advanced as to make it dangerous, but he does not want to.
Whenever I go out , he wants to go with me and gets angry and resentful if I tell him I'd rather go on my own.
Being able to go out on our own is such a relief.
I have not enjoyed my husband's company for a long time, even before he got Alzheimer's.

 

[Roseleigh]

Sorry to hear you also have a Grumpy OH & not an easy marriage. Join the club. You will find on this thread there are so many of us in the same situation.

DD thinks with hindsight OH was possibly affected by early brain changes long before we had any suspicion of AD. Your comment is interesting making me wonder if brain changes could be to blame for some of the ill temper difficulties too. Is there a correlation between less happy marriages and a partner later developing dementia? I dont know.

 

[margherita]

Is there a correlation between less happy marriages and a partner later developing dementia? I dont know.

Hi @Roseleigh ,
I ' m not sure about such correlation.
As I read in a posts when I first joined TP, dementia is a test for marriages and relationships stressing those reasons for conflicts and dissatisfaction which in a healthy state of mind could be managed somehow.

 

[Beads]

DD thinks with hindsight OH was possibly affected by early brain changes long before we had any suspicion of AD. Your comment is interesting making me wonder if brain changes could be to blame for some of the ill temper difficulties too. Is there a correlation between less happy marriages and a partner later developing dementia? I dont know.

Hi Roseleigh in my OH case he has always been bad tempered. It is a lot more difficult dealing with dementia when the marriage has not been a happy one .,,

 

[margherita]

Hi all of you,
Hope you can answer this question :
Do you think grumpy-ness is catching?
I used to be a kind and smiling person untill not long ago, but now I can hardly recognize myself. I am always sulky, angry, and even rude..

 

[imsoblue]

For SURE! Know that we love you here. No one understands.

 

[longlostfan]

@margherita, yes absolutely I know exactly what you mean. I am getting very short tempered and resentful. But when you think of what we have to do and the way our lives are fettered because of it, it’s no wonder we feel like different people. And I think you come across as a very kind person anyway in your posts on here, and also very understanding. All love x

 

[Beads]

Hi all of you,
Hope you can answer this question :
Do you think grumpy-ness is catching?
I used to be a kind and smiling person untill not long ago, but now I can hardly recognize myself. I am always sulky, angry, and even rude..

Morning @margherita don’t know about that, you are a kind person you love your dogs & do a lot for the charity. Looking after PWD does change our outlook on life & we haven’t had happy marriages to draw on. Which makes it even worse. I know myself I have changed lots I can be very moody & some days angry & rude so don’t worry about it younot on your own. My only worry is I don’t finish up with dementia. From our exchanges on here you are a lovely friend that I look forward to always chatting too. We are all doing the best we can doing a role we didn’t ask for. Speak soon my friend (((hugs))). Never forget you are LOVELY it’s this damned caring lark that brings us down , but always remember we are tough cookies. Love A. xx

 

[imsoblue]

Hi all of you,
Hope you can answer this question :
Do you think grumpy-ness is catching?
I used to be a kind and smiling person untill not long ago, but now I can hardly recognize myself. I am always sulky, angry, and even rude..

AND now OH's daughters are calling me out on it. WHAT? They are hardly around me and they also don't see all that I do with a smile on my stressed out, aging face! I was told not to talk down to him and not to say no to him. My own sons said to be nicer. I know OH can't be nice but I've been told I should expect respect. He's not that bad off yet. I guess I could say we are in a very bad stage.

 

[margherita]

AND now OH's daughters are calling me out on it. WHAT? They are hardly around me and they also don't see all that I do with a smile on my stressed out, aging face! I was told not to talk down to him and not to say no to him. My own sons said to be nicer. I know OH can't be nice but I've been told I should expect respect. He's not that bad off yet. I guess I could say we are in a very bad stage.

