Hi folks hope you all having a better day than me. Been with my pregnant daughter this morning to get last minute baby shopping as she is due any day. OH in bed when I left early morning so I left a note because most days he doesn't get up till 2 or later in the afternoon. On return he was usual place reading paper in kitchen. No speaking when we got in as usual. Never asks our daughter how she is , so annoying. He thinks I have to be just sat in the house go nowhere & that is it so once again in the grumps. Daughter goes home then he starts shouting because I asked him where some keys were , I am every name under the sun including an idiot with a f before that. Then he takes himself off upstairs . My friend comes up we have a bit chat she leaves he comes back down goes in kitchen reading the paper again. Omg I just want to scream I am so sick of this existence. I text daughter & said what had happened. I am honestly thinking of just going in kitchen & saying to him I want him to go to a day centre because I am fed up of the way he is. I need some space it is soul destroying. As I have said before he always was a bad tempered person I always had to be careful what I said to him .like walking on eggshells & now this dementia. To be honest the way he acts now is no different to the way he has been all my married life which is 34 years . Apart from his memory & mobility. Well folks that's my moan over. See what tomorrow brings. ...
Grumpy OH
- Thread starter Beads
- Start date
Oh dear, difficult. But it doesn't sound as if things will change now. Have you thought about reacting to it differently? It is hard to do, but if you agree with him rather than disagree you are taking the wind out of his sails. He's not expecting you to agree. Also try walking away or distracting him by changing the subject. Just ideas.... they work most of the time for me!
Beads I just wanted to chip in and say I am so sorry on your behalf. This doesn't sound like fun. This should be a happy time for you.
You are not obliged to care for your OH. You've done 34 years. Time to consider alternatives? I would so like you to be able to celebrate and enjoy your new grandchild x
You are not obliged to care for your OH. You've done 34 years. Time to consider alternatives? I would so like you to be able to celebrate and enjoy your new grandchild x
Agree the silence is awful. Always a feeling of pent up anger. But I am not sure that is what they are feeling.
I was in same situation a few months ago. Asked doctor for anti-depressants for OH and enrolled him at day centre once a week. For first few weeks he was waiting at door for collection but now seems to have settled in and although I have no idea what goes on he is cheerful when I collect him. I like to think he needs a break from me as much as I need a break from him.
As for not asking after your daughter I am afraid, in my experience, that will not improve but our grandchildren do bring some joy into my OH's life. So hope it is the same for your OH when your grandchild arrives.
I was in same situation a few months ago. Asked doctor for anti-depressants for OH and enrolled him at day centre once a week. For first few weeks he was waiting at door for collection but now seems to have settled in and although I have no idea what goes on he is cheerful when I collect him. I like to think he needs a break from me as much as I need a break from him.
As for not asking after your daughter I am afraid, in my experience, that will not improve but our grandchildren do bring some joy into my OH's life. So hope it is the same for your OH when your grandchild arrives.
Hi rhubarbtree sorry to hear you were in same situ it is intolerable. Wouldn't wish it on anybody. That's good your OH seems to like day centre. I was thinking about saying to OH about going to day care centre but I know already before I do what the reply will be because he is so unreasonable. He just prefers to go around grumpy not speaking & when I speak to him a load of abuse follows. I definitely need space from him as I am finding it extremely difficult. Plus the less I speak to him as he doesn't want to talk to me I'm finding I'm getting less bothered to even communicate....
Hi HillyBilly, Thankyou for bothering to reply , ye 34years, 15 which have been not happy at all. Now for the diagnosis of this just makes me really resentful. I must as I have said do something to keep my sanity. I need my space from him as he is dragging me down. I will sort it somehow. ...
HI MIA56, it's so awful isn't it for you & me both. I am pleased you OH would at least agree to medication. As my OH won't .He said from the off to the consultant he didn't want it. That is why he discharged him. For him to be nicer he would need a head transplant. Hope things continue as they are .Onwards & upwards .....
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Hi maryw, thanks for reply, I have tried all of the above in the past. Nothing works for long . He is just an unreasonable me me me person. .....
Hi MIA56, yes I'm fine thanx hope u ok. Oh sorry to hear that what's been going on if I'm not been nosey. Things still the same here in a grump .Son & dil & baby been today so he was talking then when they went . Back to his no speaking ( grumpy old man mode).Hope like you tomorrow may be good but at this end I very much doubt it. Keep in touch.
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Rhubarbtree, just to say that OHs daycare gave each person a book in which was the details of the day, staff, what they had for lunch, which activity was carried out. It was brought home to me, and I could add anything I wanted them to know. You should be able to have one!
Your situation is similar to mine.
My husband is the same as before
Selfish, intolerant,fastidious
Well..not just the same. Worse.
Hi margherita, nice to talk to you hope you well. Sorry to read OH is similar to mine. It's really difficult isn't it because they have been like this all married life & we've tolerated them & now in my case when I've retired few years ago I was hoping to enjoy it . Bang we've got dementia added to the pot. Hope unlike me you have some way of escape from this as it drags you down & myself personally feel very resentful. Have a good weekend ....
Hi Beads,
I retired three years ago.
I hoped I would enjoy the new life.
I didn't want much. Only travelling and caring for stray dogs.
Then dementia came to make things worse.
Yes, worse, because they were not so good before.
Travelling is more and more difficult, because my husband is (and was) plaintive, fastidious, and irritable.
