Grumpy OH

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Beads, Aug 14, 2017.

  1. margherita

    margherita Registered User

    May 30, 2017
    2,159
    Female
    Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
    Hi Beads,
    I wish I could have lunch on my own... and also breakfast, dinner, tea.
    I wish I could have life on my own.
    At the moment it is unthinkable. So I can only grit teeth and go ahead.
    I had a bad argument with OH just on my birthday (which he had obviously forgotten, but I do not care). He seems to have forgotten about it, but I haven't.
    I can't forget, let alone forgive. I am more and more resentful.
    I repeat to myself "a day at a time".
    But days are passing by, and my life with them
     
  2. Beads

    Beads Registered User

    Jul 19, 2017
    503
    Hi margherita it’s awful isn’t it we wish our lives away. Is it your birthday today if so Happy birthday if it has just gone happy belated birthday. Did your OH always remember your birthday before his diagnosis. Mine never ever bothered even before Alzheimers. OH could see all my cards & still didn’t say Happy birthday to me xx
     
  3. MIA56

    MIA56 Registered User

    Dec 22, 2016
    325
    Hi all my dear friends.....I've not had internet and the past few weeks have not been great.
    Don't know what I've posted so will do a quick update. Please bear with me.

    We have moved into our new home....had a lot of problems and tomorrow half of my kitchen is being ripped out. There are problems with the drains. Next week one of the bathrooms are being replaced. Lots more going on but hey ho!

    However the most horrible things are on my plate too. My dear SIL is now in a care home and her daughter our dear niece is in the hospice, she is very poorly, has now got a charger and the family are sleeping by her each night.

    J is not himself, although he does like the house.

    Too many sad days.... I'm at the end of my stretch however I don't have time for a day off.

    Love to you all..... I will catch up and I still read everything but don't feel like I can post.

    Take care and be good to yourselves x
     
  4. margherita

    margherita Registered User

    May 30, 2017
    2,159
    Female
    Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
    Oh Mia, I am so sorry for you. I hoped the new house would mark the beginning of a new and more positive phase in your life.
    I will miss your posts, please let us know how you are when you can.
    I feel a bit like I were losing a friend.
    Hopefully this sad period will be over and you can have the serenity you need and deserve.
     
  5. Beads

    Beads Registered User

    Jul 19, 2017
    503
    .
    Oh MIA56 so sorry to hear all your sad news . Oh bless you the move alone would be stressful with J been the way he is, but then to have all the upheaval of ripping out kitchen etc omg it’s a nightmare. I’m so deeply sorry your niece is very poorly & SIL is now in a Home . I know this is easier said than done but take care of yourself don’t try to be wonder woman & over stretching yourself. I can understand you not feeling up to posting . I will certainly miss our chats . Lots of (((hugs ))) & love. Xx
     
  6. Beads

    Beads Registered User

    Jul 19, 2017
    503
    Hi @margherita hope you are well & your appointment at the dentists went well. How is OH any change at at all. The weather here is grim back to really cold weather, we have pouring rain at least it’s not snow. Though it is forecast for the weekend. Well today they are picking up wheelchair that I I got for OH months ago. They keep ringing me to sign it off. However OH won’t hear of someone coming out & showing him how to operate it as he has no intention of using it. He was ok when he was assessed for it & chatty with the lady Then once it arrived omg WW3 broke out . You just can’t help some people can you. So when they rang the other day I agreed the best thing was to return it as someone else could be making good use of it . OH short term memory is getting worse by the day. I bought this soup maker the other day so tried it out explained to him all fresh veg & more healthy. Within minutes he is asking so what did you put in it . I tell him & again within minutes he asks again. That went on for 10 mins. The repetitiveness now is really bad. He was getting up earlier in the day but has now gone back to late afternoon. I just wish he would agree to going to day centre I think this would help & maybe motivate him . However he won’t he is not a very sociable person. As I have said before as this progresses then I will possibly be able to make such decisions for him. Well that’s my moan over margherita hope to hear from you soon. Take care my friend. Xx
     
  7. MIA56

    MIA56 Registered User

    Dec 22, 2016
    325
     
  8. MIA56

    MIA56 Registered User

    Dec 22, 2016
    325
    Thanks so much I I'm really between a rock and a hard place.

    Today hasn't been toobad....kitchen out and replaced, the smell has gone thank god. Tuesday the bathrooms will be done.

    My dear SIL is going to celebrate her 82nd birthday tomorrow, she does not know or understand that her DD is in the hospice .. We will go to the nursing home for afternoon tea then visit the hospice

    Oh why is life so hard.... I want to have a day with my girls...champagne, tapas and fun. Not soon but one day.