Dear @imsoblue ,
stepchild is one of my problems.
My husband and his 49-year-old son have never had a good relationship, even though his son chose to live with him after OH and his (now) ex wife divorced in 1986. His (at the time) teenage son made the decision to go where he would have more money to enjoy, but he had not foreseen the clash between his greediness and his father's meanness.
Time passes, but people seldom change.
Not only hasn't the relationship between them improved, but it has furthermore deteriorated, and they are going on playing those roles they have been playing for years.
Stepson has at last realized that he will have his father's money only when OH dies. So, he visits twice or three times a year just to check how long he has still to wait.. Luckily he does not live locally, but 120 miles from here.
I suppose he is deeply disappointed by our marriage which, according to Italian law, gives me a right to inherit a part of his father's patrimony. I am sure he would try to make him sign something in his favour if he could(so that I can have as less as possible) taking advantage of OH's poor reasoning faculties, but I never leave them alone for more than ten minutes..That's another reason why I am under house arrest here. You never know, he might come to take in his father (and damage my interests) when I am away.
He knows that I know, even though not a word about it has ever been uttered.
I am luckier than you, because , at least, he is false enough to say nothing and interfere into our lives. He has never offered help, but, to be honest, I would never accept it because I do not trust him at all.

 

[imsoblue]

Dear @imsoblue ,
stepchild is one of my problems.
My husband and his 49-year-old son have never had a good relationship, even though his son chose to live with him after OH and his (now) ex wife divorced in 1986. His (at the time) teenage son made the decision to go where he would have more money to enjoy, but he had not foreseen the clash between his greediness and his father's meanness.
Time passes, but people seldom change.
Not only hasn't the relationship between them improved, but it has furthermore deteriorated, and they are going on playing those roles they have been playing for years.
Stepson has at last realized that he will have his father's money only when OH dies. So, he visits twice or three times a year just to check how long he has still to wait.. Luckily he does not live locally, but 120 miles from here.
I suppose he is deeply disappointed by our marriage which, according to Italian law, gives me a right to inherit a part of his father's patrimony. I am sure he would try to make him sign something in his favour if he could(so that I can have as less as possible) taking advantage of OH's poor reasoning faculties, but I never leave them alone for more than ten minutes..That's another reason why I am under house arrest here. You never know, he might come to take in his father (and damage my interests) when I am away.
He knows that I know, even though not a word about it has ever been uttered.
I am luckier than you, because , at least, he is false enough to say nothing and interfere into our lives. He has never offered help, but, to be honest, I would never accept it because I do not trust him at all.

As has been said, you know where you stand. And now I know it too. That should bring some peace. I am no longer afraid of making them angry. Passed that!

 

[margherita]

I am no longer afraid of making them angry. Passed that!

I am so fed up that I do not care about what OH and stepson think of me. I used to be complacent years ago, but now I have realized that the less complacent I am, the more respect I get

 

[imsoblue]

I am so fed up that I do not care about what OH and stepson think of me. I used to be complacent years ago, but now I have realized that the less complacent I am, the more respect I get

Now I'm laughing. We are in tune with each other right now. Together you and I would be very dangerous around anyone who messes with us! Thanks!

 

[imsoblue]

@MIA56 A broken in car in addition to all you stress. I cannot image what strength you brought forward to make it through the day and the daughter. Mine are step daughters but it seems only a spouse feels the magnet to do everything necessary to keep the PWD comfortable.

 

[margherita]

Hi @MIA56 ,
I do not know how you can cope. You are really brave. I would have given up weeks ( months ? years?) ago, but I am neither brave nor generous, only angry and resentful.
You sound quite lonely in the management of OH's illness. Couldn't you look for help? Have you contacted Social Services?
Hope I am not too intrusive, but people who can watch things from outside sometimes have a better view..Please, take care of you. You come first.
(((((HUGS)))))

 

[margherita]

Now I'm laughing. We are in tune with each other right now. Together you and I would be very dangerous around anyone who messes with us! Thanks!

Very pleased with the idea of being dangerous.
Here in Italy we have a saying " let them hate you, provided they are afraid of you".
For those of you who know Italian " mi odino purché mi temano". Those words were probably uttered by Caligula , the Roman emperor, famous for appointing his horse as a senator.