As for dogs, we have two, rescued from an awful kennel in South Italy.
Some days ago a volunteer asked me if I could host an 18-year-old dog, who had spent her whole life in a pound. The poor dog had few weeks left because, besides being very old, she had cancer ,too.
My hushand did not want her.
We have a huge garden (8,000 square metres) and the dog was small.
In his selfishness he said someone else would take care of her.
I can't forgive and forget about it!
Hi Spamar, I have discussed the lack of communication between myself and day centre before. On advice from occupational therapist I did a sheet of his likes and dislikes etc. and therapist went in with him for one day but communication has not improved. However, they do seem to take more interest in him and always give a cheery send off. Think it is as much as I can expect as they are constantly short of staff.
Hi MIA56, sorry to hear that but just think if he had broken it omg it would have been ten times worse bad enough as it is. I know what u mean anyone calling it's like everything ok . Host mode. I think sometimes people think I am lying cos as you said nice as pie. OH is she it is awful. Still no speaking at this end. It's like "Dumb & Dumber ".We are supposed to be going away just after Xmas I'm seriously thinking of going with the family on my own, & getting carers to call. It will be no holiday for me as he won't have a wheelchair to get about & it's a case of I either sit all day with him . Or if I go out & about with the family I rush back. I might as well not be here anyway all I do is feed him see to his medication take him for hospital & drs app. Make sure he wears clean clothes even though he only showers once a week. Plus he never gets out of bed till late afternoon. When I have read this back if it was someone else writing it . I would be replying to them saying get yourself on holiday . By December I will definitely need a break . Just wish he would go into respite be a lot easier. Omg it's like a biography hope you have as good a weekend as possible MIA56. By the way is the MIA standing for missing in action (bet you wish )
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Hi margherita, me too I just wanted to be able to go away when I wanted & really just do what I wanted to do. but we never get what we want do we. So sorry you sound like so many on here .Yes I know what you mean you think you can tolerate things but then the diagnosis puts an entirely different spin on things. It makes it loads worse when the earlier years have not been very good anyway . I really know where you are coming from & feel for you. i would feel the same as you in that position about the dog. You are obviously a very kind hearted person . I'm sure the doggy will be ok sorry to hear though it only has a few weeks bless. They are so selfish . What has your OH been diagnosed with & how long has he been like that. ...
Well, Beads, my husband character has never been easy to cope with.
But, as you say, before dementia things were different.
I should add, also before retirement.
My husband and I met in 2000, when I was 48 and he was 62.
We were both divorced and we lived and worked in Milan.
I lived in my home, he lived in his.
We spent weekends and holidays together, but on weekdays we were on our own.
When he retired he asked me if it would be a problem his moving into a new house in the countryside of Piedmont, a hundred miles from Milan.
Of course not. We could go on spending weekends and holidays together.
In 2009 we married, but nothing changed in the organization of our lives.
My friends used to call me "married single"
In 2014 ,when I retired, I went to live with him in the countryside, even though I still have my home in Milan.
As I said, his character is not easy to cope with, but when I realized we had been together for too long,I found shelter in my home in Milan or had a short holiday on my own
Dementia has changed everything, and made it necessary my staying always with him.
I read on TP that dementia is a test of relationship.
Well, mine has not passed it.
That's all.
I have bored you, I'm afraid.
I always try not to write too long posts because the more I write, the more mistakes I do
Here in Italy things are different. I'd say worse.
Our National Health Service does not care for PWD as it should.
When I noticed the first symptoms of dementia, which I called and still call memory problems, I asked our family doctor what we could do.
He sent my husband to a Unit for Evaluation of Alzheimer.
We went there.
The neurologist gave him the usual tests (where he scored 22,7) and prescribed Aricept (he is on Ebixa currently), some blood tests and a MRI
The next appointment was in six months.
Fifteen minutes and it was all over!
It was March 2016.
My husband goes to the centre which here is called UVA every six months.
Never the same neurologist, always the same lack of care.
His next appointment is for October , when he will have to bring a new MRI.
Things are getting slowly worse as regards memory and, above all, logical reasoning.
There is not much we can do, I'm afraid
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Hi margherita, you have not bored me at all I think up until your husbands diagnosis your lifestyle was perfect. I wish I could have had the same. When you had enough you could escape to your own sanctuary sounds heaven, but now all has changed . It is really difficult & I find myself resentful...Well, Beads, my husband character has never been easy to cope with.
But, as you say, before dementia things were different.
I should add, also before retirement.
My husband and I met in 2000, when I was 48 and he was 62.
We were both divorced and we lived and worked in Milan.
I lived in my home, he lived in his.
We spent weekends and holidays together, but on weekdays we were on our own.
When he retired he asked me if it would be a problem his moving into a new house in the countryside of Piedmont, a hundred miles from Milan.
Of course not. We could go on spending weekends and holidays together.
In 2009 we married, but nothing changed in the organization of our lives.
My friends used to call me "married single"
In 2014 ,when I retired, I went to live with him in the countryside, even though I still have my home in Milan.
As I said, his character is not easy to cope with, but when I realized we had been together for too long,I found shelter in my home in Milan or had a short holiday on my own
Dementia has changed everything, and made it necessary my staying always with him.
I read on TP that dementia is a test of relationship.
Well, mine has not passed it.
That's all.
I have bored you, I'm afraid.
I always try not to write too long posts because the more I write, the more mistakes I do
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