    Take care my dear friends, be good to yourselves. X
     
  9. margherita

    margherita Registered User

    May 30, 2017
    2,159
    Female
    Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
    It is the hope that one day I might have a different life that gives me the strength to go on.
    I am so pleased you have posted and let us know how you are doing.
    Take care of yourself
     
  10. margherita

    margherita Registered User

    May 30, 2017
    2,159
    Female
    Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
    Hi Beads, I am in the same situation. I can't make decisions for my husband because he can still reason somehow. That's the problem " somehow ".
    His short term memory is getting worse and his thoughts often lack logical structure.

    Yesterday I lost it..
    He was at table, waiting to be served , as usual. I was in the kitchen cooking his steak. He asked me for the umpteenth time " Aren't you eating?" pretending a solicitude which he doesn't have. When it costs him nothing, he pretends he cares
    for me. :mad:
    Today I was jailed at home all day because it has been raining since last night.
    Luckily I could chat on the phone with some friends without him interrupting me . I avoid talking to him because he either doesn't understand or gets angry..or both.
    Now I am downstairs enjoying some me time . Another day is over.
     
  11. Beads

    Beads Registered User

    Jul 19, 2017
    503
    Hi MIA56 glad you had a better day & your kitchen is getting sorted. Hope all went well for your SIL birthday. So sad then to hospice. You know the saying “life’s a bitch then you die” I find myself saying this occasionally when talking to my friend about my unwanted carer role. I know exactly what u mean . At least from your post you sound more positive & chirpy. Hope to hear from you soon . Take good care xx
     
  12. Beads

    Beads Registered User

    Jul 19, 2017
    503
    Yes we in similar position however I think my OH is more advanced than yours. Yesterday I had all family after work. He actually joined in with conversation however as I’ve said before . He tends to just talk over people all the time . Then we stop talking & just let him continue but he loses what we were talking about & doesn’t make sense sometimes. We just wait till he is finished & continue our talking . Then it all happens again & so it goes on &on &on. The repetitiveness is soul destroying. I sometimes say to the kids it’s gonna be me next having a memory test , because it sure does take its toll on us. Glad you got to talk with your friends & no interruptions that will have cheered you up. Yes we spend a lot of me time don’t we . It’s like in a relationship but living two separate lives. Hope the weather is better today there. It is freezing here & snow showers . Take care margherita have a peaceful weekend talk soon. Xx
     
  13. margherita

    margherita Registered User

    May 30, 2017
    2,159
    Female
    Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
    Hi @Beads ,
    another rainy, dull day here.
    Only the two of us, no subject of conversation, as usual. He watches TV, I surf the net. Once again I realize my source of dissatisfaction is not living here in isolation, but living here with him.
    His repetitiveness is really unnerving. I know it is not his fault, but besides feeling under house arrest, I feel like an innocent serving life long sentence.

    This morning we were planning how to spend our Easter day. Last year we were invited to dinner in a restaurant in Milan by his sister and her family. This year we will invite them to our home, which means six people (sister in-law, her husband, their son and daughter with their partners).
    OH is too mean to invite all of them to the restaurant even though he could afford it, so I will have to cook for us all, (which ,to tell the truth, I do not dislike).
    Guess who else OH asked me to invite ?
    His son! That's enough to spoil the whole day.:mad:
    The only hope left is he doesn't accept our kind invitation. I will update as soon as I know .

    Have a peaceful weekend, as far as possible.
    Take care of yourself, dear Beads.
     
  14. Beads

    Beads Registered User

    Jul 19, 2017
    503
    What exciting lives we live. (not) Your OH watching TV. My OH looking at newspaper & I am in onother room like yourself on laptop. No conversation at all. He didn’t get up till 2pm I then got his meal ready for him . I asked him if he was ok & then I mentioned the snow & that was it end of conversation. That will be it for the rest of the day . When he is finished with newspapers he will go upstairs watch tv . Then later on come down have his supper then bed . So I think I must have only spoken about 20 words today . Like yourself it’s like a life sentence. With no time off for good behaviour. Oh it would have been lovely if he had said book a restaurant for you all. It’s a shame he is so mean , you would think he would want to do the same as they did & book a meal out. Having good company & conversation whilst enjoying the lovely meal that you have made will be just as nice if not better. However it would have been lovely to be waited on instead of you doing it all. Omg the dreaded stepson . Like yourself I hope he declines the invite. Trying to be nice to someone you don’t even like is hard work & something you can do without. I know the feeling well. You will have a much better time without him. Does your OH know your feelings towards him or is he oblivious to that aswell. I’ve never hidden the fact from my OH over the years how I feel about his daughter . There is certainly no love lost on either side. She makes me feel uncomfortable in my own house when she used to visit which was only Xmas. Well I think it’s finally stopped snowing. Take care margherita. Yes let me know if he accepts. Xx
     
  15. margherita

    margherita Registered User

    May 30, 2017
    2,159
    Female
    Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
    My husband knows I don't like his son and hope he has not forgotten the reasons why I dislike him.
    Their relationship has always been difficult and, above all, loveless.
    When I met my husband in 2000 he told me awful things about his son. When I knew him, I realized he was right.
    His son visits us no more than twice or three times a year.
    I think I know the reason why he visits his father, economic interest.
    I do not know why my husband sometimes invites him..fatherly love? I am doubtful about it. Some time ago his son needed money and phoned my OH.
    He said he was desperate (or pretended he was)..he said he was thinking of committing suicide.
    Can you imagine OH's answer? He invited his son not to have " those bad thoughts ", but did not offer him any economic help.
    Is that the behaviour of a father who loves his son?
     
  16. MarHef48

    MarHef48 Registered User

    Jun 30, 2017
    10
    County Cork
    Oh dear

    You really do have my sympathy, it does seem like many of us have these problems.

    From my own experience I have honestly found that walking away is a life saver. Quite often what I say under my breath is unrepeatable - but it is my release - my way of getting it off my chest without inflaming the situation further.

    My OH just does not listen. There are only two words he ever wants to hear and those are 'Yes Tom' - there are no other legitimate answers to any of his questions. I think this condition is very 'self centered' - they are the only people in their universe but I suppose that given the way in which the disease affects the brain then we should not be surprised...hurt yes, but not surprised.

    The obsessions are what get me down.....for the last two years he has been totally obsessed about the dish cloth...yep you read it right. The dish cloth! Not sure if I am unique but when I bake, cook etc I use a damp cloth to wipe down the surfaces, however if in the middle of this activity he approaches the sink and the dish cloth has not been rung out to within an inch of it's life - folded up and placed carefully to the left side (I am serious here - stop laughing) - then I get lectured & I mean, lectured. I have now got to the stage where I leave the dishcloth perfectly dry and folded on the left side of the sink and use a wet paper towel - which I dispose of in the fire......things we do to 'keep the peace'.

    I suppose the only thing I don't get is bad language, yes I am made to feel like the village idiot, yes everything I do is wrong, yes I am apparently fat and ugly (nice) but I don't have the added insult of foul language. However, my father who up to 3 years ago never said Boo to a Goose, swore, never argued, never hit anyone, never even got a parking ticket became a violent aggressive who, every time I entered his room told me in no uncertain terms to "F" off!

    My father has Alzheimer's and after 74 years of marriage to my mother (not counting the 4 years they went out before getting married) he no longer knows who she is - the last time she visited he introduced her "to his wife" - another resident of the Nursing Home! I am 70 and my father does not know me...all very sad.

    I sometimes feel that I could now write a dissertation on what it is like to be 'between a rock and a hard place'. I have returned to my hobbies over the last number of years so that I can, even for a few moments each day, lose myself in something other than 'his dementia' and that is great.

    I am sorry for the OH that we can't spend more time together enjoying each other's company, but that is not going to happen any more.....so as wives, partners, carer's we just have to get on with our own lives as much as we can....self preservation and good sense because if the carer is ill, out of sorts, tired...then the job we didn't ask for, didn't expect but got landed with...just because....becomes all the more difficult.

    Enjoy your daughter's company, enjoy the grandchildren, go out for a coffee with a friend....in the house, plug in your ear phones even just for a few minutes, listening to a relaxing /uplifting tune can help.

    Finally, how did you feel when you wrote down how you felt....I started a 'diary' a good few years ago. It is on the computer, and when I am low, fed up, annoyed or whatever, I bash the keyboard and 'get it off my chest' that way.

    Love and support
    Mx
     
  17. margherita

    margherita Registered User

    May 30, 2017
    2,159
    Female
    Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
    Sure we are not married to the same man?
    No, we aren't. Their names are different.
    Their names only
     
  18. MarHef48

    MarHef48 Registered User

    Jun 30, 2017
    10
    County Cork
    Well we could always swap................nah only kidding that wouldn't work either.
    As we are all finding out, although much of the attitude and behaviour of the dementia sufferers is individual, there are also so many similarities.

    I think that the oddest thing I have noticed that irrespective of their memory they seem to be able to manipulate people and situations to their own advantage...strange how the mind works.

    Take care.
    Mx
     
  19. Sammie234

    Sammie234 Registered User

    Oct 7, 2016
    205
    Shropshire
    My OH isn’t a natural Mr Grumpy but all the other things you say are definitely him, I’ve started removing his clothes in the mornings before he gets up, showers what are they? 3weeks now since the last one. Memory hasn’t got one left or rather no short term one, so repeat, answer, repeat again. If I go out it’s all “oh you don’t want me to come do you”in a snidey voice, he never used to be like that! I don’t need you to I’m just going for an injection or pick up meds whatever.
     
  20. margherita

    margherita Registered User

    May 30, 2017
    2,159
    Female
    Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
    My husband always wants to go out with me. I can't even go to the supermarket on my own, which drives me mad.
    I look forward to bed time all day, when at last I can go to my room downstairs .
    People usually welcome spring and longer days. I dread them, because they mean more time to spend with my OH.
     

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